


A drink for the horror that I'm in

by WeCanDoIt



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape, Sexual Content, Violence, but also bits of fluffy stuff, mostly angst tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 108,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeCanDoIt/pseuds/WeCanDoIt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Frank's life is dreadfully boring, even worse than having to listen to a six hour lecture about the gastrulation of a lancelet. And hey, no offense to any biology geeks here; if you get hard-ons from listening to the fantastic wonders of the embryonic development of a fucking fish then nobody will judge you - as long as you don't shove it up his face, thank you very much.</p><p>So at first Frank didn't really notice the weird new kid floating around the hallways; why should he, when he was too busy drowning in self-pity over his oh-so pathetic life? But when he coincidentally saved him from getting shoved into a locker one day, the guy somehow started to get interesting.<br/>And something about his behavior seemed really off. </p><p>But maybe that was exactly what Frank needed; just a little distraction to get his life interesting again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, all of this started out during a particularly boring English Literature lecture.  
> I wanted to write something dark, but also kind of everyday life like at the same time...this came out!  
> It' not really beta'd, so if you find any typos or grammatical errors, I apologize in advance.  
> Also, this is a high school story, which no one, not even I, ever expected me to write.  
> Rating goes up as the chapters go on.  
> \--  
> Comments and concrit are sugar, and I'll love you forever if you give me some sweets!! xo

I didn’t hear the footsteps approaching, didn’t see the hunched figure shuffling over. I actually wouldn’t have noticed at all if it weren’t for my locker door that was suddenly slammed shut.  
Surprised, I turned around to meet narrowed hazel eyes. 

“You shouldn’t have done that”, the guy said, voice shaking almost unnoticeably, eyes suddenly downcast. I sighed. “Well obviously I did, and frankly you should be glad ‘cause I highly doubt you would have made it out of that locker by yourself.”

His brows furrowed even tighter and he shot me an icy glare.  
“I don’t need your help, asshole, I’m fine on my own!” he spat.  
“Yeah, I can see that”, I drawled, mocking him. I knew I shouldn’t, with all the jocks constantly giving him a hard time I knew I really shouldn’t add onto that list. But I couldn’t help that I was pissed. I just saved that little brat from getting shoved into a locker and earned one of Derek’s notorious right hooks in response and he was just standing there, bitching at me? 

I don’t even know that kid, goddammit! There you have it, I’m not gonna help anyone out again when they’re getting bullied. Fuck them!  
“Yeah, whatever”, I mumbled, closing my locker and slowly walking away. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him nervously tucking strands of his jet black hair behind his ears. 

What a weird kid. It was like I could feel his eyes on me all the way down the hall.

Really, what a fucking weirdo.

 

\---

 

“Dude, he’s watching you again”, Bert casually mentioned, munching at his chicken sandwich.  
“And stop doing your homework you freak, its fucking lunch break!”

 

“Shut up Bert, you know I’m fucked if I fail biology again and didn’t we want to go to that ‘A Day To Remember’ concert next month? Yep, there you go. And what did you say; who’s watching whom?”

 

Bert took a sip of his OJ. “C’mon, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed! Remember that kid you loser stuck up for a few days ago? He’s watching you”, he said, turning back to his sandwich. “Damn, that shit’s delicious, want a bite?”

 

I ignored him, curiously turning around and there he sat, in the corner of the lunch hall, all alone at a small desk. But he wasn’t looking at me; he was looking at his untouched plate, his bangs covering his face. I sighed.  
“Bert, get a life for fuck’s sake”, I muttered and flinched as suddenly a loud crash shot through the room. I already half expected who to be involved in the crash we just heard before even turning round. The dark haired boy still sat at his table, but today’s dessert – chocolate pudding – was now dripping slowly from his hair. His gaze was fixed somewhere on the wall, his expression blank. Derek and his companions, who strangely reminded me of Crabbe and Goyle, shot him a nasty grin and walked away, laughing obnoxiously. 

Seemingly unimpressed, he stood up, brushed his wet bangs out of his eyes, grabbed his bag and slowly, but still somehow gracefully made his way out of the hall, all eyes on him. I mentally tipped my hat to that kid. If that had been me, I would have probably run out of the lunch hall as quickly as humanly possible and that positively wouldn’t have been a graceful sight at all. 

 

I didn’t know if it was the pudding incident that had me noticing him, but I must admit, the next few days when I was around the halls with Bert and Bob, or hanging with Carrie and Alicia during lunch break I always let my gaze flicker around, trying to catch a glimpse of him. 

Unfortunately though, he wasn’t at school the next day. And the day after that. He probably skipped school, I thought. It seemed he skipped school for three more days before I got slightly concerned.  
What if he couldn’t take all of the bullying anymore and did anything stupid like running away or shit like that? Heck, why do I even care, it’s not like we’re friends or stuff. Then again, I couldn’t deny that I DID care. I mean, I didn’t even know that kid’s name. How long has he been going to the same high school as me? Funny how little we actually know about each other in school when we’re not exactly friends. 

I decided to talk to Alicia the next break since I was pretty sure Bert mentioned she had geography with ‘the weird kid’. Somehow I was embarrassingly excited about getting to find out more.  
“Jesus, I’m pathetic”, I moaned quietly and buried my face in my hands.  
As soon as class was over, I rushed out into the hallway, heading directly for my locker. I didn’t see that asshole Kyle coming down the hall, that’s why I collided with his shoulder and slightly pushed him out the way. 

“The fuck, Iero, watch your goddamn pace, dickhead”, he barked at me. Exhaling slowly, I kept myself from rolling my eyes and spat out a half-hearted apology. I quickly shoved my books into my locker, slammed it shut and made my way up to the school’s back yard. I knew there was a 87.5% chance of finding Alicia smoking next to the beat up trashcan in the paved corner of the schoolyard.  
I was right.

She spotted me first, waving enthusiastically at me.  
“Hey there, Frank, how’s it going?” I tried to walk over as casually as I allowed myself. It was fucking freezing outside, even for a late November day. And a mere hoodie obviously wasn’t enough clothing, NOW I know, thanks mom.  
Alicia took a deep drag from her cigarette and brushed the black fringe out of her face. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and it made her look really pretty. The thing is, I know Alicia for as long as I remember. We were together at kindergarten and if it wasn’t for that idiot Bert, she’d probably be my best friend; there’s just no one who knows me better than she does. We actually tried to be more than friends at some part last year, but it didn’t work out, so we settled back to our easy friendship.  
She really is one of the coolest girls I know. 

 

“What are you smiling at, hobo?”She laughed teasingly and offered me a cigarette. 

“Jeez, you know I don’t smoke, do you, Ally?” I tried not to roll my eyes. 

“Yeah and you now I fucking hate it when you call me that, dumbass”, she chuckled, slowly exhaling. “So, how’s it going?”

“S’okay, I think I finally passed my biology exam, which is actually pretty awesome considering it was only my third attempt”, I huffed, flashing her a goofy smile. 

“God Frank, you’re such a loser”, she took another drag. 

“And that’s why you love me, cherry pie; but listen, I wanted to talk to you”, I said, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. 

“What is it? Oh no, please don’t tell me you got your period for the first time and now you don’t know where to insert your tampon”, she giggled, gesturing at me.  
“Shut up you witch”, I teased her, “No, listen, it’s about that weird kid you know”

“Could you possibly be any more precise than that? You’re not exactly normal yourself, you know?” 

 

Alicia wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck and let the cigarette stump fall to the ground where she stomped on it with the heel of her boot. I took a deep breath. 

 

“Come on Alicia, you know which kid I mean. Jet black hair, bangs, always sits alone, gets picked on all the time?” Alicia looked at me in surprise. 

“You mean Joe, the fat one from Carrie’s class? What could one possibly want from Joe?”

“What the- no, not fat Joe or whoever the fuck you’re talking about, the one who got pudding into his hair a few days ago and hasn’t shown up at school since.” Alicia blinked a few times before letting out a knowing sound.  
“Ah, guess I know who you mean”, she said. “We have geography together, I think his name is Gerard or something like that, I don’t know…”

“How do you not know when you’re in the same class? What do you know about him?”  
She looked at me in a mix of confusion and annoyance. 

“Frankie, why the hell do you care? Oh wait, I don’t even wanna know. However, I don’t know much about him. He switched schools and came here at the beginning of this year; it doesn’t seem like he made any friends so far. There are rumors that he’s gay but then again I think it’s Derek who started these rumors and you know how reliable of a source he is.” She sighed. “Funny thing is, some girls seem to crush on him pretty bad. Guess it’s the whole always-dressed-in-black-silent-type vibe he’s got going on. Maybe that’s also why the jock’s got him on their radar, who knows”, she stepped from one foot to the other.

“Heck, Frank, are you content now, well I hope you are, ‘cause I’m sure as fuck going back inside now before my goddamn fingers are frozen to the bone.”  
With that she winked at me and left me standing in the freezing wind of the schoolyard. I probably stood there for another five minutes like a complete idiot before finally retreating inside. I still had no idea why the fuck I was suddenly so interested in that guy. 

 

Well, maybe my life was that boring after all.


	2. Chapter 2

When it came to school lunch the decision between a so called chicken korma that looked like the intestines of Kermit the frog and an awfully smelling pork chop seemed like choosing between cholera and the plague. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see the lunch lady scowling at my disgusted face.  
That’s what you get for serving that shit, bitch! God, what was I supposed to eat now?

“Decide right now or you’ll have to eat what I give you, there are others waiting as well”, she spat. 

“I think I’d rather starve myself then, thank you very much!” I retorted, wrinkling my nose. I don’t know why I was so bitchy that day, really, I don’t. She just shrugged it off.  
“Have a nice death then. Next one!”  
What is it with that school? It seemed absolutely no one gave a fucking shit about you. It was sad, actually. Grumpily I made my way over to my friends’ table and silently sat down. After finishing what felt like an eternity of staring at a peculiar looking crack on the wall, I promptly pushed my chair back and left our table with a really lame excuse I can’t even remember. 

It was in the locker hallway, right around the corner when I heard their voices. From what I could make out there were Derek, Kyle and three others loitering there, other than that the hallway seemed deserted. 

I don’t know what in Satan’s name drove me to do what I did next – actually slipping inside the janitor’s closet with the fucking intention of overhearing their fucking conversation.  
Deathwishes, Frank? 

I had to swallow hard as I thought about what Derek would probably do to me if he found out I had been eavesdropping. Getting my head pushed into the toilet would probably be pretty much the first thing on his list.

“-noticed that bitch is gone?”

Fuck; stupid thinking about toilet-dips, now I missed part of the conversation. 

“What”, some jock I didn’t recognize asked. 

“I said have you noticed that bitch is gone?”

“What bitch?”

“Jesus, Chip you dumbfuck, pay attention for once”, Derek snapped, “I’m talking about that emo fag! Ever since I threw that pudding into his pretty little princess face he disappeared. Guess he doesn’t have the guts to show his whiny ass here anymore. Or he’s too busy getting it fucked”, the others laughed. 

“He’d better not”, Kyle jeered. “Derek, you know that he hit on Jamie the other day?”

Who the fuck was Jamie again? But just as my spider senses started tingling – what? Oh sorry, I am zoning out on comic references again, ain’t I? However, I realized you didn’t exactly have to be Sherlock motherfucking Holmes to realize Jamie was obviously Derek’s girlfriend.  
I could practically feel that guy’s blood run cold. 

“He. did. WHAT?” Derek snarled a second later. 

“Jup, saw him talking to her after art. Dunno what about but she was all battering eyelashes at him. You know she has a thing for pretty boys in tight jeans”, Kyle chuckled, but the grin died on his face as he saw Derek’s expression. That man was out for blood. 

“That’s it, I’m fucking killing him! If that asshole ever sets foot near my baby again I’mma BUST his fuckin’ pretty face”, Derek thundered down the hall. I felt my own blood freezing in my veins. 

I still sat there in that fucking closet, a long while after the football coach had called Derek and his minions for training, shivering lightly.  
I had to warn that Gerard guy.

Somehow I just had to.

\---

I sighed in desperation at what I had obviously gotten myself into.  
‘That’s what you get for being a nosy dumbass’, I scolded myself. 

I mean seriously, what the hell had I expected? Everyone in high school knows unless you can count yourself amongst the rows of the cool kids, it’s better to hold your head low – if you don’t want to invite any bully to bash your ass, that is. But on the other hand, no one ever stood their ground for a victim, at least not at this school. Well, I actually did last week.

But I have to be honest right there, I somehow just did it to feel better about myself. I know that sounds awful, but yes, I had one of those ‘what is my purpose in life am I even a half-decent human being’ sessions during German. Somehow I seemed to always get philosophical during German, but I’m starting to slide off-topic. 

However, I was just leaving that particularly depressing German class thinking about my achievements in life when I saw Derek and three of his faithful companions circled around some guy I couldn’t see at that point. In fact at first I wouldn’t have taken any notice of the situation at all if it wasn’t for those pricks cornering their victim directly in front of my fucking locker.

“Look at him, is he even a guy?” Their mocking voices sounded along the hallway. 

“Have you seen those eyelashes, I’m pretty sure he’s a girl! You a girl, motherfucker?” Derek jeered.  
Silence. 

“Hey faggot, he asked you a question, better fucking answer!” Guess that’d been Chip’s voice. Really, no credit for original dialogue here, boys.

A small crowd of already started to build itself up around the scene. Things like that make me sick. People just standing there, watching as someone gets harassed, doing nothing; part of them because they’re scared, but the majority – and that’s what really makes me want to punch something – because they enjoy it. 

I shuffled closer to the scene and that was when I could first catch a glimpse of the poor soul currently on Derek’s radar of misery. I could barely recall having seen the guy sometime during lunch or so, but then again, I couldn’t quite remember. 

There he stood, all dressed in black, from his jeans to his hoodie, raven hair falling into his eyes. My first thought admittedly was ‘emo-kid’ but then again who the fuck am I to judge – I mostly wear black band t-shirts as well. Besides, he thankfully had no weird emo haircut or heavy makeup on; his hair rather looked like a bird’s nest in an endearing kind of way, ruffled as it was. But I had to admit, he did have effeminate features. 

He currently looked furious, his eyes were blazing venomously as he uttered through tightly gritted teeth “Go fuck yourself” – only to cause Derek to actually burst into laughter. 

“M’sure you’d like that, fucker, but unfortunately for you, I don’t swing that way. But-“, he added cheerily as he pushed the black-haired kid back against the row of lockers. I was about to step forward when that asswipe of a jock actually grabbed my locker door and tried to open it. What the flying fuck? When he realized it was locked he just tore open the next one. 

“How ‘bout you stay in detention room for a while, eh? You’re so tiny; I bet you actually fit in there.”  
The whole hallway was filled with their obnoxious laughter as Derek pulled on the guy’s collar and practically tried to shove him into the locker.  
I guess that was when something inside me just snapped. 

As ridiculous as it sounds; I just wanted to do something good, to be someone’s knight in shining armor for once. Don’t try denying; I guess we’ve all felt like that some time in our lives. It was such a dumb idea whatsoever. 

All I practically did was step forward, tip Derek on the shoulder and the second he turned around throw a punch directly onto his nose. I’m not the strongest guy out there and I’m not particularly tall myself, but I have to admit I couldn’t suppress feeling smug because that fucking punch wasn’t bad.  
Not only did it startle Derek, it also caused him a fucking nosebleed. 

He choked out “What the he-“ and then his fist collided with my jaw in a way that had my whole head snapping to the side.  
That. Hurt. Like. A. Bitch. 

I tried my best not to show it, but tears were actually welling up in the corners of my eyes. 

“What’s that supposed to mean, Iero, this is none of your fuckin’ business”, Derek snarled.

“Actually it is, Walker, ‘cause it’s my motherfucking locker you’re blocking.” Despite my instant fear of getting hit again I kept holding his gaze; thank God for all the adrenaline running through my system. 

Suddenly, Derek let out a displeased grunt. “Guys we’re finished here, let’s go grab some dessert!” 

Ignoring the disappointed mutters of his minions he shoved the black haired guy one last time against the locker, pushing down his books in the process. He stopped right in front of my face. “We’re finished Iero, ‘cause I know my right hook and you’ll feel that in a week still. But if you try playing that fairy’s hero again, I’ll rip your ass open, you got me?” And with that he left me standing there, cheering at his girlfriend who he must’ve spotted and retreated into lunch hall. 

I stood there paralyzed for another few moments until the crowd was slowly dissolving as the show was clearly over now. I gingerly brushed my hand over the left side of my jaw and the next instant I wished I hadn’t – it really DID hurt like a bitch. As I looked around again the hallway was pretty much empty; so it seemed the guy had disappeared without even saying thank you, that bastard.  
I sighed deeply. 

Well, in fact he did come up afterwards, but you know that already, so I can skip that part of the story. I glanced at my watch. Fuck, was it already half past three? How long did I fucking sit in that goddamn janitor’s closet reminiscing things that happened last fucking week? My fucking ass already hurt and that floor wasn’t exactly on the comfy side. I stood up, stretched my limbs, grabbed my bag, peeked out the door – the hallway was deserted since school had been out for almost an hour by now – and quickly made my way out of the building.

 

\---

 

While jogging home I couldn’t pin my mind to anything else but the latest events that had to do with this…Gerard-guy. Was that even his first name? Sounded pretty ancient. I couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t shown up at school for five days in a row. Tomorrow was Tuesday. The pudding incident had then been exactly a week ago. And you can’t really count weekends, so that left him skipping school for five days straight. Hmm, maybe he’d show up tomorrow, who knows. If he did however, I solemnly made myself swear to walk up to him and just have a little chat. 

I still didn’t know why I was so infatuated with that kid, but at least it was something to look forward to – and I needed that distraction so badly. My life was exceptionally boring at the moment. No girls, no sex, nothing else exciting was going on. 

Finally reaching home I slipped the key into the lock and went straight for my room as soon as I kicked off my battered converse somewhere in the front hall. I didn’t even bother to greet anyone because my Mom wasn’t home anyway and my Dad – well, that’s another story. 

To somehow kill my time I switched on my laptop, checked my Facebook and then resigned to watching some porn and jacking off in the process. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m only human!  
As I laid flat on my back, breathing still ragged from my usual you-did-a-good-job-Frank-post orgasm high my thoughts wandered back to the guy. Hopefully he’d show up at school the next day.

He did.

 

And I would have never expected what followed.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day at school was a fucking normal day like every other. Bert, Bob and I were hanging out a bit on the big, paved parking lot in front of our school; leaning casually against Bob’s old Pontiac – his only pride. He got it from his granddad and though it was rusty all over, it was also kinda the fucking coolest ride I’ve ever seen. 

“Have you heard about that party at Becky’s on Friday?” Bert asked, voice muffled from the cigarette hanging from his lips. “Fucking wind”, he cursed as he fumbled with his lighter, huffing triumphantly as he finally got the cherry lit.

“Becky’s throwing a party again? Didn’t she learn her lesson from that pool disaster last summer?” Bob teased. 

“Doesn’t matter, Becky’s parties always kick ass” 

“Yeah, ‘cause there are always a bunch of drunk girls and poor Frankie here desperately needs to get laid again”, Bert chuckled. 

“Shut up asshole, when did you get a girl last time? Fucking stone age?” Bob burst into laughter and Bert flipped me the bird. 

“Hey guys, aren’t your balls freezing already?” Alicia’s voice rang over the parking lot. She had her arm around Carrie, her best friend – sometimes those two really seemed inseparable. 

“Now that you mention it, I’m already fuckin’ icy, let’s go get inside”, Bert exclaimed, dropping the remains of his cigarette and extinguishing the butt with the heel of his boot. 

\---

The locker hallway was crowded with people by the time we entered the building and like every morning it was a damn hard journey to actually get to one’s godforsaken locker. Class was about to begin in five minutes and the classrooms were already filling as well. I was about to stroll off to Art when Bert suddenly grabbed my arm and hissed into my ear. 

“Hey, isn’t that the guy whose ass you saved? Damn, what happened to his emo-hair?” The mixture of shock and approval in his voice caused me to turn around.

There he was, slowly walking down the hallway. His jet black hair was gone. _Gone._

He had his hair cut so it laid in short strands on his forehead, and it was dyed fucking platinum blonde, almost white-ish. He still wore black from head to toe; tight black jeans, black hoodie and black converse. His eyes were blazing; a cocky and defiant look in them – I couldn’t tell if he was wearing eyeliner – it didn’t seem so, but his eyes were somehow accentuated. I embarrassingly had to admit it – he looked drop dead gorgeous. 

“Damn, the short cut suits him, he’s looking handsome”, I heard Alicia chuckle right next to me, before she grabbed Carrie’s arm and dragged her off down the hall, yelling back “Whatever, got to get to class! See you later guys!”

The ringing of the bell pulled me back out of my thoughts. “You coming, Frank?” Bert looked at me questioningly. “

Naw, go ahead, I’ll catch up with you guys in a sec. Tell Mr. Delaney I needed to go to the bathroom”, I replied and quickly left before Bert even got the time to answer. The hallway was almost empty by the time I reached Gerard, who was fiddling with his locker. Out of the corner of my eye I could spot Bert eyeing me curiously before just shrugging it off and exiting the hallway with Bob on his heels. 

Gerard was attempting to push too many books into his locker at once as I approached him. The hallway was void of people again; since the first lesson had already begun. 

“Hey”, I said nervously. He stiffened, but didn’t turn around. 

“What is it?” he asked in a low voice. He suddenly reminded me of a cornered animal, all defensive like that. I took a deep breath. 

“I dunno, uh, I was just thinking – maybe you’d wanna hang out a bit? Art is boring anyway, so I was thinking of skipping… Wanna join me? I’m Frank by the way” I extended my hand. 

For a few seconds everything was dead silent apart from the metal clasp as he closed his locker door again. When he finally turned around to face me I became aware of the fact that he was actually only a few inches taller than me – meaning he was a fucking midget as well. He forced his lips into a grimaced smile that didn’t reach his eyes. I noticed that somehow the skin beneath his left eye was slightly darker than the rest of his face.  
 _What the fuck, stop staring at his face, you goddamn creep!_

“What is this supposed to be, _Frank_?” He said my name like he was trying out how it’d fit his tongue. It was weirdly sexy. I mentally slapped myself. 

“Have you lost a bet or something like that? Look, I don’t mean to be rude or anything and I really appreciate that you stood up for me the other day even though we both know you didn’t do it for me. But the last thing I need right now is another person to fuck up my life.” He sighed. 

I’ve no idea why, but somehow I felt the need to defend myself. 

“See, I was just worried because you didn’t show at school for five days. I know you get hassled, I just wanted to know if everything is alright.” 

Narrowing his eyes at me, he got even more defensive. 

“Well you don’t need to be, okay, we aren’t friends so this is none of your fucking business”, he snapped arrogantly and tried to slip away between me and the lockers. In a flash of anger I swirled around and grabbed his arm. 

“Well I’m sorry for actually caring about your pansy ass! I can see now why no one likes you, sucker! Sorry for just having tried to be a nice human being!” As I ranted on I didn’t realize he winced in pain at my grip. His eyes suddenly grew wide and he brought his free arm up to his face as if to protect himself from blows that never came. I was so shocked at his reaction that it took me a few moments to drop his arm. I could almost read it right on his face; the realization of how submissive he had just behaved in front of me, a stranger, as his cheeks reddened with embarrassment. 

“I don’t need your fucking pity!” he screamed at my face before he turned on his heel and ran down the hall, leaving me standing there; horrified and so, so confused. 

Okay, that had been weird. Extremely weird. To be precise, I slowly got the sensation that something was slightly off about Gerard’s behavior.  
To understand why I did what I was about to do you must know another thing about me: at that point of my life I was rather frustrated. My last relationship ended badly over a year ago, since then I had had a few hook-ups but nothing more, nothing less. I was about to graduate from high school this year and I had absolutely no idea which college I should apply for, let alone what to study in the first place. My Mom or my friends were no help whatsoever. I guess I had just reached a point in my life where everything kinda pissed me off. I needed a distraction. I needed something interesting to get me on track again and I felt as if I just had found myself something to occupy with after all.

 

That’s why I decided I was about to get involved. 

\---

 

Mr. Delaney wasn’t that mad at me for turning up late because – and God knows why – he liked me. Bob tends to say Mr. Delaney’s got a hard on for my drawings but I highly doubt that, because I’m not even talented at-fucking-all. Except you’d call the stick figure cartoons I find myself doodling all the time artistic. I mean I’m pretty good with watercolors, but that’s it folks. No magic behind that. 

“Ah, now noble of you to lighten up our class with your presence, Mr. Iero”, Mr. Delaney uttered sarcastically as I entered the classroom. I forced out a laugh and shuffled over to slump down on my chair right next to Bert, who glanced at me suspiciously. 

“What?” I whispered before Delaney cut me off. 

“Frank, have you by any chance seen Mr. Way? He has been transferred to our class but unfortunately he hasn’t shown up yet.” I stared at him in utter confusion. “What?” I asked dumbly. In that very moment the classroom door burst open and a very flushed Gerard stumbled inside, his cheeks rosy from running. 

“Ah, very well, Mr. Way”, Delaney said cheerily. “Guys, that’s Gerard Way, maybe some of you know him from other shared classes but I’ll introduce him just in case you don’t. He will be having Art with us until the end of this term. Gerard, just sit next to Frank, will you?”

What? No! This was like the script of every awful teen movie enrolled into one giant mess. Where did the new guy have to sit? Where he hates to sit the most – next to the weird dude who first saved his ass and then assaulted him in the hallway.  
Brilliant. 

Could someone just please hand Delaney an award for being the dumbfuck of the year? 

I sighed exasperatedly. Gerard scowled at Delaney then walked over to the desk he had shown him, brows furrowed, eyes downcast and heavily slumped down onto the chair. As Delaney moved on to art history I dug out my sketchbook and started scribbling. I was pissed to say the least, I had planned to spend art class thinking about how I could find out more about him and now the universe sabotaged my plotting by sitting that stupid fuck right next to me. It was awful. And frustrating. And it actually got worse when Delaney divided us into groups of two for a lovely group project and guess who got to work together with Gerard Way?  
500 points for you. 

Fuck you, Delaney. 

 

The task itself was rather easy. Discuss the influences of gothic constructors and sketch the prototype of a gothic cathedral in the process. I ripped a blank page out of my sketchbook and flatted it out on the desk before us. Gerard however simply stared at his hands for three fucking minutes. I sighed in desperation and in a feeble attempt to disperse the weird tension between us I started to mumble “Look, I’m sorry for what happened before, okay? You’re right, it is none of my fucking business and I’ll stay out of it.” 

No response. Goddammit! I was starting to get angry again but I decided to swallow it down and grabbed my pencil. Suddenly Gerard turned to actually face me and flashed me a wide grin.  
What the hell?

“It’s okay! I guess I was just surprised that you were so interested in me all of a sudden and that got me suspicious”, he winked and fuck if I didn’t blush right there.  
“Oh and yeah, I’d really like to hang out”, he laughed. 

I was so confused. I had never seen that guy laugh so openly before. I mean not that I paid a lot of attention to him before two weeks ago but anyway. He snatched the pencil from my fingers and started to sketch in long, fuzzy strokes. I watched him for while. He had really dark, girly lashes that lay against his still flushed cheeks as he cast his eyes down on the paper. A very vivid picture of his lashes on his cheeks and his lips wrapped around more inappropriate body parts popped up.  
Oh God, why do I even think of such things? Did I really need to get laid that desperately that I exploited random guys for even more random fantasies? _Jesus, Frank, you were some fucked up asshole.  
Wait a moment, you still are. _

Gerard must at some point have noticed me staring because all of a sudden I was faced with smirking hazel eyes. He giggled softly.  
“Mr. Delaney”, he suddenly spoke up rather cheerily, winking at me while snapping the charcoal he was holding in half with his fingers. What the actual fuck?  
“Frank just broke our last charcoal pencil! I’m afraid we have to go to the art supplies closet and fetch a new one”  
I gaped at him completely and utterly speechless. What kind of game was that sly fuck playing? 

He then actually pouted at Mr. Delaney who just huffed out a slightly annoyed “Okay, but I expect you to be back in five minutes straight!”

“Aye, Sir”, Gerard saluted, grabbed my sleeve and dragged me out of the classroom and down the hall. 

“What the hell”, was all I managed to choke out because the next thing I knew was being shoved inside the small closet and getting pushed against a shelf of acrylic paints. To say I was short taken would be the understatement of the fucking decade. 

I blinked dumbly at Gerard, who pushed his chest against my stiff body, grabbed the back of my neck and angrily pressed his lips against mine. I was pretty startled at first, before I opened my mouth trying to say something, to say anything but he just pushed his tongue inside in an instant. It was only a few seconds before he broke away. Panting, I blinked my eyes open just to face him looking at me with the most depreciative expression I had ever seen. His eyes were narrowed and cynically sparkling, albeit his still wet and slightly opened lips. 

“There you have it, I made your job easier”, he hissed.

“What?” I did not understand what the fuck was going on now. I just felt like being thrown in the wrong goddamn room or something. What the fuck? 

“Don’t play me like I’m stupid, ‘cause I’m not, asshole!”, he spat bitterly. “I just sped up the process of you making fun of that ‘pathetic faggot’ by whatever great plan you and your asswipe friends had made up for me. There, look at him, he really is a faggot, ew, he kissed me, let’s make his miserable life even more shitty, yadda yadda. I’ve HAD IT BEFORE!” he ranted on while pacing back and forth in the small closet.  
“But this time I actually saved myself from being deceived by a supposedly oh so nice friend who then just turns out to be another piece of shit using me! Fuck you!”

He was now grinning wickedly, despite the tears he was obviously trying to fight back. He shot one final look at me before he simply turned on his heel and left. 

Honestly, right there I felt as if someone just wiped my mind blank. Fuck, this whole thing was worse than I thought.


	4. Chapter 4

For a few moments I felt like I couldn’t just retreat back to class and act like nothing happened when I just got fucking kissed by a GUY! Motherfucking fuck! My cheeks felt hot; I was sure as hell blushing furiously. I slipped out of the closet and walked back to the classroom, growing angrier the farther I got. The moment I pulled the door open Mr. Delaney approached me, gesturing wildly with his paint stained hands. 

“Ah Mr. Iero, thanks for taking care of Mr. Way when he got sick, I just sent him home; so everything is taken care of. Thank you for cleaning up.” I looked at him in bewilderment for a few seconds before slowly shuffling over to my desk. So that meant that bastard had just fled. First he kisses me seemingly out of nowhere, then proceeds to talk shit about me bullying him and now he just fucks off? What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I mean seriously, what kind of game was this? More and more I felt like I was the one getting fooled by him, not the other way round.

“Dude, what bit your balls; you’re scowling like some Disney villain”, Bert teased, but I just fucking wasn’t in the mood for his shit.   
“Fuck off”, I growled and just waited for that goddamn day to be over soon. 

Even though my mood was still as rotten as it could be I must have at some point let Bob and Bert talk me into some kind of video game marathon at Bert’s that night. Damn those idiots; always forcing me to be sociable when I was in one of my infamous ‘whole-world-just-piss-off’ moods. But oh well, I guess that’s exactly why I love them. So apparently we were going to play a hell lotta Halo tonight and it was my turn to get the beer and pizza.   
The time I reached home it was four and dusk was already breaking. It was even snowing lightly. I fumbled with the key for a good amount of time before finally unlocking the goddamn door and stepping inside; fucking icy fingers goddammit!   
Throwing my bag in some corner and kicking off my shoes in the process I headed over to the kitchen. Frustrated and in lack of something better to eat I found myself munching at some stale microwave meal whilst checking my Facebook a few minutes later. 

Words couldn’t express how pissed I currently was at Gerard. And anger always got me frustrated. I had to obliviate my anger somehow and the only way to do that would contain either destroying something valuable or have a good orgasm.   
I decided against vandalism. 

The awful part was however; no matter how hard I tried to focus on tits, my betraying mind seemed to rather replay that kiss from earlier like a fucking broken record. And it hadn’t even been that good, it was messy and it didn’t even last a decent time but it left me wondering what it’d be like if he had really kissed me. How his lips would taste. How his fingers would tangle in my hair.   
And that was when I came. 

Jesus Christ, could this get any worse? I buried my head in shame and cringed at the thought of what had become of my life. Jacking off to fantasies of a guy that actually kissed me just a few hours ago when I wasn’t even into guys in the first place?

Hey, what’s that sound?  
Ah, it’s only my dignity. 

In fucking flames. 

 

\---

 

I must have dozed off at some point after burying my head in the pillows of shame and self-disgust, because when I woke up again it was almost eight. Fuck, didn’t Bert say ‘eight at my place and you better not be late motherfucker’? I sleepily rubbed my eyes, pulled on my pants and an only slightly crumpled Billy Talent shirt and ruffled my hair a bit so it wasn’t as much pillow-flat as before. 

“Where are you going, Frank?” Mom’s voice sounded over from the living room, where I could also hear the faint buzzing noise of the running TV. I froze in mid air trying to grab my keys. 

“Oh Mom, you’re home already? Sorry, I must’ve been asleep, I didn’t notice. I’m going over to Bert’s. Will be back late, don’t wait up for me.”

“Don’t you have school tomorrow?”, she called over, sounding suspicious.

I rolled my eyes. “Not before 11’30 Mom, stop worrying. Bye!”  
I grabbed a hoodie, slipped out and shut the door before she could protest any further. I love my mother, but sometimes she was a bit of a killjoy and I didn’t want her to ground me for the sake of homework or something like that. Who knows, parents sometimes tend to have weird mood-swings.

It was snowing heavier, so I pulled up my hood and shoved my hands into my pockets. Jeez, I really should have brought my gloves. The cold was winning a fight against me so I decided to jog the way to our favorite liquor store; which was thankfully just a few blocks away from Bert’s home.   
Why that shitty little corner store was considered our favorite liquor store had one simple reason.   
Shane, the twenty-something owner, a guy that looked like he killed a few people at some point in his shady past didn’t care whether our IDs were fake, he just cared about the money. And that was more than fine with me. 

I pushed the creaky glass door open and realized the store was empty. I couldn’t even spot Shane behind the dingy counter. I slowly walked down the aisles in the cold, fluorescent neon light; checking out the beer brands before finally grabbing a sixpack and strolling over to the counter. But Shane the asshole was nowhere to be seen. I peeked over the counter and tried to catch a glimpse of the small employee room hidden behind a dirty curtain. The minutes seemed to drop by agonizingly slow like sticky liquid before all of a sudden two muffled voices could be heard from behind the curtain. 

“Please Shane, you said you’d do it, I really need the money. You know I do.”

“So what, I need a lot of things and no one ever gives a shit. Life is full of disappointment, get used to it”  
“Don’t make me plead-“

“Ha! You can’t get any lower, you already hit rock-bottom, trust me. Do you remember what happened last time you asked for money? Well business is-a-changin’ and this time you’ll have to offer more than a shitty blowjob to get what you want”   
I sucked in a shaking breath, trying to focus on the conversation that was going on. 

“Fuck you” A chuckle.  
“Piss off. You’ll be crawling back in no-time anyway.” Approaching footsteps. 

“Oh and Gee? I don’t like your new hair, it’s too short to grab properly!” A laugh. 

My insides turned at what I just heard. I don’t know why but my brain somehow got the idea that I’d better ducked behind a shelf of porn magazines and I’m fucking glad I did because the very next moment a hunched figure rushed out through the store and even though his hoodie covered most of it I recognized Gerard’s face in a heartbeat. 

Oh fuck, what the hell was going on here?

 

\---

 

My heart was fucking racing as I stared right through the shelf in absolute shock.   
“Lookin’ for some good porn there, kid?” Shane chuckled. I snapped out of my thoughts and turned my head.   
“What? Oh, uhm, naw, I was just browsing”, I said, scratching the back of my head nervously.   
“Sure”, Shane smirked at me. From his light-hearted demeanor I guessed he had no idea that I overheard his conversation with Gerard. But why the hell was Gerard connected to some bastard like Shane? How did he know him? And why was he in such an urgent need of money? Was he addicted to drugs? Did he need any kind of medication he couldn’t afford? Were there any siblings to be fed? Was he orphaned? So many unanswered questions; I felt like my head was going to explode any second. 

“Listen kid, you take anything or just keep staring at Big Tits Vol. 4; because if so, I’mma charge you for it, man”, Shane laughed. A shiver ran down my spine. I cleared my throat and forced out a smile.   
“I’ll take the sixpack”, I motioned to the beer still standing on the counter.   
“No need for that, just give me 10 bucks and we’re even”, he cut me off as I was fumbling for my fake ID. I dropped the money on the counter, grabbed the beer and stumbled out of the store in haste. 

It was snowing heavier again. I quickly crossed the empty parking lot and turned right to take my usual short cut to Bert's house. Yeah, everyone knows taking short cuts through alleyways in Jersey at night is dangerous as fuck but if you just dash through and don’t stop it also saves you a nice amount of time. And I was already running late so I figured I’d better hurried up.   
My thoughts were racing again. First I hadn’t even noticed Gerard and I were going to the same school and now he seemed to be everywhere. 

I plugged in my mp3 player and set it on shuffle. The first song that popped up was by System of a Down. The early stuff. Nice, my brain was totally in need of some angry music.   
Silently humming along the song that was currently blasting into my ears I almost tripped over a homeless person hunched on the ground against a brick house wall. 

“The fuck..?” I cursed and turned around. Wait a moment, that black hoodie and beat up chucks seemed familiar…  
I huffed in surprise, feeling kind of taken aback and strangely alleviated at the same time. The amount of times I seemed to ‘coincidentally’ bump into Gerard was almost uncanny by now.   
Jesus, old pal, ‘you making fun of me up there? Are you that bored? No prayers of desperate but faithful Christians to answer to? No toast-crust to appear in?

But I had to admit however, I d i d feel kinda relieved to see him there, at least I could make sure he was okay after that…uhm, incident with Shane and, well, maybe clear things up between us. 

“Gerard, uhm, hi” I stammered awkwardly. When no answer came I crouched down beside him. “Hey, is everyth- HOLY shit!” I gasped as I saw the large, dark purple bruise under his left eye and the dried blood on his split lip. His gaze was unfocused and he shivered slightly. I acted purely out of instinct.   
“Gerard, what the fuck happened to you? Jesus, get up, it’s cold as fuck”, I grabbed his arm and dragged him to his feet. 

“Listen, I’mma walk you home okay, where do you live?” I asked, quickly scanning his body for any more visible wounds or bruises.   
“NO”, he suddenly screamed, voice hoarse, as he ripped his arm free. “I’m not going home”, he said and backed up against the wall, clutching his arm tightly to his chest.   
“Okay, okay”, I held up my hands in defeat. 

“But it’s fucking snowing and freezing cold and unless you wanna get fucking pneumonia or shit like that we should get inside somewhere. You could, eh, come to my place?” He would probably refuse anyway. And he actually looked like he was considering it for a moment before he sighed deeply. 

“Okay”, he finally said in a small voice. He sounded exhausted. 

“Great”, I flashed him a confident smile. “It’s, uhm, that way”, I pointed in the exact direction I came from. He raised his eyebrows questioningly for a second before just casting his gaze back on the snowy pavement. We walked together silently, but my thoughts screamed at me.   
Good god, this whole thing was getting more twisted with every passing moment. 

When I unlocked the door I almost sighed in relief as I realized my Mom wasn’t home yet. Gerard just stood awkwardly next to me, looking so out of place that I just had to smile. 

“My room is upstairs, go ahead and make yourself at home, I’ll be with you in a sec.”

He nodded timidly and crept up the stairs, but not before slipping out of his snowy shoes and neatly placing them on the doormat next to a pair of boots that belonged to my Mom. As I heard him hesitantly opening the door to my room, I slipped into the kitchen, unsure what to do myself. My palms were actually sweaty; I had no idea why I was so nervous all of a sudden. It was my idea to bring him home after all.   
Oh shit! A glance on the clock on the kitchen wall told me that it was already nearly half past eight. Damn, Bert’s gonna be so pissed. I flipped open my phone just to see four missed calls and two angry texts popping up, one of them calling me a ‘small-dicked cunt’. Wow Bert, really getting creative there, hats off! I didn’t bother with long explanations, a simple 

\- sry dude, m feelin’ fuckin sick, see ur asses tomorrow@school -

would have to do. Thankfully neither Bert nor Bob were the kind of guy who’d hold a grudge. 

I quickly browsed the kitchen counters in search of anything decent I could offer Gerard to eat. A bag of ketchup chips and cheese tortillas weren’t exactly what I had in mind, but they’d have to do as well. Since my Mom had to do longer night shifts recently and always came home from work too tired to do anything. And being the shitty son I am I tend to forget to do the groceries most of the time. 

Back upstairs I was rather surprised to find Gerard sitting cross legged on the floor, browsing through my Batman collection. He flinched and almost dropped my issue of HUSH when he heard me enter and a small blush crept up his cheeks. He almost stumbled over his own words, rushing to explain.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, but Batman is SO awesome! I loved the HUSH series, have you read Year One? Fucking awesome, man. The Joker was rad, too!” And with that he held a five minute monologue about fucking Batman. I couldn’t help cracking up, hell I even cracked up harder at that adorable little confused face he made, all pouty lips as he saw me laughing. 

“What? What are you laughing at? Goddammit, you gotta tell me to stop if I start rambling on about something again, seriously, dude. Trust me, it’s like once I began there’s no stopping me.”

He laughed as well, which surprised me, considering his apathetic state earlier. I mean, it was good to see him laugh carelessly, but something still was off. And I had so many unanswered questions. I knew I was gonna kill the mood, but I just had to ask. 

“Gerard, uhm, why were you sitting in that alley?” I blurted out and suddenly part of me wished I hadn’t because I saw his face drop. He hesitated a little before answering. 

“I was just…you know, I was about to have a smoke and I dropped my lighter and, uh…”  
Lie number one. 

“Why didn’t you want to go home?”

“Cause I had just left and wanted to be outside a bit first?” it sounded more like a question than a statement. Also, there went lie number two. What kind of idiot did he take me for?

“What’s that bruise on your cheek?” I asked instead. “And don’t even try telling me you fell down the stairs cause we both know that’s bullshit.” I said a little harsher than intended. 

“Don’t”, he whispered. I crouched down on the floor beside him.

“Don’t what?” I looked at him questioningly. 

He took a shaking breath before responding. “Don’t try to get involved. It’s not worth it.”

 

“But-“ – “Please”, he firmly cut me off.   
I took a deep breath and decided to let it drop for now, fearing that he would shut down again. 

“Let’s just talk about No Man’s Land instead”, he smiled at me as if nothing ever happened. “Have you read it? I think its s i c k man; I mean really, one of the best Batman arcs ever written!”

It really confused me how easy he could just slip into another role in mere seconds and pretend everything was perfectly normal. It was a little scary to tell the truth. But it was also comforting in a way to see him relax again and not much later we were having a heartfelt discussion about Batman and why Superman sucked balls and how awesome Harley Quinn was and before we really realized it, the bags of chips were empty and discarded beer bottles were littering my floor.   
Funny how fast time went by when all we did was hang around, drink, nerd out about comic books and play Uncharted – and we barely even knew each other.

“You know”, Gerard suddenly said, stretching out flat on my floor. “I get Rorschach.”

“What?” I mumbled sleepily, lying down beside him, giggling as my foot accidentally kicked against an empty beer bottle. 

“When he dared Dr. Manhattan to kill him in the end. I get why he did it. I would have done the same.”

I lay there silently for a few seconds, staring up at the ceiling, my vision slightly blurry from the booze. 

“I don’t know”, I finally said. “Was his death really for a reason? I mean he couldn’t stop the tragedy from happening anyway, so yet another body was really unnecessary.”

“Yeah it was. But I get why he couldn’t live with the lie. Why he felt like living in a world that twisted and hypocritical wasn’t worth it anymore. I actually think Rorschach is the strongest character, you know, making that decision.”

“Why are we getting that melancholic all of a sudden?” I snickered. Gerard chuckled. “It’s the booze, there’s always that point where you get all deep and philosophical when you’re drunk and you can’t even help it. Damn I gotta piss, where’s your bathroom?” he clumsily got up. I watched his desperate attempts to not sway too much and couldn’t help a gleeful grin from spreading on my face. 

“It’s down the hallway, next to my Mom’s bedroom – but do me a favor and don’t accidentally piss my mother’s bed”, I grinned, but Gerard just stuck out his tongue and shuffled out of my room.   
I lay back again, closing my eyes in contentment after a quick glance at the clock – it was almost 1 am already and I was slowly getting really tired. Exactly before dozing off I could hear a mobile phone vibrating on the floor near me. I checked my back pocket but it wasn’t mine.   
“Uuuuuurgh, who’s disturbing”, I grunted, fumbling for the phone. It was Gerard’s. The display simply said ‘Dad’. 

“Gerard, get your ass over here, your Dad’s calling” I shouted over in his direction but no answer came. I could hear water running so he must probably have been washing his hands. Without a second thought I answered the call. 

“Hey, this is Gerard’s phone, he’s-“ – I couldn’t even finish my sentence before a male voice barked into my ear. 

“Who the fuck are you? Where is my son? Get that useless fuck on the phone right now or else!”

I looked up to find Gerard standing in the doorway, staring at me in complete shock. He snatched the phone off my hands and pressed it to his ear while hastily leaving my room. Even though it wasn’t on speaker I could still hear his father screaming to ‘get the fuck home right n o w’. Suddenly it was quiet again. Gerard came back into my room, fidgeting nervously with his hands. 

“Sorry Frank, I gotta go now. It was great hanging out, though. We should, ah, do it again some time?” he glanced at me timidly from under his lashes.   
“Sure”, I shrugged, getting up, grabbing my hoodie and walking (okay, swaying) past him downstairs. 

“What are you doing?” he called after me, drunkenly trying not to trip over the stairs as he was descending.   
“Making sure you actually get home, you might not admit it, but you’re drunk as fuck”, I giggled. 

“Jeez, I’m no fucking girl, there’s no need to walk me home, idiot!” he pouted at me playfully. “Besides, you’re not actually sober yourself, who’s gonna walk you home, eh?”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to walk each other home again and again like a never ending story of retards – ‘til sobriety does us part or shit like that!”  
We were both hopelessly laughing as we tried to put on our shoes. To say I wasn’t at least a little embarrassed of how I was flirting with Gerard Way, the strange guy I barely knew, like a 13 year old girl with a huge crush would be a massive lie. 

 

“Whatever, let’s go get your ass home, fucker”, I winked at him, holding the door open.


	5. Chapter 5

The closer we got to his home however, the more uneasy Gerard seemed to get; the more he tensed up. Two houses away he actually stopped in his tracks. 

“You know”, he looked at me nervously, “You don’t have to walk me the whole way, its fine”, he chewed on his lower lip worriedly; glancing over at what I assumed had to be his house.   
Not really paying attention I just went on walking and when I noticed he still was frozen to the spot he had been standing on I simply grabbed his sleeve and dragged him along.

“Oh come on, what’s the big deal”, I laughed. “If your Dad’s gonna be pissed I’mma tell him we were just playing video games and forgot the time. Don’t worry; I’m a real charmer if I want to be.”

Maybe it was because I was drunk and careless that I didn’t pay attention to how Gerard had asked me to stop or how he stiffened. I was completely oblivious to his resistance however, so I just stepped up onto his front porch, and pressed the doorbell. Not a single second later the door burst open with so much force it almost hit me square in the face.  
A man, Gerard’s Dad, walked out and the next thing I heard was the sharp sound of a slap. My eyes widened in shock as I saw Gerard’s father slapping him so hard across the face that his head actually snapped to the side. 

“You”, his father spat at him, “are a disgrace! Who the hell do you think you are? Where have you been the whole night?” Suddenly his gaze went to me. 

“Who is that?” he hissed at Gerard, grabbing his arm and shaking him roughly. Gerard brought up his arms to cover his face like he did when he had expected me to hit him earlier that day.  
It was then when something clicked inside my head. 

“Are you drunk? Have you been drinking?” Gerard’s father glared at his son furiously; but he just stood there, trembling, unable to utter a single word. “And who the fuck is that? Is that your little boyfriend? Have you spent the night fucking some dude while your mother was worried sick, you slut? You disgust me, Gerard, get the fuck inside!” With that he proceeded to shove Gerard inside the house. 

I just seemed to have found my words again so I raised my voice. 

“Hey, no need to talk to him like that, we were just playing video games, I’m-“

“Shut up kid, I don’t give a damn about who you are and now piss off!” he spat at me venomously. 

I desperately tried to catch a glimpse of Gerard, who was hunched behind his father. He silently shook his head no. 

Then the smash of the door ripped me out of my shock. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed. My drunken mind simply couldn’t wrap itself around the whole scene although I was by now so sick to my stomach that I probably sobered up pretty quick.   
After a few moments that felt like years I finally stumbled home.

Even after lying in the safety of my bed again, my breathing was frantic and uneven, like I couldn’t seem to calm myself. 

 

\---

 

After tossing and turning around wrapped tightly in my blankets trying to fall asleep for an hour I finally sighed in defeat and called it a lost cause. Since I didn't seem to be getting any sleep soon I might as well mentally splay the things that happened in the last couple of days out before me and try to get them in order.   
I could sure as heck still not believe how my life went from fucking boring to a dangerous mess in the mere blink of an eye. Well, not particularly dangerous for me, but anyway. I wriggled a little on the mattress and curled tighter into the depths of my blanket. It was fucking freezing in my room. A glance to the neon digits on the display of my alarm clock informed me that it was half past three. 

I was wide awake. 

Okay, let’s start from the beginning. So, I hadn’t even noticed Gerard Way at all before saving his ass from getting shoved into a locker. He had walked up to me afterwards and I was annoyed, pissed, making fun of him. The next day or so was the pudding incident. Then he had been gone. Gone for five days. Five days which had admittedly caused me to worry over some kid I barely knew.   
Ah yes, and I had gathered information about him from Alicia. So he transferred at the beginning of this term. Which school had he attended before? Also, he was seemingly a loner. Why Derek and his companions chose him for their stupid games I didn’t know. I didn’t know because I didn’t care. 

I suddenly felt a pang of guilt gnawing at my insides. It’s fucked up how little we care about any other person apart from our friends and family. Like all the other people just don’t matter.

But then Gerard had showed up at school again. With his formerly long, jet black hair cut short and bleached blonde. Seemingly out of the blue. My Mom once said, after my father left us, that changing one’s haircut in such a drastic manner always was a hint on some major changing going on inside that person. 

I sighed and opened my eyes wide against the darkness of my room; so wide I could see tiny grey dots dancing in my peripheric vision. 

The more I thought about it, the weirder Gerard appeared to me. One moment he was all bitchy and the next he was nice and playful and then – oh God! I cringed as the memory hit the back of my mind. I had really tried to block out that kiss in the fucking art supplies closet.   
Why the motherfucking fuck did he do that? He had said something about bullying and making my job easier, but I fucking s a v e d him from the actual bullies, so how on earth could he get the idea I would just end up bullying him as well? Where would the logic be with that, huh?  
Well, maybe there was more to it then and I just couldn’t see it yet. 

Oh and then there was that thing with Shane at the liquor store. How was Gerard connected to Shane? And why did he need money so desperately he had to do, like…things to get it?  
He, fuck, he was still underage. A minor.   
I felt sick as I let it all sink in. I mean I know the world is not all unicorns and fucking rainbows and I am aware that our lovely shithole of a high school isn’t exactly one of Jersey’s best but all the things I had just mentally wrote down would make a frighteningly realistic script for some really fucked up movie.   
I can’t deny that at some point I was wondering if this was really happening or if I was going nuts.   
But then again, I’m a fucking reasonable person, so going crazy wasn’t it.

I turned to face the wall. 

Gerard had at first been so defensive in my presence but when he was here earlier that night we just got along so great. I really wondered if that was his real face or just another masquerade.   
Whatever it was it had me wondering about all the awesome things we could do together and how the fuck he had no friends when he actually was such an amazing dude. Just listening to him rambling on about Batman while gesturing wildly made me smile; I had rarely seen someone so passionate about things. But the worst part of all this shit was his father. Not only that he had slapped him, but also those degrading, filthy things he had said to him.  
To his own son.   
What bag of shit would treat their son like that? By now I was pretty sure the bruise and the busted lip were his work as well. 

I grunted out in exasperation and rubbed my hands over my stinging eyes. All I did was just build up claims and theses. Heck, I didn’t even know if half of this was true!  
And even though, I couldn’t just stand there, pretending to do nothing. I was already farther involved than I would have thought.

And, as stupid as it was, I somehow felt the need to save Gerard. Save him from that shit he’s going through.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke the next morning with a pounding headache and a growing anxiety about Gerard. After how furious his father had been the previous night I wasn’t sure in what condition he would appear at school today.  
Trying to speed up my morning routine and still feeling a little nauseous I decided to skip my breakfast.

I peeked through my Mom’s bedroom door just to find her fast asleep. Probably she had to work overtime last night. I wrote her a note, put on my converse and jacket, grabbed my bag and headed outside. I was surprised to see it snowing that heavily; maybe a couple inches of the thick white powder were covering the streets already. What day was it again? Ah yes, Wednesday, some day in December; a 95% chance it was the 3rd. 

“Hey dude, wait up!” someone suddenly called behind me. I turned around and smiled at the familiar voice, walking slower to allow Bob to catch up with me. 

“You look fucking frozen to the bone, man”, I stated, smirking. 

“Imagine dickhead; I actually am”, Bob replied, rubbing his hands together in order to warm them up. He failed. 

“At least now I know what to get you for Christmas, Bob – the fucking warmest, fluffiest mittens I can make my Grandma knit”

“I dare you motherfucker, I double dare you”, Bob scowled, mumbling into his scarf. “By the way, you feelin’ any better, man?

“Uh, what?” I blinked at him, caught off guard. 

“You said you were sick yesterday, dude, you missed out on an awesome Halo session! I totally kicked Bert’s ass!”

“Hmm, I thought you were playing Uncharted”, I muttered absent-mindedly.

“Uh, no it was Halo. You’re the only one of us who owns Uncharted – dude, are you even listening?” he side-glanced at me skeptically. 

“What – oh sorry, I was just thinking of something, uhm, look there’s Bert”, I pointed at Bert who was standing near the school entrance together with Carrie and Andrew. Apparently Andrew was Carrie’s new boyfriend. Whatever, he was pretty cool. He was actually shy as fuck but he had that bad boy attitude going on as well as some tats (not as many as me though) so Carrie was head over heels for him. I sighed. It would be kinda nice to have such feelings for someone else again, but no girl I met recently had really caught my attention. 

“Frank, come over, motherfucker!” Bert threw himself at me and almost tackled my ass to the snowy ground in the process. 

“What the-“, I chuckled but he shushed me, pressing a finger against my lips. 

“Be still, my love, for I am willing to forgive you your devious act of treason of last night if you swear to make sweet, hot love to my body until we both see stars”, he sing-sanged, batting his eyelashes at me.  
I gaped at him in a mixture of shock and amusement. 

“On what kind of drugs are you, if I may ask?”

“I’ll have what he’s having”, Bob said nonchalantly, walking past us. 

“Good God Bert; that was really fucking ridiculous”, Carrie giggled. 

“And you should have seen your face Frankie, like you had a fucking stroke right there”, Bert howled. Ha, I could play that game. 

“Oh baby, sorry to disappoint, but you’re not my type anyway”, I winked at him, cocking my hips. 

“Jeez, Frank, what the fuck is going on, have I missed something?” Alicia’s voice suddenly piped up from behind me. “And baby, that was both cheesy but fucking hot at the same time, just make sure you don’t cock your hips like that walking the streets at night or you might be mistaken for a hooker, sweetie”, she teased and ruffled my hair while the others just laughed harder.

“God, I hate you all”, I sighed, flipping them off with a grin on my lips. It was fucking awesome to have friends like that, even when they were silly up-to-no-goods who only make fun of you. 

“Let’s go inside, bitches!”

\---

 

I thanked God that we only had two classes before lunch break – where I hoped to catch up with Gerard and see if he was alright. I felt like I was sitting on needles the whole time and apparently I wasn’t skilled at all at hiding it because at some point Bert leaned over to me and asked if I was alright. I just played the ‘dude, I’m not feeling so well’-card and thankfully that seemed to satisfy him. When the bell finally rang I sprang to my feet like I was electrocuted, almost immediately heading for the lunch hall.  
We sat at our usual table; Bert, Bob, Alicia, Carrie, Andrew and me. They were talking, laughing; but I wasn’t really participating at any of their conversations. 

I was scanning the room for Gerard and my anxiety grew the longer I was unable to spot him.  
Oh God, please don’t let his Dad have killed him; please!

I sighed in relief as I finally caught a glimpse of him, walking over with his tray to an empty desk near the counter. I wasted no time in standing up and rushing over to him. 

“Hey Gerard”, I smiled at him cautiously. He cut off a piece of his pork before looking up at me.  
I tried not to gasp.  
The bruise under his left eye seemed as if it had been freshened up, it stood out dark and purple and ugly against his pale skin albeit he had obviously tried to cover it up with makeup. 

He noticed my worried glance. “It’s not as bad as it looks”, he uttered, voice throaty, offering me a lopsided smile. I frowned at him.

“You should tell someone about this, Gerard.”

“I told you.” He retorted, taking a bite.

“No, you didn’t. I found out by accident.” He glared at me. “But I mean it, Gerard, your Dad is abusing you; you should tell the authorities!”

“It just got out of hand; usually he isn’t that way”, Gerard whispered defiantly. 

I couldn’t help getting upset and raising my voice a little. “This is n o t something that just got out of hand, Gerard, you were the receiving end of a serious beating! Don’t play it cool, I’m really worried about you!” 

He laughed softly. “You don’t need to be. I said I don’t want you to get involved. It’s no use.” He then turned back to his meal and continued to eat in silence.  
Okay, he was a tough nut to crack obviously, so I had to take a different approach if I wanted to get to him. I had to show him that he could trust in me first.  
Because what Gerard obviously seemed to need was someone he could rely on and I was more than happy to oblige. 

“What are you doing tonight?” I finally said, getting his attention again and, ha, catching him off-guard. 

“What- uhm, Frank, I think your friends want you back”, he glanced nervously over to our table. “Besides, I really doubt you want to be seen with the school’s weird fag”, he drew fake exclamation marks into the air with his fingers, rolling his eyes. 

“Seems too late for that, fucker, doesn’t it?” I winked. “So, what about tonight, wanna hang out?”

He eyed me guiltily before answering.  
“I’m sorry; I’ve got – uhm – things to do this evening – maybe tomorrow?” He looked so nervous all of a sudden it got me suspicious. Something was clearly off. I am really not the manipulative sort but I was kinda alerted and I wanted to know what was going so I frowned and pouted at him.

“Aw no man, that sucks! You gotta work?”

“Work, uhm, no, act- uhm actually yeah, that’s right. I, ah, you know, really need money for a new X-Box and I got a job this afternoon” he said, shifting uneasily. 

“Oh really?” I asked, watching every expression on his face. “That’s great man, where?”

Gerard avoided looking at me, continuing to munch on a piece of pork as he mumbled “a corner store…”

That was when it hit me.  
It hit me so hard like a shit ton of bricks. He was talking about a corner store.  
T h e corner store.

 

Shane’s corner store. 

 

\---

 

When I returned to my table everyone (except Carrie and Andrew, who were making out), was looking at me surprised. 

“Frankie, we didn’t know you were friends with the weirdo”, Bert said. 

“Yeah”, I replied, slumping down on my chair. “We kinda coincidentally hung out yesterday and it seems he is a pretty cool guy. He has a passion for comic books and writing.” I bit my lip to stop me from smiling like a retard.  
Not cool, Frank, not cool. 

“Yeah? Whatever, then bring him to Becky’s party on Friday”, Bob suggested. 

“I don’t know if that’s such a great idea… But otherwise, he could maybe really need the distraction. He’s having troubles with his parents lately”, I muttered, staring at Alicia’s chocolate brownie. 

“I know, I’ve seen the black eye”, Alicia replied softly as soon as everyone else turned back to their previous conversation. “I really think he could do with a friend Frank, and if he’s cool like you claim him to be then he should hang out with us some time.” 

I turned to beam at her. She was an angel. Hell, all my friends were really great, no point in denying that, but I wanted to get closer to him first before introducing him to the gang.  
I had no idea why I was so possessive of him. Was I afraid he would befriend my friends and no longer depend on me? Wow, Frank, 100 points for being the asshole of the day!

Fuck you, idiot, Gerard Way isn’t your own twisted hardship case; he doesn’t even depend on you!

Goddamn! 

\---

 

I didn’t get the chance to catch up with him again however. To add to that misfortune, that day was also PE class until fucking seven pm.  
I not only hated PE. I despised it with every fiber of my being.  
It wasn’t enough that I sucked at every team sport you could possibly think of; I also sucked at every other. The only thing I was good at was swimming, and we hardly ever did that.

After changing into warmer sweatpants and sneakers, out teacher(like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, and I’m not even kidding you), forced us to run 20 laps around the field. At the fourth lap my breath was already erratic and uneven so I forced out some nasty sounding coughing and ran over the snowy field back to the changing rooms. 

That was when I spotted Gerard, sneaking out of the school’s front door, pulling his hood over his face to avoid being recognized and running over the parking lot. 

My pulse was still racing from all the running and adrenaline was rushing through my veins so I didn’t think much, rather stepped into action and followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rating went up because of the next chapter which I probably won't be posting before Monday evening, bc I have my final exam on Monday *crosses fingers*


	7. Chapter 7

I cursed myself under my breath. Now I had become the ultimate creep. I should go home, I should really go home, GO HOME FRANK; it’s none of your concern why Gerard had to run exactly where you expected him to; it’s not up to you to prevent him from doing exactly what you fear he’s going to; and last and most important of all, he is not yours to save.

I swallowed dry a few times before ducking behind a tree. I was sweating and shivering, my hair was sticking to my forehead and my heartbeat was racing.  
The very moment Gerard was about to enter the store everything seemed to slow down around me. Despite my brain screaming at me to get the fuck away, my body seemed to move on its own and before I had really realized it; I had slipped into the shop. 

I looked around feverishly. Gerard hadn’t noticed me; he was standing at the cashier counter.

Shane was nowhere to be seen. 

I ducked into a corner and prayed they wouldn’t notice me between all the shelves of liquor.  
They didn’t.

I was still trying to recollect my breathing as quiet as possible when a voice broke the silence. 

“Hey Gee! See, I told you, you would be crawling back in no time!” Shane uttered cheerfully. It already had me sick to the stomach and it hadn’t even really begun. 

Gerard remained silent but from what I could see, he managed to hold Shane’s gaze. 

“Sweet Jesus, tell your Dad to stop fucking up your pretty face, will you? It’s your only asset!” Shane gasped out in false concern. Gerard still didn’t say a word.  
“Not very talkative today, eh? Well then, let’s get down to business, I guess. How much do you need?”

“300”, Gerard responded, desperately trying to keep his voice strong. 

“That’s a lot of money”, Shane noted thoughtfully; casually strolling over to the shop’s front door, closing it and putting on the ‘be back in 15 minutes’ sign.  
He had locked us in. My guts freaked out a little right there. 

Gerard took a deep breath, squeezed his eyes shut, dropped his bag to the floor and sunk down to his knees. 

My heart was beating so fast now it seemed to burst any moment. I was paralyzed, frozen to the spot, not even able to adjust to another crouching position even though my legs started to sting.  
Gerard and Shane however, were still oblivious to my presence.

“Gee, even though I love seeing you in this position, I already told you, for that amount of money you gotta give me more.”

Fear flashed over Gerard’s eyes as he tried to back away, but Shane recklessly fisted a hand into his short, blonde hair and yanked him to his feet. Gerard hissed in pain, his eyes still wide.

“Bend over”, Shane commanded, “my break’s only fifteen minutes, so we gotta rush our little rendezvous here” His face twisted into a manic grin. When Gerard didn’t react Shane slammed his torso onto the counter so he had to bend over. Tears started to well up in his eyes as he started to plead.

“Please”, he croaked out, “Please, I did- I’ve never-“, his voice was shaking now.  
I couldn’t take it anymore; I felt my own tears streaming down my cheeks as I buried my face in my hands. I felt like throwing up anytime. I couldn’t even bear looking anymore; but hearing the ordeal was almost worse. 

I could hear it all; the tearing of clothes; a heart wrecking scream that turned into loud sobs as Shane slammed into Gerard again and again. Even though I wasn’t the one violated it was like I could feel his pain. I clawed at my chest and gagged, tears blurring my vision. The sounds were terrifying.  
Gerard’s frantic sobs, his screams and the feral grunts that son of a whore who was assaulting him was making. 

After what seemed an eternity it finally stopped. Gerard was still lying bent over the counter, crying softly, shivering as Shane buckled his belt and retreated to the small chamber behind the curtain. He returned soon after, dropping a little pack of cash beside him.

“Stop crying like a girl and get up, you look like a whore spread out like that!” he spat, as if he were the one to be disgusted. “There you have your money, now get dressed and get the fuck out, you bleed all over the place”

Gerard quickly stood up, bit back a groan and pulled his pants back up. He grabbed the money and his bag and hissed at the first step he took. He bit his lip hard to suppress the pain and limped out of the store as fast as he could. 

“Oh, Gee? Tell my lovely sister to stop drinking”, Shane called after Gerard, who froze for a second. “And tell her that her son has been a fucking good lay”, he chuckled. Gerard didn’t turn around; he burst the door open and vanished.  
I sat there between the racks, trembling madly for a few moments but as soon as I could hear Shane retreating into the chamber I stumbled out of the shop, dropped to my knees on the sidewalk and threw up until my stomach was empty and I was lying on the snowing pavement; a shivering, crying mess. 

 

\---

 

After a while I had emptied the contents of my stomach onto the snowy sidewalk and the knees of my sweatpants were soaking wet. I was still breathing hard and hoping to God that no one I knew was walking past this moment.  
I must have looked like an alcoholic. A junkie. Or worse. 

I tried to get up but my knees were wobbly, so I had to grab the brick wall beside me for support. With shaking hands I tried to brush away the dark brown strands of hair that had fallen into my face. A light grip on my shoulder caused me to flinch like I had been zapped. 

“You okay there, buddy?” a voice behind me asked. I turned around, nodding feverishly at the man who was now frowning at me doubtfully.  
“Well you don’t look like it. Are you on drugs?”  
I stared at him in bewilderment before violently shaking my head no. 

“Well dude, you look awful, can I at least get you home? My car is right over there”, he pointed at one of the most beautiful cars I’ve ever seen. Inside I smiled bitterly; if that guy kidnapped me, at least the authorities would easily have found his car. I bet there are not a lot of people in Jersey with blood red 1972’ Chevys. It was all just so ridiculous. The thoughts were spinning in my head again, I felt like I was probably going to black out any moment. 

I took a few staggering steps; mumbling “Thank you Sir, but I’ll be alright”, before my knees gave in, collided with the sidewalk and I was throwing up again. My vision went all blurry and fuzzy; shiny dots began to dance before my eyes so I closed them.  
I could hear the man mutter something that sounded like “No way I’m gonna leave you lying on the streets, there are fuckin' sick people out there, sick people I tell you”, before he hauled me back onto my feet and gently pushed me into his car. As soon as he fastened the seatbelt over my waist however, my eyes shot open again and panic began to tighten my throat. He noticed my terrified stare and tried to calm me.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to get you home. Home to your family who is probably worried sick about you!” Strangely enough his words really soothed me and I laid back against the car seat exhaustedly. I knew this was a bad idea but in my current state I also had to admit that I wouldn’t be able to make it home even though it was just a few blocks away. I gritted my teeth as I gave the man my address. I switched up the house numbers however, so I wasn’t that far gone, see?

Throughout the drive to my home the man threw pitiful glances at me. I had decided he was no threat because at one point he had started to talk about his five year old twin daughters Mary and Shelley and how Shelley was asthmatic but was getting better to distract me. I mean who named his daughters after the author of Frankenstein simply could not be evil.  
When he pulled over on our neighbor’s curb, he turned to me; face frowned in concern.

“Okay buddy, I know you won’t tell me and you don’t have to; but if you are in any trouble, if you need any help-“, he paused before handing me a small business card.  
“call this number.” I stared at the card in my trembling hands. It was a collection of numbers for drug and alcohol addiction support, domestic violence, underage pregnancy and rape. 

_Rape._

The word burned itself into my retinas. 

 

“I-I, thank you, Sir!” I stammered, unfastened my seatbelt and rushed out of the car without looking back. 

I was still staring at the card in my hands when the red Chevrolet had long drove away.  
The street was void of people; the only noise that could be heard was the barking of a dog somewhere and the faint sound of a car alarm probably a few blocks away. 

I took a deep breath, fumbling for my keys before I bit down on my bottom lip sharply to suppress a cry of frustration at the realization that I still fucking had my keys and all my other stuff in my locker at school! Goddammit! Bob and Bert were probably pretty worried and I had no chance of reaching them because my godforsaken phone was in the locker as well. Fuck it! Just fuck my life!

At least my Mom was still at home. I knew how I must have looked so the shocked expression on my mother’s face didn’t startle me that much. 

I just wanted to shower and then curl into my bed and hide away from the world. 

“Where have you been, Frankie?” my Mom asked softly as I walked past her directly into the bathroom. I didn’t answer.  
She raised her voice. 

“Frank, I asked you something! Where is your school bag? Why are you in your training clothes? And who the hell was the man that dropped you off? FRANK!”

I sighed. I just wanted to block everything out; I just couldn’t take her questions right now. I knew I was making everything worse but I didn’t care so I just slammed the bathroom door shut and turned the lock. 

I quickly wriggled out of my drenched clothes, not even bothering to put them in the laundry basket. Stepping under the hot shower I felt life rushing back into my veins as the hot water poured down my shoulders and dripped off my hair. I didn’t know how long it took for me to slide down the tiles until I was crouched on the shower floor; water still running down on me like unforgiving rain, mixing with the salty tears that were streaming down my cheeks again. 

I was glad for the loud rush of water but I shoved my fist into my mouth anyway, to muffle my desperate sobs.  
I didn’t want to worry my Mom any further than I had already done.


	8. Chapter 8

An impatient knock on the bathroom door snapped me back to reality. 

“Frank? Please come out, I’m starting to get worried, you’re acting strange!” my Mom called, sounding irritated. I sighed, stood back up and turned the shower head off, grabbed the nearest towel and stepped out of the cubicle. I rubbed my hair dry halfheartedly; not bothering at all with attempts of styling it like I usually did. 

I sighed again as I unlocked the door and promptly bumped into my mother who had obviously stood guard in front of the bathroom. 

“I thought you were going to drown yourself”, she grumbled. I gave her a weak smile.  
“What’s the matter, Frankie?” she asked, honest concern welling up in her voice. 

“It’s nothing Mom, I’m just… I’m not feeling so well, I’m gonna go to bed. Please”, I added as I catched her unsatisfied expression. “Please, can we talk tomorrow?”  
I glanced over to the clock on the wall. “Your shift starts in half an hour.” Mom narrowed her eyes at me. 

“We’re not done yet, Frank”, she scoffed. I just let my shoulders slump down and shuffled into my room; closed the door and crawled into my bed. I felt so exhausted.  
I curled up tightly beneath the duvet and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to be deaf and blind at that moment, to stop the images from rushing back in to my mind, to stop reliving the scenes of Gerard getting violated; getting r a p e d in front of my eyes.  
By his own uncle.  
The longer I thought about it all the more urgent became my need to save Gerard. I was now determined more than ever to make sure no one would hurt him that or any other way ever again. 

I was still clutching onto my pillow like life support when I finally dozed off into a sleep full of dreams so weird you didn’t even have to be high to freak out about. 

The next morning was the first time ever I was truly grateful for my Mom’s night shifts because she was still fast asleep when I got up and therefore I could avoid any uneasy questions. I slipped on some skinny jeans and a Batman T-Shirt and threw a look at myself in the mirror. Staring back at me was a worn-out looking stranger with too pale skin and dark circles under his tired looking hazel eyes. 

“Well hello, creature of the unholy living dead”, I muttered at my mirror-self through gritted teeth before grabbing my shoes and jacket and heading out for school. 

I had thought about the whole incident a lot the night before; in fact I had spent most of the night lost in the depths of my own mind. Which meant I was no nervous wreck anymore; I was rather calm and collected because I had a plan. And the first phase of that plan was to cover up for Gerard at school because I would have bet half my ass he wouldn’t show up. Phase two was to grab my shit that was still in my locker and phase three consisted of heading back to Gerard’s place and make sure he’s at least relatively okay.  
Phase four was to kill Shane. But we’ll come to that. 

Although I practically sprinted the whole way to school I was running about 10 minutes late; but I was glad I did because that way I didn’t have to explain myself to any of my friends. I had already decided not to tell a soul about what I had witnessed the day before; except maybe (but unlikely), Alicia.  
I was going to lock it away for Gerard’s sake. 

Before I left the house I made sure the business card that man gave me yesterday was securely tucked into my back pocket. A quick glance through the small doorwindow of Alicia’s class confirmed what I had expected – Gerard’s seat was empty. Wasting no time, I rushed over to my locker, shoved my discarded clothes into my bag, grabbed my keys and phone and exited the school building through the back door, hoping no one had seen me. 

By the time I jogged the way up to the area Gerard lived in it started to snow lightly. Snowflakes were catching in strands of my hair; Christmas music was already sounding out of every store or boutique I passed and the decorations and lights were illuminating the otherwise grey morning sky.  
It would have been beautiful any other day, but that day it only seemed unreal and grotesque to me. 

I was out of breath when I finally reached Gerard’s home. Before making my way up to his front porch I flipped my phone open.  
15 missed calls.  
6 text messages.  
Oh shit. 

 

\---

 

I inhaled deeply and held my breath for a second or two, before exhaling slowly. I knew I had to be extremely careful now; I had to act like nothing happened, because Gerard didn’t know. He didn’t know I witnessed it all, crouching among the shelves, too much of a coward to do something. He had of course no fucking idea how it was to be squished between the racks, witnessing every filthy, horrible detail of the whole scene. Oh fuck, that would be harder than I thought. I buried my head in my hands before glancing at my phone. It was barely 11 am. I breathed deep once more and stepped forward to press the doorbell.  
Nothing.  
I pressed again, but there was still no movement of any sort to be heard from inside the house. 

When I pressed the fucking doorbell for the fifth fucking time, I could hear the faint sound of feet being dragged over the wooden floor before Gerard finally opened the door. 

I had to gasp in shock.

At first his gaze was downcast and he just stood there in the doorway, shivering slightly. But when he lifted up his eyes, his motherfucking hazel eyes, it felt like my beating heart was being ripped out of my chest. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, but furthermore they looked empty, broken.  
It took him a few seconds to recognize me, but when he did he tried to force his lips into a smile, but it wouldn’t fool anyone. 

“Hey”, he uttered in a croaked voice, before clearing his throat. “I didn’t expect you!”

I acted automatically, taking a few steps forward, ushering him back into his house, dropping my bag and taking his face between my hands.  
Hell knows what went through my mind that goddamn moment when I shuffled closer and planted a soft, chaste kiss on his lips.

Heaven help me. 

 

\---

 

The very moment I realized what I just fucking did, I broke off and stumbled backwards. Blushing madly, I stammered incoherent bullshit, probably something that went into the direction of “Fuck man, I’m sorry, I’m so goddamn sorry I don’t-I-fuck I don’t know where that came from, I’m not-oh shit…”  
I wanted the ground to split up and devour me whole like I deserved it, oh fucking fuck!  
Gerard blinked at me once, twice, before he actually burst out laughing. It was a croaky, cut off sound at first but soon his laughter was pearling off the walls as he was clutching his stomach.  
I still stood there; face red like a fucking fire truck, my current mood swinging between embarrassment, anger and relief. Yeah, I actually was relieved that he laughed at me, because, because…  
Well, you know why. 

“You can stop laughing your balls off now, fucker!” I muttered under my breath.  
Did that little shit just wipe a tear off the corner of his eye? Fuck you, Gerard Way!

But that tiny smile he shot me before he ushered me into the kitchen sent bubbles straight into my guts, fucking bubbles. I felt really bad feeling like that; all over a boy that had been through so much shit the past days and the last thing he probably needed was another creep in his life, but…  
I’m no saint, I’m only human. And above that, even though I’m ashamed to admit, I’m a horny teenager. So yeah, ashes on my head but I couldn’t help noticing the creamy skin of his throat or how his Adam’s apple bobbed with every gulp of water he took or the way he absent-mindedly ruffled his hair as if he’d still expect the long back strands and not the short blonde ones.  
I still felt bad, I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was taking advantage of him just by thinking that way.

“So”, Gerard began after a while, leaning back onto the kitchen island. “How come you ditching school? Isn’t the chem project due today?”  
I watched him quietly for a few seconds. It was scary how well he could hide it all. If I hadn’t known, I probably would have never guessed it. But then again, he had to. Maybe this was his process of coping without going nuts – just block it all out. I would probably have reacted the same way. 

“Dunno, guess I just wasn’t feeling it today”, I grinned at him sheepishly. “And the guys were all boring and wanted to stay so I thought I’d see what you were up to since you didn’t show as well.”  
I flat out lied while cautiously sitting down at the kitchen table. I was feeling uneasy myself at the fact that I hadn’t even spoken to the guys since my curious disappearance from yesterday’s fucking PE class. I shifted a little in my seat.

Gerard eyed the chair before him suspiciously before slowly lowering himself onto it. I felt a sting flashing through my gut as I noticed him wincing in pain as he sat down. 

 

I had to bite back a growl of frustration.  
Shane was going to pay for this.

Oh yeah, I would rip his fucking dick off.

 

\---

 

After a while of awkward small talk in the beginning, Gerard and I got back into conversation again pretty fast. It was amazing how he totally shared my nerdy interests concerning music and comic books and movies. And thankfully we both agreed on V For Vendetta and Sin City being amongst the most awesome, yet controversial comic book movie adaptions ever made. We talked until noon, when my stomach all of a sudden decided that it’d like to participate in the conversation by making positively the loudest, most embarrassing growling noise. 

“I deem you’re hungry”, Gerard smirked at me. 

“No shit, Sherlock”, I flipped him off. “I’m the guest, so get me something to eat!”

Gerard looked at me kinda abashed before he shot me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry Frank, but I’m afraid I can’t offer you anything decent to eat. My Dad’s always at work and my Mom – well let’s just say she’s more into liquids.” He turned his gaze away. I knew what he was referring to.  
Alcoholism was sadly enough no uncommon thing in the U.S. 

“I understand. My uncle Eddie is the most awesome guy you’d know; but when he’s drunk he totally changes and gets all aggressive and shit. It really sucks.”

Gerard only nodded at me, but I could read the expression in his eyes and it told me I fucking scored. I had opened up to him a little, I had displayed that I trusted him, so maybe he’d trust me…  
Well, Frank, don’t press your luck. 

“We can however”, Gerard suddenly flashed me a stupid, wide and totally adorable grin, “order something. Chinese maybe? Or curry?”

“Ugh, I think I’ll go with the curry”, I replied, winking at him. I was confused, completely and utterly confused; I just couldn’t get Gerard. He was obviously damaged goods in more than one way but even though he managed to be sweet and silly – how he did that I could only imagine. The only thing I knew was that that made me respect him even more, because God knows if all that had happened to me, hell would break loose. 

Gerard shuffled out of the kitchen to fetch the phone and I was able to take a proper look for the first time. I don’t know why, but knowing that his parents were neglecting him I kinda expected some fucked up, dirty home; but the kitchen alone looked neat and clean. Totally tells you to sweep over preconceptions. Weirdly enough it almost resembled some suburban dream home. 

“So, since you didn’t choose to clarify your desires, I took the freedom of ordering something I daresay you will find to your full enjoyment”, he chirped, re-entering the kitchen. I had to look away when he cautiously sat down again. 

“The fuck you’re talking about, are you channeling fucking Shakespeare or what?” I tried to joke, but it came out stale and bitter. Gerard offered me a smile nonetheless. Silence wrapped around us and he shot worried glances at me, like he feared I could somehow tell what happened to him. I tried with reassuring smiles but he just frowned. When the doorbell finally rang I almost threw my hands in the air out of sheer relief. He inhaled sharply and grabbed the kitchen counter for support to lift himself off the chair. He must have been in immense pain from the assault.  
The emotional hurricane raging inside my guts was driving me insane: I desperately wanted to take Gerard into my arms to soothe the pain away and smash Shane’s skull at the same time. It was exasperating to say the least. 

A few moments later he returned with our steaming meals; handing me mine and examining his. 

“Damn, I ordered Basmati rice and they forgot it! Motherfuckers always mess up the orders, dunno why I still order with them”, Gerard cursed but began to eat his meal anyway. 

“The house is nice”, I noted after a while. 

“Yeah”, Gerard uttered bitterly. “My mother likes to keep up appearances. Look Frank, my family is as far away from a fairytale family as humanly possible. You’ve met my Dad already, so you know he’s a homophobic jerk.”  
While he spoke I stayed quiet but continued to munch on my food out of fear he would stop opening up if I stopped eating. 

“You know, ever since he found out that I not only like girls he kind of lost any feelings he had for me up to then. I mean I’ll be honest right here, he was never Dad of the fucking year neither for Mikey nor me but after he found out about me it got a billion times worse. You’d have no idea how disappointed he was; what a disgrace I was to him – I think he humiliates me whenever he can in the hope it’ll somehow magically change me. It’s like-like”, he threw his hands in the air exasperatedly. 

I waited patiently for him to continue while proceeding to mix the curry with the rice on my plate. He gasped for air and gestured wildly as if to emphasize what he was trying to say. 

“I just- I guess that my Dad somehow thinks if he’ll humiliate me enough I’ll someday wake up and simply be ‘normal’ again, who knows”, he trailed off, picking at his food disgustedly before harshly shoving the plate away so it slid over the counter and crashed into the tiled wall. I could practically feel the air tense between us. The shallow, light headed talk from before was gone.  
After a while he grabbed his plate again and we ate up in silence. 

 

“Maybe I should go now”, I tried, not looking at Gerard, who whirled around in an instant and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt, choking out “No!”  
I stared at him, then at his hand fisted in my shirt, then back up to him. His eyes went wide and he loosened his grip instantly, mumbling apologies.  
I scratched the back of my head nervously.

“Okay, okay, if you enjoy my company that much I’ll stay for a while”, I chuckled, grinning at him. He smiled; easing up a little. “Let’s go downstairs then?”

 

Although I was surprised it was located in the basement, Gerard’s room was kinda like I had expected it; the walls full of Smashing Pumpkins, Iron Maiden and The Misfits posters; the floor littered with stacks of comics and half-finished, discarded sketches of various superheroes. He sat down on his bed, quietly watching me browsing his room before he suddenly spoke up. 

“Why are you here?” The question totally caught me off guard and he noticed it, his gaze piercing right through me. 

“Uhm, what?” I asked sheepishly. Gerard tilted his head a little and scrunched up his nose. 

“You know, I just can’t quite figure you out. Why are you here? Why risk a pretty good reputation at school for hanging with the weirdest loner of all? Why ditch your precious friends in favor of spending time with a faggot?” he asked in an almost curious tone. I sat down on the bed beside him, shifting uneasily. 

“Are you really starting this shit again? I don’t get what your point is, I really don’t”, I responded defensively. “I just thought you were a nice guy! It was cool hanging out, you know. Fuck this shit, do I really need to defend myself now?”

Gerard watched me closely for a second before the corners of his mouth twisted up in a cold, mocking smile. 

“I think there is more to it than that”, he purred, voice low. “I think you’re pitying me.” He shifted closer. “Look at the poor lonely kid, got no friends, gets shoved around by the jocks and his Daddy is so n a s t y to him.” His voice was barely above a whisper by now. I gaped at him wide eyed; trying to get a fucking clue out of the whole scene.  
I was unsuccessful.  
I didn’t notice when exactly Gerard had slipped onto my lap, but now he was sitting there, clutching his fists into my favorite Batman T-Shirt and fixating his hazel irises on me.  
The next moment his lips were against mine, soft and teasing. 

I must have sat there like the world’s biggest idiot; my body useless and unable to react. When he was becoming more demanding, licking along my bottom lip I opened my mouth to protest; but he took it as an invitation to push his tongue inside; kissing me roughly, hungrily. An embarrassingly desperate little moan escaped the back of my throat. Kissing Gerard felt amazing. He had soft, rosy lips like a girl, but then again I’ve never kissed a guy before so I have absolutely no idea if they have soft lips or not.  
Gerard did, however. But I was still so overwhelmed with the whole situation that I couldn’t get my body to do more than just kissing back. I actually started to panic a little as his hands went lower until they fumbled with the waistband of my pants. Finally developing the strength to break the kiss I panted out “Don’t…” - it was almost ridiculous how needy I sounded. Oh God, I was so gonna regret this.

Gerard stared at me in earnest; eyes wide, cheeks flushed, pupils blown. 

“Please, let me”, he whispered. I wasn’t holding him back. I couldn’t. I gasped a little as his hands went past the waistband of my jeans and underwear and I could feel his cold fingers against my hot skin. The whole time he had his eyes fixed on me, like he was drinking in every expression I made.  
I choked on my breath as he grasped me and a shiver went through my whole body. I held onto his gaze like it was my life support as he turned me into a panting, gasping mess with short, hasty strokes. He was panting himself; short hair sticking to his forehead. With his wet, parted lips he was a weird image of obscenity and innocence at the same time.  
“Frankie” he whispered, like my name was a secret; and that’s when I was done. Yeah I know how fucking stupid that sounds, but I would never have believed that it was possible to lay so many emotions into merely saying someone’s name.  
With a bit back moan I came all over his hands and my stomach and I just.wanted.to.die.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to calm my breathing down again when I felt Gerard shifting and suddenly his weight on my lap was gone. I re-opened my eyes to him planting a small, chaste kiss on my lips. 

“Thank you”, he whispered so earnestly it almost hurt. 

“What for?” I muttered, looking at him in bewilderment. He didn’t answer. An impulse to just get up and run away before the situation could get any more awkward flashed through me so I quickly pulled my pants back up (God, I also really needed a shower) and grabbed my stuff.  
Gerard sat on the bed, still not looking at me. 

“I’m sorry”, he suddenly said. I just wanted to go home, I felt like I would be doing something really stupid out of sheer confusion if I didn’t get out as soon as possible. 

“You don’t have to be, it was just, I’m just-I-I have to go now, see you at school” With that and a crimson colored face I practically fled the scene without even looking back once or waiting for him to answer.  
Fucking shit, why was everything just so fucked up? I crashed my fist into the sidewindow of a phonebooth I passed on my way home, gritting my teeth in satisfaction as I head the plastic creak. 

What was that? JUST WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Was it me getting jacked off by another guy? Was it me actually enjoying it? Fuck it, I’m not gay.  
I shivered a little.

 

I am not fucking gay.  
I am not.  
I am not.

 

Shit.


	9. Chapter 9

On mid-way back home I realized that I had absolutely and positively no fucking clue where to go. Going back home was not an option since I was pretty certain my Mom was still sleeping – and heading back to school? Nope, no chance. I sighed, fumbling around in my backpocket for any cash; sighing again when I didn’t find any.  
What a shitty day. 

‘It wasn’t that much of a shitty day however though, was it, Frankie? At least you got some action again, even if it was from a guy, right?’ – It was like all my doubts, bad thoughts and insecurities molded together into a raspy sounding, nasty little voice that was currently plaguing my mind. ‘Which means you are probably a fag. Yep, Frankie, face it! Oh my, what will Mommy say when she finds out her own son is a queer? Will it break her little heart like it did when Daddy left?’

Fuck you! I clutched my hands into my hair, shaking my head and walking faster. What am I thinking? I am not gay. I have never felt anything like that for guys.  
I could hear the snow crunching beneath the soles of my shoes as I practically stomped right into the nearest alley. Fuck this shit! This was all so ridiculous! I should have never helped Gerard in the first place. I should have let those bullies have their way with him! Yeah, fuck it! This shit was slowly tearing my life apart! I mean, for real; a few days ago my only concern was failing my biology class again and not having gotten laid in a long time and now – now there was this guy, this fucking, kinda really hot piece of shit with his interest in comic books and rock bands and ridiculously long lashes and abusive parents and f u c k h i m!  
No, actually fuck me. I couldn’t just back off like a pussy. It was not his fault I had the hots for him. Denying it wouldn’t get me anywhere. I gulped. As bad as that thought made me feel – why couldn’t Gerard simply be a girl? Everything would be so much easier then. 

“Hey, you got a light?” a voice on my right startled me out of my thoughts. My head jerked into the direction of the voice and I saw a guy leaning smoothly against a brick wall; probably a few years older than me. 

“Sure”, I mumbled, handing him my lighter from the pocket of my hoodie. His face lightened up.

“Aw thanks man, I’ve been craving a smoke the whole day! Hey, I trade a light for a cig, what do you say?” he winked at me. I didn’t even bother looking at him.

“I don’t smoke”, I muttered absent-mindedly. 

 

“Well, you sure look like you could use one”, he acknowledged, shrugging as if he had just stated the obvious. I was about to turn to him and relieve my upheld anger before deciding against it and just sighing in return when I took the cigarette from his extended hand. He smiled mysteriously at me as he got closer to light it before nodding at me and walking off slowly.

I took a deep drag and sighed. Leaning against the wall myself I stared at the cigarette in my hand for a few seconds before slowly bringing it up to my mouth again and taking another drag, inhaling the smoke until I could feel it burning my throat before slowly exhaling it. I didn’t know why I was actually doing it; smoking, I mean. I flicked off the ash that gathered on the cherry and took another drag. Maybe to keep myself busy before going nuts. Maybe just to feel something. And what I actually felt that very moment was a burning sting inside my lungs. Cursing, I tossed away the still smoldering stump and stomped on it; deciding that this had just been the last fucking cigarette of my fucking life. Blergh! 

Well, that’s what you get, I hummed under my breath. Turning the insides of my hoodie pockets out (which was like an archeological excavation) I finally found a rather crumpled five dollar bill. Now if that wasn’t convenient – my fingers were already frozen to the bone, despite my beloved skeleton-half-finger-gloves and I just wanted to get my frozen ass a burger or a milkshake or some hot coffee.  
The small diner on the other side of the street would have to do.  
It was pretty empty, considering it was an early Thursday afternoon. I slumped down in the nearest booth and rubbed my icy fingers against each other. Grabbing it from the back pocket of my jeans I flipped my phone open to read the missed texts from Bert. They were a little confused at first as for why I had so abruptly left but got a lot angrier later on. I was just typing out an explanatory text for Gerard – I didn’t want to fill him in on my inner turmoil, but he had to at least know why I had left so abruptly when I realized I hadn’t even got Gerard’s phone number. He had mine; but I had obviously been too dumb to ask for his. Fuck.

Now let’s just hope he wouldn’t channel my Mom in jumping to wrong conclusions.

But life would probably be too boring for you like that, wouldn’t it, Jesus, old pal; wouldn’t it?  
I gritted my teeth making the sourest expression I owned. 

 

\---

 

Gerard took one, two, three sharp breaths as he threw himself back against the mattress. He would have never thought this would happen. He rolled to his side and curled up into a ball. Sliding his hand under the pillow he could feel the digits of his fingers brushing against the pack of money he hid there. The strange feeling in his stomach tightened. No matter how much he tried to block it all out, to avoid thinking about it; it stayed there. It remained like a mark on his skin. He felt disgusted with himself. He felt desperate. And he fucking hated himself for that.  
Had he really been so dumb not to expect something like this to happen?  
No he hadn’t. He had known exactly what Shane would do; what he would want h i m to do and he’d gone there anyway.  
So it hadn’t been rape, had it? He was no victim. He was rather a prostitute, if anything. 

Gerard chuckled bitterly into his pillow. He didn’t want his first time to be like this. In vain, he had even allowed himself to think his first time would be with Frank; if only for a moment. 

But then again, Frank was not gay, he was just confused. Gerard had that before. It was because of his looks, he thought. He looked too pretty for a guy and his last boyfriend had been drawn to him despite he was actually straight. They were together for some time before he realized that it was just an experimental phase and he left Gerard. 

With Frank it was going to be the same, Gerard thought bitterly. Frank was drawn to him; that had been obvious by the way he was writhing under Gerard’s touch earlier that day, but eventually he would realize that he was straight anyway, no matter what and would turn away. It was just like it went.

But he made Gerard feel wanted today. He made him feel good and if he was only to be used for some guy to question his sexuality, then be it so. At least then he got to feel desired once in a while, he thought, curling into himself tighter; his hands clutching at his chest. 

 

He jerked up a few hours later, hearing a sharp knock on his door. Frantically, he tried to rearrange his clothes, quickly snatched a math textbook from his bag and was about to call whoever stood outside his room in when his gaze flickered over his bed and he felt his heart drop.  
There were still come stains visible on the black sheets from earlier that day. And if his Dad saw them, it would mean more than just a black eye for Gerard; that was for sure. In his panic he did the only thing he could think of and gingerly sat down on the telltale stain; the math textbook opened in his lap. 

He hated how shaky his voice sounded as he timidly called out “Yeah?”  
The door burst open an instant later and his father entered; a displeased look on his face. His gaze wandered around Gerard’s room as if he was searching for any reason to blast his upheld aggressions onto his son. Like usual. 

“Are you studying?” he snapped. Gerard nodded, avoiding looking at his father’s face. “Fucking look me in the eye when I’m talking to you”, he barked in exchange. Gerard flinched but glanced up anyways, a defiant look on his face. 

“What are you even doing on your bed? You’re not slouching around there all day, what have I bought you a desk for? Fuckin’ use it”, his father yelled; taking a step closer. Gerard shifted around uncomfortably. If he moved now and his Dad saw the stain; hell would break loose. 

Suddenly his father grabbed him sharply by the upper arm and yanked him to his knees. “What the fuck is wrong with you, do as I say”, he hissed. “And for God’s sake, why are you so shifty today?”

Gerard whimpered as he desperately tried to cover the spot with his hands but it was too late. When it came to things that could get his son into trouble, Donald Way had kind of a sixth sense. His lips twitched slightly as he roughly shoved Gerard off his bed. The moment he spotted the stain, all the built-up rage inside him broke through. 

“What is that?” he managed to grit out in a surprisingly calm, reserved voice. But Gerard knew it was a trap. 

“Nothing”, he choked out. The first slap snapped his head to the side. Gerard brought a shaking hand up to gingerly touch his cheek. The afterglow of the slap already began to sting inexpiably. 

“Don’t you dare lying to me again”, his father growled. “Now tell me, what is this?”

“I-I”, Gerard gasped; hating how weak, how fucking terrified he sounded. His father grabbed the hem of his shirt. “You had someone here, hadn’t you?”

 

“No it was me, it was just me, I was-“, Gerard rushed to explain, but his father cut him off mercilessly. 

“I said”, he backhanded him a second time, “don’t lie to me! You filthy little faggot; you had a boy here at my house! Have you sucked him off? Have you let him fuck you in my house? In the bed I bought from my hard earned money?” he spat venomously; shaking his son now. Gerard could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. “And now you are fucking crying like a girl again, DON’T YOU DARE CRYING!” he shoved Gerard back so hard his head snapped against the wall and he had to gasp for air; his vision blackening for a second.  
The moment his father released him from his iron grip he slid down the wall. 

“You are a disgrace, a fucking pathetic disgrace”, his father repeated like a mantra, not even looking his son in the eye. Gerard curled into himself on the floor, trying to swallow down his sobs the best he could. 

“I would beat the faggotry out of you, if I could”, his Dad finally mumbled. “but you seem like a lost cause. I pray to the Lord every day that your brother won’t end up as twisted and disgusting as you.”  
The words slit Gerard’s flesh like razor blades.  
“Your precious boyfriend however”, he spat the word out like it was toxic. “I’d fucking bet my ass it’s that little shit that brought you home a few days ago. Gerard I’ll warn you; but only once. If I’ll ever see him near this house again I’ll make him regret the day he ever laid his faggy hands on you, did I make myself clear?” Gerard only sobbed in response.  
“I said, DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”  
He nodded quickly, trying to recollect himself but it was no use, he was shivering with fear all over. He had stopped a long time ago to pretend to be strong and stand up against his father. He could hear himself croak out a broken sounding ‘yes’.

“Good.” His father straightened his vest and turned on his heel. “Do your homework now. And later at dinner, you better have the money ready!” Without looking back, he stepped out into the hallway, slamming the door after him. 

 

As soon as he was gone, Gerard scrambled back onto his bed; tears still streaming down his face. He pulled out his phone with shaking hands and started browsing for Frank’s number.  
He was kind of frozen; his fingers hovering over the display of his phone; not being able to hit ‘send’. He had altered the text he was going to send Frank for about 20 times in the last forty minutes and he still had no idea how to put it. Fuck it; what he was going to say couldn’t be squished into a text message anyway. 

Gerard hopped off his bed and slipped into his favorite Misfits hoodie. He grabbed his phone and his keys from his bedstand and quickly checked his reflection in the small mirror next to his drawer. ‘stupid fucking diva’, he cursed himself in his thoughts, before huffing lightly as he ruffled his hair with one hand. He still wasn’t used to the short blonde, but he kinda liked it now.  
He liked how it defined his jawline and made him look edgier, rougher; less effeminate. 

The spot where the back of his head had hit the wall was already sore but thankfully the slap hadn’t bruised. There were still marks visible under his left eye from the last time his father got angry. Gerard quickly dipped into his top drawer and retrieved the small box of foundation he had snatched from his Mom a while ago. The makeup couldn’t hide it all, but at least he was able to cover up most of the bruises. He checked his reflection once again; wiped away the dried tears, nodded at himself and slipped downstairs. Gerard all but tiptoed stealthily down the hall; carefully trying not to startle his father, who was probably watching TV in the living room. As soon as he reached it he silently put on his converse and vanished through the front door. 

 

He stopped running a few blocks away from Frank’s home though; his breathing going ragged and leant against the wall of a shitty looking apartment complex. He flipped his phone open, texting almost instantly.

\- need 2 talk. Cn I cm over? G - 

The response popped up so fast, Gerard had to smile despite himself. 

\- sure. still kno th place? send u th location nyway w google maps. moms out. F -

Mere seconds later Gerard’s phone beeped again to announce the promised Google Maps message. He chuckled softly at his phone; how could Frank possibly think Gerard had forgotten where he lived when he only had been there a few days ago? 

A few minutes later he came to a sliding stop on the icy pavement in front of Frank’s house. He pressed the doorbell once, twice. His thoughts were racing.  
He jumped a few fucking inches when Frank abruptly opened the door.  
“Gerard, I-“, he began before looking him up and down again and twisting his expression into a concerned frown. When his eyes met Gerard’s, his gaze was worried and earnest; so earnest. 

“He hit you again”, Frank stated, matter-of-factly, despite the badly disguised anger and bitterness in his voice. Gerard froze. How could he…?  
He had made sure all the bruises were covered up before he left the house. Was his humiliation really that readable on his face? What else could Frank see? Could he read ‘whore’? Could he read ‘worthless’? Gerard swallowed dry. Could he see all the degrading things he did to get money to save his mother? Tears started to well up in his eyes again. 

Frank stepped closer, one hand stretched out as if he was about to comfort Gerard but didn’t really dare to at the same time.  
“Gee, I-I’m sorry”, he choked out. 

 

Gerard took two large steps to cross the front porch before stepping into the house, pushing Frank further into the room, backing him up against a wall and desperately pressing his lips against the smaller boy’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this chapter contains parts from Gerard's P.O.V. for the first time. :)  
> I wanted to show things through his eyes; but the main narrator of the story is Frankie so it was important for me to keep Gerard's P.O.V. 3rd person-ish. 
> 
> Hope that isn't too confusing ;)


	10. Chapter 10

He tasted like menthol cigarettes and guilt. 

 

In an instant he had me pushed up against the wall, despite his fragile figure; his lips hot on mine and his hands were everywhere. He made a desperate noise in the back of his throat when I slid my hands up to tangle in his hair. I allowed myself to get dragged away in the heat of the moment for a little longer, before my eyes abruptly snapped open and I broke the kiss. Suddenly I was hyper-aware of everything; the loud music blasting from my room, the flush on Gerard’s cheeks, the distress written all over his face, my own trembling fingers as I tried to grip him, the wall, a n y t h i n g for support. 

Without a single word he slid down against my body, dropping to his knees before me. I felt dazed; not really realizing what was going on, not until he fumbled with the buttons of my jeans; making short process of them and yanking them down my thighs. I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to wriggle away. My skin was itching everywhere, I felt like I could crawl right out. 

“Gee, I- please, don’t”, I gasped, feeling the softness of his lips against the jut of my hipbones as I fisted my hands into my own hair to bite back a growl of frustration. He just kneeled there for a moment; his hands light on my waist; his forehead pressed against my stomach, where I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

He hesitated for an eternity while I didn’t even dare to breathe. I just stood there; awkwardly leant against the wall, pants around my ankles and eyes squeezed shut tightly; my left hand gripping the sideboard of a bookshelf so hard the skin on my knuckles turned white. Suddenly his lips where there again; planting moist kisses on my exposed hipbones and sending shudders through my spine. My legs were slowly turning into jelly. The palm of my right hand was getting sweaty and slid against the wall were I was still desperately trying to hold on to keep my knees from buckling in right under my weight. I shifted and twisted around until he had a firm grip on my hips to hold me in place. 

He didn’t turn up to face me, but I could feel him breathing against my thigh as he almost shyly grabbed the waistband of my boxers. 

“Can I?” he asked, his voice no more than a whisper. I let out a strangled noise. 

“Please,”, he begged with so much intensity it almost hurt, “Please let me, let me-“ then he was placing kisses on my hips again, lowering my underwear inch by inch. “I need this Frankie, please”, he muttered over and over, like a mantra. 

I stopped my struggle; sighing deep. Was this his way of compensating? I had after all no idea how one must feel after being the victim to a sexual assault. I had no idea whether Gerard was afraid of sex now, whether he was trying to prove to himself that it could be different than t h a t; whether he somehow tried to get some kind of control back by doing what he did…

 

I just had no idea what he must have felt like.  
Desperate? Used? Tainted? 

I sucked in another deep breath as the waves of pleasure started hitting me the moment I could feel him on me; but I didn’t bear to show. I bit back every single moan as I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I sunk to my knees after the release finally hit me; not even bothering to pull my pants back up. I just sat there; staring at Gerard absent-mindedly wiping his chin through my tear-blurred vision. He was still avoiding my gaze, and right then I felt just like another sick creep exploiting him for pleasure. Except I actually hadn’t at all, since it was him who approached me; but that’s how I felt.  
I wanted to punch myself.

After a while I put my pants back on and silently wiped away my silly tears. Gerard shifted beside me and finally looked me in the eyes.  
“Thank you”, he whispered, his voice small. His cheeks went bright red and his stupidly pretty hazel eyes ridiculously wide. “Oh God, f u c k, Frank please, PLEASE don’t get a wrong impression now, I’m usually not that easy, it’s just- I’m just- I don’t; oh fuck, I just don’t know anymore”, he buried his face in his hands, sighing exasperatedly. I cleared my throat, awkwardly trying to find my voice again.

“Hey, I’m not the one to complain”, I tried to sound offhandedly; but my voice was faltering. “Hey listen, Gee. I’m trying to be a friend. If that was what you needed then I’m not gonna ask you why.” I tried to hold his gaze as strong as I could; I needed him to see that I was being serious.  
“I probably don’t even know half of the shit that’s going on in your life right now and if you won’t tell; I won’t ask. It’s as simple as that. But if you need any outlet for your aggressions, for your frustration; for whatever- I’ll be there. In any way. Whatever it is; I’ll take it. Just wanted you to know.”

Gerard stared at me, eyes widened incredulously; his still wet and rosy lips opened slightly in a tiny gasp. I cringed internally at the realization of how cheesy all the crap I just said must have sounded but I refused to falter and stood my ground even though I could already feel my ears reddening. 

 

\---

 

“What did you want to talk to me about”, I muttered after a while, noticing the sudden silence as my CD must have run out at some point. Gerard and I were still slouched on the wooden floor of my living room and my limbs started to ache. When I got no answer I cleared my throat and awkwardly got to my feet. 

“Huh, it’s five-thirty already?” I said; throwing a quick glance at the massive pendulum clock on the wall. It was my Mom’s favorite. “And it’s already dark outside, yay…” I dragged out the last syllable to underline my disgust. I liked the dark and I liked the twilight, but honestly, if it were for me, motherfucking dusk wouldn’t break before eight at least. 

 

“You hungry? I could order pizza”, I glanced sideways at Gerard who nodded eagerly. 

“Uhm yeah, that’d be great. I’m starving actually”, he flashed me one of that trademark smiles of his that made his pixie nose scrunch up a little and his whole face look so stupidly innocent and my fucking insides started dancing fucking tango. I offered him a hand to drag him to his feet before leisurely asking “Pepperoni; cheese n’ mushrooms or ham?”

“Hawaii”, Gerard chuckled, peeking up at me from under his lashes; looking like pure innocence mixed with mischief all over. 

“The fuck? That’s the one with pineapple, isn’t it? Dude, now that’s just gross”, I made a face. But the bastard actually went all poutin’ puppy dog eyes at me, you wouldn’t believe it! 

“Alright”, I growled grumpily; sighing in defeat. “But you’re picking up every single goddamn pineapple with your teeth if you must, ‘cause I’m having none of that shit!”

“You’d like that, eh?” Gerard smirked, leaning back against the kitchen counter and cocking his hip to the side. I flipped him off and quickly turned away because hell no, I didn’t want him noticing I had to swallow at the small silver of skin showing where the sassy hip-cocking had made his shirt ride up.  
Muttering incoherent bullshit I quickly called Hell Pizza to place our lame order.  
Pineapples, I mean, for real? Oh well.  
An uncomfortable silence settled in the kitchen while we waited for the delivery so I was kinda relieved when the doorbell finally rang and the delivery guy stood on the front porch. The guy looked like the absolute punk-rocker cliché: tattooed sleeves, lined eyes, spiky red-black hairstyle and nonchalantly violating a piece of gum between his teeth; smiling lopsidedly at me when I opened the door. How that guy even got a job at a pizzeria I could only wonder.  
He gave me a once-over before winking at me and I blushed; caught staring. 

“That’ll be $11.99, mate” he said cheerily, passing me the hot pizza box. I fumbled around in my back pocket until I dug up a heavily crumpled 10 dollar bill and a not really better looking five dollar bill and handed them over with and apologetic smile. 

“Keep the change!” The guy’s (Pete, if his nametag was to be believed) face genuinely lit up. 

“Thanks man, what an awesome tip! Hell, I should come deliver you pizza more often” he said before looking straight past me. I turned around, following his gaze until I noticed Gerard standing in the hallway behind me, halfway hidden in the shadows and just kind of hovering there; a blank expression on his pale face, his arms crossed behind his back. He didn’t do anything in particular, but he somehow looked kind of dangerous like that. Pete the pizza guy seemed to feel it too; scratching at the back of his head nervously. 

“Uh yeah, so I gotta get going guys, enjoy your pizza”, he said, winking at me again before turning around and jogging back to his car. I slowly closed the door after him, still feeling confused. Gerard pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against in one swift movement. 

“Pizza guy was totally checking you out”, he stated as if he were talking about the weather, but it seemed like… could there have been a hint of jealousy in his voice?  
No Frankie, don’t get your hopes up, now you’re really getting way too bubble-headed. 

 

We retreated back into my room to eat; Gerard sitting down cross-legged on the floor, sucking on a string of mozzarella cheese with exactly that kind of oblivious devotion that sent the information right to my fucking dick. Because not long ago, he hadn’t been sucking on cheese. He had been sucking on…oh God please, no boner, not now for fuck’s sake! I quickly turned around to grab the nearest CD and shoving it into my stereo. The Misfits’ Wolf’s Blood, ah, good grab. 

“You ain’t gonna eat any pizza soon?” Gerard asked, munching on a mouthful of his pizza, hazel eyes fixed on me curiously and I just had to sigh in exasperation. The whole situation was just so fucked up and confusing and Gerard wasn’t exactly doing anything helpful by being a fucking t e a s e.

 

\---

 

Pretty soon the empty pizza box lay discarded in some corner of the room and we were stretched out on the floor just like a few days ago. Which; now that I thought about it, seemed like an eternity away. Thinking about how I didn’t even know Gerard for more than a few weeks but it already felt like years because of all the things that happened still felt weird.  
But lying next to him right now filled me up with a weirdly warming, familiar feeling I could not completely comprehend. For a while the only sound ringing through the air were the heavy guitar riffs of the Misfits’ ‘Die Die My Darling’. Suddenly Gerard rolled over to lie on his side, bracing his head on his arm; watching me closely with a look of worry etched on his furrowed brows. 

“I actually came here to talk to you about something”, he began, shifting uneasily. I felt myself tense as I turned to answer.

“What’s the matter?”

“Well”, Gerard took a deep breath and sat up. “It’s about you…me…us. This-“, he gestured around hopelessly; grasping for words, “this- thing we have going on.”  
I swallowed. This didn’t sound too good. Fuck, I had somehow seen this coming, but it left me unprepared nonetheless. I hadn’t even made up my mind myself, what if Gerard expected me to make decisions all of a sudden? I felt so confused that I just stayed in the same position on the floor, my gaze fixed somewhere on the wall while Gerard spoke up again. 

“I think it’s all a bit…rushed, you know? I mean, we practically don’t know each other and I think we should just…dunno, slow things down; maybe forget about it”, he trailed off, glancing outside the window.  
His last words ripped me out of my lethargy. I snapped up and stared at him in disbelief. 

“What the actual fuck, Gerard? You came here, practically throwing yourself at me, almost begging to suck me off and now you have the guts to sit there, telling me to take things slowly or maybe forgetting about it? Just what the hell?” I knew I was yelling but I didn’t bother, because he was starting to piss me off. He was still not facing me, but I could see his lips twitch. 

“Yeah I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry; trust me, I’m already regretting it. I don’t know what got into me; I probably just dug my own grave at school.” he sneered bitterly. 

“What?” I snapped, already getting a small hint of what he was referring to. 

“Are you really that oblivious?” Gerard spat and suddenly looked me straight in the eyes, his gaze piercing through my skull. “Derek the homophobic asshole likes to shove me around not knowing that I’m gay, he only made that rumor up to mock me. But if he finds out that I actually am, he will destroy me.”

“And what the hell makes you think I’m gonna tell him?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Anger boiled up in my throat. I knew how bitchy I sounded; the hurt almost seeping through my voice.  
Gerard only chuckled bitterly. 

“Maybe you wouldn’t right away. But sooner or later it would be just another funny story to blast at a party. It was me who sucked you off after all. You’d take no damage of the faggy little school slut begging to get you off; you just did him a favor”

Gerard was taken by surprise when I suddenly lashed out and punched him square in the face. Even though my hand hurt, I grunted satisfied. I didn’t put much strength into the punch, but I simply had to shut him up. I couldn’t take his shit anymore, speaking of me like I was exactly like the ones he despised so much. He grasped his reddening cheek and gaped at me in shock. The moment I realized who I had just hit I already regretted it to the bone. 

“Oh God, Gee, I’m sorry”, I choked, reaching out for him; but he backed away. I breathed in deeply. “I’m really sorry Gerard, I shouldn’t have hit you; I shouldn’t. But I just couldn’t stand you talking bullshit about me. Are you really that distrustful? I stood up for you when you were bullied, getting square punched in the face as thanks. Do you really think I would do that just to turn my back on you after all?” I inquired, blowing away a strand of hair that had fallen into my face out of the corner of my mouth. “Hell, do I really look like such a schemer to you? For fuck’s sake Gerard, don’t be so paranoid!” I inhaled deeply after my rant. Gerard just sat there and stared at me; still grasping his cheek and I could see the guilt and embarrassment flashing over his face. 

 

It was only a tiny moment however, before he decided to hide behind his walls again and glared at me furiously. 

“You don’t know how many fucking people played with my trust before, asshole!” he spat. “Have you ever been bullied? I bet not. I bet no one has dared to touch little Frankie; why would they; little Frankie is handsome, self confident and has a lot of friends to back him up. You have no fucking idea, don’t fucking talk as if you know anything”, Gerard practically screamed at me, springing to his feet and turning to leave. But there was no way in hell I would let that idiot walk out on me like that again.  
I hopped up myself and quickly grabbed one of his wrists. 

“What the- let me go!” he barked, voice raspy all of a sudden. 

“No, you are going to listen to what I’ve got to say”, I gritted out between clenched teeth, getting hold of his other wrist. He tried to wriggle away shooting me nasty looks but I was so furious I made use of my strength and backed him up against the wall. I should have noticed the panic-stricken look in his eyes when he suddenly went limp in my grip and stopped struggling completely.  
The moment I realized his change in behavior I dropped his wrists like I had been burned and stumbled backwards. I could hear him gasp for air at the realization that no one was restraining him any longer. My stomach turned as I looked into his pale face. All of his emotions at the current moment were displayed there for me to see; the embarrassment he felt for acting so weak, for not trying to fight back; the desperation; the exhaustion. I just wanted to go over and comfort him, but I couldn’t move an inch. 

“Gerard”, I finally began weakly, “You do with this whole mess what you want; end it right here if you like but I just want you to know that I’m starting to see beneath the surface. I’m already beginning to see the real you, even if we’ve known each other for such a short time only. I think you need someone you can rely on in your life, a friend and I would, uhm, I would really like to be that friend. I-uh yeah, I just wanted you to know”, I mumbled, glancing everywhere but him. My throat felt painfully dry all of a sudden. 

“I-I”, Gerard began but he was interrupted by an impromptu, frantic ringing of the doorbell. We both snapped around, Gerard already descending the stairs a heartbeat later. 

“Wait!” I huffed, quickly hurrying after him. “What’s the matter?” I grabbed the sleeve of his hoodie, releasing it an instant later.  
“Gee, what is it?” I was starting to freak out there; I just wished somebody would fill me in on why Gerard was suddenly staring at me looking scared to the bone. 

“Shit”, he whispered. “Frank, I’m so sorry. There was a thing I came here for. To warn you.”

The ringing became even more irritating. Whoever stood outside also started thrusting his fists into the door. 

“What do you mean; warn me? What about?” I asked, not understanding anything. It all clicked together a second later however, when a thundering voice sounded from outside the door.

“GERARD!”

 

Oh fuck.


	11. Chapter 11

As the shouting got louder and more frantic; any doubt of the identity of the person who was currently violating my door was erased. I started growing angrier and angrier, who did that asswipe of father of his think he was; showing up at my home behaving like a lunatic and making a goddamn scene that had probably alerted the whole fucking neighborhood by now?

I knew we should have probably just ignored him or called the cops but I was getting pissed, really p i s s e d and I was totally in the mood to start a fight. Determined I shoved Gerard behind me and ripped the door open. Gerard’s father was standing there like I expected, breathing heavily; his face colored in a deep shade of red. I swear I could also see a thick, ugly vein surfacing on his temple. 

 

“I knew it”, he growled in a rattling voice, flexing his fingers before curling them into fists; “I knew exactly where to find you, you little shit!” He narrowed his eyes in rage, spitting “Have you really no shame at all? Look at yourself, cowering like a bitch behind others; I am ashamed to call someone that pathetic my own son!”  
I could practically feel Gerard tense up behind me. 

“And who the fuck do you think you are?” I hissed at him venomously; I was seeing red. Blood red.  
“What sorry excuse of a father are you, talking to your own son like that? Fuck off before I call the police!” I didn’t even bother lowering my voice anymore and I could clearly see Gerard’s father struggling internally with whether he should beat the shit out of me or just knock my lights out. 

“Shut your filthy mouth, faggot, how come YOU talk to me like that? You are no better than my son! Who will come home with me right. fucking. now. GERARD!” he yelled, “get your ass over here or you will regret it!”  
When Gerard actually stepped forward I grabbed him and pushed him back behind me. 

“He is going nowhere! Do you really think I’m letting him go back home just so you can hit him again?” I may have sounded tough there but I was shaking so bad I feared for my knees to give in any moment. Maybe it was the adrenaline that kept me going. It sure was. I managed to flip open my phone; already dialing 911. “I’m calling the cops right now if you don’t leave within the next 20 seconds, I mean it”, I said; trying in vain to keep my cool, my thumb hovering over the ‘call’ button for Gerard’s father to see. For a few agonizing seconds my brain felt as if it was going to burst any moment, but then his father finally slowly took a step back. The look he shot me was one of utter fury. 

“You will regret this”, he gritted out between clenched teeth. “Gerard if you don’t come home tomorrow right after school I will fucking drag you myself; you can’t hide behind that boyfriend of yours forever. Who, however”, he continued and his lips suddenly twisted into a derogatory smirk; “is more of a man than you’ll ever be. I bet he isn’t taking it up the ass like a-“

“FUCK YOU!” I screamed into his face for the whole street to hear and slammed the door with a loud smash. Once it was closed I slid down on the inside heavily, my body achingly tense. Gerard sunk down right next to me, silent tears dripping off his cheeks. The minute I dragged him into my room and sat him onto my bed he started sobbing openly, clinging tightly to my shirt and wetting it in the process but I couldn’t care less. All I could think of were the multiple ways I wanted to make that son of a bitch pay for what he did to his son, his own fucking flesh and blood. Words couldn’t describe how I felt at that moment; like I had lost a great deal of faith in the world. 

Gerard however finally seemed to let some of his walls crush around him since he was crying so openly before me. But then again I guess it was because after I had witnessed firsthand what his father did to him he saw no further point in denying and just surrendered. I actually was glad he could at least for once show his feelings freely. So I sat there, gently rubbing his back and soothingly tangling my fingers in the short platinum strands of his hair while muttering soft encouragements. 

The way he cried before me; so open and vulnerable and r a w; it made me dizzy. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with hopelessness; what if I couldn’t help him? I wanted for him to open up and rely on me and now that I got that what if it was too much? What if I failed him and couldn’t make the pain go away? I squeezed him tighter and felt him press into the touch.  
Blood. I could taste blood already from biting my tongue so hard. I just couldn’t fail him; I couldn’t. But I wouldn’t. No matter what it took; I was determined to do everything in my power to save him. Even if I had to admit that part of me was still doing it out of very selfish reasons.

 

\---

 

After a while I was at a loss of what to do, but Gerard seemed to have calmed down at last. Just to make sure; I continued to rub his back in soft, small circles. It really did wonders because soon his sobs became fewer until they stopped completely. 

“Fuck”, he hiccupped; frantically wiping his eyes. “I knew this was gonna happen. I’m so sorry Frank, you have no idea.” He looked so exhausted. It hurt me to see him like that. 

“C’mon let’s get you in the kitchen Gee, I’mma make you some hot coffee and then we’ll talk, okay?” I said carefully, dragging him to his feet. Gerard followed me into the kitchen as silent as a shadow; which was a little creepy. I sat him down at the kitchen island and started roaming the cupboards in search of coffee when he spoke up again. 

“I meant what I said. I knew this was gonna happen. It’s always like that with my Dad. He finds out I met someone new, he tries to sabotage. I tried to stay away, but- the hell, who am I kidding here; I didn’t even make a futile attempt at staying away from you. That’s how desperate I really am.” he added bitterly. “And look what I’ve gotten you into, Frank!” he buried his face in his hands and sighed. I felt so weak; so unable to help it tugged at my sanity.  
Gerard looked up at me sympathetically and smiled a small, secret smile. 

“I don’t get why you are still trying so desperately to save me, Frankie. There is nothing special about me. I mean apart from the fact that I look absolutely dashing and I’m clever and funny as fuck”, he snickered. I furrowed my brows at him but he only shrugged it off.  
“It’s okay to joke about it, I do it all the time. What else is there to do?” he said, cutting me off just as I opened my mouth to reply. “Don’t treat me like a porcelain doll, Frank, I’m not gonna break. My Dad didn’t exactly start hitting me just yesterday, you know? You get quite cynical after some time”

I had already expected that Gerard must have endured this for some while now; but to hear it out of his own mouth was sickening me anew. 

“For how long?” I breathed, handing him the steaming cup of coffee. He deliberately licked his lips and wrapped his hands around the cup before responding “I don’t know. For a while now. He even hit me before he found out I was gay.” Gerard chuckled softy, taking a sip. “He caught me and some guy from school making out in the backyard. It was a rookie’s mistake. His name was Dylan. He- he broke his jaw.”  
I almost choked on my own coffee and had to cough. Staring at him in shock I stuttered “He- what?”

“That’s why I wanted to warn you”, Gerard said calmly, twisting a strand of hair between his fingers. “Listen Frankie, my Dad is a pile of scum; let’s say it as it is – but he is also dangerous. I don’t think he’ll try anything serious on you though; that incident with Dylan back then almost got him arrested.”

“I wish it had.” I muttered, hoping Gerard hadn’t heard it but his eyes went wider for a second so I guess he had. He sighed deeply. 

“Nevertheless I’m worried about you”, he continued, “and I don’t want you hurt because of me. Just because you got the dumb idea to be my own personal savior or something.”  
His words didn’t sound bitter, just sad. 

He stayed quiet then, sipping on his coffee in silence. I drifted away for a few heartbeats, trying to wrap my mind around what happened. A few minutes later we both jerked up at the sudden, unexpected sound of keys being turned in a lock. A second later my Mom’s voice rang through the house.  
“I’m home Frankie, you there?”

“Yeah”, I called; gingerly grabbing Gerard’s sleeve to drag him along into the hallway. “Mom, this is Gerard, he goes to my art class and he’ll be sleeping over today if that’s alright with you?”  
I crossed my fingers it was. 

“Hello Mrs. Iero!” Gerard politely greeted my mother; the most dashing smile on his lips. 

“Hello Gerard. Nice to meet you, sweetie”, she smiled at him warmly. “Yeah boys, do whatever you want as long as you do it quiet, it’s nine already and my shift tomorrow starts at 6:30 so I should be sleeping already.”

“Alright Mom; we won’t experiment with explosives in the kitchen even though I was sooo looking forward to that”, I pursed my lips into a false pout and giggled when my Mother sighed and rolled her eyes at Gerard. 

“Goodnight you little idiot”, she ruffled my hair fondly before nodding in Gerard’s direction and heading upstairs. 

“Let’s play some video games”, I smirked at Gerard before dragging him upstairs. Despite the tired look on his face he picked up a controller, waving it right in front of my face mockingly. 

“You know I’ll kick your ass, Frank Iero”, he grinned cheekily. 

“Bet you won’t, asswipe”, I replied, gently bumping his shoulder. 

 

“Oh really? Bring it on then, pussy”, Gerard said, a cocky smile on his lips. It was really good to see him smile again, to have him forget about all that shit even if it was just for a while. 

“Yeah, just you wait and see, princess; I’mma destroy you”, I grinned; plugging in the controllers. 

 

One, two, almost three hours ticked by while we played Assassin’s Creed, mostly in silence; neither of us really had anything to say. After I got killed for what felt like, the hundredth time in a row, I reluctantly got to my feet. His eyes not once leaving the screen, Gerard huffed out “Where’re you going?”

“Oh, um, just need to pee. And I’ll get something to drink; you want anything?”

His lips curled into a tiny smile as he slowly shook his head no and continued playing.  
I kept myself from sighing and stepped out of the room. It was almost midnight by now. Outside the room to the left I could hear my Mom’s even breathing; other than that everything was completely silent. I stared into the darkness of the hallway, the only light illuminating it shallowly was dripping out under the gap between the door of my room and the floor. The whole scene with Gerard’s father hadn’t fully reached my brain yet.  
I flipped my phone open, whilst slowly descending the stairs. I got more than one angry text message from Bert and a bunch from the other guys. Finally slumping down on the kitchen island I opened the first one.

\- hey Frankie, what up? What t hell was dat shit@PE? Y didnt u tell me u kno I hate tht shit we could’ve skipped together? -

\- Frank you fucker why rn’t u writing back? – 

\- you know what suck my dick u lil shit I tried to call u 6 fuckin times – 

\- Frankie is everything alright? – 

I sighed even deeper than before. I already felt guilty for keeping my best friend at a distance like that; behaving strangely all of a sudden and not filling him in as to why. I knew how well he knew me and that he was probably beginning to worry by now. Fuck.  
The next text message was from Bob.

\- hey Frank, u goin to Becky’s party tmrrw? Btw Bert’s acting weird like hes mad tht u skipped without him haha – 

To his credit he wasn’t asking any questions although he must have at least thanks to Bert have known that something was off. But that was just like Bob; tall and silent – he was observant; nothing really went past him, but he knew better as to push it. He had his own little tactics to get what he wanted and it worked well. People usually tended to run to him spilling theirselves to him without any visible intervention from him at all.  
Alicia seemingly had tried to call me once earlier that afternoon but she had just left a voicemail that I decided to dismiss for now. I breathed in deep, massaging my temples and my scalp with my fingers; I felt tense all over, this was really wearing me out.  
Flipping the phone back open I stared at the display, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard. After a few moments of my mind being completely fucking blank, I just settled with a vague

\- I’m sorry Bert, I rly am. things are complicated rn. promise, I’mma tell u asap. trust me w this one. X –

That had to be enough for now. I shoved the phone back into my back pocket before checking the contents of my fridge. I scrunched my nose in disgust as I saw how little to eat or drink we had at home. Oh well, two cans of coke would have to do. The very moment I closed the fridge door and turned around I heard someone clear his throat. I was so startled I almost dropped the goddamn cans.

“The fuck? Gee, motherfucker, can you please n o t sneak up on me like that? Jeez, I almost got a heart attack.”  
He smiled nervously. 

“I-I figured you need some time alone and I’m sorry. I don’t want to cause you any inconveniences and I’m really sorry for what my father did.” He lowered his head. Despite it was pitch dark in the kitchen I could make out his face was red from embarrassment. And why was he so reserved all of a sudden?

“Gerard, you-“, I began, but he cut me off. 

“No, I’m, that- fuck; that happens all the time. God it’s just-“, he twisted his hands in his own hair and let out a frustrated sigh. “I fuck up every time”, he said; throwing his arms in the air desperately, his voice pitching higher as he went on. “This is all so messed up, see that’s why I have no friends. It’s not like I don’t want any, it’d be really cool to have anyone to like me besides Mikey, but see, my family-… my Dad always fucks up, pushes me around and I’m too pussy to do anything about it”, he looked at me, his eyes pleading and glassy.  
I thought it better just to let him have his rant; to give him the possibility of letting it all out; giving him an encouraging little nod to go on. He took a shaky breath.

“It’s just- my life is so fucked up that I sometimes don’t even care anymore and then I do fucking silly things and I’m so sorry Frank for being stupid and fucking up, ‘cause- ‘cause I really like you and that’s what makes me afraid. It scares me because I try so hard not to let anyone in and you? You just wormed your way inside me God knows fucking how and now I’m fucked. I literally served my head on a silver plate to my Dad, Sh- Derek and those pricks and every other stupid asshole that decided to hate me and make my life miserable for some reason.” He averted his eyes, his voice sounding strange and stale as he choked out.

“My Dad was right. I really am useless. I really am a fucking coward whining about his problems instead of solving them”, he made a strangled sound. “Fuck, when exactly did I become so pathetic?”  
When Gerard buried his face in his hands as if to hide away from the rest of the world, I silently stepped into his personal space, peeling his hands off his face; taking it into mine and moved closer, my lips hovering above his, whispering “No, you’re not. You’re actually pretty cool”; before moving on to kiss him, light and innocent, just a brush of lips against lips.

“Yeah, you’re really pretty fucking cool”, I mumbled into his mouth; more to myself than anyone as he melted beneath my touch because I was finally admitting it to myself. I had no idea what; but something was developing between me and Gerard.  
Something I didn’t want to miss a single second of.  
Something that was worth getting in trouble for. 

 

Something that made me realize a lot about myself.


	12. Chapter 12

The sound of my phone alarm woke us the next morning. I rolled over in bed, groaning and pulling the pillow over my head in an attempt to block out the noise. I could hear Gerard stir on the floor. 

“Fuckin’ put out that stupid alarm”, he mumbled sleepily. Blindly I fumbled for my phone; brushing against it and pushing it off the nightstand in the process. Grunting in frustration I flopped back onto the mattress. 

“Wait a moment”, Gerard said, sitting up. “Is your alarm really ‘Stayin’ Alive’ by the BeeGees?” he asked, laughter already bubbling up in the back of his throat. 

“Yeah”, I replied grumpily, ruffling my sleep tousled hair. “You got a problem with that?”

“Not at all”, Gerard snickered, standing up in the center of my room; stretching; proceeding to complain about the lack of comfort he had experienced whilst spending the night in my sleeping bag on the floor. 

“I offered you my bed for like, five times so stop bitching and shut up. No sympathy for you”, I shrugged; balancing on one foot to get into my pants. He just huffed out an incomprehensible response and bent over to fetch his jeans from the floor. 

“Well, I’ll have to use it now, however”, he announced and dropped heavily onto my bed a second later. Pulling an Iron Maiden shirt over my head I shot him a questioning glance but he just laid back down on the mattress and started wriggling into his jeans; a look of utter determination on his face. I really fucking couldn’t suppress my laughter at the concentrated expression etched on his face as he tried to crawl into his skin tight black jeans. 

“Jeez, now that’s what you get for wearing pants like these”, I teased. “And fucking hurry up, we’re late already!” He only flipped me off and threw a pillow at the back of my head as I walked out of the room laughing. The mere fact that it was Friday made everything seem already a little brighter. After finally managing to get dressed Gerard descended the stairs with his hoodie slumped over his shoulder the very minute I stuffed four sandwiches into my bag. When he caught a glimpse of it he cursed “Oh fuck, I forgot I don’t even have my bag! All my school stuff is at home! Yeah, that’s gonna be an awesome day…”

“Don’t be a bitch, I can lend you something to write and now let’s get going; we’re fucking late”, I all but pushed him outside. 

 

We walked most of the way to school in silence; munching on our sandwiches as we did so. 

“So”, I began after some time. “Becky’s having a party tonight.” When Gerard quirked an eyebrow at me I rushed to add “Becky Vale? The chick from biology? No? Blonde hair with black tips; really hot? Still doesn’t ring a bell?” Gerard shook his head no. “Well, whatever. So as I said; tonight’s her party and I, uhm, I was wondering if you’d wanna come?” I glanced at him sideways. When I saw him scrunching up his pixie nose I quickly added “it’s gonna be cool; Bob, Bert, Alicia and Carrie are gonna be there and a shitload of other people and booze and maybe pot and it’s gonna be awesome!” I fixed him with a pleading stare; pulling off the best puppy eyes I could.  
He smiled his trademark lopsided smile at me before huffing softly “That’s probably not the best idea. I’m the freak; did you forget? It’d probably be weird if I come.” he trailed off, watching the traffic on the streets.  
I wasn’t going to push it and force him to come and somehow I had expected that he wouldn’t want to, but I kinda felt rejected anyway. I decided not to show it however so I flashed him a grin offering nonchalantly “Think about it okay? Dunno, if the feeling hits you later; just call me and come!”

 

Just like I had predicted we were running about 10 minutes late. Before I went off to Algebra and Gerard left for French I shot him an awkward glance and stammered something like “See you?” when he just smiled and winked at me once before slipping into his class. I really felt like a 13 year old girl with a moon-sized crush. 

I flexed my hands once and tried to calm myself a little so I wouldn’t step into Algebra with a massive grin carved onto my face before pushing the door open. Mrs. Markland, my math teacher thankfully wasn’t the ranting sort who would hold a fucking five minute monologue to scold a student for coming 10 minutes late to class; so she just scrunched up her nose (which made her face look even more like it was made out of century-old sandpaper – if that was even humanly possible) and impatiently gestured for me to sit the fuck down. I slumped down next to Bob and for once was glad as fuck that the seat next to Bert was already taken because he shot me the nastiest looks you could imagine. 

Bob however simply smiled at me knowingly; which, I had to admit it, freaked me out not just a little. Bert in the meantime continued to glare daggers at me over the tip of Bob’s shoulder. A minute later a tiny, folded piece of paper hit the back of my head. I sighed and picked it up; unfolding it. It had a pretty detailed sketch of a stick figure Bert choking a stick figure me whilst shouting out a speech bubble that said ‘you’ve got a hell lot to explain, dude’. I sighed again, scribbling ‘I know, man’ right beneath it and tossing it back in Bert’s direction. For the rest of the lesson I was thinking about how in hell I would explain the whole Gerard situation to my friends. 

\---

I hadn’t seen Gerard for the rest of the day; not in the hallways, not at the lockers and not even now, in the lunch hall. 

“What’s in today?” I didn’t really feel like eating anything; but my stomach decided to work against me.

“Lasagna; or so it says at least””, Bob replied, stretching to peek over the heads of other kids queued up in the lunch line. “Ah, but it rather looks like cement – and the insides remind me of good ol’ Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies”, Bob added; already beginning to hum along the melody of ‘The Worst Pies In London’.  
“Ew, gross”, I made a face as the lunch lady dropped a very slimy and very suspicious looking piece of lasagna onto my plate. Yet another waste of lunch money. 

 

“So Frankie, care to share why you’ve been behaving like a bitch lately?” Bert sneered whilst slumping down next to Bob and me on our table. He looked at me accusingly and I was glad I only had to deal with the two of them and not the whole gang. I closed my eyes; briefly taking a deep breath before I finally turned to look at them.  
“Okay, so…” I drawled out, not really knowing even where to start. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bert crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat with pursed lips and quirked up eyebrows, as if he were saying ‘now I’d really like to hear what dumbass story you’ve come up with’. Irritated, I rolled my eyes but calmed down visibly the moment Bob nodded at me encouragingly, his face reassuringly blank. 

“Okay”, I started again, picking at my lasagna. “you know that kid that gets bullied all the time, Gerard?” Bob nodded again and Bert only grunted in response. “Yeah, so what about him?”

“Well”, I uttered, chewing at my bottom lip. I felt a terrible pang of guilt gnawing at my guts for giving away parts of Gerard’s private life but at the same time I also had the urge to tell someone; because I started feeling like it was eating me alive. I just had to talk about it, before it consumed me whole. 

I decided however, not to involve them further than necessary; so I just fed them bits of the whole picture, locking away other parts completely once again. No one had the right to know about the rape I had witnessed. Although a voice in my head whispered it was wrong of me to keep it a secret; I just couldn’t tell. I felt like it would betray Gerard.  
By the time I finished my story however; they both stared at me in shock, their mouths agape. 

“Jeez”, Bert said unbelievingly. “Fuck, I- how could a father be like that to his own son? What an asshole!” 

“Yep”, Bob remarked bitterly, “sometimes you just get a friendly reminder that the world is a fucking dark place.” I only nodded silently. It really was disgusting. How could a father, a parent, be like that to his own child? Instead of giving it love and safety beat and punish it? What could Gerard have ever done that would even in the slightest justify the treating he received by his own Dad? I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. 

The conversation dragged our mood down for the rest of the day. No one really felt like cheering in anticipation for the party that night when we knew that somewhere in the world, in that exact time a child was probably being abused by the very ones who were supposed to protect it against all odds.  
We quietly parted on the next corner without even saying goodbye; each of us lost in their own, dreadful thoughts. 

 

\---

 

Gerard hated the way his shoulders tensed the closer he got to his home. If he even could still call that place a home. He hoped Mikey would be home; because his father would be so pissed. Pissed because of what Frank had done. No one ever spoke up to Donald Way; it was like an unwritten law. It was common knowledge in the whole neighborhood. The neighbors surely knew that there was something wrong going on with the family of number 36; but they preferred to look away like the cowards they were. Don’t see, don’t talk. When they spotted Gerard walking to school one morning with a black eye or yet another huge ass bruise on his face they just politely ignored it; pretending nothing ever happened.  
It wasn’t like Gerard had ever tried to get their help; but just knowing that they would turn him down anyway made his stomach churn with the ugly feeling of utter helplessness. 

Taking a deep breath, Gerard walked up the last few steps up the front porch and pushed the door open, not surprised to find it unlocked. He silently slipped out of his snowy chucks and tried to creep past the dining room attempting to avoid to be confronted with his father for just a tad longer when a sharp voice cut through the air. 

 

“Gerard. Where have you been?” his father asked from the dining room. Gerard clenched his teeth together tightly and kept himself from balling his hands into fists as he slowly walked over to the dining room, his gaze downcast. “Where have you been, it’s almost five”, his father repeated in a low, but other than that almost neutral voice. 

“I was taking a walk”, Gerard replied, keeping his gaze down and trying to calm his nerves. He knew he was just postponing the inevitable. 

“Is that so?” his father asked coldly. “Look me in the fucking eye when I’m talking to you, useless brat! Have I taught you no manners?” he snapped, causing Gerard to look up and stare in shock at the person sat next to his Dad at the dining table; half empty glass of whisky perched in front of them. 

“Don’t you want to greet your uncle, Gerard?” His Dad kept his voice stern. 

“Hi Gee”, Shane uttered sickeningly sweet; winking at Gerard who in return only tensed up even more before swallowing hard and choking out “H-hi Shane.”

“Sit with us”, his father commanded and Gerard was confused. His father never invited him to sit with him when he had friends or acquaintances over. It made him itchy; made him aware. He cautiously sat down, his gaze darting nervously between his Dad’s and Shane’s. 

“Your uncle told me he needs help with the store on the weekends and during the week in the evenings”, his father began and Gerard felt his throat tighten instantly. He knew where this was going before his Dad even continued.  
“So you are going to work for him on Saturdays, Mondays and Thursdays, got it?” his father finished. 

 

“No”, Gerard breathed out. 

“What?”

“NO!” he screamed at the top of his lungs before storming out of the room; running downstairs into his own, slamming the door behind him and throwing himself on his bed. He felt like blasting really loud, really angry music, so he did. Fuck it! Fuck this all! He was not going to work for a sick, twisted rapist bastard! Tears started to well up in his eyes but he blinked them back.  
That couldn’t be! It just couldn’t! If he only thought of being forced on his knees one more time in front of that son of a whore he felt bile rising in his throat. Not to mention the… he curled tighter into himself; not allowing his mind to drift back to that memory. He started thrashing in frustration; burying his head in his pillow to muffle his cries of anger.  
Then there was a faint clicking sound and the last cry never even made it out of the back of his throat. 

He felt his whole body fail him and go limp when he sensed the featherlight touch on the small of his back. 

“Shush baby, who would’ve thought you were gonna make such a scene when all I did was offer you a job”, Shane snickered quietly; his fingers tangling loosely in Gerard’s short, blonde hair.  
Overcoming the instant moment of shock Gerard whirled around on the bed and crawled as far from Shane as he could without falling off; gritting out “Don’t fucking touch me!” through clenched teeth.  
“Why?” he hissed, narrowing his eyes down and desperately trying to ignore the sick feeling building up in his stomach. 

“Hmmm”, Shane tipped his chin with his index finger in a mockingly thoughtful way before smirking at Gerard and relishing in him glaring back at him like a cornered animal desperately searching for a way to escape. 

“Because of that look”, Shane replied, his voice dropping a few octaves as he edged closer. “Because of that look and the fact that you were the tightest fuck I ever had.”

Gerard felt a wave of nausea rushing through him, making him go limp and too terrified to reply. He knew what was going to happen but he couldn’t believe it. Now the tears were running down his cheeks freely. 

“My- my Dad is upstairs”, he choked out weakly.

“So what?” Shane laughed coldly. “You think he cares? He probably knows and doesn’t give a shit!” Gerard had no idea when he had ever felt this hopeless. It was like he was being stripped of everything he had ever believed in. Having his father beating him was one terrible cause, but his own Dad allowing for him to be raped? He simply couldn’t bear it. Tears blurred his vision and he couldn’t bite back the frantic sobs that escaped his throat anymore. 

He felt too weak to fight back when Shane pushed him onto his stomach; too exhausted to struggle when he kicked his legs apart; too faint to thrash when his head was shoved into the pillow to suck up his screams.  
He just felt numb. He just let it happen.

 

In a way, he gave up a part of himself in that very moment. 

 

\---

 

Gerard lay there long after Shane had left, curled up tightly into himself. He didn’t even dare to move; he could still feel the blood seeping from between his thighs and it hurt, it hurt so much. His throat felt raw from all the screaming and his tongue raspy from trying to suffocate the cries within the depths of his pillow; he didn’t want anyone to witness his humiliation. Mikey hadn’t been at home and he was just so glad for that – he was sure it would break his heart if his little brother ever found out what happened to him.  
Now that the streaks of tears had dried on his cheeks he felt empty, void; unable to cry anymore. Besides, what good had it done? Nothing. The sheer knowledge that his own father had allowed it to happen drove him to the edge of desperation. At some point he must have managed to draw the blanket over his exposed lower body but it had exhausted him even further so he had settled back to lying still. 

It hurt like fire, just like Shane had promised. “You’ll still feel that in a week, baby; just you see.” Thinking of his voice alone made Gerard want to crawl right out of his skin. He noticed his breathing becoming erratic and desperately tried to calm himself, clawing at his short platinum hair. In the midst of his agony he suddenly heard a faint vibrating sound.  
His cell phone. It must still lie somewhere on the floor. Gerard grunted faintly in pain and twisted around in order to grab it from its spot under the bed.  
One text message.  
It was from Frank. Gerard swallowed before hitting the ‘open’ button. The message alone made him want to cry again. 

\- heeeeeeey Gee! whatsup dude? It sucks soo bad tht ur not@th party, bert n bob annoy th shit outta me xD miss u n call u later x – 

He stared at the display of his phone until his tears blurred Frank’s drunkenly written words completely. He felt so utterly terrible; he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. How could he ever look Frank in the eye again after he had been taken like that a second time? He hadn’t fought back; hadn’t try to stop Shane at all! What was he?  
Filthy. Dirty. Unworthy. Used.  
A slut. A slut who didn’t fight back when being taken against their will. He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. How could he ever look his little brother in the eye again? His little brother, who looked up to him?  
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly while thinking that he couldn’t.  
He felt labeled.  
Branded. 

Whore. 

\---

 

He must have eventually dozed off at some time, because when he felt his phone vibrating the second time it was way past midnight. He blinked around in the darkness of his room for a few moments before finally gathering himself together and flipping the phone open. He wasn’t surprised to find yet another obviously drunkenly written text message from Frank. Curling up tightly under the blanket he opened the message.

\- yo Geeee, duuude, th party’s rad y u no here? Could rly do w ur company cuz berts too drunk n bobs makin out w some random chick XD oh n u know what? u have rly pretty eyes xo – 

Gerard blinked dumbly at the screen a few times before another message popped up. 

\- shiiiit I’m so gonna regret all those texts tmrw fuck like wht loser gives compliments on a dudes eyes haha – 

Despite himself Gerard had to smile at Frank’s words. He clung onto them like life support. Had Frank really just told him he found his eyes pretty? Before he could help it, a small giggle escaped the back of Gerard’s throat. He clasped his hands over his mouth and listened into the silence; afraid someone had heard him, but the house was as quiet as ever.  
He reread the message a few times, his smile growing broader with every time he did. He didn’t know why he felt that way, but to him Frank was infatuating and the fact that he didn’t seem to know himself made him all the more fascinating. 

Gerard stared at the text for another while before sighing contently and pressing his phone to his chest, smiling widely. 

Half an hour later the ringtone of his phone ripped him out of his doze. He accepted the call with trembling fingers before even checking the display.  
“Hello”, he croaked into the receiver, taken aback by his own, raspy sounding voice. 

“Gerard? M’God, Gee”, he could hear Frank slur; dragging his name out far longer than necessary. “T’is sooo good to hear your voice”, he babbled. Gerard chuckled softly. 

“For God’s sake Frankie, do you even know what time it is?” he asked, clutching his phone tightly, not wanting to miss a single word that left Frank’s drunken lips. 

“I know, I know”, Frank sing-sanged, suddenly bursting into hysterical laughter. “Fuck, I think I just tripped over a homeless person?” he giggled on the other end of the line. Gerard suddenly became alerted. 

“Where are you?” he tried to sit up in his bed, groaning as he did so; staring into the darkness warily. 

“I don’t know, I- fuck! That hurt, ow!” Frank slurred, again bubbling into fits of giggles. Gerard rolled his eyes, starting to grow slightly annoyed – dealing with a hammered-as-fuck-Frank was no easy task so to speak.  
“Jeez, I thought you are at that Becky-chick’s party?” he asked.

“I was, I was, but then Becky and her boyfriend- what’s his name again? John? Jim? Jimmy? I’mma call him Jimmy-“

“Holy fuck, cut to the chase, Frank!”

“A little impatient there, are we?” Frank snickered but went on as if he could hear Gerard practically growl through the speaker. “Yeah well they started fighting all of a sudden and things got trashed and she threw everyone out and I’m so fucking drunk I have no idea where the fuck I am and you were the last number I had contact with ‘cause I sent you texts and it’s cold and I’m freezing my balls off here.”  
He suddenly went silent after that monologue. 

“Gee”, he breathed into the phone. “Are you still there? I’m sorry if I woke you up”

“Shut up”, Gerard mumbled, throwing his legs over the edge of his bed, furrowing his brows tightly at the waves of pain rushing through his lower half. Biting down on his lower lip hard once and taking a shuddery breath he leant over to fetch his pants from the floor. He tried to ignore how shaky his voice sounded when he spoke up “just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you and make sure your ass gets home safely!”  
Being as drunk as he was, Frank stayed oblivious to Gerard hissing in pain once he got his pants on. 

“You are a saint”, he slurred tiredly, “Gee, I owe you one! I’m at, wait, there’s a street sign saying- saying Monroe Street and there’s a gas station”

Gerard froze in the midst of pulling his hoodie over his head. Monroe Street? That idiot had barely made it three blocks away from Becky’s house, which also meant he was not far from his own.  
He suppressed a small chuckle and said “stay where you are. I’ll be there in a few minutes, just do me a favor and don’t fall asleep on the concrete, will you?” before snapping his phone closed and slowly climbing the steps leading up from the basement; wincing in pain once again as he did so. 

He swallowed it down however, grabbed his leather jacket, fingerless gloves and keys and left the house without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm almost out of the chapters I had written in advance, hence it could take me a little longer to update from now on; but I'll keep it regularly, no worries ;)


	13. Chapter 13

By the time Gerard finally reached Frank, he was sitting on the sidewalk; leant against the pole of a streetlight and seemed fast asleep. 

“Idiot”, Gerard lowly cursed under his breath. “Haven’t I told you not to fall asleep on the concrete?” 

He scowled down at Frank, who was currently drooling onto the lapel of his jacket. The sight was so absolutely ridiculous but helplessly adorable at the same time; Gerard couldn’t help but smile fondly. He cautiously crouched down beside him and reached out to tap him on the shoulder. Frank didn’t even stir. Gerard was about to grab his shoulder and shake him when he froze in mid-movement and made a different call. He didn’t know what drove him to do it when he leant over and pressed a featherlight kiss on Frank’s cheek. Jerking back the very next second he clasped his hands over his mouth and praised whoever God was currently in charge that Frank hadn’t waken up because if that wasn’t the single cheesiest thing Gerard had ever done – then he had no fucking idea what was. Practically feeling his own face heating up with embarrassment he squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at his temples. 

“God, what did that asshole do to me?” he muttered more to himself than anyone because Frank appeared more dead than alive in that particular moment. “I’m behaving like a fucking loser, oh my God!” Gerard moaned and kicked a small rock that lay on the sidewalk beside Frank’s sleeping form; who actually stirred from the noise. Gerard however was too busy with trying to block out the way his ears probably went scarlet right now to notice Frank groaning and shifting.  
“This is all your fault you stupid fucking asshole!” he barked a little louder than intended and went to punch Frank right in the shoulder, who instantly jerked up.

“What? Who? Where- what the fuck happened?” he mumbled disjointedly and rubbed at his forehead. 

“Shut up and get on your feet, asshole”, Gerard ordered and stood back up. 

“Ah Gee, you came, it’s so, s o good to see you!” Frank slurred and parted his lips into a delirious smile. “Help me up?” he pouted, reaching out for Gerard; who just huffed in response, cocked out his hips and crossed his arms over his chest. “No chance fucker, help yourself. And now get the fuck up, I’m fucking cold!” 

“That’s a lot of fucks”, Frank grumbled before giggling at his own joke, causing Gerard to roll his eyes in irritation. When he realized that Gerard really wasn’t going to help him up he made a hurt noise like a kicked puppy and slowly (and very unsteadily) got to his feet. He swayed a little before making grabby hands at Gerard; who let out an overdramatic sigh of exasperation before reluctantly allowing Frank to hold onto him for support. 

They walked the whole way back to Frank’s house in silence and Gerard was grateful for that. His thoughts were spinning; he was really grateful for getting at least some kind of distraction by walking Frank home; it was a way to keep himself from thinking…God, even one single thought in that direction already made him sick. But on the other hand he didn’t feel like smalltalk. He rather felt like he’d have to throw up if he’d have to talk about meaningless nothings.  
With Frank drunk as he was they were a lot slower than usual and had to actually make three little breaks where he hugged random trees every single time; convinced he’d vomit out his intestines then and there. Gerard sighed and rubbed Frank’s back when he was on his knees on the snowy grass, dry-retching, cursing and sounding utterly pathetic. 

By the time they reached his house however, Frank had not only managed to go there puke-free, he also seemed to have sobered up at least a tiny bit. Gerard felt exhausted and drenched out; he just wanted to go home and sleep. He had made sure Frank made it home safely, so his duty was fulfilled. The moment he was about to turn on his heel and walk away however Frank grabbed his shoulders and turned him back to face him. He looked at him with earnest, almost innocent hazel eyes, only a little glazed over from the booze.  
For a few agonizing moments they just kept standing there; Frank’s hands still on Gerard’s shoulders; eyes locked and unable to break the gaze. Gerard began to shiver slightly. To him Frank looked so honest, so vulnerable in that very moment it was almost unbearable for him. He wanted so bad to turn away and hide; but it was like he was mesmerized, like no matter how much he wanted it, he just couldn’t look away. It was when Frank suddenly closed the distance between them by leaning forward and chastely pressing his lips onto Gerard’s, a gesture so soft and unforced; that the spell was finally broken. Gerard backed away, gasping for air. He couldn’t, not now. 

“I can’t”, he stammered; stumbling backwards, “I’m sorry, but I- I can’t. G-Good night!” He wanted to shout, but his voice failed him and all that came out was a mere whisper. The expression of confusion and rejection and h u r t that was etched on Frank’s face finally was too much for Gerard; so the coward he was he just turned away and ran. 

‘Yeah run; run like you always do!’ the nasty little voice at the back of his mind sneered, “Just run away and see where it gets you.’

 

\---

 

So he ran. He ran and ran and didn’t even stop running when his lungs started to feel as if they were to burst any second. He had no idea how late it was by the time he reached home. He came to a skittering halt right before the steps of his front porch; his lungs were stinging painfully and pearls of sweat were plastered on his face. Gerard silently unlocked the door and crept down to his room in the basement; throwing himself onto his bed and crawling beneath the blankets in an instant; apart from his shoes not even bothering to remove any of his clothes. He was sticky with sweat and shivering with heat and cold at the same time. But no matter how tired or exhausted he was, or how tight he squeezed his eyes shut; he just couldn’t seem to fall asleep. He tried lying still but as soon as he lay there motionless; his backside began to pulsate with a stinging pain that sent him straight back into unforgiving flashbacks. 

Gerard clutched at his stomach and fisted his hands into his hair trying in vain to make it stop; to block it all out, but the silence, the q u i e t was what was slowly driving him insane. He didn’t want to cry; he didn’t want to cry a g a i n; he felt as if he had already shed too many tears for a lifetime. So he decided to swallow his sobs and blend into the ugly, mocking silence of the house; the neighborhood - the world. It was as if everything around him was going on in its usual path while he was stuck; held back by his father, by Shane…ultimately by himself. The party today made him realize. Reality had shoved itself into his face yet another time and it hurt. The hurt had been faint until now; just being the usual reminder that it was - no matter how often he tried - so hard for him to keep friends. He couldn’t hide everything from them forever and when they found out they got scared. Well, either that or his father found out and proceeded to destroy every connection his son ever made. That was just like how it went with Dylan; or with Ray – although that was years ago. But this time it hurt even more, because it was going to be Frank who would be ripped from his life and the mere thought of that made Gerard growl with sheer frustration. He knew that if the thing he had with Frank went on; something terrible would happen. Someone was going to bet hurt, that was for sure; it was inevitable concerning Gerard’s situation and the people controlling his life. 

 

But, as selfish as that made him feel; he didn’t mind. He knew he was putting himself and probably even more Frank into danger; but he couldn’t help it. He needed Frank; needed the attention and affection he gave him. Frank was good for him; with him he managed to temporarily forget about the ugly sides of the world.  
He was falling for him. 

The realization hit him so abruptly he could almost feel his eyes become comically wide in the darkness of his room. Yes, he was really falling for Frank Iero. Why he didn’t fully know. Yeah, Frank was attractive, very much so; but to Gerard, looks were secondary. Thanks to the fact that most people had built their own opinion of him on his looks alone after some years of constant letdown he had learnt the hard way that looks could be deceiving. Maybe he was falling for Frank simply because he had showed interest in him. Maybe it was because he was persistent and seemed the first person to actually w a n t to get to know Gerard better; maybe because they shared the same interests and he treated him good. 

 

Maybe falling for Frank was another trick his mind played him to distract him from the horrors he had to endure at home and now even at his workplace. Because he was certain Donald Way would make sure his son actually worked for his brother-in-law.  
Spreading out his life in front of his inner eye like that Gerard had to chuckle cynically and give himself an imaginary pat on the shoulder; because it was one hell of an achievement that after all he had managed to stay relatively normal. Relatively sane.  
He curled up into a fetal position and briefly glanced at the bright display of his phone. It was way past four in the morning and today would be his first shift with Shane. Gerard suppressed the instant pang of fear that was about to hit him at the thought about what Shane did to him just the day before and…yeah, he had to finish that thought; would probably do again. Fuck it!  
He gritted his teeth together tightly and threw his phone into some distant corner of his room where it landed on the floor with a dull thump. He would n o t be reduced to be Shane’s bitch. He would not lay there crying and play the victim! He would not wait for some knight in shining armor to come and save him because he knew that was not going to happen. 

So he had to stay strong. He had to stay strong in order to keep his sanity; to keep at least some aspects of his life under control. To get his act together at school. To meet Frank’s friends.  
To be there for Mikey. And to seize every single moment he had with Frank.  
Gerard was determined not to give in, no matter how corny the motivational speech that he was currently mentally giving himself sounded. Fuck Shane! He would find a way to even use his worthless rapist uncle to his own benefit. 

 

Gerard was aware that coping with all that would require for him to become a lot colder and eventually reckless in terms of other people’s feelings but fuck it! He finally had enough. He was sick and tired with people shoving him around like a ragdoll and molding him to their very own desires. He knew he couldn’t completely escape the clutches of his fate at home; not at least until he finished high school and even then he wouldn’t leave his little brother behind by just fucking off.  
But for now he could at least try to make the best out of his fucked-up situation. He felt his own lips part into a grim smile when he heard a faint knock on the door. Gerard knew who was currently standing on the other side (and probably shivering miserably from the cold) in a heartbeat.

 

“Mikey, come in”, Gerard whispered softly and a mere second passed until he could hear his baby brother tip toeing into his room before slipping onto his bed and immediately crawling under the blankets where he curled up against his older brother’s body instantly. Gerard wrapped his arms around his little brother’s shoulders protectively and for a while just stayed like that: listening to his steady breathing. Neither of them dared to speak for a long time before Gerard finally broke the silence. 

“How’s Mom?”

He could hear Mikey taking a shaky breath and nuzzled his hair in the hope of comforting him. 

“She hasn’t changed.” Mikey’s voice was so hushed; Gerard had to concentrate to be able to understand him. “She- she just doesn’t get better. You know, she’s always so sad.”

“I know”, Gerard said soothingly. 

“Why is she always so fucking sad? I don’t get it! I just don’t get it, Gee! I screamed at her, I shook her; I almost h u r t her, you know?” Mikey’s voice seemed to falter as he went on and when Gerard felt for his brothers cheeks in the dark; the salty wetness of tears instantly stained the digits of his fingers. He was at a loss of how to react. “I almost hurt her, Gee, and she didn’t even move… I hate her for it”, he continued; voice barely above a whisper. “I know it makes me a bad person but I can’t help it! She just lies in bed and hides away. How can she hide away when Dad is hurting you?” Gerard flinched at his brother’s raised voice and rushed to shush him in fear of his father waking up. 

“Mikey, you know, Mom is in a- uh- special condition, she-“

“Don’t act like I’m some dumb 10 year old, Gee, ‘cause I’m not. I’m 14 and I’m not stupid. I know what a depression is.” he spat out defiantly. Gerard sighed and pulled him closer.  
“But how can she just decide to hide away in her bed the whole day; her whole fucking life while I almost piss my bed every night ‘cause I’m so fucking afraid of Dad one day completely losing his control and killing you! How can she pretend to ‘sleep’ in her bed when Dad beats you into a bloody pulp almost every day?” Gerard winced at the harshness of his own brother’s words. He felt the familiar feeling of guilt rising in his guts once again; he had paid way to little attention to his brother in the last few weeks. 

“Mikey…-“

“No Gee, don’t even try to find excuses because there fucking aren’t any! She is a fucking coward and I don’t give a shit about her fucking depression I just fucking want her to be a mother once and stop Dad before he fucking kills you and-“, Mikey sobbed; his last words becoming unintelligible when he buried his face in the crook of Gerard's neck and cried openly. Gerard lay there feeling utterly helpless; he didn’t know what to do or say to comfort his baby brother. He couldn’t even throw around shallow phrases like ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ because Mikey was right; he was no naïve little kid anymore who could be fed lies and illusions. It were moments like these that made Gerard wish – if only for a second – that he was an only child; just so Mikey wouldn’t have to live in permanent fear of either his brother to be beaten or ultimately to get hit himself.  
But then again; the selfish asshole that he was; Gerard would rather his brother suffering like this than having to endure it all by himself. He was just so grateful his father never laid hand on Mikey; he preferred to use Gerard as his punching ball and Gerard liked to keep it that way. If it meant he could spare his little brother at least the physical pain he was more than happy to trade it for a few bruises and cuts.

“How’s school?” Gerard timidly asked after a while of brainwrecking silence that was only occasionally disrupted by Mikey’s faint sobs. 

“It sucks.” came his brother’s soft answer after a while. “But I’ll make it.”

 

Gerard couldn’t help but chuckle warmly at his brother’s words; the steady breathing against his neck and the warmth of his body at last lulling him into a dreamless sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

The feeling that gently woke me the next morning was irritating. Mighty irritating. To be precise it felt like a fucking jackhammer was penetrating my brain in the cruelest ways possible. I rolled over in bed groaning; clutching my stomach and feeling as if something had died in my mouth. I must have looked like the most pathetic thing ever, because I didn’t even manage to get out of bed without falling out like a bag of fucking stones. Or wet sponges. Or anything heavy and dull.

Lying on the floor I groaned again; because fucking nausea, oh my God. Why do we do it? Why do we somehow magically forget how terrible a hangover feels and just keep drinking the next week again as if nothing ever happened and we weren’t lying in bed wishing we’d rather die than having to endure that sobering-up torture? The thought made me chuckle however; because I was not gonna swear to myself to never ever touch booze again like Bert always did, because fuck it; who ever keeps that promise? At least no teenager I know. I was just glad Bob wasn’t there, because that fucker somehow never got hangovers and he drinks by far the most of us. 

Ugh, oh God, there it was; I already felt the death wishes coming on. Groaning again I tried to roll over on the floor in order to pull myself up but the impromptu piercing ache in my skull made me temporarily see black. In that very moment my Mom obviously decided it was time to torture her son and practically danced into my room; all sparkles and perfect mood. I growled at her from my degrading position on the floor, but she only laughed at my misery. 

“You brought that onto yourself, my dear!” she chuckled. “No one told you to get drunk out of your mind you silly boy; what if the cops came? I really don’t want to be called from work just because you thought that underage drinking would right now be the coolest thing ever! So I was thinking”, she crossed my room casually; getting dangerously near my stereo. “That maybe this would brighten your mood a little.” The witch was actually grinning at me whilst pulling out a suspicious looking CD and placing it into the CD player. She then turned back at me, smiling the happiest and at the same time most sadistic smile I’ve ever seen and practically chirped “rise and shine, beautiful! Get your act together; breakfast is ready!” and swiftly pushed the ‘play’ button right before leaving me alone. 

By the time the first tones of ‘Mamma Mia’ hit the room I was struck with the realization of how cruel my Mom really was, because that fucking hurt. Just imagine having an obnoxious hangover mixed with a hammering headache and a really nauseating taste in your mouth and then someone disgustingly sober and even more disgustingly happy walks in and decides its fucking torture time by BLASTING FUCKING ABBA? That evil woman had made sure I would get up and not spend the rest of the day in bed. 

Growling again, I finally pulled myself off the floor. Just you wait Mom; I’ll be the one cheering for revenge in the end. 

But first – where the hell did she keep her aspirin? 

 

\---

 

The first time that day I didn’t actually feel like puking out one or two of my inner organs was in the late afternoon. I could only partially recall the night before; but I remembered having called Gerard after some time and getting walked home by him. I scanned the room for my phone; groaning when I caught glimpse of it lying on my goddamn desk and therefore too goddamn far away. Grunting in disgust I heaved myself up from the bed for a second; stretching and not-so-gracefully leaning over to grab my phone from that fucking desk – just to slump back down on the mattress with so much drama it would have put Gerard to shame. And Gerard was, although he’d probably kick me in the nuts if I ever mentioned it in front of him – a grown diva. 

Snuggling back into my pillow I flipped the phone open and browsed through my text message folder. When I noticed that I obviously had sent drunken texts again I sighed and crossed my fingers that I hadn’t embarrassed myself all too bad. Reading them – ugh, what? I complimented Gerard on his eyes? Jesus! I cringed internally and pulled a face. Motherfucker; I’m not officially the certified king of losers! Complimenting a dude on his eyes entirely out of the blue? What the actual fuck; how gay was that?  
I swallowed. 

What am I, after all? Am I gay? I’m still not sure. I mean I’ve never been drawn to guys my whole life; Gerard was the first and only one to break my practiced cycle of straightness. I still refuse to call myself gay; I’m bisexual at the most, but I’m pretty sure that’s only an experimental phase. I mean a lot of guys at my age are curious about their sexuality, right? A lot of teenagers fool around with their same sex to experiment, right? It’s a fucking normal thing to do and it doesn’t mean anything, right?

 

Ugh, except in my case; how surprising. 

It did mean fucking more than just ‘fooling around’ to me because…because…because- oh fuck. It was then when I realized I was in deep trouble.  
I was in deep fucking trouble because I was falling for Gerard Way. (God, Gerard really was an unusual name – I mean seriously, who do you expect when you hear the name Gerard? A stuck-up old fart with the charms of a brick and not some kind of mortifyingly cute guy with huge eyes, a pixie nose and a cocky attitude).  
Fuck, there you have it – I was already thinking about Gerard like a lovestruck 13 year old. I buried my head beneath the blanket in shame. Add that to the fact that he had lately even managed to creep into some of my favorite jacking-off-fantasies (he even pushed fucking Milla Jovovich off the throne; guys that’s serious business right there) and you have… yeah, what do you have? I wouldn’t say I was in love with him; I’m not the guy for big feelings, but something was definitely there. I just had yet to figure out what exactly. 

A quick glance on the neon digits of my alarm clock informed me that it was already half past four. Having nothing better to do(and secretly wanting to do it) I figured why not call Gerard and at least thanking him for accompanying me home – I was aware of me often being a fucking annoying brat when I was drunk – and I really was grateful that he walked me home ‘cause fuck knows where I would have ended up if he didn’t. I rolled over onto my back and stared blankly at the ceiling whilst listening to the mind-numbing dial-tone. I was just about to hang up thinking maybe Gerard hadn’t heard his phone when suddenly a voice sounded over hesitantly through the speaker.

“Yeah?” I was pretty sure that wasn’t Gerard’s voice. 

“Uhm, hi, is Gerard there?” maybe that was his brother; what was his name again? I wasn’t sure; Gerard had never explicitly mentioned him.

“Who the fuck are you? What do you want from him?” the voice snapped. Great, if that really was his brother, then they both apparently shared the same bitchy attitude. I sighed but reminded myself to stay nice and not snap the shit out of whatever-his-name-was. 

“I’m Frank; me and Gerard go to school together. I’m a friend of his. You’re his brother – Mikey, right? Can you just tell me where he is? Or tell him I called?”

Mikey turned out not to be cooperative at all by yelling “Gee never mentioned you, asshole; so you aren’t his friend! I know your kind and I know you’re giving my brother a hard time at school so piss the fuck off and leave him alone! Oh, and don’t ever call this number again!” before hanging up.

Just – WHAT THE FUCK?

 

When Gerard called me back it was almost midnight. He sounded tired and a little exhausted and it made me wonder what he had been up to the whole day. I slipped Nirvana’s Incesticide into my stereo and flopped back onto the mattress.  
“Hey Gee!”

“Hey Frankie!” he really did sound tired, but somehow relaxed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t call you sooner; but it’s good to talk to you now!” I could hear the rustle of fabric so he was probably adjusting himself on his bed. I remembered his bedsheets. They were a velvety black; jet black, like his hair had been.  
I snapped back, realizing I was drifting off.  
“Uhm, don’t worry! I was just calling to-”, I scratched the back of my neck whilst grinning sheepishly at nothing in particular; “yeah I was calling to thank you for dragging my drunken ass home and jeez; I apologize in all honesty for whatever shit I did while I was hammered and useless…” at that I could actually hear Gerard giggle at the end of the line and it sounded really cute. It was a throaty, raspy kind of giggle. God Frank, focus!  
“Uh, so, what have you been up to the whole day?” Gerard cleared his throat before responding.

“First of all you don’t need to thank me, ‘cause that’s what friends are for, right? Oh and I was at work. You know”, he huffed out, sounding annoyed; “lately my Dad forces me to work for my uncle at the store?” I practically bolted up in bed because I couldn’t believe what I was currently hearing. 

“He does WHAT?” I yelled and I was pretty sure Gerard flinched at that even though I couldn’t see him.

“Yeah”, he responded hesitantly; sounding confused. Fuck, I had to calm myself. “I have to work there on Sundays and sometimes during the week after school. But- but it’s not so bad, uhm”, he sounded anxious; “it’s okay actually.”  
I swear I could hear his voice falter a little and it made me see blood once again. I quietly sighed in frustration. ‘I can tell it’s not okay; y o u’r e not okay; why don’t you just confide in me and tell me all your secrets’ didn’t seem a particularly proper thing to say. But ‘I saw what Shane did to you, I saw what that bastard d i d; please don’t ever go there again or I’m afraid I have to kill someone’ wasn’t either. For a moment I was about to randomly say ‘I want to slit Shane’s throat’, but that would have gotten him suspicious. And no matter how much I wanted to talk to him about it; I wasn’t ready to do so and I sure as fuck didn’t want to do it on the phone. 

So I patiently swallowed my emotions just because I was beginning to get good at that and settled with a vague “Oh, okay, that’s cool. Ah but what I really wanted to ask you about is this. Listen, you know Bob knows this one guy and his brother is a bouncer at that one rock club and yeah, on Thursday next week there is a pretty decent Jersey band playing – you know; punk rock kinda stuff. Yeah, and I wanted to ask you if you wanna come? I mean it’d be me, Bert, Bob, Alicia and maybe Carrie and her better half.” I all but held my breath waiting for him to answer. 

“I- yeah, why not?” – insert instant victory fist here – “I mean my Dad probably won’t- fuck it, I’m going anyways! So yeah, count me in!”  
The grin on my face was so wide it actually hurt. 

“Awesome! Okay so I see you at school, then! Oh wait, do you wanna hang out tomorrow?” I asked, chewing on my bottom lip. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t”, Gerard sounded so upset I instantly let the subject drop. 

“Okay, never mind; then see you on Monday! Bye!” I hung up and gave myself a moment before rolling over to think about how I could possibly rip Gerard from the clutches of his oppressive father and his abusive uncle. It gave me a roaring headache just to think about it; because I had absolutely no clue how I should manage all that. But I somehow felt compelled to do it; as if I’d given Gerard a silent promise.

 

\---

 

I grew slightly anxious by the time of Thursday because I hadn’t seen Gerard at school the whole week so far. Also, my constant itchiness and worried expression had alerted my friends. Especially Bert was practically sewn to my heels and more than determined to find out what was wrong with me. 

“Oh come on Frank, why the hell are you so shifty? If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re either full on drugs or hiding any and you wouldn’t do that to your good buddy now, would you?” Bert snickered and went to punch me in the shoulder when he noticed I wasn’t listening at all. “The fuck, man? Would you at least tell me what the hell you’re looking for all the time?” he snapped sounding pissed when I was scanning the lunch hall for like, the seventh time in a row. 

“Just shut up for once”, Bob said, sitting down beside Bert and placing his lunch tray in front of him. What was on it actually looked rather edible for once. It was some kind of meat and potato mash; but I didn’t feel like eating anyway. I didn’t even feel like trying today’s dessert – chocolate brownies.  
Bert huffed and leant back in his seat looking offended.  
“And what makes you the big psychologist all of a sudden, dickface?” he scowled at Bob who just shrugged and shoved a spoonful of mashed potato into his mouth before answering. “You really are an idiot sometimes, Bert”, like it was the most normal thing to say and Bert was just not seeing the obvious. Bert pursed his lips and glanced back and forth between Bob and me; waiting for an explanation I was not willing to give; a baffled look on his face.

Bob however only continued to munch on his pork or whatever the hell that was.  
“You are an idiot because you are so ignorant sometimes. He’s looking for Gerard ‘cause he hasn’t shown up at school this week.”

“So what”, Bert bitched; “we not good enough for him anymore?” I only kept track of the conversation with half of my senses but I could make out Bob not even dignifying that statement with an answer; he just calmly said “Because we know that his father beats him and hell knows what he might have done to him if he didn’t show up at school for days.”

“Oh”, was all Bert managed to utter sheepishly before shooting me a guilty glance. I didn’t like the way my stomach tightened at Bob’s words one. single. bit. It wasn’t that abnormal not to see Gerard during the week because the only subject we had together was Art; but he didn’t even show up at Art so that left me slightly worried. “Have you, uhm, tried to call him?” Bert asked cautiously. 

“Yeah”, I responded, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth until it felt raw and sore. Releasing it with a small pop I turned back to Bob and Bert. “I mean no; but we texted, so he has to be still alive at least-“

“Who has to be still alive at least?” a voice suddenly piped up behind me and I froze in mid-movement; unable to turn around. My eyes went insanely wide, so wide I feared for them to pop out of their sockets any second. When I heard Bert trying not-so-smoothly to cover up the fact that we had just been talking about Gerard mere seconds ago, I tried to calm my face so that the rollercoaster of emotions currently assaulting my brain wouldn’t show too much. I breathed in quickly before turning around to face him, but the tentative smile got stuck on my face as I took in the sight before me. Gerard was standing there shyly tugging at the sleeve of his hoodie whilst beaming at me in a way that lit up his eyes and probably set the whole lunch hall on fire in the process (or maybe that was just me). He then noticed my bewildered look and blushed a little; pointing at our table with his tray clutched tightly in his hands, muttering “Uh, c-can I?”; before blushing a lot more when Bob looked at him fondly and nodded once before turning back to his meal. 

Bert still appeared a little tense, but he relaxed a little when Alicia and Andrew went to join us. “Hey Gerard”; Alicia greeted him in a way that would have any stranger think they were old friends. “Where have you been during Geography; Mrs. Murphy said you were to hold a presentation on Monday!”

“Oh fuck!” Gerard smacked his head with his hand. “I totally forgot! Shit, I gotta talk to her before she decides to let me fail that goddamn course”, he quickly stood up and was about to leave when he suddenly turned on his heel, waving at everybody and mumbling “see you round, Frankie” in my direction before wandering off. Bert went to stare at me in a mixture of smugness and disbelief. Bob simply asked “Well he’s not gonna eat that anymore, right?” while grabbing Gerard’s plate and starting to happily devour his meal. 

I sat there for another minute figuring shit out before I hastily got up and called “sorry guys, see y’all later on!” and ran after Gerard; determined to get some answers out of him for once. 

 

\---

 

The music was blasting loudly from inside the club while we were freezing our asses off on the streets. The concert wasn’t about to begin for another twenty minutes but I was dying to get inside and have a few drinks to warm up. I glanced on my watch for the fourth time in the last ten seconds and sighed again. Bob was the only one standing outside with me waiting; the other guys had long gone in. 

I silently scolded myself; I really had to stop worrying about everything like an old granny, because it was starting to become notorious. But yeah, I couldn’t deny that I was in fact worried, because when Gerard had explained to me yesterday that the reason for his absence at school was him being sick; I didn’t quite believe it. Or, more precisely, I didn’t believe it to be the whole story. And now he was running late and with a father like his, one was more than likely to worry that he’d gotten grounded or worse.

But then suddenly there he was; swiftly walking past all the hyper kids lined up before the entrance. His face lit up when he saw me. 

“You’re looking really good, Frankie!” 

Bob pretended not to hear anything; but I could totally have given that compliment back, because he was looking amazing. He was wearing black again from head to toe (I really doubt that I’ll ever see him in another color) except for a blood red bandana he had wrapped around his wrist, which gave him a really rough edge. He smiled at me; but I could see drying streaks of tears on his face that made me frown again. 

“Gee, did anything happen? With your Dad?” I asked; trying to overtone the blasting music. Gerard just shook his head no and set his jaw defiantly.

He shot back “No, nothing happened; everything is alright and now can we just go in I wanna blow off some steam!”, before grabbing my sleeve and dragging me after him while Bob’s bouncer friend ushered us through. 

 

I could however not bite back the feeling that was building inside my stomach. The sick feeling of something very clearly n o t being alright, no matter what the fuck Gerard said. 

 

I just hoped to God that he had brought up a plausible excuse at home for his absence or I literally feared hell to break loose.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is my favorite chapter so far. ^.^

The concert was awesome. The band itself was okay, mediocre at best; but they put their fucking heart into their performance. The way the singer poured his soul into practically screaming into the mic; the way the guitarist almost shredded his fingers bloody; the way the whole audience heated up and just went crazy – there are no proper words for how amazing that felt. That’s why I love going to concerts; you just share that feeling of freedom and resistance against any fucking thing that’s trying to hold you down with complete strangers and it’s indescribable; even if only temporary. The whole club was so stuffed with people it was threatening to burst; the music was fucking loud and the crowd was sweaty and you had to pay close attention so no one either spilled their drink on you or accidentally set you on fire with their cigarette.

We lost Bob almost at the entrance and if Gerard wasn’t still tightly gripping the sleeve of my jacket I’d sure as hell lost him as well. When he turned back to face me his eyes were blazing and his insanely wide grin blinded me despite the dim red and orange lights. 

“Thanks!” he screamed; but it was barely audible over the noise of the music. 

“What?” I screamed back; cupping my ear with my hand and motioning for him to speak up. He only threw his head back laughing and it made me want to kiss the shit out of him.

“I said thanks! Thanks for bringing me here; this is exactly what I need right now!” He looked me directly in the eye and I was glad for the dim lights because I was sure I was blushing like hell.  
All of a sudden getting bold I winked at him and offered him a smirk, only causing him to smile even wider. I couldn’t recall ever having seen him that happy and I found out quite spontaneously that making Gerard happy was rapidly becoming my new number one goal in life. I gestured for the bar, leaning over closer to shout “I’m gonna get us something to drink; just wait here and if you happen to see one of the guys ask them where they’re hiding their asses!”  
Gerard nodded and leant back against the wall; watching me as I merged into the crowd. 

Reaching the bar had been actually more of a task than I had expected thanks to all the bodies grinding together on the small dancefloor. I also caught glimpse of several really hot girls. One of them walked over to me and casually leant against the wooden surface of the bar. 

“Two beers”, she called over to the bartender, a tall and intimidating looking guy named Fred – if his nametag was to be believed(and what the hell, since when did bartenders wear nametags?) – who only nodded in response. 

“Nice tattoos”, the girl noted; shaking her jet black hair out of her face. I grinned at her.

“Thanks, I’m planning on getting a lot more.” She pulled her crimson lips into a knowing smile. 

“Yeah, I bet. I’m Jamia; you here alone?”

“Frank. And no, I’m here with a bunch of friends.” A shiver ran down my spine when she leant over to whisper in my ear. Well, not actually whisper ‘cause I would have had no chance of understanding a thing but more like talking room volume; which, considering the noise level in the club felt a lot like whispering.  
“Well, Frank. Nice meeting you; maybe we’ll see each other again later!” She winked at me once before grabbing her beers and melting back into the crowd. Fuck, if that wasn’t the single hottest girl I’ve ever seen!

 

I still felt a little dazed from my encounter with Jamia by the time I reached Gerard, who was currently downing some shots with a random guy I didn’t know. Like, what the hell?  
“Frankieeeee!” he called over happily; suddenly throwing himself at me and almost pushing us both over.  
“The fuck”, I laughed; “don’t spill our fucking drinks!” He only giggled in response, snatching the cup from my hands. 

“That’s Matt by the way; his band is playing later on! Matt, this is Frank”, he gestured at the guy standing behind him who grinned at me over the rim of his cup. He was taller than me and good looking and the way he was currently watching Gerard didn’t appeal to me at fucking all. 

“Your boyfriend can down shots like no one I’ve seen before; it’s been five in a few minutes so far” Matt-the-asshole was casually mentioning around the cigarette he just stuck between his lips. I really shouldn’t have felt that jealous when Gerard leant over in order to give him a light because God, I had just flirted with a hot chick at the bar; who was I to judge?

I was momentarily so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even fully realized what Matt had just referred us to.  
“He’s not-“, Gerard stammered, blushing furiously; “he’s not my boyfriend!” I was actually surprised that it hurt a little to hear that even though I’d probably denied it myself if I had paid attention. 

“Well; good for me then, eh?” Matt smirked and now I really felt the urge to punch him in the face. He took one final drag and then flicked his cigarette somewhere between the dancing people. “Alright guys, hope you’ll enjoy the show and maybe I’ll see you later, Gerard”, he said; flashing Gerard a brief smile before strolling off. I couldn’t help feeling a little pissed so I downed my vodka; not even making a face at the burning feeling. 

To be honest, I wasn’t that surprised. Gerard really was hot; especially tonight with his tight black pants and that ridiculously sexy red bandana still wrapped tightly around his wrist; so it was no wonder he had guys after him. But attractive, tall and in-a-fucking-band-kinda guys? That was just unfair. And it wasn’t like we were in a relationship or anything so I couldn’t even stop him if he decided to leave with that Matt-ass.  
Hang on a moment - what was I thinking; I knew Gerard wasn’t that kind of guy. 

For a while we just stood there side by side, watching all the scene kids go out of their minds to the songs the band was smashing at them from the stage. After some time and lots of drinks Gerard leaned his head against my shoulder.  
“I really fucking love that band”, he slurred, sipping on his I-fucking-lost-count-of-them-drink before turning back to me and hooking his fingers in my belt loops; getting his face dangerously close and our crotches even closer.  
“Let’s dance”, he purred into my ear, mouthing at my neck; and suddenly I was really afraid of any of the guys walking by that very moment and catching glimpse of us. I gently peeled Gerard off me and decided to ignore the hurt look in his face.

He obviously decided not to let it go that quickly however, and re-attached his lips to my neck.  
“Then let’s make out, come on”, his voice was raspy from all the previous screaming and shouting along to the songs. Suddenly the blasting music seemed even more deafening than before. I wriggled away and felt him tense. When I turned back his eyes were blazing with fury.  
He looked downright ferocious. 

“What’s your fucking problem?” he hissed.

“I- nothing! It’s just, fuck, Gee, I-“ I wrung my hands in exasperation. 

“So what? I’m good enough to fucking blow you in your house and be your little bitch where no one can see us but not in public, eh?” he spat the words with so much venom it made me cringe involuntarily. 

“What the- Gerard, no, it’s not like that, I-“, I defended myself half-heartedly because to my own shame I had to admit he was partially right. I was just fucking glad for the loud music so no one was able to hear us. And so far Gerard hadn’t made that much of a scene for anyone else to notice. 

“I get it. Frank you’re such a hypocrite; I should have fucking k n o w n from the beginning! Fuck you!” Gerard spat and shot me one last nasty stare before he whirled around and stomped off.  
Motherfucker! 

I already felt the anger boiling up in my guts; why did that stupid fuck always have to be such a goddamn drama queen; why couldn’t he for fucking once give me the fucking option to defend myself? I was raging as I rushed through the crowd in the opposite direction; jostling every goddamn fucker that was unlucky enough to get in my way.

 

I almost bumped into Jamia, who was standing at a small table with two other girls.  
“Watch out, wild boy”, she snickered before taking in the murderous look in my eyes. “Whoa, what the hell happened, you look like you’re about to kill someone-“, she began but was cut off when I grabbed her and furiously crashed our lips together. She was taken aback for a heartbeat but recovered quickly; grabbing the collar of my shirt and pulling me closer.  
My brain wasn’t 100% functioning properly, but it felt amazing anyways. Jamia was hot and her lips were soft and I could take over control without having to fucking worry about every single damn thing and it was just so good to blow off steam. I pushed her further until her back hit the dirty wall full of band posters and condom ads that covered it. When I finally had to break the kiss to gasp for air she looked at me; considering for a second. 

“You kiss like someone who’s feeling guilty.” she stated dryly. I was confused. I didn’t know what she was referring to, but I didn’t care. I didn’t feel like talking so it was a lot of kissing and groping most of the time. I knew that up to some point I was using her, but I was sure that up to some point she was doing the same. After an eternity of making out and some more drinks Bert suddenly came over, looking mildly surprised to find me and Jamia still pressed against the grubby wall.  
I reluctantly pulled away when I saw him approaching us; allowing Jamia to adjust her skirt and brush her hair behind her ear. 

“There you are, motherfucker; we’ve been looking for you the whole evening!” Bert bolted and slapped me on the shoulder. “Who’s that smoking hookup of yours?” he asked, smirking at Jamia who only smirked back, nonchalantly giving him the finger. If I hadn’t been currently so confused over Gerard I’d probably fallen in love then and there.  
“Jamia- Bert; Bert- Jamia”, I gestured around while Jamia was leaning over to gently nibble at my throat, muttering “I really love that neck tattoo…”  
Bert leant over to my other side, muttering “Jeez Frankie; well done in hooking up with the hottest chick in the goddamn club!” I just grinned at him and was about to turn my attention back to Jamia when Bert suddenly asked “you know where your buddy Gerard is?”  
“Nope”, I shrugged. No, I didn’t know and frankly, I couldn’t care less. 

Or so I thought. 

“Well then this is gonna interest you”, Bert said, “Cuz he’s currently making out with the fucking singer of the last band that was playing-“ I bolted around.  
“He’s- WHAT?”

“Yeah, I know, right? So he’s really gay, I thought that was just a rumor-“ Bert choked out a surprised cough as I grabbed the collar of his shirt and smashed him against the wall in the blink of an eye.  
“Where?” I snarled and he put his hands up in defense.  
“Near the bathroom; Jesus, get your hands off me you freak, are you nuts? Fuck off!” I loosened my grip on him and stepped back. My whole head was spinning and I couldn’t form one clear thought.  
Except of how I was going to find Gerard, rip that son of a bitch off him and slit his fucking throat right afterwards. 

It felt weird; all the adrenaline pulsating in my veins and fighting the booze in my system which was trying to calm me down and make me lazy; but the adrenaline was having none of it; it was rushing so fast I feared for my heard to burst through my ribcage before I even got there. 

When I finally saw them; Matt, the son of a bitch, was busy with sucking the world’s biggest hickey into the pale flesh of Gerard’s throat. Gerard himself just hung there; pressed up against the wall; eyes closed and mouth slack. To say I was out for blood would have been a big understatement. I’d never been one for caveman behavior; but right then I couldn’t help it. I literally ripped Matt off Gerard who yelped in surprise; spun him around and shoved him hard against a couple of other people. 

“What the hell?” Matt hissed. “You have an urgent deathwish, motherfucker?”

“Just get. the. Fuck .away. from. him.”, I growled, breathing heavily. Matt looked like clearly considering to beat the shit out of me for a minute before he straightened up, adjusting his jacket; snidely snapping “Whatever, that little bitch isn’t even worth the trouble” with a sideglance at Gerard. It made me see red once again, but before I could do anything; Gerard actually stepped forward and brought his knee right up into Matt’s crotch, snarling “Greetings from ‘that little bitch’” whilst putting on the sassiest expression known to man.  
I really was a little lovestruck right there. 

It was all pure mayhem from then on. The crowd was parting as Matt was crashing down onto the floor, howling and clutching his groin while screaming “You will live to regret this you bitch!”  
Then somewhere a girl was shrieking over the still blasting music when some other guys obviously in the mood for a good brawl started smashing each other’s faces in and someone spilled his drink over my leg; but what alerted me the most were the bouncers ushering through the crowd in our direction at a dangerously fast pace. Gerard reacted thankfully quickly; dragging me into the dingy bathroom and locking us in the nearest stall. 

 

In there it was so narrow that we were pressed together almost too close for comfort and it was hot and awkward at the same time and I was sweating and I could still feel the goddamn adrenaline rushing through my veins.  
Gerard stared at me for an agonizingly long moment before hugging his torso with his own arms and gritting out “What is your problem? What the hell do you want?” He sounded really hurt. 

The truth was, I didn’t know. My senses seemed so over-sensitive it made me dizzy. The flickering neon lights above us; the slick stickiness of the ceramic tiles beneath us; the sharpie-scribbled obscenities around us – it all burned into my brain.  
“You”, I whispered finally. I only slurred a little. “I want you.”

Gerard continued to stare at me with his hypnotizing eyes that looked oddly greenish in the dim neon light. He seemed to search for something in my gaze; maybe a hint of dishonesty; I don’t remember.  
I just remember the way he melted into my touch when I crushed our mouths together and pushed him up against the grimy wall. I remember the way he slid his tongue against my lower lip and how tight his grip on my shirt was. I remember the way my sweaty palms slid against the sleek fabric of his leather jacket and how weird it was to me; even in that very moment; that I was so hopelessly turned on despite the grossness of that dirty club restroom.  
I also remember how we kissed as if our lives depended on it and how amazing it was even though it was messy and sloppy and with too much teeth. 

I bowed down to lick a wet stripe around the awfully bright hickey that jerk had left on his pale neck and relished in the needy moan that escaped Gerard’s lips. When I looked back up at him his cheeks were flushed, his eyes wide and his short platinum hair so ridiculously disheveled; but he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. 

 

“If you want me”, he drawled after some time; breathing heavily, “then why are you hesitating?”  
I let out a sigh of frustration and fisted my hands in my hair. I was only now realizing how drunk I really was and that particular conversation only made my head hurt.  
“I don’t’-fuck, I don’t know!” I choked out. “Just give me some time…”  
Gerard watched me with a considering look on his face but exactly when he was about to open his mouth to say something; some ass began to frantically knock on the door of the stall we were squished into.  
“Occupied, motherfucker; go shit somewhere else!” I called, but was surprised when I could hear Bert answer.  
“There you are, for fuck’s sake, Frank! We’ve been looking for you like crazy; is Gerard with you?”

“Yeah”, I called back and Gerard peeled himself off me, readjusting his clothes; unlocking the door and pushing it open. Bert stood there; shifting uneasily. It made me kind of suspicious that he didn’t even say anything as to why we were stuffed into one bathroom stall together. 

“Then let’s get the hell out of here; everyone is out for blood ‘cause some asshole started a fight and now every single kid in the whole club is involved and the bouncers can’t control it any longer! The cops are gonna be here any minute and I really don’t wanna get busted so move your fucking asses!”  
Gerard and I didn’t hesitate; we practically burst out the restroom and back into the club. The image that enrolled itself before us was pretty chaotic. Smashed glass and bottles littered the floor so it creaked with every taken step. People were equally either fucking off as fast as they could or shoving each other around. Thankfully Matt-the-jerk was nowhere to be seen. 

“The others?” I yelled; dodging a random kid about to bump into me. 

“Long pissed off, I stayed behind to get you; now get going!” Bert yelled back.

 

By the time we hit the streets we were all clutching our stomachs and laughing like madmen.  
“Jesus, what a night!” Bert sighed; leaning against a brick wall beside him. He then glanced on his watch and groaned. “Shiiiit, it’s almost five! Yo guys, I gotta get home and sober up; if I miss school tomorrow my Mom is never ever gonna let me go out again!”  
I chuckled and fist-bumped him.  
“Well, then get your ass home, loser!” Bert flipped me off and waved at Gerard before jogging off into the night.

“Shit, let’s go!” I ‘whispered’ a tad too loudly when I heard police sirens coming in the distance – I was admittedly feeling a little deaf. Gerard only giggled when I dragged him along. A few blocks away from the club we stopped in out tracks. It was snowing lightly again and it was starting to get really fucking cold. Gerard zipped up his jacket and unwrapped his bandana from his right wrist to loop it around his neck instead. I reached forward and put it up his nose so it covered his mouth.  
“There, now you look like some feisty wild west bandit!” He giggled hoarsely and put it back down.

“Thanks”, he muttered and quickly pecked my cheek. “This was an awesome night.”  
I smiled sheepishly and watched him walk away until he vanished around the next corner. 

I could still feel that peck on my cheek even when I was long lying in my bed.

 

\---

 

The sound of my phone buzzing mercilessly ripped me from my precious sleep the next morning. I decided to ignore it and rolled over, sighing contently. The goddamn phone however, decided to ring again. I groaned, but still made no effort to answer it.  
The third time the annoying ringtone cut through the room I was about to snap the shit out of whoever was at the other end of the line when I saw the caller ID.  
It was Gerard.  
I rubbed my eyes and picked up the call; smiling. 

“Hello?” I drawled lazily and flopped back on my bed. 

“Frank?” A shrill, panic-stricken voice suddenly pierced my ear. “Is there Frank speaking?” the voice was barely comprehendible because the person who owned it was sniveling and whimpering loudly into the speaker. I jolted up in bed, feeling disgustingly awake in the blink of an eye.  
Something was just not right.

“What? Yeah, who’s this?” I asked; my brain still not functioning properly. 

“IS THIS FRANK IERO?” the person on the other end screamed through tears and it sounded so distressed it tore my heart out. 

“YES! Yes, for fuck’s sake it is; it’s me, Frank! What happened, who- Mikey?” I felt my heart sink and the blood leaving my head. I’m sure I went as pale as a bedsheet.  
I could hear Mikey hiccup between his frantic sobs before he choked out “My brother, it’s Gee, he- my D-Dad, my Dad g-got angry and I-I’ve never seen him so angry before and h-he didn’t stop; he always stops BUT THIS TIME HE DIDN’T and his a-arm; his arm is standing away so awkwardly and th-there-“, he broke out into sobs again.  
I felt like either throwing up or passing out. I wanted to say something but all that left my throat was an ugly gargling noise. 

“W-what should I do, there is so m-much blood, Frank, SO MUCH FUCKING BLOOD!”  
I wanted to scream. 

“Please c-can you come over p-please I didn’t know who else to c-call and he’s not m-moving and PLEASE HELP ME!” Mikey cried desperately.

 

I felt numb. I felt as if someone had just shot me and life was draining out of my body. I clutched my stomach and moved to stare at my hands as if there was actually blood dripping from them while Mikey cried on the phone.

 

Then I threw up.


	16. Chapter 16

I barely recall wiping my chin and splashing cold water onto my face. I stared at my own reflection in the smudgy bathroom mirror; gripping onto the porcelain sink so hard my knuckles turned white, but it didn’t keep my hands from trembling.   
I knew if I wanted to be of any use for either Mikey or Gerard I had to calm myself down and I had to do it quickly. My own reflection disgusted me so much it made me want to smash the mirror. That pasty looking guy with the heavy dark circles and the stringy dark hair wasn’t me.   
I rubbed my stinging eyes with my wet hands and turned my gaze back to my reflection, watching the dim light of the bathroom cast weird shadows on my face. I jerked out of my lethargy a second later.  
What was I still doing here? 

Without second thoughts I slipped on some jeans and boots and headed outside. It wasn’t before I was already five blocks or so from home when I realized I was still only in my pajama shirt. I don’t think I ever ran that fast before in my life; after a few minutes my heart was pounding against my chest and my shirt was sticking to my back, soaked in sweat.  
When I came to a skittering halt on the icy concrete in front of Gerard’s house my lungs were hurting so bad I couldn’t even manage to catch my breath.   
There was no need for me to ring the doorbell; Mikey ripped the door open before I could even step into action. The sight he gave was utterly devastating. His face was smeared with tears and snot, his eyes were swollen and red from all the crying and he looked a little unsteady on his feet.  
There was blood on his hands. 

Oddly enough; that seemed to be exactly the kind of mental slap I needed to calm myself down and keep my cool. For a moment I had the impulse to step over and draw Mikey into a tight hug; but he didn’t seem like it. He seemed like it cost every fiber of his being to keep himself together and I feared that he’d break down if I touched him right then, so I decided to let it be.   
Instead, I stepped over the threshold and immediately heard shards of glass creaking beneath the soles of my boots.   
“W-wh-“, I cleared my throat and tried regulating my breath. My voice was shaking a little as I spoke. “Where is he?”  
Mikey turned around without a word and vanished into the living room. I rushed after him as quickly as I could but no matter how much I had braced myself to what sight would await me; I had not expected to be met with a scene that gruesome. 

Gerard was lying on his back on the floor in a pool of shattered glass that obviously once belonged to a coffee table. My stomach almost turned at the sight of his right arm standing away from his body in an awkward, unnatural angle – I was sure it was broken. I fell to my knees beside him and dropped my head to his chest; sighing in relief as I heard a steady heartbeat and saw him breathing.  
His eyelashes fluttered weakly against his bloody cheeks so he didn’t seem to be unconscious and I was fucking grateful for it because who the fuck knew if he had a concussion and I had seen for myself what concussions can do if the victim lost consciousness. At first Mikey just stood behind me awkwardly, staring at his bloody hands. 

“Why didn’t you call 911?” I asked calmly; not turning facing him. Apart from Gerard’s arm I could only make out superficial injuries like bruises and cuts from the glass that littered his skin and a badly looking split lip. Mikey didn’t answer.   
I shot up from the floor and grabbed him by the shoulders; shaking him.   
“WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL AN AMBULANCE? IT’S YOUR FUCKING BROTHER AND YOU CALL M E? WE NEED AN AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW, OR-“

“N-no”, came a croaky voice from the floor. Mikey just kept staring at me with empty eyes; seemingly void of any emotion. I let go of him and whirled around; dropping back to my knees.  
“Gee, what the hell; I’m calling an ambulance right fucking now-“

“NO”, Gerard yelled and then winced in pain. “You c-can’t let them find me here; d-drag me outside and s-say I got mugged” He was breathing hard and ragged and he looked like it was difficult for him to keep his eyes open.

“No way”, I choked out; feeling the tears well up in my eyes. “There’s no fucking way I’m gonna drag you outside like some fucking ragdoll; what if I touch your arm and-“

“We have to.” Mikey suddenly interrupted me.

“THE FUCK WE HAVE”, I screamed. “I’m calling an ambulance now and then I’m gonna call the cops and make sure your bastard of a father gets arrested and never sees the light of day again!” I was already fumbling around in my back pocket; frantically searching for my phone.   
“We can’t”, Mikey said; sounding completely void of emotion again. “We can’t because it’ll only get worse. Even if he does get arrested for now; he’ll get free again, it’s only a matter of time. And then they’ll see how our family is like and”, he began to sound distressed; “-and send us to a youth home and they’re gonna split us up and I’m gonna have to be with a foster family and-“, he was crying hysterically again. I threw my hands up in the air in an act of exasperation. I realized I couldn’t do much but drop it at that very moment; but inwardly I was determined to report this incident to the authorities, no matter what either Gerard or Mikey said. 

So we finally did what I still hate myself for having done – we actually dragged Gerard outside and around the next corner and leant him against a wall. I called 911 while Mikey curled up against his brother; deliberately paying attention on not touching his injured arm and spoke to him softy. The most of it were incomprehensible mutterings, but they seemed to soothe both him and his older brother, because Gerard’s breathing got less erratic after some time. 

“F-Frankie”, he croaked out. I carefully brushed my hand through his short hair – not even daring to properly touch him. He had never looked so vulnerable; so b r e a k a b l e before; his too pale skin and too light hair making the obnoxious redness of the smeared blood on his cheeks and still lazily dropping from his nose and spit lips stood out too bright against it. He crooked his lips into a tiny smile. 

“Is that Dawn of the Dead?” I was confused for a second and didn’t even realize what he was referring to. Then I realized my bare arms and remembered wearing only my pajama shirt. I bit back my tears and smiled in return.   
“Shh Gee, the ambulance is gonna be here in a sec.”

 

When it finally arrived I had a short and heated argument with the fucking paramedics who insisted that only one of us could come with Gerard to the hospital. It ended abruptly however with paramed asshole #1 smashing the car door right in front of my face and Mikey pressing his hands against it from the inside with an utterly terrified look etched on his face. 

I considered hitchhiking for a minute but trashed the thought a second later; shaking my head. I felt better after alleviating my anger by kicking my still booted foot against the metal surface of a mailbox; relishing in the bump I left with a satisfied grunt. An elderly woman who passed me hissed something about the oh-so-destructive youth full of upheld aggressions and what the hell; I just flipped her off to underline her intolerant opinion. 

Fuck it; I had to get to the goddamned hospital right fucking now! I turned around to scan my surroundings; shielding my eyes with my hands from the heavy snowflakes that started falling because fuck the luck; obviously. When I laid eyes on the bike leaning against the garage of the nearest ‘suburban dream home’ as my Mom would have called it; I didn’t hesitate a single second. 

 

\---

 

“And you’re sure that’s how it happened?” the police officer with the awkward haircut asked me for the third time; bushy eyebrow quirked up in disbelief.   
“Yeah, that’s exactly how it happened”, I grit out. I had never been a particularly good liar and the story Mikey and I quietly made up for the cops made me recoil inwardly. The police officer sighed and rubbed his temples. 

“Very well”, he concluded; seemingly annoyed by me and my fucking fairytale of a story. A teenager getting beaten up in the middle of a rather posh neighborhood during the bright light of day with all the housewives out to do the groceries and their husbands on their way to work and not one fucking eye witness? That added to the fact that neither Mikey nor me were injured and Gerard had cut wounds caused by glass and glass was nowhere to be seen where we ‘found’ him beaten up by a group of youths no one had even seen there was no way the cop wouldn’t at least be a little suspicious. He had tried speaking to Mikey before, but he had shut down completely; only staring at the wall and asking the nurses over and over again when he would be able to see his brother. 

Officer bushy-eyebrows sighed again and slumped down beside me onto one of the plastic stools in the waiting lounge of the emergency room. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye; he looked stern but kind. He had laugh lines around the corners of his mouth.  
“Look kid”, he began once again; sounding a little tired. “I know what happens in some families; and I want no one to have to endure that. If your friend hasn’t gotten beaten up by a group of rogue youths; if there was something different to it-“, he paused and watched me closely but I didn’t dare facing him. I continued staring at the wall; my lips pressed together tightly into a thin line.   
“If someone in his family did it”, the cop tried again with a slight bit more pressure in his voice this time, “then I’ll have to make sure they never do it again. I’ll have to arrest them and ensure they never touch him again. But you have to tell me so I can do that, you understand? In order for me to arrest them, you have to tell me what really happened.”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from spluttering the truth. But I had promised Gerard. I wanted to cry out in anger but I stayed silent, blinking furiously. The officer laid his hand on my shoulder in a way that should have been reassuring but it only made me tense up even more.   
“Son”, he said; obviously trying for one last time. “Was Gerard beaten up by one of his parents?”  
I didn’t utter a word for a long while before finally swallowing hard and then muttering   
“No.”

The officer let go of my shoulder. “You know, kid”, he said, sounding disappointed; “lying to the police can get ya into trouble; just want you to keep that in the back of your mind”, before standing up from the creaking plastic stool in one swift motion. Before he left, he handed me a small card.   
“In case you feel like adding anything to your story; call me, son.” He then put back on his cap and walked off to talk to one of the nurses. 

As soon as he was gone I allowed myself to relax and flex my hurting hands; I hadn’t even realized I was balling them into fists so tight my blunt nails painfully dug into my skin. 

\---

After a while a doctor came out of Gerard’s room and walked towards us. Mikey shot to his feet right beside me while I slowly rose from my seat. I noticed his trembling hands and grabbed one of them. As soon as I tangled my fingers with his he squeezed my hand so tight I thought he was going to cut off the blood flow. He was worrying his lip with his teeth and there were tears in his eyes but he bravely held the doctor’s gaze. 

“You must be Mikey, right? I’m Dr. Rogen.” The doctor talked to him in a soft, but distant voice. A voice that suggested ‘I’m feeling with you but this is also just another nameless patient to me’ in its undertone. Mikey nodded eagerly.   
“Your brother was very lucky, Mikey. He has a dislocated shoulder as well as some minor injuries like cuts and bruises; but nothing too serious. His split lip needed stitching and we would like to keep him overnight because he has a slight concussion, but-“, he rushed to add as he saw Mikey’s face faltering; “nothing bad, no internal bleedings. He is asleep now, but if you want, you can see him.”  
Mikey didn’t need to be told twice; he circled the doctor and vanished into the room the nurse motioned for him to enter. 

I stayed back because the doctor looked at me in a way that made me shift uneasily from one foot to the other.   
“He was really very lucky”, he added in a serious voice. I turned away.   
“You are his friend, right? Look; he received a few severe blows to the lower abdomen and he’s lucky he has got no internal bleedings.” He fixed me with his gaze, obviously waiting for a response but I only grit my teeth.   
“Listen, I have no particular saying in this, but I doubt that this was the result of a street brawl. I need to know if we are dealing with domestic violence here-“, he continued and I flinched; “because it is my duty as a doctor to inform Gerard’s parents of their son’s condition immediately. And I want to know if I by any chance inform someone who already k n o w s about his injuries. Someone who already knows because he was the one who caused them.”

I swallowed hard because my throat suddenly felt dry like the desert. I was trying so hard to keep myself from crumbling beneath the doctor’s stern gaze. After a while of silence he sighed in defeat just like the police officer had done and just said “alright, you may see him now.”

Seems like everyone was disappointed in me that day. 

 

Gerard looked so fragile and young, almost like a child against the too white hospital sheets he was tucked into. His lashes fluttered slightly against his pale cheeks and his chest rose and sunk with his steady breathing. Mikey had halfway crawled onto the hospital bed and was curled up tightly against his brother’s body. When Gerard suddenly twitched in his sleep he only clutched onto him tighter.   
I sat down awkwardly in a plush armchair in the corner of the room, not sure what to do with myself. They must have set Gerard’s shoulder because his arm was looking anatomically correct again. I had let out a breath of relief I hadn’t been aware I’d held when I heard that nothing was broken. Also; the doctor had said ‘no internal bleedings’ and that ‘he was lucky’. Yeah well, I couldn’t quite see the luck; Gerard’s body looked like a battlefield – his face and arms were littered with cuts and bruises and he must have been in immense pain. Obviously he had passed out right after the orthopedist had put his shoulder back into place. 

I drew my knees up to my body and rested my chin on them; hugging my legs and watching Mikey cuddle his big brother. I must have dozed off at some time because when I woke up again it was almost noon. Two voices were talking right outside the door. I blinked the sleep away and tried to sharpen my senses in order to catch a glimpse of the conversation going on outside. 

“-no he isn’t awake, he is still sleeping; and no, I don’t think it is a good idea when you go in right now, but feel free to wait in the room on the right hand side at the end of the aisle; we will make sure to get you when he wakes up, Sir.” I reckon this was the tiny female nurse from before who had looked so sympathetically at Mikey that I thought she was gonna hug him to death at any second. 

“What do you mean, wait? I don’t have time for that; I want to see my son and I want to see him right now and by all respect, ‘madam’; I won’t let a nurse stop me.”   
I subconsciously balled my fists; I knew too well who the owner of that voice was. It was the one man whose throat I was dreaming of latching my fingers onto and squeezing way too often lately. 

“I’m sorry Sir, but I can’t let you enter that room; you’d have to talk to Dr. Rogen first-“

“Then get me that goddamn doctor! And somebody tell me what happened to my son in the first place!” Then approaching footsteps could be heard and the next second Dr. Rogen was talking.  
“Is there a problem, Maria?”

“No Sir, I was just informing Mr. Way that he can’t see his son right now and that he’d may wait in the waiting room-“

“Thank you Maria”, Dr. Rogen cut her off. “Please check on Miss Williams in 22.” I was practically pressed against the door by now. As soon as the sound of Maria’s footsteps had dissolved, the doctor turned back to Gerard’s father.   
“Mr. Way”, he said in a calm but cold voice. I noticed with a grim satisfaction that he wasn’t friendly or soothing at all with Gerard’s Dad as he filled him in on the details of his son’s case.   
“-and that is why I’m not going to release Gerard until tomorrow afternoon at earliest. Your son was really lucky, Mr. Way. Whoever assaulted him did so in a very cruel and reckless way; he almost got internal bleedings from the severity of the blows. Do you know by any chance; who that could have been?” I sucked in a sharp breath and held it; the whole air seemed to tense and become static.   
I gripped tightly onto the armrest of my chair; the feeling of a mere spark about to ignite a fucking hellfire right outside the room rumbling in my gut. 

“Are you suggesting something here, doctor?” Gerard’s Dad responded; a sharp undertone to his voice that cut through the air like a knife. “because that would be funny; since I haven’t even heard the story yet.”  
I was honestly impressed that Dr. Rogen stood his ground – Gerard’s father was downright intimidating.  
“I just want to make sure that I’m not dealing with any kind of domestic violence here, Mr. Way; that’s all. It’s part of the routine, I’m afraid.”

While I was eavesdropping, Mikey had woken up and was now staring at me questioningly.   
“Is that Dad?” he mouthed. I nodded, turning my head back to the conversation. 

“Are you accusing me of anything here, doctor?” Donald Way’s voice got even more terrifying as he went on; “because if you do you might as well tell it to my lawyer.”  
Silence. After a while of what I assumed had been a staring contest between the two men, Dr. Rogen finally said “I am not accusing anyone here. I’d just like you to know that the two officers who were here a few hours ago would like to ask you a few questions; but I’m sure they will give you a call.”, before he walked off. 

The impromptu turn of the doorknob that followed had Mikey jerking up in bed. He immediately folded himself around the unconscious form of his brother as if to protect him.   
I sat up in my chair right before the door opened quietly and Gerard’s father stepped into my line of sight.

He hadn’t even taken two full steps in Gerard’s direction when Mikey shot up in bed and hissed “Don’t you dare touch him! Don’t you dare get near him!”  
Gerard’s father, who obviously hadn’t realized my presence yet; actually stopped in his tracks, his expression stern.   
“I didn’t mean to”, he choked out and I flinched. What the hell? His voice had just actually sounded a little strangled and this was the first goddamn human reaction I ever saw from that man.   
Mikey glared at him with an unspeakable amount of disgust in his gaze and hopelessly tried to fight back his tears.   
“You almost killed him-“, it was nothing more than a whisper. “You almost killed him and then you just left.”

Gerard’s father took a while before answering “I didn’t mean to.” and turning to leave. When he turned around however, his gaze flickered over to me still hunched on the cushioned armchair in the corner of the room.  
A few expressions; from nasty over hostile to downright horrifying crossed his face; but he must have remembered where he was and that he couldn’t really make a scene without getting the doctors and nurses even more suspicious so he just settled with glaring a silent threat at me and left quickly.  
I closed my eyes and let out a relieved sigh as soon as he was gone. 

\---

Thankfully the following day – the day Gerard got out of hospital – was a Saturday; because I wasn’t sure how to cover up for more skipped days at school. I had sent both Bob and Bert quick explanatory texts, which of course left them worried, but I had decided for myself not to keep them in the dark anymore. 

I was actually surprised that they dismissed Gerard with nothing more than an admittedly rather impressive collection of various painkillers and good advice.   
When the three of us finally stepped out of the building, a cold breeze was blowing. Gerard sighed and allowed Mikey to grab his left hand tight; his whole right arm was still hurting although he insisted that he could move it just fine. 

“Thanks for getting me”, he mumbled after some moment. 

“Sure thing”, I replied; taken aback by how distant my own voice sounded. 

“I mean, you didn’t have to, Frankie”, Gerard said. 

“But I did, now let’s get going”, I replied; not facing anyone in particular. Gerard dropped his shoulders and shrunk into himself.   
After a while of silent walking he muttered “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for getting you involved Frank, you have no idea-“

“Yeah, you know what, save it!” I snapped. I knew I was being unfair and I hated how hurt Gerard looked but I had to admit I was pissed. 

“I’m sorry”, he whispered again. 

“Okay now, would you please stop fucking apologizing”, I said, voice monotone.

“No, would you please stop giving my brother shit for something that’s not his fucking fault?” Mikey hissed. Gerard squeezed his hand in order to stop him but to no avail.   
“So what, you’re suggesting it isn’t his fucking fault we made up a fucking lie in order to protect a child-beating asshole?” I yelled; letting out my frustration all at once. 

“You didn’t have to-“, Mikey snapped defiantly.

“Of course I fucking had to, Mikey; you were the one who called in the first place, remember? Look, I’m not even pissed about how you’ve made me lie to the goddamn police but it makes me fucking sick that I had to protect your fucking Dad and I just don’t get it!”

I didn’t even want to admit to myself how fucking frustrated the whole thing made me really feel. Taking a deep breath I decided to back away before I said something I would later regret. 

“I think you’ll make it home on your own…” I despised how tired and worn out I sounded. 

“O-okay” Gerard’s voice broke. He looked so goddamn sad; I got the urge to punch him. And then I wanted to punch myself because the person I was really mad at wasn’t him – it was me. 

“See you on Monday, Gee”, I said, glancing at him for a moment before turning away, kicking a small stone on the concrete and muttering “and if this thing with us is ever supposed to be working out, you’ve got a lot to explain.”   
I didn’t wait for either him or Mikey to respond anything; I simply shoved my hands into my pockets and walked off without looking back.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longass chapter, but it had to be. Imagine Patrick Stump singing "And I'm so sorry, but not really" ;D

“Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to you?” Shane whistled through his teeth when Gerard opened the creaky shop door and stepped in. “And why the heck are you showing up only now? You were supposed to be fucking working last Saturday! And Monday! Hey fucker, I’m talking to you!” he yelled when Gerard ignored him and vanished into the employee room to stuff his bag into the small locker. He was sure he must have been quite the sight. Dark, purplish bruises were littering his face as well as several tiny cuts and his lip was still red and a little swollen although it’s been days since he was released from the hospital. He was also wincing in pain every time he moved his right arm in a wrong way which was why he secretly had increased the dose of his painkillers. 

Mikey had told him not to come to work - Gerard hadn’t even been to school the whole week - but he needed the money. He needed it badly and this was the only proper job he had and it would probably take too long to find a new one. So it seemed like he had to swallow his pride once again and adapt to the situation, somehow. He had to rebuild his bravado and force his walls back up around himself.  
When Gerard bent down in order to retrieve his nametag from his locker he hissed from the stinging pain shooting through his side. Mikey had been right; never before had his father lost control like that. Sure, he wasn’t afraid of leaving marks and bruises but he had never before almost beaten Gerard to unconsciousness.  
He didn’t remember a lot apart from his Mom who was standing in the kitchen when the assault started screaming and running upstairs and Mikey crying, and… it all was still hazy in his memory. He had come home after the concert in the early morning hours and went straight to bed; still drunk. The next thing he remembered was being woken up by a sharp slap on the cheek. Being in the drunk state he was, Gerard had forgotten the one thing that had kept him from getting beaten up borderline dangerous before – he had forgotten to act submissive. He had forgotten to drop to his knees and bow his head to calm his father down. 

Instead, he had not only talked back, he had been cocky, defiant; downright insolent. That was when his father had completely lost his cool. That was when something inside him just snapped and he had grabbed Gerard’s hair and dragged him upstairs into the living room.  
It was all a blur from then on.  
He barely recalled having told his father to go fuck himself and then a smash of glass and then b l o o d; yeah a lot of it, like gallons of the goddamn stuff spluttering from his nose and blows and kicks to the ribs that didn’t stop. After a while Gerard hadn’t even known what part of his body to protect anymore because he hurt everywhere. He remembered the bitter, coppery taste in his mouth and the initial fear that his father might have chipped one of his teeth. He remembered having tried to roll over and groaning in pain and his Dad standing over him and just staring; not doing anything. He remembered his mother who had been woken up by the noise screaming and crying and running back to her room to hide away again. He remembered Mikey calling his name and dropping to his knees beside him and then he remembered his Dad leaving.  
Just leaving him there, without even looking back.

Gerard snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of a young woman’s voice ringing through the store. He peeked out from behind the shabby curtain to see a girl in a very short skirt bending suggestively over the counter in order to whisper into Shane’s ear. 

“Shane, baby, just ignore him, will ya? I’m much more interesting, ain’t I?” she purred and brushed Shane’s hand with hers. 

“Your tits are much more interesting, Jess”, Shane chuckled and Jess giggled. Gerard scrunched up his nose.  
“When’s your shift over tonight, baby?” Jess asked; a hopeful glint in her eyes. 

“Oh babe, I told you I gotta work overtime tonight”, Shane replied with false innocence in his voice. Jess pouted and studied her neon blue nails.  
“But you promised to take me out to that fancy restaurant tonight baby, you said you got reservations!”

Shane clicked his tongue. “’Course I have, babe, how could I forget? Yeah well, I’mma pick you up on nine, alright? M’ sure Gerard here’ll close the store when I’m away, won’t ya, Gee?”  
Gerard stepped out of the closet and kept his expression unreadable; nodding slowly. 

“Aww, Shaaaaane I knew why I loved ya! See ya at nine, baby!” Jess chimed and blew a kiss at Shane before she turned and practically danced right out of the store, her skirt riding up dangerously high on her thighs. Shane watched her leave with a kind of dreamy expression on his face. When she was gone and the store was empty again, he sighed.  
“She’s dumb as a rock but she’s a bomb in bed. That tight little ass, sweet Jesus!”  
Gerard pressed his lips together and went to unpack a box of snickers.  
“Not as tight as yours however, in case you were wondering”, Shane mentioned casually, relishing in the way he tensed up. 

Gerard swallowed before hissing “Does your ‘girlfriend’ even know you’re secretly a queer? Cuz I bet if she did; little miss classy sure as hell wouldn’t like it one bit!” without even looking up from his task. Shane pushed himself off the shelf he was leaning against and stepped right behind Gerard who still crouched on the floor in front of the halfway unpacked cardboard box filled with chocolate bars. 

“Hey, did you finally grow a pair?” He slid his fingers over the nape of Gerard’s neck in what maybe should have been a playful way but it reminded him only of a predator toying with its prey. 

“You know Gee, I’ve been thinking a lot about you the last two weeks”, he murmured, moving his hands over Gerard’s shoulder blades; stilling when he noticed him flinching at a certain spot.  
“Fuck off.”

“What?”

“I said fuck off. Don’t even touch me with your filthy hands you sick bastard!” Gerard flinched again when Shane suddenly used a little more pressure on his right shoulder.  
“Oh I’m sorry, does it hurt?” Shane sneered darkly, mockingly.  
“Does it hurt here?” He dug his fingers into Gerard’s shoulder blade and he gasped in pain. 

“Or does it hurt there?” Shane said almost casually; twisting Gerard’s right arm behind his back which had him screaming. Droplets of sweat were already pearling on Gerard’s forehead and he was panting hard.  
“C’mon Gee, you really can’t tell me that it hurts t h a t bad”, Shane pouted, twisting his grip a little further. It made Gerard actually see stars for a second; he feared for his shoulder to snap again. The pain was so immense he didn’t even realize the hunched-over position he was forced into; down on his knees with his torso bent over to take at least some pressure his twisted arm put onto his damaged shoulder; his forehead almost touching the grimy linoleum.  
“Please”, he panted; “please, fuck; I-AH!” Tears were threatening to spill from his eyes and the pain seemed to become unbearable.  
“FUCKING PLEASE YOU’RE GONNA BREAK IT, I BEG YOU-“, Gerard screamed; gasping for breath when the grip on his breath suddenly disappeared all at once. 

He was shuddering for a moment; the stinging aftershocks rushing through his battered body. Then slowly and deliberately; he tried to draw his right arm to his chest in order to clutch it tight. 

“Maybe you should shut that pretty mouth of yours once in a while, Gee – it’ll help to stop pissing people off”, Shane said and rose back to his feet. Gerard closed his eyes and tried to relax his breathing; leaning back against a shelf. He was pretty sure nothing was broken but at the same time he didn’t even dare to properly lift his arm. 

“Well, you know what, Gee?” Shane hummed, moving over to rearrange the magazine racks. “When your fucking body’s not a battlefield anymore we’re gonna have some fun, you and I.” He stopped in mid-motion to look down at Gerard who was still crouching on the floor; tightly clutching his injured arm. Shane shook his head.  
“God you have no idea how hot that terrified look is on you, Gee, how much it turns me on. It’s like, you know you can’t escape the inevitable, but you’re still defiant. You’re not broken and that’s what gets me off. Oh, it gets me off so g o o d.” He sighed and Gerard gagged. “You know”, Shane went on; “I’m gonna fuck you so hard Gee, you’re gonna fucking bleed all over the place. Because it’s too much for you but you’ll have to take it anyway…”, he trailed off; humming in anticipation. 

“You’re sick”, was all Gerard managed. “I’ve never seen a bastard as twisted as you.”

“Yeah well, like I care”, Shane shrugged. “We’ll get to our happy time, I promise. But first”, he set down the magazines he was currently arranging and stepped closer to Gerard, his hands already on his belt buckle. “First I’ll let you suck me off-“

“Forget it”, Gerard breathed and was about to scramble away from Shane when suddenly the jingle of the small bell attached to the door announced a new customer and the creaky glass door flew open the next second.  
Shane rolled his eyes and pursed his lips in disappointment; hissing “Well, ain’t that a shame! Next time, I guess”; winking at Gerard; who glared daggers at him and tried to get up on shaky feet. Once up he rushed over to the small chamber behind the curtain and sank down on the tiny stool stuffed in there. He sighed in relief when he heard Shane having a relaxed little chit-chat with one of his regular customers.  
That sick, despicable son of a whore! Gerard wished nothing more that for him to vanish back into the gutter he descended from. 

He realized he was still too tightly clutching his right arm with his left so he forced himself to lay it down on the table. It didn’t hurt as much as expected; but ah, he shouldn’t have cheered so soon because the instant he lifted his arm on shoulder’s height, a sharp pain went right through the bones that left him gasping for air. Damn, that goddamn arm was going to slow him down a-fucking-lot; he wasn’t used to do everything with his left. He needed his painkillers and he needed them now. 

“Gee, get your sorry ass back here; I ain’t payin’ you for nothin’!” He could hear Shane’s impatient yell from the front of the shop. Gerard sighed and relished in his little daydream of slitting Shane’s throat just a heartbeat longer before swallowing his pills dry and leaving the closet. 

 

He was in the middle of refilling the Whisky stock when an impromptu tap on his shoulder ripped him from his thoughts. He jerked around so fast he almost dropped the bottle he was holding and before he could stop himself he hissed in a low voice “Don’t you fucking lay hand on me; I told you before and I’m telling you now! I don’t care if you break my fucking arm-“

“Gee, what-?” a confused voice called. A voice that didn’t belong to Shane. Gerard blinked sheepishly a few times before he properly took in the person currently standing in front of him.  
“F-Frank?”

“Uh; yeah Gee, it’s me!” Frank said, resting a hand on Gerard’s shoulder; forehead frowned in concern. Gerard’s eyes followed Frank’s hand to his shoulder before darting back to his face. There he stood; slightly disheveled but ever so handsome. Except his hair appeared a little stringier than usual and his skin was blemished with dark circles. Gerard stopped himself from staring.  
“Gee look, I just- I just wanted to say I’m sorry”, Frank began, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie. Gerard glimpsed back to the counter where Shane was still tied into a ridiculous discussion about WWE and whether or not Cena sucked dick. Nevertheless he grabbed Frank by his sleeve and dragged him into a more distant corner of the shop; just to make sure. 

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Mikey gave me a hint on where to find you; but that’s not the deal. Listen, I was an ass that day and I wanted to say I’m sorry. You didn’t show up at school again and so I- heck I shouldn’t have said those things and act like a total douche and yeah- just wanted you to know I’m sorry.” Frank concluded, tugging at the strings of his hood before letting them snap back. He stilled when Gerard’s hand shot out to grab his.  
“Would you please fucking stop?” he hissed and his gaze darted back to Shane.  
Dammit!  
Obviously the guy he had talked to had left and now he was eyeing them warily. Gerard turned back to Frank and knew he had to make this quick when he didn’t want to draw Shane’s attention to Frank any longer than necessary. 

“Yeah, uhm-you know what, it’s no big deal; you had your reasons. Now I gotta go back to work-“ he began but Frank wasn’t letting him go; he seemed oblivious to his tenseness.  
He looked up at him with wide, earnest eyes. 

“No Gerard, I’m really sorry. You- You are important to me and with what happened to you- I just snapped, you know? I was so fucking scared about you and then when you asked me to-… I just acted out of my mind and I wanted to apologize.” Gerard was only paying attention with half of his senses however; his eyes currently pinned to Shane who was casually strolling into their direction. 

“Gee?” Frank asked; a wary frown audible in his voice. “What’s the matter? You’re not even listening!”

“What? No, I’m- you know; just a little dizzy from all the meds”, Gerard tried to pull a smile but he knew that he probably failed miserably.  
“Are you shitting me dude; I can see how edgy you are!” Frank noted and crossed his arms; quirking up one perfectly arched eyebrow. Then his gaze lit up as if something had just clicked into place. “It’s got something to do with that motherfucker, am I right?” He gestured at Shane who was in a not-so-subtle-way rearranging porn magazines just out of earshot. Gerard shook his head nervously.  
“Oh yeah, I bet”, Frank continued; “you mistook me for him when I touched you before, didn’t you? Correct me if I’m wrong.”

Gerard glared at him furiously before he abruptly averted his gaze.  
“And why the hell would I?”

“Oh I got a pretty good idea, but why don’t you tell me?” he asked; lifting his chin. Gerard narrowed his eyes at Frank, who was holding his stare; not even blinking.  
He could not know. It wasn’t possible, how could he?  
Gerard had made sure to never let anything slip; how could he-?

“Listen, we both got our weight to carry Gee, and I want to help you ease yours.” Frank sighed deeply. “Gerard, believe it or not but I like you and I want to help you so I’m gonna tell you something I’d sworn to lock away until fucking hell freezes or shit like that. But first you gotta tell me. You gotta confide in me, Gee”, he added when Gerard pressed his lips together. “You gotta start trusting me if this is ever gotta work out! So yeah, I told you before you have a lot to explain to me. Today is the day.”

After a few agonizing heartbeats of consideration on Gerard’s part he finally nodded. “My break’s in an hour. Meet me then at the store’s back door”, he whispered before suddenly talking a tad too loud. “So thanks for telling me! Any other math homework I should better do?” when Shane appeared right next to them.

“Aw c’mon boys; stop tryin’a bullshit me here, will you? You can’t really expect me to believe you were only talkin’ about school”; his Cheshire grin was downright scary.  
Gerard was about to turn to him to tell him to piss the fuck off when he noticed the way Frank was watching Shane. Like he knew him. Yeah, there was definitely a hint of recognition mixed with something else, something stronger; but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it just yet. 

“Gee, is that a friend of yours? Awesome, why don’t ya introduce me, will you?” Gerard pulled a face and mumbled. “Frankie, that’s my uncle Shane.”  
Shane grinned. Frank didn’t even bat an eyelash.  
“Aw Gee; don’t introduce me as your uncle; it makes me look so old and I’m barely even ten years older than you, dude.” He pouted before turning back at Frank; still grinning “I’m more like his big bro” and putting his arm around Gerard’s shoulders. It was only for a second but he could have sworn he just saw blank rage flashing over Frank’s eyes when he tried to wriggle away. 

“Don’t touch him.” It was a low, feral growl. 

“Excuse me?” Shane’s grin faltered. 

“You heard me right. Don’t you fucking touch him, you rapist bastard!”

 

Bang! The words cut through the store like a gunshot and hang thick in the air.  
Gerard felt like he had forgotten to breathe.  
So he knew. Frank knew.  
He felt terribly numb; like his worst nightmare had just come true. Shane let go of him and he stumbled a few steps backwards until his spine hit a shelf. 

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about”, Shane hissed and narrowed his eyes at Frank who balled his fists.  
“Oh I’m pretty sure you know; asshole”, he spat and grabbed Gerard’s arm whose face was still blank with shock. When he was about to guide him out of the shop, Shane stepped in their way.  
“And where exactly do you think you are going, kiddo?” he snarled; eyes flashing furiously. 

“We’re leaving this shithole of a shop and he’s not gonna come back ‘Shane’” Frank spat his name out like it was drenched in poison.  
“The hell you are!” Shane growled and went to grab Frank’s arm who yanked it free the very next moment. 

“Oh and how we are, sucker; and you’re not gonna stop us except you want your reputation shattered to fucking pieces!”  
Despite the fact that Shane was almost eight inches taller than him, Frank felt indestructible at that moment.  
“Yeah, thought so”, he huffed. “Gerard, grab your stuff and then we’re out of here, NOW!”  
Gerard flinched at the sudden yell and stumbled over to the employee’s closet. 

 

As soon as he had vanished behind the dirty curtain, Shane turned back at Frank, his expression ferocious.  
“I don’t know how you found out, fucker, and even if he told you; I don’t give a shit. But if you think you can ‘save’ him or whatever it is you are currently trying to do – think again. Because if you think about running to the cops and tell them our little story I’m gonna come back one last time to see sweet little Gee, and then I’m gonna rip him apart. I’m gonna make sure he’s so thoroughly shattered that the mere thought of sex is gonna break him down. And then I’m going to do the same to you.”

Frank felt as someone had just reached right into his chest and was squeezing his heart with cold, icy fingers. Something in Shane’s eyes told him that this wasn’t just an empty threat.  
The tension was broken however when Gerard retreated from the small chamber; duffel bag clutched in his hands.  
Frank’s throat suddenly felt raspy and dry. “C’mon Gee, let’s get the hell out of here”, he mumbled, dragging Gerard out of the shop and into the snow.

 

\---

 

As soon as the freezing wind hit his face the feeling of air getting pressed right out of his lungs only intensified. Frank seemed as shocked as himself; he was stumbling along Gerard, the bravado he had channeled in front of Shane just before long gone. As soon as they got around the next corner Gerard grabbed him by the collar and shoved him forward into an empty alleyway.  
“How”, he grit out; “How did you find out?”

Frank’s eyes met his for a second before he averted his gaze and started fiddling with the strings of his hood again.  
“I-I”, he began. Gerard wasn’t sure if he even wanted to hear; he just hoped, p r a y e d that it would all turn out a misunderstanding; that Frank had no idea of all the degrading shit Shane had done to him; because if he did Gerard was sure he’d rather die than ever face him again. 

“I saw you.” Frank finally said. Gerard froze. “I followed you a few weeks ago after PE and- and I saw you. I saw him do it, Gee.” Frank’s shoulders dropped. “I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly sorry you have no idea. I didn’t mean to be a creep, I never did but you were acting so strange at school and I was worried so I followed you. I-I’d never expected this!” he looked at Gerard pleadingly. 

“N-no”, Gerard whispered. “No you didn’t. Tell me that’s a lie” He started backing away. 

“Gee, I-“

“TELL ME THIS IS A LIE, FRANKIE; TELL ME THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING LIE!” he screamed, pulling at his hair. “BECAUSE IF IT’S NOT THEN TELL ME HOW CAN I EVER LOOK YOU IN THE EYES AGAIN!”  
Frank stilled in mid-motion about to touch Gerard’s arm.  
“What are you talking about, Gerard?” he frowned, looking irritated. Gerard only backed further away; tears spilling from his eyes. His breathing was ragged when he choked out “I’m pathetic, Frank! I’m scum! And I kissed you, oh God I kissed you with lips, that-“ His voice broke and he started sobbing openly; sinking down on the asphalt beneath him. 

Frank pulled him back up with little care and quickly scanned the area. ‘PeeGee’s’. The small, dingy looking diner would have to do; so he dragged Gerard inside. It appeared empty apart from a pretty drunk looking zombie-trucker hanging at the bar and a very bored waitress constantly popping her gum. Frank nodded at her and ignored the suspicious way she quirked her eyebrow up while ushering Gerard to the darkest, farthest and most secluded booth he could find. He gently pushed him down on one of the leather seats and muttered “Wait here.” before walking over to the bar. 

Gerard felt exhausted, humiliated; worn out. But the worst thing was the feeling of numbness growing in his guts like an infection. He felt as if a lot of things just didn’t matter anymore; now that it was out. Frank would want answers; he had ever so often demanded them; and heck, he could give him answers, holding up any kind of facades really didn’t matter anymore. 

 

He flinched when Frank suddenly returned and settled two steaming cups of coffee on the table. Gerard hesitated a little, waiting for Frank to sit down first before he wrapped his cold fingers around one of the cups and sighed softly as the warmth radiating from it ran through his hands. He sensed Frank watching him expectantly while he was wiping at the dried streaks of tears on his cheeks.  
“Gee”, Frank began ever so softly. Gerard sighed deeply. 

“I know”, he whispered, relaxing his tightly furrowed brows.  
“So-“, Frank spoke up again, but Gerard gently cut him off. 

“It began when I broke my Dad’s cigar case.” Frank’s eyebrows quirked up in surprise but he kept his mouth shut; waiting for Gerard to continue.  
“It was an accident. I was-“, he faltered a little; “I was looking for something in his study. A paper, to be more precise. I-“, Gerard broke off; considering for a second whether or not he should give away the full truth; before shrugging to himself. Hell, Frank was already involved knee-deep; why not induct him in the whole story?

“I was looking for my Mom’s therapy records. My Mom suffers from severe depression and anxiety disorder as far as I know, and for a long time she went to see a therapist twice a week. He not only gave her medication, he also got her to talk. I wouldn’t say she was feeling happy back then; well I mean as happy as she would ever be able to feel, but-she definitely was better. It was after all a therapy. But then, out of the blue, she stopped visiting Dr Crane. I didn’t know why and Mikey was confused as well; so I had to find out.” Frank tilted his head just a slight bit to savor the way Gerard’s eyes reflected the dim neon light above them.  
Outside, dusk was beginning to break. 

“You know, Frankie; the thing with my Mom started about when Mikey was five, as far as I remember. She became cold after then, distant; absent in a strange way. But as long as she had her weekly sessions, she still cared after Mikey. I mean hell no, she wasn’t mother-of-the-motherfucking-week; she never had been; but she at least protected him whenever my Dad decided it was beating time again. Until seven or eight months ago at least; when, like I said, she suddenly stopped visiting her therapist. I wanted to know why because after mere weeks she had locked herself away completely, often not even leaving her room to eat and I was afraid that by the way she starved herself I would one day find her in her bed dead.”  
Gerard stopped and took a slow sip of his coffee. He threw a glance at Frank, who had his beautiful brows furrowed tightly and whose eyes shone with a pool of emotions so tangled up Gerard couldn’t make them out separately. Or maybe that was just a trick of the neon light, who knew. 

“Anyway, so one day I waited outside in the bushes for my Dad to leave for work and then snuck back into the house. I broke into his study and started searching for anything related to Mom’s therapy. The funny thing was; I didn’t even have to search for long. Rather soon a suspicious looking sheet of crisp white paper flattered into my hands”, he uttered sarcastically; “it was a letter from Dr Crane. A letter in which he ‘strongly advised my father to let his wife continue her therapy because he was worried of her delicate condition if she didn’t.’ He also said that if it was a matter of money, there are ways to receive financial support for cases like my mother’s especially when there are children to be cared after in the family in question. The next thing I found however was an official discharge letter issued to Donna Way by Dr Robert Crane. The reason for the abrupt end of therapy as given by Dr Crane was the family’s inability to longer pay for the treatment of Mrs. Way. ‘Reluctance’, he didn’t write. But I was sure it was my Dad’s fault somehow. I mean, I didn’t know why because I knew we had more than enough money for my Mom to continue her sessions; but yeah, it’s my father we’re talking about.” Gerard took another sip, before tapping his fingers against the cup and continuing. 

“Yeah well, so I was sitting in my father’s study reading through all those papers when suddenly I heard something downstairs. I was fucking frightened it could’ve been my dad so I flinched and elbowed his crystal cigar case right from the desk. The goddamn thing shattered all over the floor and I knew I couldn’t leave it that way so I rushed to pick up all the pieces and cover up the mess. But yeah, you know how Karma often tends to fuck me in the ass-” Gerard huffed out a dark laugh, pursing his lips. He reached for his duffel bag and fumbled around in it for a bit until he dug up a battered looking pack of smokes, taking one and lighting it up. He closed his eyes at the first drag; sounding bitter when he went on.

“And so it was no wonder I forgot to put Mom’s therapy documents away again. When I came home from school that day around five, my Dad was already there. Mikey wasn’t. He dragged me upstairs into his study and locked me in. From that moment I knew he knew I had been in there. I was frightened to fucking death, I can tell you that.” Gerard blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth and flicked the ash gathering on the cherry into the ashtray on the table.  
“But the scariest part was actually that he didn’t even say a word. He stood there, watching me with that really weird, blank expression while I was trying to stand my ground; bracing myself for whatever was yet to come. It went on for a few minutes and by then my throat was so tight I thought I could never speak a word again. I looked at him pleadingly-“  
Gerard stopped there for a moment and lowered his head. He hoped so badly Frank hadn’t noticed the embarrassed flush that crept over his cheeks. He had never so openly admitted his helplessness to someone else before; heck, he hadn’t even admitted it to himself. But strangely enough he felt something like an odd, urgent need to tell Frank about it, to get it all off his chest for once. 

“You know, I learned the hard way that defiance is a dangerous thing to show around my Dad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some weak, pathetic thing cowering and begging at his feet, or at least – at least I didn’t use to be. But my father, he- he had ways to show me ‘my place’; how he liked to call it. And after some time you learn to swallow your pride. It became a way of surviving for me. I mean, I tried looking at it from a different angle. With parents as fucked up as ours I knew I was the only one Mikey had; I was the only one who could protect him. And what good could I do for him if I was so beaten up I could hardly walk? So I figured out when to shut my mouth, bow my head; show submission. And it was hard, it was so fucking hard because my ‘Dad’-“, Gerard took a shaky breath and lit up another cigarette. “My Dad is a fucking animal. He seemed to get some fucked up adrenaline rush out of knowing he had that kind of power over me. I swear to God I could feel my blood boiling every time he patted my head after a blow and told me that only if I was a ‘good boy’, anyone would ever treat me with respect. Ha; but this was only mockery as well because I could think of countless times my Dad told me I was a worthless faggot who looked less a man than a woman and it would be only a matter of time until someone made me their bitch.”

Frank was subconsciously gripping his cup harder; his coffee still untouched and barely lukewarm by now. Gerard gazed out of the window, his eyes clouded with bitterness. His mind screamed at him to stop thinking about all those things; to stop digging up unpleasant memories but at the same time his heart wanted to wash off the layers of dirt those memories covered him with and he felt like he could do so by continuing to tell his story to Frank; the one person about whose opinion he cared more than anyone else’s.  
“I’m sorry”, he said suddenly, making Frank wince. “Uhm yeah, like I said; it was strange that my Dad just looked at me without doing or saying anything. But then he put his hand in his pocket and I knew something was wrong. And it seems I was right because the next thing I remember is that he was holding something in his hand, something sharp, something that reflected the light from the ceiling lamp – God, it’s funny how well I remember unimportant shit like that, isn’t it? “ Gerard sucked up a ragged breath and brought his hands up to the collar of his shirt, pulling it down a little to reveal a thin, ugly looking scar right beneath his collarbone. Frank felt tears blurring his vision.  
He blinked them back.

“I-it was a shard of the cigar case. It was a shard I had missed to pick up. After he cut me he only said this: ‘you are going to pay back every single one of the five hundred dollars this cost me or you will regret it. I don’t care how you get the money, but you will. Sell yourself, I don’t care.’, before he threw me out of the study.  
I didn’t know what to do, Frankie! I was so scared and it hurt! It hurt so bad to hear my own Dad saying I should sell myself to get money for some fucking broken cigar case. What did I ever do? What bad did I ever do to deserve being treated like this?” Gerard was chain-smoking by now, lighting up his third cigarette.  
It was almost dark outside. 

 

“I didn’t know how to get the money. I was browsing through job offers but most of them were full-time or at least 25 hours a week and I couldn’t afford neglecting school. Then, a few days after, I went to buy some cigarettes in that liquor store Shane owns.”  
Frank nodded.  
“Shane is- Shane is my Mom’s half-brother and he and my Dad are pretty close. So he had probably told him about that whole thing with the cigar case and Shane made me an offer I could not refuse. He offered to give me the whole of 500 dollars if I- if I sucked him off. And I did it.” Gerard lowered his gaze and folded his arms across his chest as if to protect himself.  
“I did it and I felt gross; disgusting and filthy, but I was able to pay my father back. He never asked me where I suddenly got all that money from and I think he somehow knew but he obviously didn’t give a shit. I-I tried to forget it after that; tried not to think about it anymore when after some weeks Shane approached me again. He said I could make easy money with him; he said it won’t be 500 bucks each time but it would be sufficient. H-he knew about Mom’s therapy, Frank! He said that if I wanted for her to continue it he could help me ‘raise’ the money! And I did it, Frankie, for fuck’s sake I let him use me like his own personal hooker!”  
Gerard buried his face in his hands. “Words can’t express how worthless I feel right now.”

Frank’s hand darted out to touch Gerard’s but he flinched back. He couldn’t be touched right now, because if he did he might break down and he couldn’t allow himself to break down before he finished his story.  
“But after some time he paid me less and less. He shoved me around like he owned me and became more demanding. And I became more disgusted with myself. I couldn’t even bear the sight of my own reflection anymore; it was as if every time I looked at my own face in the mirror I could see his cum running down and it made me sick! It made me sick of him but worst of all it made me sick of myself.” Gerard was taken aback by his own voice sounding so emotionless, so distant; saying these harsh words. He didn’t know why he felt like telling the unmasked and ugly truth; but somehow he was sick and tired of covering it up for the sake of other people’s guilty conscience. 

“After some time Shane developed some kind of…sick obsession with me. Like he would always pull my hair and tell me how much he likes it that long and how much it suits me; how it makes me look pretty and I felt like throwing up every time shit like that left his mouth-“

“Is that why you cut it off?” Frank interjected softly. “And dyed it?”

Gerard nodded. “I was about to visit him for one last time that day you-… that day you saw us. I needed the money because I had almost saved up enough, for- well I was about to bite back my pride for one last time that day. I thought I would just have to blow him again but he-, I-“, Gerard choked out. Frank made a strangled noise and quickly wiped away the tears that spilled from his eyes before Gerard could see them.  
“I-“, Gerard took a deep breath. “I guess I saw it coming somehow… I mean, he threw a lot of hints but I always told him to go fuck himself and that he couldn’t have me that way; so he knew it wasn’t consensual. I just- I just didn’t think he would go as far as rape, you know?” Gerard sighed bitterly, lighting another cigarette. The pack was already halfway smoked.  
Frank nodded slowly; he looked worn out. 

“Don’t”, he suddenly said when Gerard was about to open his mouth again. 

“What?” Gerard asked, confused. 

“Don’t try to apologize for what I’ve seen or for getting me involved.”

“W-What?” Gerard asked again, blinking dumbly. 

“I said don’t try to apologize. Don’t say you’re sorry for what I’ve seen because it was not your fault. It was mine and I’m glad I made the decision to follow you even though it gave me nightmares. Otherwise I would have never been able to understand you the way I do. And don’t say you’re sorry for getting me involved because it wasn’t your choice. It was mine and mine alone. And I’m fucking glad I made that choice because if I hadn’t I would have missed out on one of the mist amazing people on this fucked up planet.” Frank stated dryly. 

Gerard gaped at him in awe for a moment before instinctively reaching over the table and pressing his lips against Frank’s in an innocent kiss. It wasn’t heated or passionate, it was barely even a kiss; rather just a resting of lips against lips, to relish in the comfort of each other’s presence. When he let go Gerard slowly re-opened his eyes and glanced at Frank from beneath his lashes. He even decided to ignore the huffed-out “Faggots” the trucker at the bar badly disguised as a cough for the sake of the moment.  
After they broke apart Frank didn’t say a word and Gerard was so grateful for it the feeling overwhelmed him. Frank Iero, the boy he had known for mere weeks was the first person to properly listen to him; just listen without judging or throwing in comments or advice. He had listened closely and had made it possible for Gerard to tell his story without remorse or having to feel bad about himself because he did. When Frank entwined their fingers on the table this time, Gerard let it happen. He even had to smile involuntarily because of the ridiculous feeling of peace running though him; like a thick and ugly part of himself had just been ripped off by finally confiding into someone. 

“Do you want to spend Christmas with us?” Frank suddenly blurted out of the blue. 

“What?” Gerard felt his own eyes go wide and his lips part; caught off-guard. Frank blushed a little before puffing a strand of dark hair out of his eyes and shrugging. 

“Yeah I was just thinking of how Christmas is next fucking week and how it’d be awesome if you’d spend it with my Mom and me- you and Mikey of course! I- you don’t have to answer right away, just maybe think about it a little and then-“

“I’d love to”, Gerard interrupted him, smiling brightly. “I mean, uh, Mikey’d love to as well and given the fact my Dad allows it and doesn’t set the house on fire when we’re gone, but then again he doesn’t give a fuck or two about Christmas anyway, so-“ he suddenly stopped, realizing he was babbling nonsense and quickly grabbed his almost empty cup pretending to drink it up.

Frank couldn’t help chuckling softly.  
“Awesome then, dude! Just wait until my Mom hears about it, she’ll go crazy! Bet she’ll want to cram you with her world famous glazed turkey. That grin will falter, trust me! Just wait until she forces you to eat the third piece of cake, dude…”, Frank said earnestly, trailing off. 

Gerard was smiling so widely it almost hurt.  
I was weird but he was feeling better - for the first time after a while he was feeling genuinely better.


	18. Chapter 18

“I feel like I failed him.”

“Why? Because you told me? No, Frank, you didn’t fail him. I just wish you had found the confidence to tell someone earlier, that’s all.”; he said cautiously, watching me with a concerned frown on his forehead. I kept silent.  
I didn’t really know what to say. I had already explained the terrible guilt I felt for allowing the whole mess to go on for such a long time without telling anyone and stopping it. I even lied to the doctors and the police.

Yeah, I didn’t feel like there was much left for me to say. I screwed up pretty big this time. 

“Frank”, he spoke up again, taking another sip of his beer. “it was the right thing to do to call me. Hell, I knew there was something bad going on the moment I found you on the street. Listen kid, this isn’t something you can carry on your shoulders all by yourself. This is something way too heavy for one person alone.”

I didn’t even bother looking at him; I kept staring at the murky surface of my cooling coffee. 

“You have to stop feeling guilty, you know? You have to stop constantly blaming yourself. This is not gonna become any easier and believe me when I say I can understand you better than you might think; but all the bad feelings you have – they’re not gonna vanish all of a sudden. That’s the ugly truth, unfortunately. But it is also not your fucking fault that all this happened. So for the sake of Gerard if not for someone else’s; stop putting yourself into the crossfire.”

I snorted bitterly. “Oh yes it is”, I spat. “It is my fucking fault. Well yeah, I may not exactly have been the one who beat him, or raped him, but I knew; hell I knew for weeks and I did nothing. I-I should have gone to the cops right away, I know I fucking should have, but-“; a strangled noise escaped my throat; “I don’t know why I didn’t-”  
The gigantic lump in my throat only tightened even more.  
Because I did. I did know why I didn’t go to the authorities earlier. Why I hadn’t reported any of this to someone who could have actually helped. 

And why was that? I know now.  
It was because I wanted to stop it myself. Yeah, do you hear how pathetic that sounds? I wanted to be Gerard’s little savior. I wanted to be the one who rescues him from his tormentors. Good god. For what? So that he could ride with me into the sunset, when I didn’t even have the guts to fucking stand up for our relationship or whatever the hell that was in public? When I was too much of a damn pussy to sort out my own feelings?  
Jesus, look at me. Was I really that deluded? Was I really that ignorant with my stupid consuming wish to be so desperately needed by someone that I allowed for that person to be violated in the cruelest ways just so that I could kiss it better afterwards?  
Well, obviously the answer is yes. Obviously, I am a monster.

God, can someone be any more miserable? I exhaled through gritted teeth and closed my eyes; tightening the grip on my cup. I thought I was gonna be sick. 

“Frank, what’s the matter?”; Schechter asked in that soothing shrink-voice of his that at the same time fit him so well and sounded incredibly out of place. I had grit my teeth so tightly at that moment I thought my jaw was going break. When he touched my hand I flinched away so violently I almost pushed the cup of coffee off the table. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the waitress casting us a suspicious glance. Schechter watched me in silence for a minute. I could practically feel him analyzing me; it was obvious that he could see right through me. That he could see my motivations and that he didn’t judge me and that was almost even worse. 

“Frank.” His voice was calm. “How was it possible that Gerard’s abuse went unnoticed by everyone for such a long time?”

I jerked around; caught off-guard by the question; and tried to focus again. “Uhm-“; I cleared my throat; “As far as I know Gee only transferred to our school at the beginning of this year, I-“, I rubbed at my temples and squeezed my eyes shut. 

“Headache?” Schechter asked sympathetically. 

I nodded.  
“To be honest, I never really noticed Gerard before…before that day however.”

“That day at the locker.”

“Yeah. That- come on, we’ve been through all this before, I already told you the whole story.”

Schechter didn’t bat an eyelash; he just continued studying my every expression.  
“Look, I know that this is exhausting for you, Frankie, but I’m afraid I can only be of any help if I know the whole deal. You don’t mind if I call you Frankie, do you?”

I sighed in frustration. He only tilted his head. “Yeah well, I didn’t notice him back then. I mean we didn’t even have art together back then; oddly enough he only transferred to my class shortly after… I mean, he was just another dude, right? Also his hair was still black back then and not so flamboyant like it is now.”

“Platinum blonde, right?” Schechter grinned and leant back in his seat to light himself a cigarette.  
I nodded again; irritated. 

“Well, Gerard told me that his father used to beat him only in places that could easily be hidden; like on his torso or his back. I remember he was the only one who wore long pants during PE even when we were inside the gym. He got a lot of bullshit for that by the jocks. Hell, he got a lot of bullshit for everything.”

“Why do you think those guys picked on him?” Schechter asked casually. I watched him for a moment before I felt my lip twitch with cynicism. 

“Why do you think?” I hissed. “Maybe; but that’s just a lucky guess; because he was a loner, a weirdo? He never really tried for friends, so there was no one to back him up. He always wore dark clothes and he had a wicked taste in horror movies and music. He was drawing all the time. And he never fought back. The perfect bully victim.” I concluded bitterly. 

“No need to go all bitchy at me, Frankie; remember, I’m with you on this one. So what did they do?”

I shifted around on my seat trying (and failing), to find a comfortable position.  
“Well, I can’t tell many stories ‘bout that because yeah, I was an asshole and I never really paid much attention before the locker incident.” I guiltily fiddled with the hem of my favorite Misfits shirt. The imprint was already fading a little and the black fabric looked washed out, but it was still my favorite. 

“They shoved him around. They called him names. Derek and Kyle and Chip and whatever these suckers’ names are; they called him fag, emo, loser – the usual palette. But they also mocked his looks.”

“Why is that?” 

“Because-“, I felt the heat creep into my cheeks. “Because for a guy, Gerard is pretty. Looks too feminine, I guess. Pixie nose, big eyes, small lips – they said he looked like a girl.”

“And he never did anything to defend himself?” Schechter eyed me suspiciously. 

 

“No, actually he didn’t. That’s what we all wondered about, but he just didn’t seem the fighting sort. I think he- I honestly believe he had worse things to worry about than the bullying. I mean compared to what he had to endure it was nothing. I think that’s why it never escalated; because he didn’t deliver all too satisfying reactions.”

Schechter hummed lowly and folded his hands. “Tell me, why did the abuse go unnoticed in school?” I took a deep breath. 

“Like I said; Gee told me his father was very careful about leaving his marks where they could be easily hidden for the longest time. He must have gotten sloppy not long before I met Gerard. That was merely over a month ago and during that time he skipped school a-fucking-lot. Alicia told me that the teachers started asking questions but every time his father would call at school and leave any shady excuse he could think of. He also claimed Gerard got lung issues and has to go to hospital for treatment a few times a year. Obviously it all went no questions asked. One time Gerard showed up at school with a huge ass bruise on his face and only told everyone he got into a fight. It was no secret that he was bullied so no one really dug any deeper. They just didn’t care. 

Schechter sighed. “What a crappy world we live in.”  
After that neither of us said anything for a long time.

 

“What about you?” he asked after a while.

“Me?” I was confused. What did he mean, ‘about me’?

“Have you told anyone about all this? Maybe talked to friends, parents- anyone who could help you?”

 

“I’m talking to you now-”, I drawled but Schechter cut me off. “That’s not what I meant. Carrying all that stuff alone must have been a bitch. Have you at least confided into one person you’re close with?”

“I told my friends. I told Bert and Bob- well, bits and pieces. I-it was strange, to be honest. I mean, Bert and I are pretty close; okay yeah we don’t know our every fucking move, I mean who am I to make sure he’s eating his vegetables but yeah; things like that, we would’ve told each other.”

“Then why didn’t you?” Schechter asked, gesturing for the waitress to bring him another beer.  
I didn’t really know how to respond. I had actually no idea why it took me so long to tell Bob and Bert about what was going on. Gazing out of the window again, I watched the cold breeze whirl the snow around on the parking lot for a few moments. 

“It’s kind of a joke, isn’t it?” I said suddenly; shattering the silence. Schechter was eyeing me closely. He didn’t push it though, and I was pretty fucking grateful for that.  
“I mean yeah, I get it; it’s fucking dumb and ignorant not to mention downright naïve thinking like that, but – let’s just say you’d never expect it. It’s like, you know what’s out there and you know bad things happen in some families and you’ve heard about rape but you’ve never really taken the goddamn possibility into consideration that it could happen to one you know personally. Until it actually does.” I was surprised by how calm my own voice was because my mind was screaming. “It makes you feel different about many things. It made me feel different. Heck, I spent my days, my weeks; my whole life thinking about music, concerts, friends, hook-ups and my future. I was careless.”

“Hate to break it to you, kid, but you’re a teenager. That’s what you’re supposed to think about.”; he stated dryly, lighting himself another cigarette. 

“No, you don’t understand. I was careless, I was an idiot. The thought alone that maybe the exact time I was at an awesome concert Gerard got beaten by his own Dad turns my insides out. That maybe when I was getting drunk at a party with friends he was abused by his own uncle. That maybe whenever I was having fun he was crying himself to sleep because he didn’t know how to take it anymore.” I felt tears in my eyes and quickly blinked them back. “Can you imagine how that feels?” I snapped.

“I-“

“I’m sorry, but I bet you can’t. I can’t stop having thoughts like that ever since I discovered what Shane does to him. It’s like the very moment I was forced to watch something so wrong, so corrupt; something shattered to pieces inside me. I know how stupid that sounds, but that’s pretty much how I felt. When I came to school the next day, and everything was back to normal – it all seemed like a big fucking joke to me. A very bad one as well. All I could think about was whether Gerard was alright; even though I knew he wasn’t, even though I doubted he ever would be again; and my friends- my friends only babbled about parties and chicks and school. And I know I’m being a little unfair right there because how could they have known, but-… it made me see how shallow we all really are. How shallow our friendships are. And I couldn’t tell them. I tried, but I couldn’t. And they just assumed it had something to do with a girl or any other meaningless bullshit like that and I- I don’t know, I guess I was disappointed. I was mad at them for not realizing what was really going on with me.”  
I sipped at my cold coffee.  
“Look I know I’m not being fair, but I felt like a stranger to them all of a sudden. Like out of the blue that one thing split us up and put an invisible barricade between us or something. I guess I couldn’t just pretend like it was nothing any longer. Guess I was sick of being just another lemming denying what misery is going on behind some closed doors just for the sake of my own peace of mind.”

Strange enough, that obviously shut him up for once. 

 

\---

On my way home I lit up my first cigarette in a long time. I snatched it from Brian’s pack when he was using the restroom. I used to smoke a couple of years ago and I thought I’d given that stupid habit up for good but obviously some vices you can never really leave behind. The first inhale burned my throat and my lungs but once the nicotine rushed through my system I managed to calm down a little.  
Around me the streets were busy with people desperately running from store to store to grab last minute Christmas presents. I blew out the smoke through my nostrils and stopped in my tracks for a moment to stare blankly at the bright lights covering practically everything.  
Honestly, I couldn’t care much less about Christmas. Okay, I don’t really care about holidays at all – except Halloween, because Halloween kicks ass, but yeah – it had always been just Mom and me; and most of the Christmases I remember Mom had to work night shifts. We had dinner, we watched a movie; then she had to take off for work and I would videogame myself into oblivion until the early light of dawn. See, nothing special.

But this year we would have guests. I already told Mom about my plans of inviting Gerard and Mikey over and after giving her a vague insight on their parents not giving a shit about them she agreed immediately. She even said she was glad I won’t be spending another Christmas Eve on my own.  
Actually, I was quite surprised that Gerard’ father had allowed for him and Mikey to spend Christmas at our house. To be honest, even Gerard had expected a major scene and a very clear 'no' to be over with. But according to him, his father hadn’t even looked up from what he was doing when he had asked him. He merely shrugged and that was it. Overall had he been dangerously calm since Gerard got out of hospital - he hadn't laid hand on him once; hell he hadn't even raised his voice at him; a fact that alarmed me more than anything else. I mean Gerard was happy to be left alone for once but I couldn’t shake the feeling off that this was just the calm before the storm. 

Around the next corner I almost bumped into a very pissed looking guy with a dozen shopping bags in his hands, who promptly yelled at me.  
“Watch out you idiot! Jesus, can’t you useless brats look where you’re going?”  
I flipped him the bird and blocked out the other insults that promptly rained down on me. God, I hate people.  
Especially all those people; busy with their little lives, doing their little errands, spending their little salaries on little gifts for friends and relatives they secretly despise…- what a bunch of hypocrites. But then again, you never know what lies behind the cover.  
For example, why is that girl right there clutching her right wrist so tightly even though she’s wearing a thick winter coat? Is it because she’s trying to press the cuts she made last night right into her flash so her mom wouldn’t accidentally see them and break down crying again?  
Why has that boy leaning against the wall over there so much agony and hopelessness in his expression? Is it because he eventually believed the bullies when they called him an ugly, worthless piece of shit?  
Or why is that old man in the wheelchair with the trembling hands and the young couple beside him secretly crying and turning his head away when his daughter asks what’s wrong? Is it because he feels like a fucking burden to everyone ever since the stroke?

It’s like someone forcibly opened my eyes for things I’d been oblivious to in the past. Be honest, you yourself don’t pay much attention to the people around you, do you? Not until it pertains to you or someone you’re close to at least. Only then you’re starting to see. Then you’re starting to wonder what weight people might be carrying around each day. Why so many of them often look like crying on the subway. Why their gazes often seem so empty and bare. You begin to notice things you actually never cared about before. 

I inhaled deeply one last time before I realized I was almost smoking the filter and flicked the stump on the ground to step on it. Sweet Mother of fucking God, what was the matter with me lately? I mean all those depressing thoughts? C'mon Frank, you can do better! Besides, you still need a gift for Gerard and Mikey so shove the attitude up your ass and get going!  
I decided to speed up a little when the cold wind that was tugging at the hem of my jacket and completely messing up my hair started crawling through the variant layers of hoodies I had put on. Fucking winter I tell you, I want my mild summer nights; goddammit!

 

Walking on I thought about what Brian had said about how having Gerard and Mikey over for Christmas was an awesome idea for two major reasons. One; that way they get to spend their first semi-normal holiday in a long time and two; it minimizes the risk of their father snapping again and taking it out on them on Christmas eve. He had especially emphasized on the fact that holidays are such delicate times with all the jolliness and false ‘grace of charity’ shoved into the faces of people that it makes them three times more tense and therefore likely to snap than on any normal day of the year. Brilliant. Just another reason for me to despise that time of the year. 

If you may be asking yourself by now who the fuck Brian Schechter even is; let me take you back to the small business card still safely stashed in my wallet. The card the guy with the awesome red 1972 Chevy Nova had given me when he drove me home after he found me spilling my guts on the street outside Shane’s liquor store. In case you were wondering, it was the day I witnessed Gerard Way’s rape. My gus still crumble when I even think about it.  
I hid the card away for a long time because I was afraid to relive the memories myself, but in the end I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. I guess I was just fed up with the lying and the secrets and all that bullshit so I dug up the card again. It was a variant collection of different emergency numbers; a suicide helpline, numbers to call in case of sexual assault, alcohol and/or substance abuse or teenage pregnancy – I wasn’t even sure which one to call. But when I turned the card around I laid eyes on a sloppily scribbled cell number and I don’t know why, but I called it.  
The owner of that number, Mr. Schechter (who had asked me numerous times to call him Brian, but I’m still not entirely comfortable with that so I settled on calling him just ‘Schechter’ most of the time – to which he said and I quote ‘whatever floats your goat, dude’) was indeed the guy who drove me home that particular night. Turned out he was some kind of music producer, which would at least explain how he got to drive such an exquisite car.  
Don’t ask me why of all people I confided in h i m. I still don’t fucking know myself. I just felt the need to talk to someone who for once wasn’t related to me in any way and who was neither a cop nor a shrink or doctor of any kind. So shady music producer it was then, obviously.  
Well, desperate times call for desperate actions.

 

The phone conversation was strange. He said he remembered me and asked me if I was alright and I was about to hang up when he, like, almost begged me not to. He said it was something about his brother and that he wanted to do the right thing just for fucking once and- I don’t know, I kinda related. I think it was intuition, but I really believed that this guy may be able to help us after all.  
This is how I got into that diner, having a beer and spilling my guts to some stranger.

“So, Frank, you said Gerard’s father hadn’t touched him since he was released from hospital?”

I nodded, watching him carefully. 

“And that Shane hadn’t shown up or even tried to call since you left his store a couple of days ago?”

“Yeah”, I drawled; “but don’t let hat fool you, I bet that wasn’t the last we see of that bastard.”

Schechter nodded slowly and folded his arms on the table, oblivious to the fact that the sleeve of his jacket slid up on his arm a little and revealed hints of a colorful sleeve. Fucking tattoos? I promptly decided that I liked that guy just a tad bit more. 

“Here’s what we’re gonna do, Frankie. You said that Gerard’s got issues trusting people and is reluctant to talk about himself?”  
I nodded again slowly, unsure if I even fully understood what he was suggesting.  
“Tell him about our conversation. Tell him what you told me but make him understand that it is important that he doesn’t hide any longer. Explain to him that you didn’t betray him by telling a stranger but that you want to help.”

Yeah, like that was going to be a fucking easy task.  
I snorted.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Alright. But give him time to adjust to the thought of involving the authorities until after Christmas. Let him have one holiday he doesn’t have to spend worrying about the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

I shifted uneasily. “Uhm, he is not gonna like the idea of going to the cops at fucking all. I mean it’s his father we’re talking about pressing fucking charges against. It will rip his family apart and he’s worried about his kid brother.”

“Well, you both won’t be going to the cops alone, that’s for sure”, Schechter uttered in a grim voice. “’Cause I sure as fuck am coming with you and back you guys up, don’t you worry!”

I was quite baffled. 

“Your face dude”, he chuckled. “What? Come on; don’t act like I haven’t noticed you staring at my tats a few moments ago. What have you expected, some stuck-up paper shuffler with a stick in his ass that doesn’t know shit about people? Well guess again kid; because I’m not one of the best producers in the fucking Jersey scene for nothing; I can get almost every fucking deal done. And this time I’m focusing on getting that child-abusing asshole behind sweet, solid bars; so cheer up and finish your drink!”

I watched him skeptically; refusing to believe the awesome unfolding before me.  
“But didn’t you say you have kids?”

“Yeah, so what? Jesus, dude, don’t be so tense! I’m only 29, got the kids when I was 24; it was a mistake. It was a mistake that graced Liz and me with fucking twins, but hey, what can I say; the girls are awesome and so I’m glad we decided to keep them. C’mon kiddo, I’m starting to think you oughta get the stick out of y o u r ass and start lighten up; not everything is as bad as it seems.”

I raised an eyebrow at him despite the smile that crept upon my face. I don’t know why I trusted that guy. He seemed chaotic, absent-minded and both narcissistic and full-of himself; but something about him felt right. Something about the sincerity in his gaze made me believe he could help me. 

I guess that’s why I decided to trust him at all. 

 

\---

 

“Don’t be late again! Seriously Frankie, get your ass out of bed and come downstairs; breakfast is ready!”

I groaned and rolled over in bed to block out my Mom’s impatient yell. Goddammit, whoever thought the last day before Christmas would be a good one to spend that school was an asshole and could kindly go fuck himself.  
I jerked a little at the impromptu thumping sounds that seemed to come from downstairs. 

Still drowsy; I barked “Mom, I swear to god if that’s you thrusting at the ceiling with a fucking broomstick again I’mma cut a bitch!”

“Whatever gets your lazy ass out of bed these days, sweetie!” she chimed from the kitchen.

“Ugh, drama queen!” I chuckled. This was one of those moments where you realize how underappreciated and awesome your parents really are. ‘Cause my mother sure is. She’d somehow always cheer me up even if she had no idea what made me upset. 

Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed. It was still dark outside – well, dawning actually, but still. Crawling over to my stereo I fumbled for my CDs – can’t get out of bed properly in the morning without the right tune. And once the Misfits’ Last Caress blasted though my room I realized I was actually feeling pretty fucking great.  
Seriously, don’t ask me why, but despite all the shit I was in a weirdly cheery mood today. I mean do you know that feeling when you’re actually knee-deep in so much shit that it’s difficult to see a silver lining at-fucking-all; but then there’s times when you’re just like ‘yeah what the hell, fuck it, just fuck all that shit at least for a day or two’ and you push it aside and refuse to let it worry you; even if only temporarily?

I felt invincible.

I felt fucking divine.  
This was my fucking day and I was gonna seize it to the fullest. 

 

You know there’s these days when everything you touch turns to gold? Today was that day for me. It’s almost ridiculous how on some days everything just works out so easily. My hair looked damn flawless for once; I found a Smashing Pumpkins shirt I thought had been gone for good and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I actually sympathized with what was staring back at me and THAT was a rare thing to happen. 

We were gonna get shit done right after Christmas; finally. And it's going to be ugly, that's for sure. So yeah I know it sounds ridiculous, but I kind of felt like this was the last calm before an exhausting and eventually finite battle and I fully intended on making the most of it.  
I guess that was the reason the wicked smile my reflection had greeted me with in the morning stayed on my face like it was carved into my skin for the whole way to school.  
I felt so strange, so oddly light-headed, like I was high on something. 

“Hey man, good to see ya!” Bert fist-bumped me; but I paid little attention to him. I scanned the area until I saw the one thing that mattered in that very second casually leaning against my locker, a genuine smile on his face.

For once in my life I went on pure instinct.

I walked right over to Gerard, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and fully kissed him on the lips, in the middle of the locker hallway, in the middle of the school; in front of everyone. 

 

And I didn’t regret it one single bit.

 

The time of hiding was finally over and I swear; I never felt better.


	19. Chapter 19

What tasted the sweetest was Gerard’s bewilderment. At first he went completely still; neither breathing nor moving an inch, but I took my time. As ridiculous as it sounds; the only thing I could hear that very moment was the rushing of my own blood in my ears. It was a strange mixture of being fully aware of everything around me and forgetting about everything other than him at once. Yeah I know how cheesy that sounds. I was doing exactly the thing I always snorted at the cheerleader girls for – making out publicly in the middle of fucking school. Talk about shoving your love life in other people’s faces.  
Making out with my boyfriend. Boyfriend. 

It still sounded alien to me; but I guess that’s what we were now; now that I practically cut off all my strings at once. There was no going back and it should have freaked me out; but much to my own surprise it didn’t.  
Because right then the taste of Gerard’s lips was the fucking sweetest thing and I really didn’t want that moment to end. 

It did end rather painfully however when one second I was kissing the living shit out of him and the next we were ripped apart and someone shoved me back hard against the lockers. I whirled around ready to kick that someone’s ass when I was faced with Derek’s ugly mug; red with rage. Of course the dickbag was accompanied by his faithful minions, how convenient. I kept myself from rolling my eyes. Do jocks even realize how fucking pathetic they look when they always appear in packs?

“We don’t need any more fags in our school”, Derek hissed in a low voice. Brilliant, if there hadn’t already been all eyes on us there now would sure be. 

“Watch your blood pressure, Derek”, Gerard said casually; trying to unwrap his shirt of Kyle’s iron grip. Derek flexed his fists at Gerard’s comment, but his eyes never left me. For the first time this morning I got the feeling that this maybe wasn’t going to be ‘my fucking day’ after all. But somehow I still felt a high from kicking practically the whole school’s ass by kissing Gerard and so I didn’t even give a fuck by saying the following: “Yeah why don’t you shut your piehole, Derek? We all know that you’ll be jacking off to the image of me and Gerard making out for the next few months, so…do yourself a favor and lay low, will you?”  
Boom. Collective gasp. I could have signed my own death warrant right then, it’d made no difference. 

I swear the entire hallway was staring in shock at the thick, ugly vein throbbing on Derek’s temple in that very moment. Obviously not many people other than me had been so blatantly insolent to him before; so he seemed a little paralyzed before my infamy sunk in. And when his fist suddenly collided with the locker door behind me mere inches from my head I was sure for a second he would smash my skull. Instead he hissed into my ear, so quietly that I’m sure no one but me could hear it: “After class today we’ll all have a long nice little chat; you, me, the guys and your girlfriend.” 

Gerard looked at me questioningly. 

“Thanks for the invitation, happy”, I snapped a little louder than necessary; “but I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.” And if Gerard hadn’t been currently so occupied with glaring daggers at Kyle who was still gripping him tight he’d have been fucking proud of me because all his sass had obviously rubbed off. 

Derek and I had a stare down for another few moments and I swear to god I had to bite my tongue to the point of drawing blood because all of this right there – script of a very bad; very stereotypical teen flick.  
“You will, Iero; trust me.” I flipped him off. Always go down with a bang, right? I mean I had the urge to bash in someone’s face for the last couple of weeks; so why not try on Derek to practice my skills for Shane?  
The glorious head of jocks looked like ripping me apart then and there for a second before he made a different call and leant in to murmur “You really don’t want me as your fucking enemy, Iero” with a brief glance at Gerard. I narrowed my eyes at him. 

Satisfied with himself, he leant back on his heels and barked “Thought so. Guys? Let’s get outta here!”; while the rest of the crowd slowly dissolved.  
The bastard was whistling when he was walking away. Fucking whistling. He even had the nerve to smirk at me! I already felt the upcoming headache from all that rage building up inside me. It didn’t even help when I felt Gerard’s hand ever so lightly brushing mine. I was confused. The way he was looking at me - brows furrowed, a frown on his face. I tried to ignore it, but was distracted the next second however when I suddenly received a sharp slap on my backside. Turning around I was greeted with the brightest and at the same time most mischievous smile I had ever seen on Alicia’s face. 

“What the hell, Frankie! What did I miss here?” I just stared sheepishly at her. “Good catch, by the way!” she smirked, winking at Gerard. “Just tell me, when did you finally recognize you were head over heels for him?”  
My face right then must have been the most ridiculous thing ever.

“Excuse me… what?”

“Come on, don’t play dumb on me!” Alicia chimed, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I’m proud of you”, she whispered. “I knew there was something going on between the two of you. I mean I hadn’t expected t h a t, but I’m really proud. You kicked the ass of each and every homophobe around here at once and that’s not easy to achieve.”

“Uhm yeah, thanks, I guess?” I stammered and scratched the back of my head. 

“You know me!” Alicia shrugged and grinned widely. “I’d pay attention if I were you though; you’re on the dickbags’ radar now!”

Ugh yeah, about that… I sighed and rolled my eyes, searching for Gerard; who obviously wasn’t too keen on all the attention I had drawn upon him and had seemingly left. I tried not to be hurt about that. Surely he’d catch up with me later. I breathed in deep - fuck, so much for a plan. Like I said, I went on absolute intuition without even thinking the slightest about the possible consequences my actions could have. And slowly but steadily; doubts were creeping up in the backside of my mind. 

The worst thing was turning back to Bert and Bob however, who were both gaping at me like deer in headlights.  
“Dude…”, was everything Bert managed for quite a while. Bob on the other hand after recovering from the initial surprise only bumped my shoulder and shrugged.  
“Whatever floats your boat man, I’m cool with it.”  
Bob was now officially the coolest friend I had. 

The rest of the day went by obscurely normal. Well, besides all the finger-pointing and name-calling of course, but I didn’t really pay much attention to that. My thoughts were running ahead; already skipping to tomorrow evening. Nevertheless, besides a few coughed ‘faggot’s nothing all too nasty happened. It was like the uncanny amount of merry holiday spirit had calmed the beasts.  
Once Alicia broke the smoldering news to Carrie during lunch break however – well, imagine a deafening squeal and a bone-crushing hug that followed immediately after. Carrie was a fucking fangirl!

“Oh my God, seriously, how fucking adorable is that? Frank, why didn’t you tell us before? Jeez, and Gerard is such a cutie; there will be a lot of girls mad at you right now. Especially Jamie” She giggled.

“And why is that?” I quirked up one eyebrow.

Carrie shook her head and snickered. “Because”; she drawled out the second short; “a lot of girls crushed on him. And Jamie-“

“Wait, no; come on, not Derek’s Jamie”, I groaned.

“Yup, that one. You never noticed how she always ran to him to ‘get help’ with her works during art? Like ‘Oh Gerard could you show me how to smudge charcoal?’ or ‘Oh Gerard can I use your sharpener?’ – bullshit like that. Well she always bragged about it later. But something tells me she was more into getting Derek jealous than anything.”

“Wonderful. Stupid bitch!”

“Ah come on, just ignore her! Now that you and Gerard are – like, a thing – he gets to hang out with us and Derek and the other jerks are not gonna try anything on all of us together!”  
I nodded and smiled at her, but inside I really doubted that that would work. If Derek wanted to ‘teach us a lesson’ he would get to. And I wouldn’t hide from that bag of shit behind my friends. I just wanted to keep Gerard out of the mess; he was already knee-deep in enough crap. Right when I was about to distract myself with some delicious cardboard-tasting lunch my phone buzzed. 

\- Wnna hve lunch tgthr? 11B. Xo G – 

I couldn’t help grinning dumbly while maneuvering my phone back into my pocked and pushing myself off the table.  
“Catch up with you guys later!” 

“Yeah, bet you got more important things to do right now, eh?” Bert - who had obviously processed the whole thing just yet – mocked, leaning back in his chair.  
“Gross.” Bob uttered between inhumanly big munches of his cheeseburger.

“Shut up, both of you smartasses!”

“Yeah, but do me a favor and use protection, you are too young to be a responsible father!” Bert shrieked and burst into laughter; almost falling off his chair. God that dude really was a five-year-old trapped in an 18-year-old’s body.

 

\---

11B was an old, unused chemistry classroom in about the farthest and shabbiest corner the building had to offer - a fact that wasn’t that widely known around school so there usually weren’t a lot of people sneaking around, thankfully. It also appeared to be locked most of the time due to the ‘curious case of the disappearing Bunsen burners’ that occurred a while ago and resulted in a big pile of smoldering school books on the parking lot. And yeah, the headmaster was pretty pissed about that. So it actually kinda surprised me that Gerard had found it open and wanted to hang out there. 

I hesitated a heartbeat before pushing the door open. I always liked the concept of a chemistry classroom; how it was built like a movie theatre with all attention drawn to the tiled table in the front center of the room; where the real action went down. Or should have; if chemistry had actually been at least 10% of the amount of explosions I expected it to be. 

Gerard was perched on the windowsill when I stepped in; one leg dangling in the air; his head leant back against the wall and his eyes closed. He was motionless apart from the soft rise and fall of his chest. I walked over to him.

He ignored my presence until I was standing right in front of him. Then his eyes shot open and a tiny, crooked smile crept upon his lips. 

“I thought that room was locked?”

“Yup, it was. I broke it”

“Come again?” 

“I said I broke it”, he uttered nonchalantly; leaning back again. I snorted and shook my head. 

“Show-off.” He only smiled; hopping off the ledge and strolling over to the tiled table just to sit back down on top of it. I lazily followed after him and leant against the surface he was slouching on. 

“Why’d you want to meet up here?” I asked after a while.

“What was that in the locker hallway?” he countered; not watching me. 

“Uhm, I don’t know, I felt like it, I guess?”

“You ‘felt’ like it, huh?” Gerard sounded sarcastic. “Come on, a while ago you didn’t even let me touch you in the middle of the night in a dark, dirty rock club and now all of a sudden you throw yourself at me in the middle of the whole fucking school? Don’t take me for an idiot, Frank; you gotta come up with something better than that.”

I hated it, yeah; but I couldn’t help noticing I was starting to get annoyed again. I really didn’t want to pick a fight, but…  
“You know that you sometimes really piss me off, Gee? I mean Jesus, all you can do is bitch around, can’t you?”  
Gerard opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.  
“Do I not openly admit to you, you’re pissed. And if I do, you’re suspicious. What the hell, seems I just can’t make it right to you; fucking diva! I mean can’t you for once just be fucking happy with how things are?” I bit my tongue the immediate second after I realized what I had just said; but he just smiled at me. 

“It’s okay, I’m actually grateful that you don’t treat me like a fucking minefield, so don’t you start that shit. When I piss you off, you tell me; just like you would to every other person. Because”, he added in a smaller voice; “I didn’t tell you all that shit about me just so that you treat me like porcelain, got it?”

“So I can say that you’re a big bratty bitch sometimes?” I teased.

Instead of an answer Gerard gripped my hoodie and yanked me around so that I stumbled right in between his spread legs and hit my fucking pinkie toe on the goddamned ceramic tiles of that goddamned experimenting table. Fucking ouch.  
I swear to god, seconds later my toe already began pulsating in the most disgusting ways possible and I had to bite down on my bottom lip to keep myself from bursting into a spontaneous hail of obscenities. It ruined the moment a bit. 

“You really are accident prone”, Gerard stated matter-of-factly. To shut him up I kissed him. 

 

\---

“You got me wrong”, he said after a while of making out; toying with the strings of my hoodie. “I am happy that-… that you’re not ashamed of me being your boyfriend, or- I don’t know, but-“  
I stiffened. 

“But what?”

“But I’m not so sure if admitting so openly was the right thing to do.” His voice was barely above a whisper. I sighed and watched his right hand creep over my chest up my neck and into my hair where he started slowly massaging my scalp. It made me aware of our closeness; of his legs dangling off the table; his thighs framing my hips. I closed my eyes and waited for him to continue, but he never did.  
Instead, he buried his head in the crook of my neck. I didn’t realize he was crying until the first tears wetted my collar.  
Shit. 

“Oh fuck, Gee…”, I mumbled, drawing him closer and wrapping my arms around him. 

“You have no idea how it is like, Frankie”, he muttered. “I appreciate what you did, but now the wolves have something to feast on.”

“Oh c’mon, I don’t care what a bunch of pre-pubescent dickless brats say-“

“You’re a fucking idiot, Frank!” Gerard hissed; pushing me away at arm’s-length. “You say it doesn’t bother you? Just wait until they shove you around every fucking day; hiss derogatory comments at you whenever you pass them by or molest you when you’re least expecting it. You’ve never been bullied before in your life, am I right? So you think it’s peanuts, but rest assured, it’s not! In fact it destroys you! It slowly tears apart every slice of self confidence you ever had; bit by bit.”

“Yeah, so what? I don’t fucking give a shit, I’ve got more important things to care about, I’ve got yo- wait a moment – what do you mean by molested?”

Gerard averted his gaze a little too abruptly. 

“Gee. Don’t try to wiggle your way out of this one, I dare you. What do you mean by molested?”

“Nothing. It’s not important; we have other things to worry about right now, don’t you think?”

“No, actually we don’t so how about you tell me already; if I’m your fucking boyfriend you gotta tell me shit like that!” I felt him tense at the word ‘boyfriend’ before he finally sighed and dropped his shoulders. 

“Jeez, it really is no big deal Frank, I don’t see why-“

“Why don’t you let me decide if it’s a big deal or not.” I countered; tilting my head. He sighed again in defeat. 

“It was like, two months or so ago. I hadn’t even cut my hair back then. I was at the fucking restroom to take a piss when I was grabbed from behind and shoved against a wall. Fucking hell, I’m just glad that I hadn’t gotten my pants down yet.” He chuckled nervously. “Anyway, I tried to turn around but he was holding me tight, so I couldn’t move.”  
My stomach turned. I wondered if this ever came to an end.

I almost didn’t dare to ask. “W-what happened then?” Gerard shrugged. 

“Not much. He felt me up and asked if I really did like it from behind and that he could ‘do me a favor’ any time. It was Chip’s voice, clear as day. So I told him he was cordially invited to go suck his own dick and that’s about it. He never brought it up again because he was probably afraid I’d bust him in front of his straight-to-death friends.”

I didn’t even listen properly because there had just popped up another name on my death-list. Yeah folks, I’m officially going to slit Chip Masters’ fucking throat; consider it done. 

“Frankie!” Gerard snapped his fingers in front of my face. “You back? See that’s why I didn’t want to tell you; you’re only going to do something completely dumb. And don’t even bother denying; I can see your fucking face.”  
I ignored that comment.

“Why the hell didn’t you report that to a teacher?”

“What and have everyone in school know that I’m too weak to defend myself? Right; that’d be like unleashing the monster and NO, thank you very much. Besides, I really don’t see why you’re making such a fuss about the whole thing; I shoved him back pretty good and as I said, he never brought it up again because he’s probably scared anyone could find out he’s as faggy as he claims me to be.” His laugh appeared bitter.

“Still, you should have repor-“

“I had my threshold Frank, for fuck’s sake! I was gonna report it if it happened again; can you stop patronizing me for one damn second? I’m not a fucking damsel and I took care of myself before you popped up on the screen!”

I hmphed but kept my mouth shut. When he noticed my pissed face his expression softened and he gently kissed my temple.  
“So, what are we gonna do about this whole mess, huh?”  
I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder. 

“I have no fucking idea. It just, it pisses me off so much it makes me want to punch a baby.”

“Lovely.”

“Shut up or Mikey’s the only one invited tomorrow evening.” For a second Gerard’s grip on my hoodie tightened before he relaxed and laughed quietly.

“You wouldn’t dare. You may be an asshole, but not t h a t much of an asshole.”

“Try me.”

“Screw you. And now let’s go get out of here, break is over!” He pushed me away so he could hop off the table; then dusted off his pants and headed for the door. Right before he was out he turned back however; casually noting “Oh and if I were you, I’d pay attention so nobody catches me leaving a room that’s supposed to be locked. See you tomorrow, Frankie!” and with a final cheeky wink he was gone.  
Asshole. 

I stayed behind for another five minutes before carefully close ingthe door behind me and strolling back into lunch hall to meet up with the guys. So; only two more hours to kill. I could go with that.

\---

“So, you two’re like – together?”

“Hmmm.”

“Like – together together?”

“Guess so.”

“Like – for real?”

“Jesus Christ Bert, give me a break! You sound like a broken record.” I rolled my eyes and pulled my scarf tighter around my neck because hell; it was getting dark already, everyone had left and Bert and I still stood there on the parking lot where he was asking me that shit for the fifth time in a row now.  
“I swear to god if you ask me one more time, I’m gonna kill you.”

“Alright, for fuck’s sake! Just let that shit sink in for a moment! We all thought it was some kind of prank at first. I mean you were with girls! Hell, you even had a thing with that girl Jamia at the concert – who would’ve thought you swung that way? You never said anything”, Bert laughed throatily and scratched the back of his neck. What made me a little uneasy was the fact that he never directly looked me in the eye. A lump was building in my throat.  
Suddenly his eyes met mine and his frown disappeared.  
“Good god, Frank, I know what question you're too pussy to ask and I'm a little disappointed I even have to say this, but - no it's not gonna change anything. So you like guys as well; who cares? You're still my best friend even if we both sucked at that part a little lately.”

I honestly can’t tell you how relieved I was by that. Knowing that no matter how bad, weird or fucked up shit gets you can count on your friends is a fucking awesome feeling and I doubt that anything could beat that. I was even a little proud of myself - I had picked them out good.

“So he’s gonna spend Christmas with you, eh?”  
I nodded.  
“Does your Mom know?” Bert asked as he continued drawing a pretty asymmetric pattern into the snow with the tip of his shoe. 

“No. And it’s gonna stay that way for a while. I’m not gonna tell her until that shit with Gerard’s parents is sorted out. I don’t know if I can’t handle a whole ‘oh Mom I might be bisexual’ speech plus reaction package at the moment.”

“Hm, I feel you. But do you really trust that Brian guy? I mean come on, just ‘cause he whined something about his own brother and similar situations yadda yadda doesn’t mean he’s trustworthy.”  
I thought about that for a moment before answering. 

“Yeah I guess I trust him. Don’t ask me why; I’ve just got a good feeling about him, that’s all. Maybe it’s the tattoos.” I grinned. 

“Dude, you trust people too easily. All one has to have for you to unravel your darkest secrets is a bunch of sweet ink.”

“I feel like you’re not one to talk, Bert; all one needs to get to you is a pair of tits so shut the fuck up.”

He gasped and stared at me indignantly. “I can’t believe what I am hearing! My dearest friend gets me so wrong when all I am is noble? Blasphemy! May he and his better half continue their fornication and may his ass have a merry little Christmas; for I am out of here!” With that he bowed before me, slapped my shoulder and danced away without even giving me time to respond.  
Seriously, that guy was too random for his own good. 

“You’re so full of shit you don’t even realize it”, I chuckled fondly, shaking my head and fumbling for my gloves.

“Really? You’re hurting my feelings, faggot.” A voice suddenly sneered and I felt my shoulders tense immediately. I didn’t even have to turn around to know who was prowling behind me. 

Sonofabitch.

\---

I exhaled heavily before turning around. I have to say I was genuinely surprised by the scene that unfolded itself before my eyes: Derek was standing there like a pitbull; but he was alone.  
Alone. Like, this practically h a d to weird one out because I highly doubt anyone has ever seen him without his little gang. Yet there he was, on his own. 

"What, you think I'm so pathetic you don't even need backup to beat the shit out of me?" I sneered, balling my fists.  
He only watched me. Closely. 

"You know what Iero? I never liked you."   
"Feeling's mutual, asshole." He ignored me.   
"You were a nobody. But at least you were normal. And now what? Now you're a fag? You see this just makes me want to spit right into your face whenever I see it. I mean hope was lost for that little emo cunt; but now the disease starts spreading? I can't have that. And I'm really sorry but fucking weirdoes like you, they shouldn't exist. Simple as that."  
I clenched and unclenched my fists. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my veins and I couldn't keep the shark-like grin from spreading on my face.  
"Thank you." I grit out and relished in his irritated face. He didn't even see it coming; the punch that tore his nose to shreds.  
"Thanks for giving me a reason to break every bone you own."

\---

Then it all went fast as lightning. My fist collided with his nose; I could hear the ugly cracking of bone; a sharp pain shot through my knuckles and loads of blood started squirting from his face. He actually screamed. He screamed so loud it sounded like he was dying. And I just stood there; my heart pounding against my chest; my hand dripping blood and I didn't feel an ounce of remorse. In fact, I felt awesome. And a bit cold hearted. And even though my whole body was aching from the tension I felt so weirdly calm; it was freaking me out. I guess that’s why I didn’t cover my back; why I didn't see it coming from behind me. I only felt the sharp pain when whatever it was hit the back of my head; heard more screaming and from then on everything was black.


	20. Chapter 20

Gerard unlocked the door and slipped inside, carefully stepping onto the doormat and kicking off his shoes before getting the floor all grimy and wet. For a moment he stopped to listen into the silence of the house; it was as quiet as ever. His Dad was still at work, Mikey not yet home and his mother…probably locked away in her room as if she didn’t even exist. To Gerard it was as if she were already dead, and except that she had chosen her own grave to wither away in it didn’t really make a difference. 

He hesitated for a moment on top of the stairs leading down to his room in the basement. He didn’t really want to go there, there was nothing waiting for him. But then again, he didn’t want to stay upstairs either. Maybe he’d call Frank later; see if he’d wanna hang out a bit…  
But then again he’d see him the next day…and he didn’t want to appear all clingy… Next day. Christmas. Gerard didn’t feel one bit like Christmas. There was no decoration to be found anywhere around the house, which actually was no wonder, since they never really used to have any. His father always said that decorating is just a waste of time and money; a stupid, unnecessary habit to keep children busy. 

Gerard sighed and slowly started descending the stairs. Sometimes the location of his room reminded him of a weird metaphor of his whole life; like he was caught in a constant downward spiral. He usually was quite fond of being alone and not being bothered by anyone’s shit; but sometimes it could be the worst. Sometimes being alone could turn right back at you and stab you in the back with the dullest of knives. Sometimes his own room turned into a cage, a prison he chose for himself and over the time somehow forgot how to break out of. With all that happened today, he felt overwhelmed, confused. He had to clear his mind and sort things out.

As soon as he had entered his own little dungeon, Gerard locked himself in and dropped his bag into a corner. He threw a distant look at his bed before deciding against lying down and instead kneeling cross-legged on the floor in front of the large mirror next to the old, shabby cupboard that used to belong to his Grandma. The mirror also belonged to Elena; it actually was one of her most valued possessions. His father wanted to get rid of it, but Gerard practically begged on all fours to be allowed to keep it. 

For a long while he just stared at his reflection in silence, sternly watching his own face. He wondered if he was the only one growing tired of seeing it every single day. It was weird how he mutually liked and despised it with every fiber of his being. The longer he watched himself, the harder he had to fight the tears that so persistently wanted to spill from his eyes. Why didn’t the feeling leave him that Frank had only made things a thousand fucking times more complicated than they already were?  
What in hell’s name was he thinking outing himself like that in front of the whole school? Such an idiot. Or maybe Gerard was just jealous because he’d never had the guts to do something like that.  
And Frank had. He had already done so much for their ‘thing’. The ‘thing’ he still didn’t even call a relationship. Hell, how did he get so messed up? Was he even worth all the effort Frank put into him? Well in Frank’s eyes he must have been. Must still be.  
‘Why do I always drag people down into the pit with me?’  
Gerard noticed his fingers itching with the urge to smash the goddamn mirror.

He shouldn’t be sitting here, crying like a cunt when Frank deserved a happy boyfriend on Christmas. ‘And no, you won’t be an ungrateful, crying bitch like you always are. Not this time. This time you will for once be spending fucking Christmas with the people you love the most. For the first time in years. You will not ruin that.’

Gerard glanced at his face; felt his eyes trace over the fading cuts the glass shards had left on his skin. He resented it. He resented it so fucking much. His gaze went lower, down to his stomach. There was a reason why he always hid behind layers of clothes; he couldn’t stand looking at his body. There were days he felt divine; even sexy. And then there were days he felt ugly, disgusting. It was uncanny how randomly those times came and went. Gerard often found himself in a similar position on the floor in front of Elena’s mirror; glued to his reflection, not being able to turn away and hating everything he saw. If only Elena was still here… She wouldn’t even need to say a thing; she’d just sit down on his bed and let Gerard rest his head on her lap. He used to do that so often when he was younger…and she was still with him. She was more of a mother to him and Mikey than his actual mother ever was and sometimes he missed her so much it physically hurt. When she died and everything constantly got worse and worse, Gerard often found himself in front of her mirror, a knife in his hands. But every single time he put it away, unused. He didn’t allow himself to snap; he had responsibility. He was responsible for his baby brother, because who would care for him if he didn’t? In a way, Mikey was the reason that kept him going for so long. 

Now he had two reasons. He had allowed himself to fall in love with Frank and Frank – he was salvation. He was pure salvation.  
He made Gerard feel wanted, made him feel less like vermin and more like an actual human being. He made him feel pretty, he made him feel alive. And he still stuck with him even after he practically found out that his own boyfriend was selling himself. He stuck with him even though he knew Gerard was damaged goods.  
‘Worthless, faggy piece of shit.’ The words of the others didn’t even hurt anymore. He had heard them so often; they didn’t stir anything anymore inside him. Sometimes he was scared he might be so far gone already not even Frank would be able to fix him.

Today at school he had acted normal; he had laughed, flirted, forgotten for a moment about reality’s nasty grimace but now – now his façade was cracking. Now the stupid tears were running down his cheeks freely. Gerard wanted to scream; he wanted to scream his lungs out until his throat was sore and he was coughing blood. He wanted to smash glass and break things and rip each and every one of his drawings off the wall and burn them; and then burn the ashes too, but he did none of that. He just sat there, feeling numb inside. An ugly, choked sob escaped the back of his throat. It sent his mind right back to the last time he had sobbed like that. When Shane had claimed him in ways that still made his stomach churn; that made him feel filthy and dirty. Gerard balled his hands to fists on his lap. He could still feel the phantom ache; a feeling like being split in half. He could still hear Shane sneering and he could still feel his hand fisted tightly into his hair. 

Gerard’s own hand subconsciously shot up to touch the short strands. He could probably have fought Shane off. He could have thrashed and kicked and - but he didn’t. He just had gone limp and allowed it to happen. Because he knew he was getting paid. So technically it hadn’t even been rape, had it?  
He’d just been more of a hooker than a victim.  
“Fuck this; I did what I had to do.” – ‘But there were other ways you could have gotten money’, a sly little voice in his head said. ‘What would Mikey say if he knew what his big brother had become? What does Frank even think of you? Why is he with you? Is it out of pity?’

“Shut up.” – ‘Stop trying to ignore what’s lying right before you. Maybe Frank’s just with you because you’re exciting. Because you’re an exciting freak. Face it, he was just bored out of his head and then you walked along, poor little baby with the abusing parents and now you’re even a rape victim. You have to admit, that’s distracting. You’re his personal little hardship case. Well, you were; now you’re starting to become liability.’

“FUCK YOU!” Gerard screamed and lashed out; smashing the mirror into a thousand tiny pieces. 

\---

Gerard must have eventually dozed off still right between the glass shards because when he woke up from the buzz of his phone a few hours later it was pitch dark outside and the floor beneath him creaked as he stirred. He yawned before slowly and deliberately getting to his feet. He felt like he had been run over by an 18-wheeler truck but at least he hadn’t cut himself on the glass. 

“Oh fuck”, he groaned as he leant over to observe his mess. He had often felt the urge to smash that damn mirror but had never before been so overdramatic as to actually do it. Now it was just another thing to add to the blacklist of shit his father better never found out about. Gerard turned around in habit to check out his face, but was met with the slightly scratched but otherwise tragically blank mirror frame because yeah, he broke that damn thing.  
He let out a heavy sigh before unlocking his door and peeking out into the hallway. The house was as silent as ever. Almost holding his breath, he tiptoed upstairs into the bathroom. In the dim light of the bathroom’s only light source, a neon lamp, his face looked frighteningly pale. His eyes were rimmed red from all the previous crying and there were pretty unhealthy looking dark circles beneath his eyes. He splashed some cold water onto his face and watched it running down his cheeks when suddenly the door sprang open. 

Gerard whirled around instinctively to make sure he hadn’t turned his back to the intruder, but dropped his shoulders in ease when he realized it was only his little brother standing in the doorstep.

\---

“Fuck it, Mikey”, he breathed and put the towel he was gripping onto away. Mikey shot him an apologetic look. 

“I’m sorry.” He frowned. “Gee, are you okay? You look like shit.” Gerard turned back to face the mirror and saw himself smiling an odd, fake smile. 

“Since when are you home anyway?”

“Just got back.” Mikey scanned the room for a second before closing the door after him and sitting down on the toilet lid. 

“Where’ve you been?” Gerard asked, trying to keep his voice casual; watching his little brother through the mirror. 

“Out with friends…”, Mikey drawled, avoiding to look at his brother directly. “Gee, I gotta talk to you about something”, he then suddenly burst out. Gerard ripped his gaze off his reflection and turned back to his brother.

“Shoot.”

Mikey took a deep breath before he spoke up. “Gee, how about we…how about we leave?”

Gerard arched an eyebrow in confusion. “What?” 

“I mean how about we leave. Like, town. Wait, before you say anything – just hear me out, okay? How about we leave all that shit behind; mom, dad, that whole hellhole of a house? I saved up a little money to start and then we just both get a job. I’m almost 15, I can get a job and you can get a job too and – just imagine it Gee; we’d be away from all this shit, it’d be just us two against the world, like it always was! Like it should be!”

“Mikey, I-“; Gerard was out of words. Suddenly his mouth felt very dry. 

“No, don’t you dare Gerard, I know what you’re trying to say and the answer is no. There’s no need to tell me I should stay and finish high school; there’s more important things that school in this world.”

“What could be more important than education?” Gerard asked weakly, feeling tired all of a sudden. 

“For starters, there’s happiness. I haven’t been happy in a fucking while Gee, and neither have you. Then there is the fact that we have an abusive father that has harmed you to many times to fucking count them anymore and since you obviously don’t give a shit about yourself, someone has to. You’re wondering how we’re gonna live – here’s how: we get a car and then we drive until we have a fucking state between us and our so-called ‘parents’. And then we drive on until we find a place we like; we find work and we live; I mean actually live. Not cower in fear every time someone enters a room. I have saved up a lot of money; it’ll help us get going for the first few weeks. We don’t need much money if we sleep in the car for a couple of nights, it’ll be only for food and gas. We’ll be fine. And we’ll be free Gerard, think about it! For the first time in our lives we will be actually free.”  
For a long time Gerard felt unable to do anything but gaping at his little brother in a mixture of shock and sadness. 

“You talk like you’re so much older than 14…”, he whispered after a while. Mikey’s features hardened.

“What should I say, growing up seeing my brother getting beaten and kicked almost every day does things to you.” he stated dryly. He sounded a thousand years old, saying that. 

“Mikey”, Gerard started again in a feeble attempt to talk his younger brother out of this. “We’d have nowhere to stay and I doubt that even if I found a job I’d be able to look after the both of us. And you just turned 14; who’s gonna take you in?” He tried, but he knew his resistance was getting weaker with every passing second. How could he trash Mikey’s plan when he had played with the thought of grabbing his brother and running away for quite some time now himself? Hadn’t that eventually morphed into the real reason he was selling himself for? Not to save money for his mother’s therapy but to get it so he and Mikey could escape hell?

“Mikes…you have friends here, I have-…I have Frank, we can’t just go like that.”

“We can! And we have to, Gee”, Mikey insisted; frantically grabbing Gerard’s sleeve. Gerard gently loosened his brother’s grip and leant back against the porcelain sink.

“Why the haste?”

“I- I overheard Dad talking on the phone last night. He was talking to some- I don’t know, I think some doctor about you, Gee! And then I found a folder from a rehab center in the kitchen wastebin. Gee, I think he’s gonna send you into rehab!”

“What?” Gerard’s voice sounded distant to his own ears; he found difficulties in processing what he just heard.

“When he sends you away, I’ll be all alone with him, Gee and I can’t do that! I just can’t! you can’t leave me alone, you just can’t! We have to go Gerard, do you hear me, we have to get out!” Mikey was stumbling over his words and tears started to fill his eyes. Gerard absent-mindedly patted his back and raked his fingers through his brother’s floppy hair. So this was why his father had left him alone in the past two weeks. He was going to get rid of him by making him look like some teenage nutcase and sending him off to rehab? So he had grown tired of his plaything after all and was now throwing it away, just like that.  
Gerard felt like another one of his strings had just been cut. 

\---

“You see we have no choice”, Mikey sniffed after a while of silent crying and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Gerard said nothing for an eternity; knowing he was just postponing admitting to a decision he had made a long time ago. When he finally spoke up, his throat was dry like a desert. 

“I have saved some money myself”, he felt his guts crumble. “But Mikes-“  
He immediately felt his brother’s eager eyes on him. “We stay for Christmas.”  
Mikey didn’t need to ask why, he just had to look into his brother’s eyes and had the answer written there; along with all the pain that raged within him. And just like that he understood. 

“Okay.” A simple word that meant the world for his older brother. His older brother that despite his misery had managed to always look out for him and protect him for so long. Not only once he had taken a beating when actually it was Mikey who had done something to upset their father.  
‘It’s time that someone watches over you for a bit, big brother.’; Mikey whispered to himself. Gerard was too far lost in his own thoughts to notice. 

“I’m not coming tomorrow, Gee.” he said after a while.  
Gerard jerked up.  
“What? Why not, I thought we-“

“Pat invited me over; his mom is making glazed turkey.” He opened his mouth, but Mikey silenced him. “You might want to spend that night with him.” And just like that, he left.  
Gerard didn’t know what to say. When had his brother matured like this? At the very moment he didn’t feel like he was the older one at all. He felt like the roles had been reversed, like Mikey was in charge right now. 

Gerard startled when his phone buzzed again and fished for it in his back pocket. Even though his mind was a mess and he’d honestly rather throw the goddamn thing out of the window he flipped it open to check out the ID.  
Frank.  
He felt his heart crumble. 

\---

He let it ring for a few seconds before eventually picking up.

“Gerard for God’s sake, finally! I’ve been trying to call you a billion times…”

“Frank, look, I’m sorry but this is not the right time, I-“

“Can you pick me up?” Gerard stilled and rubbed at his temples.

“What? Where the hell are you?” 

“I’m at school…”

“The fuck? It’s seven pm, what in God’s name are you still doing there?” Gerard snapped, not really paying attention to what Frank was actually saying, though. Instead he half-heartedly pressed his phone between his shoulder and his right ear and grabbed his eyeliner. It had been a while since he had last put on makeup, but he kinda felt like it. Only accentuate the eyes, make them pop without actually having them look like you’ve put makeup on. 

“…you even listening to me?”

“What?” Gerard gasped, taken aback by his own reflection. If eyes were the windows to one’s soul; his must be scary. 

“I’m sorry Frankie, I’m just kinda busy at the moment, if you could just call later, that’d…-“

“Dammit Gee, if you bitch had paid attention to what I was saying then you maybe, BUT JUST MAYBE would’ve noticed that I’ve got NO FUCKING CLOTHES ON! How the fuck am I supposed to get home like that? So get me something to put on and pick me up, I’ll be sitting in 11B, freezing my ass off!” and with that he hung up.  
Gerard blinked sheepishly at himself a few times. What the hell had he just heard?

\---

“Going out?” His father’s voice had Gerard freeze at the doorstep, duffel bag clutched tightly in his hands. He swallowed at the lump in his throat before choking out “Yeah.”  
His father didn’t even bother to look up from his newspaper.  
“Okay.” Now Gerard was beginning to feel really uncomfortable; never before had his father let him leave with a simple ‘Okay’ before. He’d at least bark some nasty insults at him before he’d even reach the door. Obviously Mikey had been right. He definitely _was_ plotting something against him.  
‘Okay, not now – more important things to take care of’, Gerard scolded himself and pushed the front door open.

\---

I still hadn’t come to a proper conclusion whether to be consumed by rage or embarrassment from the fact that I had let myself get knocked out that easily. I decided to go for both. When I had come to an hour ago my head had hurt so badly I couldn’t even properly focus my vision on my surroundings, but I did notice that I wasn’t lying in the parking lot any more. Getting myself into a somewhat sitting position was one hell of a task, and when I ever so gingerly tried touching the spot on the back of my head the pain emerged from an impromptu ache pulsated though my skull that almost had me dry-retching. And suddenly it all came back – Bert and I on the parking lot. Bert leaving. Derek. But Derek alone. Derek being a pretentious prick. Me breaking his nose. – God did I really break his fucking nose? Me being so dumb to believe that son of a whore was actually alone. Me not paying attention. Something hitting the back of my head and then…passing out. 

So I came to lying on some kind of linoleum floor, freezing and shivering. Why was I shivering? Why could I feel the cold air on my skin?  
It took me a minute to realize it was probably because I wasn’t wearing any pants. I wasn’t wearing any fucking pants! Suddenly I was wide awake. Starting to freak out, I felt for my hoodie or shirt only to realize they were gone too. I had no clothes on. I was naked.  
Oh God. Had I been raped?  
Had Derek or one of his prick friends fucking raped me while I was out? Cold sweat started to pearl on my back and dropped down my spine as I tried to get up. Oh thank God, I was still wearing my boxers. The second wave of relief hit me when I got up and realized that apart from my head I wasn’t hurting anywhere; my body seemed intact. But still, my clothes were gone and so was my bag with my fucking phone in it.  
Motherfucker! This was a whole new level of bullying, even for someone like Derek who made bullying like, his profession.  
‘At least I fucking broke his nose, I grunted in satisfaction. But as soon as that wore off, panic hit me again. How was I gonna get home? It was freezing and fucking snowing outside and I had no pants, not to mention any shoes and jacket and – SON OF A BITCH! Of all the things he could have taken it had to be my long gone Smashing Pumpkins shirt I had reunited with only that morning. Haha. The morning I had previously declared that this was gonna be ‘my day’. Ha ha fucking ha. So much for that…

\---

After another few seconds of meaningless swearing and pacing the fucking locker hallway plotting about how to break into the janitor’s closet to steal some clothes I heard a faint beeping sound. Or more precisely, the theme of ‘Young Frankenstein’. This was my fucking phone pathetically announcing that its battery was running low. Thank fucking goodness! I had to look around a bit before I spotted it, tossed into the gap between the back of the lockers and the wall. Upside’s first, at least now I was able to call someone for help – downside; who was I gonna call to pick me up without losing even the last bit of dignity I had left? And furthermore – what if my phone went out of juice before I could reach someone?  
Goddammit.  
If anyone’s ever going to ask me about the shittiest situation I’d ever been in; I think I’mma answer with this from now on.

\---

At least I didn’t have to spend much time freezing my ass off in goddamn 11B. It didn’t even take half an hour after I had called Gerard and he was there, pushing the door open. I crossed my arms over my chest in a feeble attempt to cover myself up, but it didn’t keep my whole fucking face from reddening in shame. Gerard didn’t utter a word about my compromising situation; he just quietly walked over to me, set his duffel bag down on the floor and started rumbling through it. After a few seconds he held out some pants, a shirt, a hoodie and a jacket. It’s safe to say I’d never been so happy to see clothes before in my life. After I finished lacing the shoes Gerard had brought for me(they were a little bit too big) I got back to my feet, stretched and then gave him the most bone-crushing hug I could muster. He stiffened in my arms and gently pushed me aside; watching me with a stern, serious look on his face. 

“What the hell happened, Frank?” I sighed. 

“Can’t we just go home?” I grabbed his hand and tried tugging him along, but he didn’t move an inch.  
“I’m not going until you told me.” I huffed through gritted teeth, reminding myself that he had a right to know. Still it made no difference to the fact that I had been dumb and weak and the mere thought of admitting that made me want to howl in frustration.

“Derek waited at the parking lot for me after school. I thought he was alone. He was talking shit so I punched him in the face and broke his nose. I didn’t see the other assholes. They knocked me out and dragged me here. Must have felt oh so funny taking all my stuff. Can we go now?” I scowled at no one in particular. Gerard was quiet for a long time before he leant over and gently pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose. I felt my whole face light up from that simple touch; he was amazing like that.

“Did you really break his nose?” I nodded guiltily, but also a little proudly. “That’s fucking rad, man!” Gerard mumbled. My chest almost burst with pride now, because silly as it was, making Gerard Way smile still was one of the greatest things to achieve. 

 

\---

 

He seemed different on the way home however. Distant, absent-minded. I wondered what was going on in his head but I didn’t dare to ask. If he wanted to tell, he would tell. I was not going to push him. At our parting corner we both stopped in our tracks and turned to each other. The gloomy street light cast weird, splotchy shadows on his face. I noticed my fingers getting numb from the cold and flexed them a few times.  
Gerard closed the distance between us with one smooth step.  
It was weird how good his body felt pressed against mine; how right his arms fit around my neck and his mouth on mine. His lips were cold and I shivered when he kissed me, but it was oddly hot at the same time.  
The kiss was slow, almost agonizingly slow; and had a thick, bitter sweetness to it. When we parted it left me feeling void; feeling empty inside and I couldn’t quite comprehend why. 

“See you tomorrow”, Gerard whispered and pressed another small kiss onto my lips before he slowly turned away and walked off into the night.

 

I was left there standing like a deer in the headlights; a building feeling of sickness in my guts.  
Somehow I couldn’t shake off the sensation that this had been a kiss goodbye.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to all my dear readers: I very sincerely want to apologize, but I will not be updating this story for two or three weeks time. A devastating incident happened in my family late last night, and at the moment I am at a loss of how to cope at all. And since I want this story to be of quality, I have decided to take a short hiatus from it. I emphasize on short, because I will be continuing this story as soon as possible.  
> Thank you for your understanding.

Christmas began amazing. I doubt that I could even put in words how awesome it was when we all sat together; I can only honestly say that I haven’t felt that good in a long, long while. It was like that one night had pumped life into me again, had stirred me awake from a lethargy I hadn’t been aware I was caught up and too tangled in to escape.  
I had never seen Gerard that much at peace before, either. The way he was watching my mom when she handed him a plate so full that most of the food was almost falling off the edges – it just; he seemed grateful beyond words he would whisper quiet thanks over and over again. I have to admit I was a little afraid that my mom would freak him out by bombing him with questions like she always did when I brought someone home – but Gerard actually seemed kind of endeared by her obvious interest in him. Although staying polite, he kept his answers pretty vague however. 

At about 10 pm my mom then reluctantly got up and made us promise that we would make sure Mikey got his fair share of turkey because “if that kid is even skinnier than Gerard I feel personally responsible if he doesn’t get enough to eat.”

As soon as she was gone, the house suddenly felt empty again. Gerard was sitting on the carpet in front of our couch when I got back into the living room; tightly wrapped into an ugly, plaid fleece blanket my mom had dug out hell knows where, staring blankly at the running TV set. The faint sound of Christmas carols and melodies was audible from outside, and it had started snowing again. Unsure of what to do with myself, I just slumped down beside him on the floor. For a long time neither of us said anything. The evening had started out so great and now I felt like sitting on needles again. This still was one thing to make me feel uncomfortable when hanging with Gerard. It was like Gerard oozed an odd kind of sadness I was clueless what to do about. He just continued staring at the TV, not even paying attention to the film that was playing. But to be honest, I couldn’t have cared less about it myself, I barely recall it must have been something like ‘Day of the Dead’ or ‘Night of the Living Dead’ or shit like that, all I remember were zombies. All I did was stealing glances at Gerard and wondering how to approach him best without ruining the all over moment. I didn’t come up with a good plan, unfortunately.  
The exact moment I was about to open my mouth to say something, I heard a soft chuckle. 

“Thank you, Frankie.” He whispered. I went absolutely still and didn’t even dare breathing when Gerard edged closer and leant his head against my shoulder.  
“Move your legs!”

“Uh, what?” He gently reached over my lap and pushed my legs down. 

“I said move your legs, you’re lying on the blanket” Gerard stated dryly. 

“Oh.” I blushed a little – good god – but got my act together and lifted my legs off the blanket just to have it thrown over us both a second later. 

“It’ll get cold, you know…”, Gerard mumbled, like he felt the need to explain what he did. My fucking heart was beating so fucking fast I feared for it to make an unfortunate exit through my ribcage any moment. I don’t know why I was so nervous. I mean I’ve had that exact same scenario with girls lots of times before and now – now I was behaving so awkward it sure as hell was embarrassing to watch. I don’t know whether it was because Gerard wasn’t a girl but a guy and I still hadn’t wrapped my mind around my bi-sexuality or because I was feeling something for him and didn’t want to mess things up. It’s funny how we just sat there beneath the blanket, so close to each other but not actually doing anything and yet my heart was beating so frickin’ fast and my thoughts were racing in my brain. 

After a while Gerard snuggled even closer and sighed in contentment.  
“I really meant what I said before, Frankie, _thanks_. This was the single best Christmas I ever had, your mom is just so lovely; the food was great, and – I don’t know, I just like being here, spending time with you.”  
I watched the way the cold bluish light from the TV reflected on his face before answering.  
“Yeah believe it or not, this was actually one of my best Christmases too, asshole.” I mumbled; feeling my cheeks heating up. He merely smiled at me. 

“Whoa, fuck, I almost forgot!” I suddenly blurted, shrugging Gerard (who was at that point pretty much sitting on my lap) and the blanket off, springing to my feet and rushing upstairs. After a few moments I spent cursing and rummaging through the chaos that was my room I reemerged victoriously, a crumpled bag in my hand.  
I cautiously sat down beside Gerard on the floor again, perching the bag between us.  
“I know it’s not much and it’s second hand, but – dunno, I figured you might like it…it’s probably shit anyways, I haven’t even read it, and-“ I stopped myself right there because Gerard had just ignored my babbling, grabbed the bag, ripped it open and was now holding a only slightly battered comic book in his hands. 

“ _The Last Arkham_ ”, he whispered, sounding totally awestruck. It was too fucking cute. “This is a-fucking-mazing, Frank; I’ve been looking for this forever! God this is beyond awesome. Did you know this is the first arc ever for Victor Zsasz to appear in?”

I just smiled and scratched the back of my neck, a little abashed. “I’m glad you like it…”

“Shut up Frankie, you know I _love_ it…” Gerard mumbled, flipping through the pages and stopping now and then when he saw an illustration he particularly liked.  
“God and I don’t have anything for you; I’m such a douche…”

“Nah, never mind, it’s totally okay-“– “No, it’s not…”

Gerard furrowed his brows and promptly scooted closer, carefully placing the comic book on the coffee table.  
He pulled his legs under his body and sat up, watching me like a hawk. All of a sudden he looked like he was concentrating hard not to cry and I didn’t know why. Have I fucking missed something there?

“Gee? What’s the matter?” I asked, beginning to feel uneasy.  
He shifted even closer, leaving just a few inches of distance between our heads. He took a deep breath and nervously licked his lips. 

 

“Fuck me”, he suddenly said.

 

\---

 

It was as if the world had stopped spinning for a moment; the only sound that filled the room was the monotonous groaning from the zombies in that goddamn movie that was still playing. 

“What?” was all I managed. 

He looked up at me through his lashes but kept his expression stern. When he finally reached out and placed his hand on my chest I shivered. 

“Fuck me, Frankie, _please_.” He sounded so needy. I had the growing anxiety that there was something bigger going on here, something I did not understand. Something I maybe was afraid to hear of. I tried to resist, but I found myself conflicted. He looked at me like he was a man in a desert and I was a drop of water on a hot stone.  
I felt like I was a man drowning and he was another wave in the ocean. 

And when I finally kissed him I was the needy one, I was the desperate one; I was the one starving for his touch. I devoured him and he devoured me and I wouldn’t lie if I said that I had never ever felt something like this before and I am not sure if it was healthy.  
 _Because it felt wrong_.  
I got the sudden feeling that yeah, I would probably die for him, for the guy that had been through so much, and that was _not_ normal. It was proof that I was slowly going downhill just like Gerard was. I felt like there were higher priorities for me in life than school and education. I felt like he was the only one that mattered and I barely even knew him. We were practically strangers that just coincidentally happened to know a few things about one another.  
But did that really matter?

 

When Gerard began to mouth at my collar bone I pushed him back down on the floor, into the pool of carpet and blankets and his eyes didn’t leave mine for a second. I just wanted to shut down the little voice in my head that was constantly telling me that something was wrong, that _this was goodbye_. I didn’t care if I was rough when I yanked his shirt over his head but neither did he when he scraped his nails over the skin of my back.  
I could simply have asked. ‘Is something wrong?’ ‘I can tell something’s not right!’ ‘Talk to me!’  
I’m sure if I’d been persistent enough, Gerard would have told me. Truth is I was afraid of the answer. I was so fucking afraid that he would somehow disappear from my life as abruptly as he had stepped into it and that feeling alone scared me to death.  
Gerard couldn’t seem to keep his hands and lips off me; he kissed every patch of skin he could reach when I carefully tugged off his pants and crawled in between his legs. And as cheesy as it sounds, and I know it does, I couldn’t tear my eyes off him. His pupils were so blown they almost consumed the whole of his hazel irises as he was staring directly up at me, lying there completely naked, bathed in the blue light of the still running television; panting softly. Knowing that it was me that made him so undone almost overwhelmed me. Really, sex is fucking amazing, whoever you have it with, but this – you have no idea how amazing it can be until you meet that one person that when you lie with them you just can’t stop thinking _‘how the fuck did I deserve this?’_ – Because that; that is one of the greatest feelings ever. 

I had to chuckle when Gerard suddenly nudged my fist with his and shoved some small bottle into my hand. 

“Do you really want to tell me you had been planning this?”  
He suddenly smirked cheekily up at me. “Don’t tell me you hadn’t” I just smiled knowingly and leant over to fumble into the back pocket of my discarded pants; huffing victoriously when I managed to retrieve the condom I had stashed there. Because no; I had so not been planning this too. 

Gerard made a big show of sighing like a diva and writhing with impatience on the blanket beneath me while I put the condom on. I just smirked, because I could play that game as well.  
And my smirk grew even bolder when I had him gasp at the sudden intrusion of the first of my fingers inside of him. I noticed how he tensed and I stilled completely, so I gave him time to adjust. He re-opened his tightly shut eyelids after a few seconds and calmed his breathing. I watched him closely, still not moving until he started nodding frantically.  
Deciding to tease him a little more, I still didn’t move my finger a single inch. 

“Good god you asshole”, he panted, moaning desperately, gripping onto my shoulders. “Fuck you, stop playing with me, you, _oh_ -“, he gasped and arched off the floor when I suddenly added a second finger and curled them. After a while I must have brushed his prostate because his eyes promptly shot open and he held his breath before releasing a strangled moan. I was surprised of my own boldness, but it all seemed so natural to me. As if I had done this a hundred times before already.  
My arms started trembling with an odd sensation when he scraped his nails over my spine as if he wanted to feel every single bone. 

I was caught off guard when Gerard suddenly hooked his feet behind my back and yanked me forwards. I would have almost dropped onto him if I hadn’t managed to catch myself on one hand, the other one still buried inside him knuckle-deep. The angle of it all was so awkward when he pulled me into a kiss, but incredibly hot at the same time. I decided to experiment around a little and started moving my hand again. Gerard would never break the kiss, not even when it almost got too much for him; he’d just pant into my mouth, occasionally scratch my shoulder blade or bite a little too hard down onto my bottom lip; but his mouth didn’t leave mine for one second and for the length it took, the kiss seemed endless. When he finally broke off, he simply ran his hands over my face as if it was the most intriguing thing he’d ever seen. 

I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask him if he was okay with it, if I hurt him, or… I just wanted to fill the silence with meaningless chatter, but I couldn’t; my throat felt too tight. When I finally pushed inside him my vision actually went blank for a second. I could hear him gasp and go tense underneath me, but when I stilled, he sighed desperately and shook his head. I could see beads of sweat gathering on his forehead while I pushed in deeper, inch by inch. It took us both a moment to adjust, but when I opened my eyes again, Gerard was beaming. He was smiling so bright I had to involuntarily smile myself. 

“ _Move_ , Frankie”, he whispered.

My hair was already sticking to my forehead and when Gerard pulled me down for a kiss again after a while it tasted salty. He hooked his thighs even tighter around me; pulled me even closer as if he didn’t want to let go. It occurred to me that this wasn’t so different from sex with a girl after all. Sex is just sex, and when it’s done with the right person, it makes no difference who you are in bed with, all that matters is the moment right there. The moment that’s so intense that you lose all of your control and just let go; _and you let yourself let go_ because in that moment right there, the person you are with is the one you want to see your real face.  
And for me in that moment, that person was Gerard. 

I’m neither delusional, nor am I naïve. I know that this all probably won’t last. Because part of me knew that our relationship had a shitload of potential to become unhealthy, addictive, co-dependent. But part of me also had hope that Gerard would get better; and that maybe with Brian’s help I could rip him free from his father’s clutches.  
And honestly, what was wrong with that?

After all, hope does die last. 

 

Gerard let out a strangled moan when I grazed his prostate again and clutched my shoulders even tighter. He was panting hard. 

“I want to stay like this forever. Sorry if I’m sounding fucking cheesy”, was the last thing he managed before his mouth went slack and his eyes squeezed shut and he completely lost it.  
I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer myself and I was right, one final glance down at the boy beneath me, all unfocused eyes and glistening with sweat (honestly, it was fucking hot underneath that damn wool blanket) and I was done. 

He sighed softly when I pulled out and curled up into a ball. I lay down beside him, trying to control my breathing. 

After some time I suddenly heard faint sobs from beside me and my eyes shot open in an instant. Gerard’s sudden mood swings still put me off a little. 

“Gee, what’s the matter? Have I hurt you? Talk to me, please!” I sat up and pushed my hair out of my face, rolling him over so he lay on his back. 

“I feel so empty, Frankie, I-“; the second I sunk down again beside him he dug his nails into my flesh as if I was his life-support. “I was full of you; I could feel you and you were so close. It hurt but it made me feel alive and it was the good kind of pain. I didn’t want it to end and now that- you’re gone I feel so empty. What am I gonna do without you?” He sobbed.

I felt confused. “Gee, you- uhm, I feel flattered but hey, this is not gonna be the last time we had sex, trust me. It was too good, Gee, you felt amazing. Now relax, there is nothing to be upset about, not for the moment.” I said soothingly and started slowly tracing my fingers over his bare chest. It seemed like he wanted to tell me something but didn’t manage to put up the courage to do so. I felt tired.

I was barely awake anymore when I heard him whisper “you’re right, it _was amazing_ …” 

If I could have seen his eyes in that moment I would have probably seen it coming.  
But yeah, I didn’t. I didn’t pay enough attention.

 

\---

 

“It was so amazing”, Gerard whispered again, flipping them both over so Frank was lying on his back beneath him. 

“C’mon Gee, I’m really tired, let’s just go to sleep…” Frank tried rubbing his eyes but Gerard got hold of both his wrists and pinned them above his head. 

“You want me, right?” Gerard purred. “You think I’m sexy, don’t you?” He climbed on Frank’s lap, straddling his hips. Frank giggled softly.

“’Course I do, dumbass.” He replied drowsily. “Gee, can you please let go off my fucking hands?”

“I make you hot, Frankie, don’t I?” Gerard smirked, grinding their crotches together and humming contently when he heard Frank’s breath hitch.

“Yeah you do Gerard, but right now you’re freaking me out a little bit, what’s-“, Frank began; but his words got stuck in his throat when Gerard released his wrists and slid down on his body. 

“Just let me-“, he said, before wetting his lips with his tongue and taking Frank’s cock into his mouth. Frank squeezed his eyes shut and fisted his hands tightly into the blanket.  
“Gee, don’t-“, he sighed, but it came out as a strangled moan. When he re-opened his eyes, Gerard was staring up at him through clouded eyes, a line of spit hanging obscenely from his lips. It sent shudders right through Frank’s spine. 

“Gerard, please, leave it be-“, Frank groaned in desperation, covering his face with his arm out of shame; it was ridiculous how little it took Gerard to coax him back to full erection. And he should be enjoying this, why was he feeling so uncomfortable? He lifted his arm a little to look back at Gerard just to see him licking his pre-come stained fingers greedily. Frank got more uncomfortable with each passing second. Why was Gerard behaving like that all of a sudden?

Frank found himself conflicted. He wanted it to stop because it made him feel awkward and uncomfortable but at the same time he was so hard it hurt. Gerard sat back up and got on his knees; straddling Frank’s hips again. He grabbed the bottle of lube and was about to reach over when Frank gasped “Condom!” 

Gerard’s eyes darkened. “But I want to _feel you_ , Frankie. I want to feel you.”

He tried sitting up but Gerard pushed him back down. “Forget it, we’re not doing it without a condom!” Frank hissed. Gerard cocked his hips and pouted. 

“You’re such a killjoy, Frankie”, he purred but reached over obediently in order to retrieve another condom. 

“Don’t you want to switch positions?” Frank asked cautiously just as Gerard was about to sink down on Frank’s cock. “I mean, can you take this? We’ve just-“

“No, I _want_ to do it like this.” Gerard spat through gritted teeth. “It goes way deeper like this.” With that he took a deep breath and sat down halfway, just to gasp and have his eyes fly open in pain instantly. Frank opened his mouth to say something, but the second he did Gerard had adjusted already and with another deep breath took him in all the way until Frank was buried balls-deep. Frank could feel Gerard’s thighs shudder in sensation but he could barely control himself. Still, despite his arousal he couldn’t bring himself to fully enjoy the scene; something was off about Gerard’s behavior.  
But it was hard to stay focused when Gerard suddenly lifted himself up and sank down again; because the tightness and the heat and the _friction_ were almost too much for Frank. He could see the sweat gathering on Gerard’s forehead and he could hear him groaning in a mix of lust and pain and it suddenly made Frank feel sick.

“Gee-“, he began but fell on deaf ears when Gerard picked up a more brutal pace.  
“Gee listen to me, you used way too little lube, it’s hurting-“ – because it was; it was starting to hurt. But Gerard wouldn’t stop. His eyes were shut tightly and he was biting his lip. Frank reached up to grab Gerard’s hips, trying to get him to slow down.

“Gerard, you’re going to hurt yourself, what the fuck is going on?” Frank panted, but Gerard only threw his head back and let out a long, strangled moan. The tears in Gerard’s eyes were what ripped Frank out of it. 

“Stop it! Gerard, what the hell – fuck, you’re bleeding!” Frank gasped and that was when Gerard finally snapped out of his daze and started crying. When Frank tried to pull out he clung to him, whimpering “No please, don’t leave me, don’t fucking leave me alone I don’t wanna feel empty again!”  
Frank felt overstrained; unable to cope. He sighed and gently pushed Gerard off him, which only resulted in Gerard breaking down in violent sobs. Frank sat up and crouched down beside him, rubbing his shoulders and back. “Shh Gee, it’s alright, I’m here, everything’s okay, just calm down…”  
It was weird to say things like that when he wanted to cry himself.  
After a while of Gerard weeping Frank finally found the courage to try talking to him.

“…Gerard did you-… did you want to get hurt? Did you want to feel pain?”  
Actually, Frank was freaking scared of the answer.

Gerard only sobbed louder and curled tighter into himself. 

“Gee, talk to me. What was that?” Frank tried again with a little more pressure in his voice and Gerard almost choked on his sobs when he answered. 

“I don’t know what got into me, I swear, it’s just- I don’t know, the only times I ever had sex were awkward and horrible and painful and I felt ugly and disgusting every time and I just wanted to feel something else-…. And today with you it was so- so _different_ from what I knew because it was you and you are so perfect in every fucking way and I just wanted to give you some of the pleasure back and then I suddenly- I dunno, I suddenly felt unworthy of you and got carried away and lost control of reality and the amazing feeling turned rotten and –“; Gerard was beginning to get hysterical.

“Shhh, calm down, Gee, I’m right here, just calm down.”  
Gerard took a deep breath.

“And then I felt dirty and disgusting again and I wanted to punish myself- oh god I’m sorry, Frankie; I’m so fucking sorry for being so fucked up-“; he started bawling again. 

Frank just lay beside Gerard, rubbing his shoulder and staring into the darkness, the feeling of helplessness growing inside his gut. How could he possibly fix Gerard? 

And what if he couldn’t? _What if Gerard couldn’t be fixed?_

 

 

“Shh Gee, it’s all going to get better, I promise.” Frank repeated over and over again in a soothing voice. “I’m going to help you out; you’re not in this alone. I found someone who can help us, Gerard, believe me; this will all be over soon.” After some time Frank could feel Gerard finally calming down and relax his breathing.

Gerard sighed one last time, whispering “it doesn’t matter anymore Frankie, it’s already over.” and then, just like that, he drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion. Frank felt like he was having a panic attack right there. He wanted to shake Gerard awake and scream at him to tell him the truth, to tell him what the fuck was going on; but he didn’t. He felt his heart pounding against his chest and his breathing go ragged and erratic and he felt the sickness in his stomach but he didn’t dare moving an inch away from Gerard. So after an eternity of lying awake in agony he finally succumbed to his tiredness, Gerard still wrapped tightly in his arms. 

\---

And the next morning, just like that, he was gone. When Frank woke up tangled in the blankets Gerard had long left, the only proof of his presence being the absence of the comic book Frank had given to him and a small note on the coffee table.

 

_Dear Frankie,_

_Thank you for everything. I don’t know what else to write since I despise goodbyes, but if anyone deserves one from me, it’s you. Thank you for giving me back a piece of myself in the darkest of times; thanks for believing in me; thanks for trusting me. I know I have been a burden to you and for that I want to say I’m sorry. But you don’t have to worry anymore, because when you are reading this, Mikey and I have long left town. I have been planning this for a while now and it has nothing to do with you. In fact you’d be the only reason I wouldn’t go; but I can’t allow for my baby brother to grow up in an environment like ours any longer. We don’t know where we’re going yet, but we have money and we have each other and that’s all that matters. I will let you know once we found a place to stay, but please Frank, don’t come for me, at least not now.  
Stay here, stay in Jersey and start a band with Bob or get even more friggin’ tattoos. Don’t let me drag your life down; promise me that._

_Maybe if we had met earlier, or under other circumstances it would have all turned out different, we’ll never know._

_Just know this; even though we didn’t know each other for long, I came to the conclusion that I love you. Even though this probably makes it all even harder – sorry._

_I love you._

_Xo G_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid sweethearts, this is not the end. not yet.
> 
> Also, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you that is still reading this, let alone still _enjoying this_ after all this time. You guys are the reason I keep going. I've been going through really rough times lately and working on this story has often been the only thing to keep me from doing something stupid. So I want to apologize if it sometimes takes me a little longer to update; just know that this story is not forgotten.
> 
> I love each and every one of you.
> 
>  
> 
> \-----
> 
> Note to all my dear readers: I very sincerely want to apologize, but I will not be updating this story for two or three weeks time. A devastating incident happened in my family late last night, and at the moment I am at a loss of how to cope at all. And since I want this story to be of quality, I have decided to take a short hiatus from it. I emphasize on short, because I will be continuing this story as soon as possible.  
> Thank you for your understanding.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, wee!  
> Sorry I kept you all waiting! xo

And just like that, he _was_ gone.  
Days passed. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t rest, I did all I could to find him, to find out where he went, to find out if he was well – I failed. I ran to all the places we’ve ever been to together, in some silly kind of hope he might have left something for me, something to explain why. Something better than his stupid note.  
I think I deserved something better.

But he didn’t. He didn’t leave anything, and just like that, he was ripped from my life. At the beginning everybody was excited. At school Gerard’s mysterious disappearance was topic number one in the hallways. Especially now that everyone knew about us. I probably would have cared a lot more about all the hate and mockery I received every day from now on, if my mind hadn’t been that occupied with Gerard. More days passed. The sad truth was; I sort of crumpled into myself in that time. It was sort of – I knew Gerard had a lot of issues weighing on his back, and the only information I had, the only thing I knew for _sure_ was that he had grabbed his little brother and left town. I didn’t know how much money they had, if they were safe – but most of all, I felt betrayed. I really had thought that Gerard and I had something going on. And as much as my pride doesn’t want to let me admit it, I thought he trusted me. I really thought that finally, he had opened up to me, that I got to know the _real him_. Apparently, I was wrong. I had no idea, not the slightest bit of a fucking clue that he was going to leave, and that hurt more than anything else. And surely, because I’m as self-centered and egoistic as most human beings are, I was convinced I would have been able to make him stay if he had told me.

God, people are such pathetic creatures. We tend to think that everything evolves around us. Just as I was thinking I could have been the reason for Gerard to stay, had I only been given the chance to convince him.  
How _pathetic_.  
That we think people should be grateful to have us, and in all that gratefulness stay with us, never mind their other problems, which surely will dissolve into pleasant nothing as long as they are graced with our company.

Okay, that was very cynical, I’m sorry. It’s just that I felt pretty helpless right then, and helplessness makes me cynical. It’s like some self-defense mechanism, I don’t know. 

Weeks passed. New Year’s Eve came and went and I’ve stopped counting the times I’ve tried to reach Gerard, or even the times I had his number dialed, but couldn’t even hit ‘call’.  
Now that we’ve reached the end of January, and Gerard and Mikey have been gone for a month almost, I had to find decent reasons to get myself out of bed every day.  
And no, I’m not some over dramatic cry baby going depressed because they can’t handle a break up – because I’m sure I could’ve handled a break up. But this - … this wasn’t my decision. I had no say in it. And the thing I’ve asked myself every single morning since he left, was – was it real? Did he mean it? I mean if he had planned to go away for so long, then why start something serious? Why fucking corrupt me and make me question myself and everything if he knew it was only temporary?  
What an egoistic asshole. What an egoistic, self-centered twat! You’re a hypocrite, Gerard, because you blame everything on the world and then you are no better than any of them! Did you want to get back control so fucking bad that you decided to go out and break some hearts? Well then, sorry to disappoint, because mine’s not broken, asshole, it’s just cracked. But it still fucking hurts, so I hope you’re proud of yourself. 

The days were dragging by again, slowly, mercilessly. I’ve fallen into a weird routine where I got up in the morning without having eaten a thing, dragged myself to school and wondered why I have given up so much for that fucker by the time one of the cheerleaders suddenly called me a ‘pathetic faggy loser’. 

“Not handling that breakup very well, are we, Fraaankie?” She was dragging the first syllable of my name out too long. I hate when people do that. 

“Piss off, airhead” Bert shifted next to me. I kept my eyes on my plate of broccoli; fixing my gaze on that one piece that weirdly resembled Bender from Futurama – or maybe Jesus. Don’t people see Jesus on their food all the time? 

“Hey, watch your mouth, loser, I don’t like anyone talkin’ like that to my girlfriend!” I didn’t even have to look up to notice the guy walking up to her side, probably snaking his arm around her waist in some caveman manner. They were all the same.  
Bert grunted dismissively, but obviously the girl hadn’t had enough just yet. 

“Well, bet you weren’t that good a fuck to him, either – seems Clary was right when she said you kinda sucked in bed.” She laughed an ugly, shallow laughter. I should have felt angry, but I didn’t. I just felt annoyed, but not annoyed enough to actually do something.  
Apparently though some kinds of people don’t let it go until they get the reaction they wanted from you.  
Except this time they didn’t get it from me.  
And when she went on polluting the air with something genius like “You are so pathetic, Frank, you sucked with girls and now you’ve decided to suck guys instead?” Bert suddenly sprung to his feet, lashed out and slapped her across the face pretty hard. 

The whole lunch hall was dead silent after that and I swear you could still hear the slap echoing through the room. The girl’s boyfriend seemed a little awestruck for a second, but before he could do anyething Mr. Munichs sprung into action and escorted Bert to the principal’s office. Around us people started to snicker and I finally stood up and dead on looked the girl in the eye. She was clutching her left cheek which had turned bright red and tears were filling her eye sockets. I remembered her from a party I went to back in late summer. Mara or Marie or something like that; she’d been shitfaced out of her head and tried hitting on me and I rejected her. I don’t know how, considering her state back then, but obviously she remembered.  
What a twat.

I continued looking at her until she spat “What are you looking at, cunt?” and then I left without a second glance. I could hear Alicia getting up, trying to follow after me and Bob holding her back.  
I was grateful for that - he always understood. 

 

Only this time it didn’t work and Alicia was after me by the time I had reached my locker. 

“Frank, wait!”

I tried to ignore her, quickly opening my locker and pushing my books in. Hoping I could clasp it shut and leave before she’d catch up, I hurried. 

“I said, wait!” I sped up my walk; almost reaching the front door. She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, panting.  
“Frank, for fuck’s sake, I said _wait_!”

“For what?” I hissed, pulling free. She looked at me pleadingly. 

“I want to talk-“

“About what?” I know I was sounding pissed, but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to be left alone. She was looking honestly concerned. Why was she? She didn’t need to be worried about me. There was nothing to be worried about. Okay yes, I was getting bullied. So fucking what? T’is nothing I couldn’t handle. I don’t get why everyone was fucking tippy toeing around me like I was made out of porcelain or something. 

“I want to make sure you’re okay”, her voice was trembling a little. “Frank, you’re my best friend and I want to make sure you’re okay!”

“Yeah well I am, thanks for the concern.” I turned back around; pushing the front door open with as much force as I could muster and sending it straight against the wall with a satisfying crash. 

I practically sprinted down the stairs and over the parking lot; hearing her call after me before the door slammed shut – “FRANK! Where are you going?”

“I’m fucking outta here!” I screamed back. I knew I had three periods left, but I felt like I couldn’t do another second behind those walls. I was hesitating on the parking lot for only a heartbeat; unsure where to go. Then I realized it didn’t matter, that I had nowhere special to go. So I just jogged off.

When I finally came to a stop at some playground that was pretty much abandoned apart from two kids playing in a corner, about 10 or 11 years old, I decided to sit down for a bit. I don’t know why I felt so tired all of a sudden. Maybe it was because I realized I had nowhere to run to. I had no destination, nowhere to be. There was so much to see in this world, and I had no reason to go there, no one to go there with. The only place I could have gone and not looked lost was home, but I doubt I could have handled home right then. 

The flicking of a lighter ripped me from my thoughts. 

“You really need to work on your defense, dude.” Alicia barely sounded out of breath. It’s like you were in some fucking different reality, you almost got run over by two cabs and then for a change actually tackled an old lady on your path of wrath” I don’t know if she was attempting a joke, she didn’t sound like it. I looked up at her huffing out smoke into the cold morning air. 

I sighed. “Why did you follow me?”

“Because I figured you’d better not be alone in a state like this.” She split her lips into a small smile. When her eyes found mine, she was looking sad. “I know you’re trying to figure out how to tell me to piss off without pissing me off, but don’t bother. I’m not going away, no matter how much you want me to.”

That hurt.  
“Alicia, I’m sorry-“

“No, it’s okay. I know that we don’t know, heck, that we have no fucking idea how you feel right now. I mean, it’s not just some stupid ‘my boyfriend left me boohoo’ episode; it’s – your boyfriend actually left. Hell, he ran away to save himself and his brother and now you’ve got no clue where he is, if he is fine, if he is even alive”, she got carried away a little, saying that, her eyes wandering off, unfocused.  
“God, I’m sorry”, she clasped her hands in front of her mouth. “’Fuck I’m sorry for bringing that up, I’m-“; she was desperately looking for words. 

I could have relieved her, could have consoled her by telling her that it was okay, and how much I appreciated her help and concern, but truth was, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. Yeah she was right; they didn’t know what it felt like. Not knowing where the person you’ve grown to care about the most is, or whether they are well.  
And I know they _tried;_ they tried to understand and they tried to help, but I was so _sick of them trying_. I was so sick of getting asked if I was okay every fucking day in their worried little voices, when it was clear as day that I wasn’t. And the more time went by, the more they somehow seemed to expect that I’d get over it, that it’d somehow wear off with passing days. 

And I know they were disappointed when it didn’t. They were frustrated that they couldn’t help me; and so eventually their trying got less and less. And that was frustrating _me,_ because I wanted help, I wanted someone to talk to; but at the same time I was pushing them away, because they didn’t understand. How could they? They haven’t felt what I was feeling, so how could they possibly understand my pain?

See that? That’s stupid. That’s the stupid, self-centered and somehow utterly arrogant thing people tend to do sometimes. We tend to assume that no one who hasn’t been through the exact same pain we’re battling right now could possibly understand us. They just try. And try. And fail, because they are shallow and can’t possibly really try to put themselves in our shoes and help us. So we push them away when all we really want is to pull them close. But we don’t allow ourselves that; we don’t allow ourselves to open up and be close, and why? Because we don’t want to hear a different view on the pain we’re going through from someone who hasn’t felt it themselves. And why don’t we want that? Because we are scared, we are so fucking scared of everyone and everything, but the thing we are scared of the most is that maybe, _maybe our pain isn’t real_. That it’s just something we projected on ourselves to give us something to hold onto; because if it weren’t for the pain, we would be nothing. Nothing but empty shells, existing without purpose, and that’s what scared _me_ the most. Whenever I was having time thinking, my thoughts were racing, battling each other; fighting themselves and fighting me, and I somehow always ended up here.

With the conclusion that I, no matter how weird and fucked up it was, needed the pain, _needed to feel it_ because I had forgotten how it used to be without it. Now it was ruling my life. It was awful, but I had something to feel. And I latched onto that because I was so desperate to lose the one feeling I could somehow define. Because each and every thought, every part of my mind was urging to burst into a different direction until I was lying awake on the floor, my eyes wide open to the point they started getting dry and my body not able to do anything, my mind not able to focus; dreading the moment someone would tell me that my pain wasn’t real, so I’d have nothing left to feel at all.

 

And that’s what scared me the most. 

 

\---

 

“Frankie? Frank, hey, you with me?” I hadn’t realized I’d been gripping my own arm so tight my knuckles were turning white. I blinked a few times before Alicia came back into focus.  
“Jeez, you kinda zoned out on me there, man”, she mumbled, pulled me off the ground and lit herself another cigarette.

“What the hell was I doing on the ground?” She shrugged and huffed out a laugh. 

“Don’t fucking ask _me_ , you just flopped down staring into nothing, as if you were wandering off into some parallel universe I couldn’t follow. Seriously Frankie”, she grabbed my arm and shot me an intense gaze; pressing her lips together. “Never do that again.”

I nodded and we both fell back into silence. I didn’t want that. Silence meant thinking and thinking meant slowly losing my mind. But on the other hand I didn’t want to talk to Alicia. Or any of my friends. The only thing I could focus on was Gerard. And how useless I was in finding him. I knew I should concentrate on other things, because slowly going crazy over Gerard’s disappearance wasn’t going to bring him back either. The only thing I could do is sit here and hope he’d been feeling enough for me to at least let me know whether he made it after some while.  
My thoughts traced back to the first few days after the Christmas holidays were over. Word around school was that Gerard transferred again to some private school to finish off the year with some extra credit in order to get into a better college. But, as usual, those were only rumors. Gerard’s parents must have made up a plausible story however, because none of the teachers asked any questions.

It angered me so fucking much that everyone just seemed to accept those fishy excuses _no questions asked_ , but then I remembered that apart from me more or less no one cared enough about Gerard to dig any deeper. And my friends only did so because of me.  
I talked to Brian a lot for the first two weeks after Gerard’s disappearance and we thought every option through. My first instinct was to report Gerard as a missing person, but it was Brian who brought me off that idea. Because, and it didn’t occur to me until then, if we had reported Gerard and Mikey as missing; and they were found – the things they dreaded the most would happen. They would get separated. Mikey would end up in a foster family; Gerard most likely in a youth home. The whole ordeal would be brought to light which probably only meant even a greater deal of embarrassment and humiliation for Gerard. And as much as I wanted to know, just to know that he was alive and well; no matter _how bad_ I wanted to have him back, I wanted to give him a chance.

Even if that meant slowly, quietly losing my mind. 

 

Still, I could feel the rage bubbling inside me. These were like tidal waves of emotion, rushing over me without a hint or a warning. Whether it was anger or sadness – but most of the time it was anger. I was angry at everything and nothing at the same time, it’s… difficult to explain. Imagine having a really pissed version of yourself sitting inside your chest, armed with a machine gun, recklessly firing against your ribcage. And if you don’t let all that rage run free, if you don’t find an outlet, the bullets are going to recoil and split your insides trying to find a way out – until you give them one.  
There you have it again; organizing my thoughts was getting more and more confusing. 

“Frank”, Alicia spoke up again after some time. I jerked out of my thoughts and turned back to face her, noticing she was staring at me, her eyes weirdly glossy; a forgotten cigarette between her digits that was slowly burning down to the filter. I bowed a little and blew away the ash that gathered on the cherry.  
I felt guilty for treating her the way I did, _the way she didn’t deserve_ ; and for making her worry about me. 

“I’m sorry that this all happened. And I know how I don’t know the whole picture, and can only assume, but – I’m really sorry. You don’t deserve this. And-“

“Gerard doesn’t deserve this”, I interrupted her. 

“And I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. But there are people who can. Frankie, it doesn’t have to be this way. Think about it.”  
And suddenly, it was all clear. She was right.

“You’re right…”

“Of course I am. Frankie, all that rage inside you – don’t you think everyone can see that? It doesn’t have to be like that; consuming you. You can do something about it, get some help.”  
I didn’t even bother listening to the end of the sentence; it all was suddenly so clear.

What I had to do. 

 

“It was all his fault.” I muttered, picking my bag off the ground. “It was his fault that he snapped.”

“Frankie?” Alicia sounded alarmed. I didn’t know why; she had no reason to. 

“The beatings messed him up, but what _he_ did broke him.” 

“Frankie, what’s going on? You’re scaring me!”

I whirled around and pecked her on the cheek, whispering “I’ve got to take care of something”, before I turned and ran off.

 

By the time I burst through the creaky old shop door I felt dangerously, but at the same time peacefully calm. I took my time sliding the bag off my shoulder and onto the floor. Shane had his back turned at me, casually leaning against the counter probably reading porn, so there was no need to rush. I knew the pressure on my chest would vanish once I’d allowed my rage to deflate a little. My fingers almost didn’t tremble at all when I gripped the beer bottle, and I got even calmer with every nearing step.

When I finally reached the counter I was so close it would have been easy for me to latch my hands around his neck and snap it. Instead I looked one last time at the bottle that molded so perfectly into my palm, green and slick from the condensed water before I raised it and smashed it down on his head with no remorse. 

The rest of it was all a blur. To say I blacked out would be an exaggeration, but I’m not lying when I say I don’t remember much. I just remember screams and blood and Shane kicking at me and me biting, pulling, scratching, punching every piece of him I could reach, and one mean punch to my gut and Alicia bursting in, screaming as well, threatening to call the cops, and her somehow stopping me from killing Shane, and -… I don’t know how she got me out. And I don’t know if I’d really have tried to kill him. Probably not. Still, I freaked myself out a little bit, because thoughts like that – I never had them before.  
There was no point denying it anymore. I really _was_ losing my mind.

 

And my only thought-

Please, Gerard, please – wherever you are. Please come back. 

 

\---

 

Almost three weeks later we had nearly reached the end of February, and I figured out that time really did alter pain. But it didn’t heal it, not in my case anyway. It only shifted it, molded it, made it feel different. More dull.  
But it still was there. I still felt confused about myself, I still got mocked at school, and I still found it hard to take my mind off Gerard. I knew I was obsessing; but truth is I couldn’t help it. That’s probably the worst thing, when you know how messed up you are but can’t really do anything about it either. You just can’t. 

My grades went down as well, which was not really surprising at all, but slowly I figured that I had to kick myself into working if I wanted to have any chance of getting into a decent college. It is hard to fake ambition when you don’t believe in a future. And don’t get me wrong, this had nothing to do with Gerard at all. This was my own little weight I’d been carrying around even before I met Gerard. I just felt – lost along the way, like I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. Remember what I said before I met Gerard? How bored I was feeling, how I longed for some purpose in my life?  
Yeah well – temporarily – Gerard gave me that purpose. 

 

I also started working at a small record store downtown, owned by a 20 something dude named Ray two weeks ago. I knew I needed something to occupy myself with, and when I walked past the store one day after school and saw the ‘help wanted’ sign, I just went in. Ray was, as far as I could tell after two weeks, a pretty chill college drop-out with a truly amazing mop of hair on his head. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to be the poor soul sitting behind him at the movies.  
Ray didn’t ask a lot of questions, he just looked at me, wanted to know three of my favorite bands and six random classic rock songs I deemed influential. When I answered he merely nodded, seemingly satisfied, said “Welcome to my now two-man-show, Frankie” and flashed me the sincerest smile I’d seen in a long time. 

It was really soothing to work at Ray’s record store, where nobody bothered me and all I had to do was putting away stacks of CDs and getting Ray’s impressive record collection back into any kind of order.  
I also saw the girl from the concert, Jamia, again, who seemed to be a regular customer of Ray’s.  
Maybe things were starting to look upside again, maybe time had come to lay Gerard’s case to rest and move on. 

“Hey Frankie, what’s up?”  
Jamia looked particularly pretty today, with her jet black hair brushed back behind one ear; fastened there with a clip and her irritatingly bright blue sweater – royal blue she giggled when I remarked that the color was hurting my eyes. 

“Imagine the Queen of England constantly poking your eyeball with her old, wrinkly pinkie; then you know what having to look at that obnoxious color feels like.” I said.  
She burst into a fit of honest, bell-light laughter that filled up the whole front room of the store. I could even hear Ray chuckling to himself in the storage, and despite myself, I felt the tiniest of smiles creep onto my lips. 

I swallowed it and turned my back to her; furiously focusing on the stack of The Who records that were spread out on the counter before me. 

“So”, Jamia began after a while. “I was thinking-“; she was drawling it out. I noticed my shoulders getting tense. I didn’t want to hear what she was thinking.  
“I was thinking that we could grab a coffee some time if you’d like to” Her smile was so sweet and beautiful in an odd way and - “ _If_ you’d like to-“, she said.

“I can’t.” The smile didn’t vanish from her lips. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“That’s okay. Then I’ll just have to try another time, I guess.” Our fingers brushed for a second when I handed her the bag with the two Stooges albums she bought, and just like that, she left. 

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and felt my shoulders slump.

“You don’t look too good, dude”, Ray stated matter-of-factly as he casually walked out from the storage room, carrying two boxes of magazines in his hands. “You should call it a day!”

“It’s only six, Ray.” I said, suddenly realizing that I was tired as fuck. I needed some rest, even though I was sure that I probably wouldn’t get any sleep. But I couldn’t stay here either; I could barely keep my eyes open.

“I mean, are you sure you won’t need me?”

“Don’t wet your panties, Frank, I got along quite well before you got here, remember?” He winked at me. I shot him a tired smile.

“Thanks, man. See you tomorrow!”

“Oh and, Frank?”

“Yup?”

“I’m glad you’re helping out now, ‘kay? Just wanted you to know.”  
This time I had to smile for real.

“Thank you.”

 

\---

Once the cold February air hit my face I was debating with myself whether to go home or kill time at someplace else, no matter where.  
Picking a pretty battered smoke from the back pocket of my jeans and lighting it, I settled on going home, what else was there for me to do?  
Another habit I had picked back up during the last few months; smoking.

Although the nights were becoming shorter again, at half past six it was still pretty dark already. I plugged in my mp3 player and shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my favorite hoodie, trying not to focus on the people and the traffic and the lights; just trying to zone out.

 

Until the dull ringtone of my phone ripped me from my thoughts. It took a moment until my clammy finders got hold of the phone, but eventually I managed to flip it open. The caller ID was some strange number I’d never seen before, and all I could think of was ‘leave me alone, asshole, I’m tired and exhausted and just wanna go home’ – but heck, why not _tell_ that fucker on the end of the line all that?  
Pissed; I picked up.

“Yeah?” 

“Fr- fuck, Frank?”, it croaked through the receiver. I was pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.  
Or several.

 

_“G-Gerard?”_


	23. Chapter 23

“You are a slut, Gerard”, he grunts. “You hear me? A slut! You don’t deserve it any better, look at you, it almost seems like you’re asking for it!” A distant chuckle. 

Gerard hears Shane’s words, hears the degrading insults spat at him, but he tries not to listen. He tries to focus on something, _anything_ but the pain as Shane thrusts into him over and over again. Tears spill from his eyes and into the pillow that’s already soaked with his own saliva. 

 

 _Back there again, Gee?._

“Fuck”, Shane groans, sounding pleased while grabbing harshly onto Gerard’s hips, pulling them up and thrusting deeper. Gerard gasps into the pillow and tastes nothing but damp fabric, swelling up into his mouth and suffocating him. He wants to scream, he wants to thrash, but his body is as useless as his mind.  
His nails scrape over the black sheets in a futile attempt of finding something to hold onto; to scramble away. 

“The reason you don’t really fight back”, Shane says, and every word is accompanied by another sharp thrust that screws Gerard further into the mattress and has his limbs flailing helplessly; “is because no matter how much you’d want to deny it, _you like it._ You’d just wish it was some cute little boy instead of me.”  
Gerard’s eyes snap open. _Please let me die._ His mind may not be able to form at least one coherent thought, but deep within spreads the wish to just stop existing, to be wiped from the surface of this earth, because everything is better than _that._ He hurts, he’s hurting so bad and it happens here, in his room, a place he’d at least felt moderately safe in, a place he’d never again feel safe in any way anymore and he’s taken like a cheap whore. 

Taken by his mother’s half-brother, _his uncle;_ while his father is probably watching TV just a few stairs away. And then he cries, he cries because he is so glad that Mikey isn’t home and he swears, he vows to never let anything like that happen to his baby brother, to rather die protecting him and then he feels it filling him, hot and wet and unforgiving and he just wants to crawl out of his skin and die. 

When Shane pulls out he sighs softly, not lifting his head from the pillow; feeling drained and exhausted. The grip on his hips disappears the moment cold air hits his exposed skin and he feels like shriveling into himself like a flower in the heat of the desert. Shane is saying something but he can’t hear it, he’s focusing on anything and nothing at the same time, trying to block out the pain and failing; instead feeling it dripping lazily from between his thighs. Blood. 

_No. Why am I back there? Stop, please, stop._

“Ugh, clean yourself up, you’re disgusting” Shane huffs and pulls his pants back up. Gerard feels too weak to even move.

“Seriously though, Gee, get yourself a boyfriend and make sure he fucks you regularly, because that whole bleeding thing is starting to annoy me.” He’s sounding so casually, so dismissively.  
“Well, whatever”, Shane grunts at the realization that he probably won’t get a reaction from Gerard, lifts himself from the bed and pats Gerard’s head, stroking through the bleached, sweat soaked strands.  
“See ya ‘round then, dude.” – and with that he’s gone. 

The door clicks shut and the tension falls off Gerard all at once, leaving him shuddering.  
"I will kill you." he whispers raspily and chokes on a sob when he hears his own, broken sounding voice. 

_Get back out there. Snap._

-

Gerard shot up in bed, the words still stuck at the back of his throat. _I will kill you._ Then suddenly, he thrashed and panicked for a moment because it just felt like someone was choking him, mercilessly squeezing the air out of his lungs.

_Calm down. It’s only a blanket. And that was just a dream. A nightmare. But it’s okay now, there’s no one there._

Just a dream. But too vivid. This wasn’t just a dream, this was a flashback.  
Taking a deep breath, Gerard slowly tried to relax his tense, aching shoulders. Pushing away the instant disorientation, he blinked a few times into the darkness of the dingy motel room. This was it now. This was his new life. His fingers felt around blindly for Mikey and he allowed himself to sigh in relief when his digits touched the outline of his baby brother’s sleeping form on the mattress right next to him. 

And then the nausea came back. Deliberately trying not to wake Mikey, Gerard slipped off the bed and into the small ensuite bathroom. It only took seconds until he was on his knees in front of the toilet.  
He resented it. He resented it all so much, the way his hands gripped onto the porcelain toilet seat, the way his intestines revolted; trying to get rid of things he would never be able to get rid of, and all that came out was bile. After a few minutes of dry retching he finally lifted himself up again, grabbing the grimy motel sink for support. He was sweating. The collar of his shirt was soaked already, his hair sticking to his forehead and he could feel cold, salty drops sliding down his spine. A sharp sting of phantom ache shot through his lower half and he screwed his eyes shut tightly.

_Breathe. It’s just imagination. You are not hurting. It's long over._

Opening his eyes again Gerard watched himself in the cracked mirror for a second, eyeing his hair. In the past two months it had grown out quite a lot, and now a few centimeters of his dark roots were already showing. He knew he had to dye it again if he ever wanted to be given a job; but this time he’d dye it black again. Or a dark shade of brown, the darkest he could find; that way it’d be way less attention-grabbing. 

_If I had money for shit like that._

Which was true. He was the one who let Mikey indulge him into leaving everything behind, he was the one responsible for his baby brother and now – fuck, how was it possible that they were almost out of money already? They only had a few hundred dollars left and the motel bill was still to be paid, not to mention that the car was dangerously low on gas. With what was left they wouldn’t even make it out of town before it’d break down. 

For a second Gerard felt like losing it, like breaking and screaming and trashing stuff; but once the moment slipped away, he had himself under control again. He had to. For Mikey’s sake. 

But staying in control was harder than ever and Gerard could feel the remains of the flashback tugging at his mind. Not now, not yet, _please stop._

He had to get out; he had to calm down, n o w. In a haze Gerard grabbed his jacket, sliding it over his sweat soaked shirt; slipped into his shoes and was stumbling down the stairs the moment he had managed to quietly shut the door after him.

He found himself out on the streets again, the cold February breeze pulling at the hem of his jacket; forcing him to huddle it tighter around his shivering frame. A car drove by, dangerously slow; side window suddenly pulling down and Gerard started to panic, frantically searching for a place to hide. His eyes darting around feverishly, he finally caught glimpse of a phone booth a few feet away. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _come on_ ” His trembling fingers slid on the greasy plastic handle before he finally managed to pull the creaky glass door open and slip into the booth.  
His mind was racing, his pulse going so fast and he felt sick to his stomach. 

_This is it. I can’t go further._

He knew he couldn’t. He knew he had failed. But he had to stay strong for his kid brother, for Mikey; had to play the tough one in front of him; but right now he knew he couldn’t keep it in any longer. A desperate, choked sob escaped his lips and he quickly clasped his hands in front of his mouth.  
 _Frank._  
No, he couldn’t reach out for Frank and fuck everything up again; it was his decision to go and leave him; what if he didn’t even want to talk to him? After all that happened, who could blame him?  
 _Frank._  
No. That train has left the station. There is no going back. 

_Frank. There is always a choice._

Not this time, Gerard. Not this time. This time you made your decision. It’s too late. 

_Screw you!_

Trembling fingers dipping into dirty jeans pockets in search for change. _Frank._  
Slowly inserting the coins. _Frank._  
Dialing the numbers that were burnt into his mind. _Frank._

 

Dialing tone. Heartbeat. _Frank._

 

One name, repeating itself over and over again in his mind, like a mantra; like a spell.  
On the other end of the line someone finally picked up.  
And like a drowning man grabbing for the last straw Gerard didn’t wait, didn’t hesitate before croaking “Fr- fuck – Frank?”

“G-Gerard?”

Relief washing over him like a tidal wave, because that voice alone was providing almost instant comfort.  
It sounded strong and promising, even if it was just a name, choked out by a boy as broken and helpless as Gerard himself. 

 

_I want to save you, and maybe, maybe then you’ll save me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short chapter, I know. And please don't hit me, but I'm afraid this is all I can give you before my final exams at Uni in two weeks. I'm sorry. But then again I didn't want to leave it like that for such a long period of time and so I decided to split the chapter in two and post Gerard's flashback and phonecall POV alone. 
> 
> The next chapter will have its usual length, I promise.  
> xo


	24. Chapter 24

The very moment I heard Gerard’s voice, my mind went blank. I stopped dead in my tracks; it was as if I had forgotten how to walk. My brain just couldn’t process it – I had been waiting weeks, months for that call; had thought that moment when it’d finally happen over and over again in my head; playing through every possible scenario, which ended, no exceptions, the same way each single fucking time: with me tearing Gerard a new one for not only running away without telling me, but also leaving me with no sign of life for fucking months. 

And now? I wasn’t even angry. I had spent all those weeks stacking up that rage and frustration inside my chest and now that I finally had the chance to confront him and blast it all out, I felt no need to. I tried listening into that confusing, tangled pile of emotions inside my gut for a bit, and found out that the only thing I felt was _relief_. Relief that he was still alive and breathing. 

I must have been silent for more than just a few seconds because suddenly I heard a choked sound through the receiver, followed by Gerard coughing awkwardly, mumbling “I’m sorry, Frank, I shouldn’t have called, I-“; and before I could think any better of it, I yelled “NO!” into the speaker, clutching my phone even tighter than before, ducking into some quieter side alley. 

“Don’t you fucking _dare_ hanging up, Gerard!”; I realized I was sounding hysteric and a bit out of breath, so I tried to tone it down a little. “If you hang up now, Gerard, I swear I’ll-“; I cut myself off. Yeah, then what? It wasn’t like I could have done anything. I was fucking powerless.  
I could hear Gerard’s uneven breathing on the other end of the line and squeezed my eyes shut, imagining him in that phonebooth, probably clutching the receiver with both hands, shoulders hunched like they always were; twisting the wire between his restless fingers. 

“I’m almost out of minutes”, Gerard all but whispered into the croaky, static silence. In my mind this all had gone so different. I somehow had been dumb enough to think that if Gerard called he’d cry his eyes out about how he missed me and how every shit is better faced together and then I’d talk him into coming back – yeah I know how fucking stupid and cheesy that sounds and I still want to punch myself for even thinking like that, but thing is, I couldn’t help it.  
Reality though, was having none of it all. 

“Why are you calling?”, I asked after another few wasted seconds, knowing I was sounding bitter. I heard Gerard swallow and take a deep breath before answering. 

“I don’t know. I had a nightmare- I was feeling pretty bad, I guess. And I had to get my shit back together, for Mikey…”

“And now you have”, I spat, and I still hate myself for that.

“Yeah, I have”, Gerard said absent-mindedly and I could hear him inserting another coin. 

“What kind of nightmare?” I leaned back against the brick wall and watched the puffs of breath leaving my mouth in the cold air. 

“More like a flashback”, Gerard mumbled, clearing his throat. “It’s nothing.”

I didn’t know what to say. I mean I wanted to say so many things to him, but I couldn’t find the words. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t conjoin my thoughts into coherent sentences. So after another while, all I said was: “So?”

“I- I don’t know”, Gerard’s voice sounded even more distant than before. 

“Are you coming back?” I was actually taken aback by the coldness in my own voice.  
I was feeling fucking hurt; there was no point in denying that. But this - this was no reason to behave like I did. And to be selfish enough to think that if I somehow made Gerard feel bad– feel even worse – about himself, he’d come back because he’d see no other choice than to. I was behaving basely, I was a fucking gutless cunt, and the worst thing was that I was fully aware of it. I knew I was hurting Gerard even further, but I felt so _hurt_ myself, that I didn’t know better than to lash out at the one person who deserved it the least. 

“I- I don’t know, Frankie. N-not yet anyway. It’s just-“, he cut himself off and fell silent again. I was starting to become annoyed with all that goddamned silence. 

“Can you do something other than fucking stutter?” I suddenly snapped because I lost it, I lost my patience and I had to get rid of all that pent-up frustration that caused to form a big lump in my throat that I failed over and over again to swallow somehow. I could almost feel Gerard flinch at the harshness of my words. 

“I-I”, he stammered, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. 

“You are a coward, Gerard. You knew I could have helped you, you knew I could. I even found someone who knows shit and could have helped us getting you and Mikey out of there and I was about to tell you on Christmas morning, Gerard, right when you’d have woken up! I just didn’t want to bring the subject up and ruin the one good holiday you had since god knows when! And what did you do? You fucking ran, Gerard! You ran and left me behind to clean up the mess. You wormed yourself into my life, turned it upside down and then left me! Just like that! For fucking months I didn’t even know whether you were still alive, which, and I’m fucking sorry, leads me to believe you never even cared for me in the first place! Well, at least not enough to slip me your plans of great escape”, I took a shuddery breath, realizing all of a sudden that I was crying. “You know, with all the great talk of me being so important to you, I’d honestly expected a little more than a goddamn note!”  
I hurt. I was hurting so much and I wanted nothing more than to gather Gerard into my arms again and hold him, just fucking keep him close to me and make sure he’d never run away again. Being so damn far away and being unable to do _anything at all_ about it; it literally felt like my fucking heart was bleeding out.

“You are a coward, Gerard”, I whispered. “A fucking coward.”

 

“And I love you”, I said, but he didn’t hear it anymore, because with one last, ugly sob, the line went dead. 

“Fuck, Gerard” I stared into the darkness, grabbing my phone so tightly my fingers started trembling. “I love you. I love you, you idiot, I love you. Fuck.”

“FUCK YOU!” with a frustrated cry, I reached out and smashed it against the opposite brick wall, fisted my hands into my hair and tore at it, before I – for real – broke down on my knees, crying. 

 

If I’d had a gun then, I probably would’ve pulled the trigger. 

 

***

 

“Trouble in paradise?” a voice cut clear through the air, seething with malice. 

I didn’t even need to turn my head to see who it was. I just wondered how he had found me. I quickly wiped the tears and snot off on my sleeve; that piece of shit didn’t deserve seeing me like that.  
Then slowly, I got to my feet. 

“Fuck off”, it was a low growl, a final warning. 

“C’mon Frankie, don’t be like that! Long time no see, eh? I just wanna have a little chat.”

“I’m not interested.” I pressed my lips together tightly and walked over to the wall I had thrown my phone against mere moments ago. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Shane casually strolling over to me. I knew I should have done what my instincts were telling me; I should have run the fuck away. But I had to get my phone back; I had to see if it was still intact, had to see if I’d just destroyed my very last connection to Gerard in the heat of the moment. 

So I breathed in and ignored Shane, blended him out completely to search for my phone – until I saw it lying on the concrete. The back of its battery cover had broken off and the display was cracked, but other than that it was still working. I released a breath I hadn’t noticed I’d been holding.

I also hadn’t noticed that Shane had managed to get within arm’s reach by then. I whirled around and stared at him furiously, feeling more and more like a cornered animal with every passing second. 

 

“Hey, don’t I know that look from somewhere?” Shane chimed in, all conversational. “Gee had the same one in his eyes on the rare occasions he fought back!”  
I closed my eyes and flexed my fingers in a futile attempt of calming myself down and not attacking that sick fuck again like I did not so long ago. Because unfortunately, this time there was no Alicia to get me out. 

“If you only came here to talk shit about Gerard, you’ve been wasting your time”, I said, seemingly void of any emotion. On the inside, I was boiling.

“You know, I’ve been wondering… I bet you would have been much more of a fight there, wouldn’t you, Frankie? I mean with Gee it was almost boring at times. He was just crying like a sissy at first but once he got a taste he couldn’t stop begging for it like the little slut he is.”

I felt my blood run cold; but I continued concentrating on my breathing and eventually managed to calm myself again. I even yawned. “You bore me, Shane. Go find yourself another sick hobby; Gerard is gone and you’ll never see him again.” I waved him off dismissively and was about to make my way back to the main street when suddenly he said something that made me freeze on the spot. 

 

“Don’t you wanna know how much of a slut your precious little Gerard really was?”

 

Once Shane noticed that I’d stopped in my tracks, I heard him chuckle. He had me right where he wanted me.

“Thought so.” He was gloating. All I could picture in my mind was me lacing my fingers around his throat, one by one, squeezing every bit of undeserved life out of his shriveling lungs. 

“One time after a visit – and what special visit that was”, he stopped there in false reminiscence and I had to bite my tongue to keep from throwing myself at him.  
“- I snatched that stupid sketchbook of his while he was blacked out on his bed. And you wouldn’t believe what I found there – apart from a few doodles and some pathetic attempts at writing lyrics – I found loads of interesting thoughts about _you_. It was eye-opening, believe me. Your innocent little Gerard was writing all sorts of dirty things he’d wanna do to you, not to mention the things he wanted you to do to him, sweet mother Mary”, the corners of Shane’s lips twisted into an obnoxious smirk. “Just let me tell you, these were superb jack off material, better than actual porn. You know what makes ‘em better? It’s because they’re the slutty fantasies of a little boy that had so much shit happen to him in his life and still thinks his white knight in shining armor will one day come and rescue him. It’s hilarious!” He snickered. 

I was feeling physically sick by now. Shane came even closer and sneered: “There you have your little whore. He was asking for it every fucking time. Like I already fucking said, I just bet he wished it was you instead of me, because oh Frankie, _you’re his living fantasy…_ ”

That was enough. I turned to look him in the eye one last time, scraped together every ounce of disdain I could muster – and spat him right in the face. 

I found out that maybe I really shouldn’t have done that a second later when his fist collided with my head, right above my right eye. Admittedly, that bastard throws a mean punch. In fact so mean it knocked me cleanly off my feet and I landed ass-first on the ground. It left head spinning and I could see tiny dots dancing around my line of vision. With shaky hands I tried pushing myself back up again right when the first kick to my stomach came – I swear I’ve never felt so much pain before in my life. The wind got knocked right out of my lungs and I doubled over; landing on the grimy cobble once more.  
I coughed, desperately trying to fill my lungs with air again when Shane suddenly grabbed the collar of my jacket and hauled me back up. He slammed me against the brick wall with a force that had my head snap against the stone and for a second I could have sworn I was going to black out. 

“Dammit Frankie, don’t go sleeping now”, Shane scolded me, sounding a little pissed. I merely groaned and tried to shove him off me, but much to my embarrassment I was too disoriented, too weak. 

“It’s okay, Frankie, okay…”, Shane mumbled, patting my face. “Breathe, just breathe; didn’t mean to knock ya lights out, you hear me? I’m sorry”, he chuckled throatily. Tasting coppery liquid, I acknowledged I must have bitten the inside of my cheek when he threw my head against the wall. I used it to my advantage and spat a fair amount of blood and spit right into his face.  
When I half-braced myself for another blow, kick or whatever, he only smiled at me.

“T’is okay, I guess that makes us even, doesn’t it? I was just fooling around a bit, you know? We friends, right, you and I? Cause Gee’s friends are my friends, Frankie!”

I groaned again and brought a shaky hand up to touch my black eye. It was already a little swollen and felt odd to the touch. A small spot of skin right beneath my eyebrow must have broken though, because when I retrieved my hand I saw a tiny amount of dark red, sticky liquid smeared on the digits of my fingers. 

“You”, I grit out with great difficulty; still feeling sick to the gut, desperately trying to gather myself back together again. “-are shit, Shane. Scum, vermin, - even dirt on the sole of my shoe would be too kind-“; I stopped myself and shuddered as a wave of nausea rolled over me- “expressions for you. You’re shit, nothing more. But you won’t see Gerard ever again in the rest of your pathetic life and to be honest, if that means I’ll never see him again as well, I’ll happily oblige. Because fuck you, you piece of shit and now leave me the fuck alone or I’ll throw up right into your face!”

Surprisingly, he loosened his grip and thankfully, I sank back to my knees. My heart was pounding in my chest and I wasn’t exactly sure how much longer I would have been able to hold myself up.

 

“Who even says I’m never seeing him again?” Shane drawled; his voice sickeningly sweet, like glazed sugar. “See Frankie, there’s obviously one little thing about Gee you’ve been too dumb to notice before – he’s pretty fucked up. Oh wait, this is so painfully obvious even you must have noticed. Well, what I mean is the fact that little Gee is so goddamned dramatic. He’s a _martyr_. Self-destruction, he needs it like air. Guess it’s his way of not going completely bonkers”, he laughed again. I tried to concentrate my mind on the vermin that left his mouth and keeping myself from blacking out.

“Oh, is what I’m telling you so boring, Frankie?” Shane fake-pouted, noticing I was trying hard not to zone off. 

“Guess I gotcha a little too hard – sorry for that. Point of what I’m tryin’a say, is, Gerard has his fair share of weak spots. And I’m not dumb, no matter how bad you’d like me to be – I need him. See, you both could pretty much ruin my life with all your silly accusations – even though it’s bullshit and mine and Gerard’s encounters were completely consensual – okay, maybe like, 50% consensual”; another ugly laughter. I retched. 

“Whatever, I need you both to shut your cakeholes and keep all this our little secret, got me? And knowing that you’re his weak spot and in turn, he’s yours, all I need to do is get me _that_.”

And with that he suddenly brought his hand dangerously close to my crotch. I started to panic a little. 

“ _Get.your.dirty.hands.off.me._ ” 

I hated how heavy my tongue was feeling. I tried to scowl at him but I could barely even keep my eyelids open. My whole skull felt like it was screwed into a bench vise.  
Shane chuckled and slowly shook his head.

“God Frankie, could you get your mind out of the gutter please? You’re hot, but not everyone is tryin’ to get into your pants, you know?” The smile that was plastered on his face when he reached into my pocket was downright sardonic. It got even broader when he found what he was looking for and pulled out my battered phone.

“I think I’ll be keeping this in case Gerry calls again – hope you don’t mind. But this thing’s pretty smashed anyway so I’m sure you won’t. Mommy’ll buy you a new one”, he winked at me. 

My eyes widened in shock. No. no, no fucking no. In vain I pulled myself up using the wall behind me as support and tried to throw myself at him – but once I was on my feet the immediate pain shooting through my skull had me swaying; tumbling backwards. Helplessly, I tried pressing my fingers to my temples in an attempt of somehow easing the pain. 

“Frank; Frankie, what did I tell ya? Slow movements, and don’t forget to breathe! Well, I gotta go now, but I’m sure we’ll see each other soon, buddy!”

His words were not much more than a blur to me when I stumbled back to grip onto the wall behind me for support again; breathing jagged. Slowly, almost tentatively, my surroundings became less fuzzy and the stinging pain in my skull gave away to a dull headache.  
I re-opened my eyes just in time to see Shane moving so much closer; so close I was able to feel his breath in my ear, slow and unforgiving like my own heartbeat. 

“I’m _convinced_ we both are gonna see Gee again very soon”, he whispered and actually mouthed at my ear. This time I had the strength to push him away.  
Shane just laughed at me and turned to walk away. 

 

“I’ll be in touch Frankie, and – if I were you I’d find myself someone to patch me up – you don’t look too well with all that blood smeared over your face. Sorry again for that, but sometimes I just don’t know my own strength – ask Gerard!”  
I whimpered in frustration as the echo of his shallow laughter slowly got lost in between the buildings. 

 

And then I lost it. Gerard, I’m sorry, but I lost it. I didn’t give a fuck about my dignity when I crawled after him, screaming my lungs out.  
“GET BACK HERE! GET BACK HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID ENOUGH! LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE, I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL KILL YOU, I-“, I almost choked on the tears that were streaming down my face. 

By the time I had screamed my voice hoarse I was practically lying in the dirt, and I couldn’t even bother to get back up. I just wanted to stay there; until someone mugged me, pissed on me, killed me – whatever. I didn’t even care. I didn’t even care one last bit about what would happen to me – all I could think of was Gerard, and how I’d handed him over to the lion like a piece of meat.

 

Between all those tears, the snot and the smeared blood; the ache, the pain and the humiliation I was too delirious to see what I see now. My infatuation, my _obsession_ with Gerard had reached a stage where it wasn’t funny or harmless anymore. 

It had managed to put myself into the cross wires.

 

And now, it was far too late to get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, guys, but we're nearing the end of this. ^.^
> 
> I still can't believe how fucking long this story got and at this point all I want to do is thank each and every one of you who stuck with me and this story so far - you guys are the reason I keep going, just so you know! 
> 
> I love you all; honestly, if I could I'd bake you all muffins and tuck you in at night! :D


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, writig about this isn't easy for me, and I've debated for quite a while whether I should share this or not.  
> I've been battling depression for over half a year now. I recently thought I was finally getting better, but i'm having a relapse and falling back into old patterns I thought I had overcome.  
> The thing is, I'm feeling like a worthless piece of shit, and so seems everything I do lately. I really want to give this story my best effort, but it just seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get things written down the way I want them to be. I'm not telling you this no get reassurance on my work - I know when I'm producing shit and when not. This just sat heavy on my heart, and I wanted to let you know tht this is also part of the reason I'm taking so long to update - I simply have to push myself to update because it never seems good enough to me. I'm sincerely hoping that I will be able to write good stuff again soon.  
> Until then I want to once again thank each and everyone who is still reading, commenting and leaving kudos - in short, making me feel a little less like shit.  
> I love you all, I really do.

By the time Gerard stumbled out of the phone booth, he was crying. He hated it, and he wanted to be strong, not to care at fucking all; but the tears streaming down his face didn’t seem to stop.

“Fuck”, he mumbled and wiped at his tears with the corner of his sleeve, only smearing them and making his eyes look even redder. 

He had fucked up with Frank. For once and for all. Frank didn’t even want him back anymore, that much was clear; and Gerard couldn’t even blame him. He’d been trying to help Gerard, and Gerard appreciated it, he really did; but what did Frank know? Frank didn’t know how to handle situations like this; he didn’t know shit about Donald Way and how far he was willing to go. Did he really think it would be easy to free him from his oppressive father’s clutches? His _abusive_ father?  
Gerard sighed. He felt worn out, exhausted, jaded as he crept down the deserted streets; he didn’t feel like going ‘home’ any soon. He didn’t know what to tell Mikey when he woke up – he didn’t know what to tell anybody anymore.  
Gerard didn’t want it; all that responsibility sitting on his shoulders, lurking heavily; weighing, _dragging_ him down. He hadn’t even left a note on Mikey’s pillow to tell him where he’d gone. But Mikey had orders for that case; strict orders that had been the conditions on which Gerard agreed to run away. One of them, the most important one actually, was that Mikey would under all costs stay at the motel and wait until morning to go after him or alarm the cops in case Gerard should have gone missing and didn’t come home the night. 

Gerard wished he had managed to get them convincing fake IDs by now; but everything was so hard once you were out in the open. You didn’t know who to approach, who was trustworthy and who would stab you in the back with a dull knife the second he was offered a chance to.  
It’s supposed to be like a band aid you rip off; running away that is. If it’s done right what you do is you cut off all your strings and be free. You float away to see new lands, and no one can hold you back. Gerard had thought he’d cut off all his strings, but the one that was attaching him to Frank had been hard to cut. That bastard had been of a thicker wire than the others. Apart from Frank and Mikey there barely had been anything left that was tying Gerard to Jersey. Now Gerard knew he hadn’t cut Frank’s string right; otherwise he would have never crept back like a coward and called him in the first place. 

He had sworn to himself that this chapter was closed, that he would move on without Frank because he had to, but the thing was, he didn’t want to. He wanted someone at his side, he _needed_ someone. Someone other than Mikey, someone he could run to and hide if the world seemed to tumble down on him; someone who could for a change provide comfort and not be on the receiving end. It was selfish and dumb, and now he had messed up. Frank had told him what he thought of him, had spat right into his face what a coward Gerard was in his eyes. 

While walking, Gerard hugged himself tighter, trying to keep his exhausted body from shivering and failing. He had never felt so alone ever before. In the fog that crept down the deserted streets it hit him with the full weight of an 18 wheeler truck: he had lost.  
He and Mikey had run away and reached a dead end. They were almost out of money, in fact there was barely any left over to buy food and drinks if they wanted to keep themselves a roof over their heads – and they were already staying at the cheapest, sketchiest and most run down motel this town had to offer.  
Apart from that, Gerard knew he would soon have to buy some aspirin and other meds for Mikey, since he’d been carrying a cold around for a few days now and hadn’t gotten any better. 

And he still hadn’t managed to get a job. He’d been applying at all kinds of restaurants, diners, shops and markets in the small town they had stranded in, but hardly anyone would even look twice at a stray with messy hair, worn out clothes and no legal documents – he had managed to find Mikey’s before they ran away, but his father must have locked his passport away somewhere, so all Gerard had been left with was his driver’s license and his personal ID. He had no birth certificate, no registration form – nothing. And he had come to realize that the townspeople obviously didn’t feel like bending the law in favor of helping someone in need.

_Maybe we’ll have better luck in the next town though._

Still, Gerard knew if he wanted to have a chance, he’d have to tidy his appearance a little. He’d have to dye his hair again, and maybe even get a cheap suit for any possible job interviews. But his hair – he lifted a hand to rake through the floppy strands – the platinum blonde had grown out a few centimeters already and let his natural, dark brown color show at the roots which made it look messy and unkempt. The frustrating thing was however, he barely had any money to buy food for Mikey, so what he really couldn’t fucking afford were another eight dollars for a pack of hair dye. 

When he started shivering so madly his whole body tensed and his muscles contracted painfully, Gerard had to stop in his tracks for a moment. It only lasted for a few seconds, but afterwards he felt even more miserable than before. He reached into his back pocket in the almost hopeless search for any change left; only finding a crumpled ten dollar bill. With that he wouldn’t even be able to buy more than a meager breakfast and maybe some aspirin for Mikey. For a split second Gerard felt like crying again, but he took a deep breath and swallowed it down, quickly walking across the street and towards the blinking, neon ‘open 24h’ sign of a small corner store at the end of a parking lot. 

He still had to mentally kick himself to walk into a store like that every single fucking time. Most of the time he half expected to be met with Shane’s crooked smile behind a counter, greeting him in a mocking way. And although it never happened, Gerard sometimes went limp once he entered one of those creaky glass doors, especially those with tiny, rusty sounding bells attached to them; waiting for Shane to come and grab him, hurt him, but he never did.  
It never happened anymore.  
He was free.

Or so he tried to convince himself. _Free._  
The word tasted stale and cruel in his mouth, like a broken promise from a close friend, like a betrayal from a loved one. And in a way it was; a betrayal that is. 

All he ever wanted was to be free, to cut off those horrible strings that tied him to his cage and float away; but not that he did he felt emptier than ever.  
Because the world never prepares you for something like that. It just likes to see you suffer, it really does.  
It lures you in with fake promises and then laughs straight into your face when nothing turns out the way you wanted it to. 

The only thing Gerard found himself wanting right then was Frank. 

_Frankie…_

 

Taking a deep breath he shook the thought of Frank off, the thought of his soft eyes and his warm smile that could turn into the world’s most goofiest grin in a matter of seconds; his dark, thick hair and all the colorful tattoos snaking down his skin, each telling a story of its own that Gerard never bothered to learn. Now all he wanted was to know the chapters of Frank’s life that led to him imprinting them permanently on his skin, even if they were only boring and unspectacular ones like him seeing a thing on the internet he liked and deciding to get it tattooed.  
Basically, all Gerard craved was to listen to Frank talk, no matter what about; to wrap himself into the sound of his voice, bathing in the comfort. 

Gerard didn’t realize he had entered the store and was now standing in the main aisle, his clammy hands pressed against his wet cheeks were the fucking tears were streaming their way out of his goddamn eye sockets again, until a voice ripped him from his stupor. 

“Everything alright, sweetie?” Gerard sucked in a harsh breath and jerked his head into the direction the voice came from, spotting an elderly, worried looking woman behind the shop’s counter. He quickly wiped away the tears and tried for a smile, almost bursting into sobs again when all the corners of his mouth seemed to do was twitch weakly. He felt so damn wrecked.  
“Come over here, darling!” the old lady said and waved him over. Gerard reluctantly complied. Upon closer examination he noticed that she had her left arm in a slightly battered cast, and her surprisingly thick grayish hair tied back in a loose bun. Her smile was tired but warm, oh so warm, and Gerard instantly felt drawn to it. He looked down at himself and almost felt ashamed of his own appearance. His clothes looked pretty worn-down already, because since he hadn’t taken a lot of them with him he was wearing the same outfit most of the time. He quickly brushed his trembling hands down the front of his hoodie in a feeble attempt of flattening it down a little. 

“Now, now”, the lady said in a soothing voice, “what’s so bad there is a reason to cry about it, hm?”  
Gerard sniffed and had to smile despite himself. 

“Oh nothing. J-just – life tends to suck sometimes.” He muttered.

“Oh boy. You are not from around here, are you, sweetie?” she said and her forehead wrinkled with worry. Gerard was confused. What did she care? Did he remind her of her own lost grandson or shit like that?  
Suddenly he became angry, and it scared him. He hated how defensive and distrusting of other people he had become. He hated how all of this was Shane’s and his father’s fault. They both had molded him mercilessly to their own likings, leaving him stripped raw to his very core; scared and cornered like a wild animal. Gerard set his jaw defiantly. 

“I’m from Jersey”, he grit out and tore away his gaze; not being able to bear looking into her concerned little eyes for one more second. 

“Jersey? That’s quite a trip. Are you here alone? How old are you even, sweetie?” Gerard tensed up even further. What’s with all the sudden questions? Was she a cop? A spy sent by Shane?

_Cut it out; you’re going fucking crazy already…_

He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and bit his tongue before answering, pushing away the stupid thoughts. This was after all just an old lady who worried about him for reasons old ladies worry about random people. 

“I’m 21, ma’am. I’m travelling with my younger brother.” Gerard said, still avoiding her eyes. 

“Oh dear”, she muttered. “Are you - I'm sorry for being so blunt, but - are you short on money, sweetie?” she asked in a hushed voice, even though the store was nearly empty.  
She wished she hadn’t though when she saw his cheeks flush with embarrassment as he muttered something incoherent and disappeared between the shelves, his head bowed. 

\---

She knew a stray when she saw one; too many of them had ended up in her store. Boys and girls of all ages, each of them carrying around a different story, but they all had one thing in common: they were all running away from something, something so bad that made them leave everything behind. Their families, their homes, their friends – everything. Sometimes it was only wanderlust or hunger for the great wide open; but something told her that with the boy currently sharing at a crumpled ten dollar bill in his trembling hands as if he was contemplating how much he could buy with it; this wasn’t the case. That boy right before had seen horrors no one his age should have; of that she was certain. And now he was standing there, looking so fragile and broken it almost brought tears to her eyes. She had no son or grandson he could have reminded her of, but something about him made her want to cradle him into her arms and hold him close until the pain went away.  
21, her ass! The poor thing looked barely 17, too young to take care of himself and now he even had to look after his little brother…  
Suddenly, she got an overwhelming urge do do something for him; _anything._ . She tore her eyes away from him, still standing with hunched shoulders right in front of a rack with magazines and books; and went backwards into her small closet. She pulled out a paper bag and started going through her own purse. She didn’t know what the poor thing was in need of and was afraid he’d bolt away if she asked him, so she put out everything she deemed useful to him in one way or another. What she found was a half full pack of Tylenol she had in there for her headaches, some band aids, a small pocket knife and three chocolate bars. She threw everything into the paper bag and then, after hesitating for a few heartbeats packed some sweets and three cans of meat into it before folding it closed and re-emerging from the back closet.

She mustered she’d have to hurry up because the way the boy’s eyes darted around as if he was afraid someone could come and grab him suggested he wanted to be out of here as soon as possible. When she finally perched the filled bag on top of the counter she feared for a second he’d slipped away when she wasn’t looking – and almost sighed in relief when she saw him shuffling over – a pack of Doritos, some sandwiches, two bottles of water, a candy bar and one of those 20 page amazing spider man issues from the magazine racks in his hands.  
He dropped everything on the counter without looking up, and handed her the crumpled ten dollar bill with trembling fingers. She packed everything in another paper bag and handed him both. He was looking at her baffled and parted his lips to say something when she shushed him and said “Don’t worry sweetie, you remind me of my darling son when he was young and so I figured I’d pack you a few things you and your kid brother might need on your journey!” 

Gerard stared at her, frozen to the spot. He wasn’t used to spontaneous acts of kindness like that; he didn’t know how to respond at all.  
“I-“, he began; searching for words. “Th-that’s very kind of you, but you don’t have to-“

She interrupted him, putting her hands up. “I know I don’t have to, sweetie, but be so nice and do an old gal like me the favor of letting her help a darling young man like you are.” She offered him a smile so warm Gerard could feel his cheeks heating up and had to look away. 

Abashed, he mumbled his thanks and grabbed both bags. He tried offering her an honest, grateful smile and for once it worked. She smiled back and suddenly Gerard felt his throat tighten painfully, as if someone was choking him. He nodded at her and then bowed his head again, practically bolting outside the store. He couldn't stand a stranger being so nice to him without reason; he felt the urge to get away and so he ran; all the way over to the other end of the empty parking lot where the street lights were so dim that even if the old lady looked out her shop window, she wouldn’t be able to make out anything more than silhouettes. 

Suddenly all the exhaustion from before came crushing down on him again and he sunk to his knees, setting the bags down on to a piece of ripped off plastic that lay on the ground so they wouldn’t get soaked; sat down on the icy curb and buried his face in his hands.  
He felt like screaming, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out but a choked sound, wrecking his throat. He had never felt so desperate in his life before. It was eating away at him, devouring him alive and he couldn’t get it out, couldn’t get the feeling to leave. It just stayed, and stayed, and pierced right into his heart.

He wanted to go somewhere, but he didn’t know where. He didn’t want to go back to Mikey, to have to look down into his big, adoring eyes and have him tell him he was the best big brother one could wish for when he knew all he did was letting them both down. He couldn’t even remember when they last had something decent to eat. He just wanted to get Mikey something proper to eat; something warm and fat, because he was slowly getting the feeling that Mikey got skinnier with every passing day. He would have done anything to get the money for that.

Besides that, he wanted loved. He wanted cared after.  
He wanted Frank.  
He felt pathetic, but he felt so alone. In fact, he wanted Frank so bad it was physically hurting him, and knowing he alone had destroyed everything he had with Frank only made it worse. It made his gut tighten and his head swim. It was horrible and it hurt so, so much. 

Gerard felt like he’d sat there for hours when he looked up again, but all that could have passed were minutes. The invading brightness of a car’s headlights pierced into his eyes and he had to shield them with his arm until they flashed off. A dark, expensive looking car had parked right in front of him. At first, Gerard didn’t pay much attention to it, he just grabbed his bags and was about to go, when suddenly the passenger door opened and a man leaned over the clutch and passenger seat.  
Suddenly Gerard felt uneasy again; he quickly wiped away his tears and turned on his heel, ready to leave; ignoring the strange guy. Not long after he started walking over the empty parking lot he heard the engine starting again and the car came after him, going at walking pace. Gerard clutched his bags tighter to his chest by the time the man driving pulled down the window. He knew he had still a few minutes of walking left before he’d reach the motel. 

His pulse began speeding up when he heard a deep, clear voice.  
“Need a ride?” It was casual, not one bit sounding flirtatious; it almost seemed bored. 

“No thanks”, Gerard said, his voice shaking at the edges. “I’m almost home.”

“Hm.” The man said and Gerard could almost feel him shrugging despite himself deliberately paying attention on looking away. 

“Just thought you’d maybe need a ride, you looked like it. I saw you at that trashhole of a corner shop”, he chuckled coldly. “I figured you need some money, maybe.”  
Gerard froze in his tracks and the car stopped. The voice didn’t sound all casual and dismissive anymore, it sounded condescending and dangerous. 

Gerard tried to keep his breathing even, not to show that he was starting to feel really uncomfortable. The man knew he had him like a fish on a hook. 

“What do you say to a hundred bucks?” He watched closely as Gerard swallowed and grasped his bags even tighter. He loved it. This was the best thing about picking up strays, runaways or addicts – most of the time they were no hookers. They weren’t willing to sell themselves, but in the end they always did if you only waved enough money in front of their faces. And the part he loved the most, the part he lived for was that broken look of utter degradation on their faces once he was done with them and left them lying on his backseat after fucking them – when it sunk into their little minds what they just did. What they just reduced themselves to. It was beautiful, it was like a rush to him – and this one, this little pretty stray was just perfect. He seemed alone and tired – this one had nowhere to go. Except maybe his little brother, in case he hadn’t lied to the cashier before, that is.

“Don’t worry”, he said in a bored voice, “all you have to do is put those lips to a good use.” He then saw a flicker in the boy’s eyes and knew he had him. 

Gerard licked his lips and stared holes into the pavement. His head started spinning again and all he could think of was how he’d sworn to himself he’d never again sink down on his knees in front of someone for money again. 

_But 100 bucks…_ No. 

_But you could really need the money… and it’ll be a onetime thing… just to get money for gas, meds and hair dye so we could leave this town…_ No. 

_No one would ever know it…_ But Frank- 

Gerard shook his head and pushed the thought away. Frank was gone and he didn’t want anything to do with Gerard anymore. He had cut off Frank’s string, for his own sake.  
And he needed the money so bad…

After a few minutes of agonizingly boring waiting, his little stray finally seemed to have made up his pretty mind, and – crawled into the passenger seat. He could have laughed at how easy to see through they all were, but he managed to keep his poker face on.

“What’s your name?” he asked nonchalantly, as if just to make conversation. 

“Frank.” His little stray didn’t seem like breaking down anymore, he seemed tense and aware, but otherwise almost calm and collected. He definitely had done this before. He didn’t know whether that fact meant disappointment or even greater fun for him later.  
Well, will see.

“You don’t look like a Frank, pretty”, the guy said and Gerard flinched. Why he had said Frank’s name he didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt saying his name and thinking him but that he didn’t want the fucking guy whose dick he was going to suck to drag his own name through the dirt and the first fucking name he could think of was Frank’s. _How pathetic._

\---

He wasn’t dumb. He knew his little stray had given him a false name, but he couldn’t care less. Their lives were none of his interest. Their misery was what made living out his fantasies so much easier, and that’s what counted. 

“Here?” his little stray choked out, trying to sound tough and he could have just laughed again. That boy certainly had done this before, but not very often.  
“Not here”, he answered, still keeping his voice even. “But just around the corner is a big parking lot where no one would see.”

His pretty stray merely nodded and set down his filthy little bags next to his feet. He looked tense; keeping his eyes on the road, swallowing hard a few times.  
The drive didn’t even last two minutes, but the location was perfect. The parking lot belonged to a rather big supermarket and was so wide and dark around the corners no one would either see or care about what one did there. He often took his strays here, kept the heating running in his car to fog up all the windows; making sure no one could see inside. Not that anyone was ever around at that time of night, but anyway. He watched with glee as his little stray eased up under the warmth of the heating. 

“Okay, now let’s get down to business, shall we?” he said, barely hiding his anticipation at seeing the boy tense up again. “I’ll give you a hundred, as promised, and I will give them to you in advance. If you decide to let me fuck you, I will give you another hundred. If you don’t that’s alright with me. But even if you don’t, I have a few rules for that amount of money.” He watched his prey’s pretty face harden in the dim street light before he continued.  
“I know you are no whore, but tonight you are going to feel like one. I’m allowed to touch you.”

He stared down into his passenger’s eyes, watching a beautiful range of emotions, one more desperate than the last, flicker over his face.  
Now he was waiting.

 

\---

“Y-you won’t get to fuck me”, Gerard grit out, trying to keep his voice from faltering. The thought of it alone made his whole body go rigid with panic.  
“You get a blowjob, that’s all. And don’t fucking try any tricks on me, got it?” The more he looked into the man’s bored eyes; the more he knew the situation was getting out of hand for him.  
But right then, there was no going back anymore. He _had_ fucked up, he _was_ fucked up and he felt like he deserved all of this. 

“Then at least take that off!” the guy said, sounding a little pissed while pointing at Gerard’s hoodie. After a moment of contemplating, Gerard eventually started pulling it over his head, his t shirt soon following after.

 

Gerard felt numb and a little nauseous by the time he was shirtless and the man was running his hands up and down his sides. He felt as if he was at that fucking stranger’s mercy.

 _You fucking idiot what have you done?_ – Something I had to, to survive. 

_You didn’t have to do_ this. _You are a whore, a fucking disgrace!_ \- 

I just- I don’t care anymore.

 

Gerard bit his lip and shook off the thoughts, desperately trying to concentrate on the here and now. Somehow they had ended up on the guy’s backseat, himself still fully clothed while Gerard had to sit on his lap with spread legs, wondering, dreading what was about to come. He had tried to get over with the blowjob, but the guy hadn’t let him. Gerard felt more and more anxious by the second, what if that guy was some fucking pervert with weird, fucked up fetishes? He was no hooker! What the hell was he fucking thinking doing this? What was he fucking thinking getting himself in such a situation?

Gerard felt them approach and tried to bite them back; but eventually couldn’t help the small sobs that escaped his throat. He wanted Mikey. He wanted Frank. _Frank, help me! Get me out of here, please, I beg you! Frankie…_  
Except no one was hearing him. Frank wasn't there.  
When he closed his eyes in shame and degradation, the guy forced his jaw up with his fingers and met Gerard’s bloodshot eyes with his cold ones. 

“Look at me! Being ashamed of yourself is not going to do you any good. The damage is already done, you see?”; he mocked and widened his thighs a little so Gerard had to spread his legs even further and grab the backrest behind the guy for support. 

“I-I’d like to get over with it”, Gerard gasped, feeling light-headed, his voice sounding panicked; “right fucking now!”

“Jeez, you are no fun”, the guy said in his fucking bored voice, shoving Gerard off his lap so he had to kneel awkwardly between the front- and the backseat; grabbing his hair and pushing his face into his crotch, where his hardened dick was already hanging out. 

“Open up and suck!” he ordered, grabbing Gerard tighter by his hair; tugging at the strands. Gerard swallowed another wave of nausea back down and opened his mouth just to have the guy’s dick shoved into the back of his throat. He gagged and gasped for air, but the man didn’t release his steel grip on Gerard’s scalp, so it left him with no other choice than to hold still and let that bastard fuck his mouth. 

During the whole time Gerard was crying so much he could barely see, and hoping, pleading for it to be over soon. He had never felt that used before in his life. Not even with Shane; not even back then. He really felt like he was a toy someone got at a vending machine; played with too harshly until it was broken and spent, and then thrown away. When the guy finally came Gerard mustered up all his force and pulled away despite the iron grip on his head; successfully avoiding having to swallow it down.  
Still, having that man’s come dripping down his lips and chin was almost worse.

The guy looked furious for a second before he shrugged and tucked himself back in – “I’ll let you get through with this even without cutting your pay – just because you’ve been a pretty fuck! Now get the fuck out of here!” he barked. "Oh and, should you need any more money - I'll be here every Tuesday - but next time, you better let me fuck you, otherwise don't even bother coming!"

Gerard flinched at the harsh words and grabbed his shirt, hastily pulling it over his head; reaching for his hoodie and his bags and stumbling out of the car before the guy could change his mind.  
He was tightly clutching the hundred dollar bill in his hand, staring at the point the car disappeared, even long after it had driven off. 

_Congratulations Gerard, you are now the lowest of the low…._

 

Gerard stood there shivering for quite a while, until dawn began breaking and he knew he had to head home for Mikey’s sake. Funny, how selling last of his dignity out for a hundred bucks allowed him to see things at least a little clearer. He had enough money now to get himself and Mikey out of this shithole of a town – and in the next one he would either get himself a job, or die trying; but he would never reduce himself to this, ever again. No matter how easy money came that way.  
He felt a shudder run down his spine just thinking about it. He had to be strong for himself and Mikey, but this? Never. He'd rather kill himself than to end up as a hooker. There had to be another way. _New town, new luck..._

 

But there was one last thing he had to do before leaving everything behind; this time cutting off all his strings without exceptions – he had to make things right with Frank, he had to call him to get some kind of closure. Frank had to know that Gerard loved him and that he cared about him, but wanted for him to finish school and get on with his life and therefore could not be with him but would like to, oh how much he’d like to-

 

 _Yeah but, why wait? Why not do it now? Who knows, maybe you’ll get Frankie to come after you - if he's even still giving a shit about you_ , the small voice in Gerard’s head was mocking once again as soon as the phone booth in front of the motel he’d used before popped into his vision. It's nasty little insults seemed to have become more and more lately. And even though Gerard didn't want it, and knew that most of the things the voice threw at him weren't even true, he couldn't help but listen. Sometimes, you really are your own worst enemy. 

He felt his heart speed up as he dialed Frank’s number. Clutching the phone tightly in his hands he waited; the already slightly soaked paper bags perched at his feet, listening into the static silence and the occasional dialing tone.

 

When finally someone picked up, Gerard sighed audibly in relief. He had a chance to make it right. He could make things right; even if Frank wouldn’t want him anymore afterwards, he’d still had a chance to tell him how fucking much he meant to him. 

Exhausted and tired, Gerard closed his eyes for a brief second, before finally speaking up. _Don't let him say anything before you got out what you wanted to say. Just fucking do it!_

 

“Frankie? It's Gerard. I'm so sorry, I wanted to-“, he began, but was interrupted right away.

 

“Frankie? Not so much, eh!” Gerard felt his breath get caught in his lungs and his blood freeze in his veins, upon hearing that voice alone. That voice that was haunting him in his fucking dreams.

He checked the caller ID and felt his heart sink to his stomach - it was Frank's phone, but that wasn't Frank's voice.  
It was....

 

He could almost sense the man of his nightmares grinning into the receiver like a shark -  
“Hello Gee, long time no see, I’d say! Tell me, whatcha think about a little reunion? I'm sure good old Frankie will be so excited to see you again, don't you think?”

Shane's badly concealed laughter sounded croakily through the receiver and Gerard suddenly felt like he was going to be sick.

 

“No”, he breathed; _“Please, god no.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a shitty updater(the shittiest, as it seems); but I work full time during summer and trust me; after having 10 hour shifts and additionally having to drive roughly an hour to and from work; the only thing I've been physically able to do after work most of the time during the last weeks was flop into bed and sleep, sleep, sleeeeeeep. x.x
> 
> So please, be forgiving!
> 
> xo


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a longass fucking chapter.   
> But I think I'm getting somewhere.
> 
> Thanks so much to all of you who left such lovely words of encouragement after the last chapter's notes; you keep reminding me that there are still people worth living for on this fucked up planet.
> 
> But still, finally I think I'm getting somewhere. :)

The first few moments after the line went dead again Gerard thought he had forgotten how to function. He just stood there, dead struck, with the receiver still clutched in his hands; staring into nothing. 

The conversation had been surprisingly short, and he still remembered every single word Shane had said, even though his head was swimming and his mind felt pretty blank. 

_”Hey there, Gee! Can’t believe we haven’t talked for so long, how are you? How’s Mikey?”_

Gerard shuddered and forced himself back into the present, slowly letting go of the receiver. 

_”You sound a little surprised Gee, I reckon you expected someone else? ‘Course you did, you practically moaned his name in there, haven’t you? Aw, come on, talk to me! You even still there?”_

Gerard had to squeeze his eyes shut at the memory of that unwanted voice cutting through his ears. 

_”You aren’t that chatty today, eh? Well then again, you never were. At least not with me, it seems. You know, I had so much more fun with Frankie, once_ he _starts; you can barely shut him up.”_ A chuckle. _”Even though all he talks about are the countless ways he’s gonna kill me in case I ever touch you again, yadda yadda…”_

Replaying the conversation in his head all over again made Gerard wince. 

_“We had a long, nice little chat about you, Frankie and I. I guess some of the things I told him you wouldn’t have wanted him to hear but eh, sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth, you know? C’mon Gee, say something! Jeez, you’re boring today. Whatever, once you picked up your brain from where you left it call me, since you now have my number – you should probably change the caller ID though, don’t ya think? Oh and greetings from Frankie and sorry that I socked him one, but believe me when I tell you that he had it comin’! Talk to you soon, Gee---“_

 

Gerard’s gut still tightened at the thought of Frank encountering Shane. He winced, slowly bending down to pick up the grocery bags with shaking hands. He felt so fucking scared. How did Shane even manage to get to Frank, he didn’t know where he lived after all… Had he lurked and surprised him at school? Had he somehow found out where Frank lived and followed him?  
Suddenly Gerard’s heart sank to his stomach. What if he-

Shane had mentioned something about hitting Frank, but what if hitting him hadn’t been the only thing he’d done?  
What if he- what if he had raped him too?

Gerard pushed the creaky door of the phone booth open with great difficulty; feeling nauseous from the sheer thought of Frank being humiliated like that…humiliated like him. He stumbled a few steps into the motel’s direction before dropping to his knees and hurling. 

A young couple passing by shot him dirty looks but he didn’t care. He dry-heaved a few times without anything but bile coming out. After a moment he managed to gather himself together again and got back up, wiped his mouth, grabbed his bags and ran the rest of the way back to the motel even though his knees felt pretty weak. 

Once he hit the door Gerard begged not to run into Mauricio, but as it seemed he was out of luck. 

“Way!” Mauricio barked from behind the counter across the small, dirty room he called a ‘lobby’. Gerard froze and took a deep breath. 

“What?”

“Don’t _‘what’_ me, you little brat, you are three days behind with payment! When do I see my fuckin’ money? I swear I’m gonna throw you and that filthy little dog of a brother of yours back out on the streets if you don’t pay me!”  
He was scratching his fat, hairy chest and Gerard suddenly got the sudden urge to spit at him. He had a hard time swallowing his anger down, but pissing off a slimy rat like Mauricio wouldn’t do him any good. 

“You get your money tomorrow morning, right before we’re leaving”, Gerard said, setting his jaw and glaring at him defiantly. 

“Know what Way, you could earn your money in a totally different way, I got a friend I own a couple bucks to who would treat your little ass just right-“

“Bite me”, Gerard hissed and almost tore the paper bags in his hands gripping them so hard, pushing past Mauricio to the small, run down staircase. 

He could faintly hear the bastard yell after him “Oh how I wish I could, you insolent little piece of shit-“; as Gerard ran upstairs, taking two steps at once. 

 

\---

 

Mikey was awake when he stepped into the room. He was sitting on their bed, the blanket over his knees; watching Gerard like an owl without uttering a word. 

He looked a little scared, though. 

“Gee”, he whispered after a second; not daring to ask his brother where he’d been, too afraid to hear an answer he wouldn’t like. Gerard would do that from time to time; disappear in the dead of night, but he would always come back home a few hours later and he’d always have something for Mikey with him and even though he was scared and worried, Mikey never asked questions. 

Gerard closed the door after him, breathing heavily. 

“Gee, what happened?” Mikey asked, taken aback by his own, shaking voice.

“Mikes-“, Gerard choked out, dropping the paper bags onto the floor, not caring about the cans of meat falling out. He hadn’t even looked what the lady at the store had given him. 

“M-Mikes-“; Gerard hadn’t realized he’d started crying again. Mikey ripped himself from his stupor and crawled over to the edge of the bed, opening his arms. Gerard fell into them within a heartbeat, sobbing heavily. 

“Gee, what happened, you’re scaring me!” Mikey whimpered. 

“F-Frank”, Gerard hiccupped. “It’s Frank, he-he has him!” His sobs became frantic. 

“What? What about Frank? Who should have him?” Mikey asked, tightening his grip on his older brother. “Calm down Gee, you’re not making any sense? Who has Frank?”

“Sh- fuck, Shane! Shane has him!” Gerard cried, angrily wiping at his tears. Mikey didn’t understand. 

“Shane? What Shane, uncle Shane? Why on earth should uncle Shane have anything to do with Frank?”

“He-“, Gerard began and broke off; of course Mikey would fucking say that, he had no idea of what Shane did to Gerard.   
“Mikes don’t make me say it, just believe me, we have to leave, we have to go back, I have to save him…”, Gerard groaned impatiently between sobs, his voice distorted from the crying. 

He could feel Mikey tense in their embrace. Suddenly he pushed his older brother away at arm’s reach.   
“What the- Gerard, now you’re really scaring me! What the hell should uncle Shane have to do with Frank? I’m not going anywhere before you tell me! What the fuck happened?”

Gerard howled in frustration and hit his fist against the mattress. “I’ve got no time for this, fucking fuck! We have to leave to get to Frank right NOW Mikey, before he does-“

“Before he does what, Gerard, before he does what?” Mikey asked, gripping Gerard’s shoulders. Gerard shuddered and averted his gaze. He didn’t want to tell Mikey. He felt like he couldn’t. He felt like talking about the whole thing alone would be enough to make it happen again. But then his thoughts wandered to Frank, and how Frank, _his Frank,_ was the last person who deserved something like this happening to him and he thought about Mikey, and how Mikey had a right to know; and he straightened his back, gathering himself. 

When he finally spoke up again, Gerard’s voice was barely above a whisper.   
“Before he hurts him Mikey, before he hurts him like he hurt me.”  
Mikey looked at him from behind his glasses with big, confused eyes, and Gerard had to lower his gaze. He couldn’t bear looking his little brother in the eye.   
Mikey swallowed hard, beginning to realize. He felt cold all of a sudden.   
It couldn’t be…no, that couldn’t have been what Gerard meant. 

“He hurt you”, Mikey said, his throat dry as a desert, “-like Dad hurt you?”  
And despite all the ways that made him feel guilty, he hoped the answer was yes. Because that would at least mean that what he was dreading the most hadn’t happened. 

Slowly, barely visible and with his face still hidden in shame, Gerard shook his head. 

Mikey’s heart sank. Gerard knew that Mikey was desperately trying to say something, to get clarity, but he couldn’t give it to him. He was already burning with humiliation and he felt like he couldn’t take no more.   
Besides, they were losing precious time…

 

“Please don’t make me say it Mikes, I beg you-“, Gerard mumbled. Mikey shuddered again but shook it off; for the moment. He grabbed Gerard’s shoulders again and forced his older brother to look at him. 

“And now you’re scared that uncle Shane would do the same thing to Frank”, Mikey said, feeling sick to the stomach. Shane was their mother’s half-brother. They weren’t related by blood, but he was still their uncle. Shane had always been pretty nice to Mikey, giving him comic books; he even took him to a baseball game once. And Shane always had such hot girlfriends, why would he need to – why would he even want to – why do such a thing to Gerard? Mikey just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He wanted to cry, but he felt dead inside, just like another part of his faith in humanity had broken off and crumbled on the floor. 

 

Then suddenly Gerard loosened himself from Mikey’s embrace and got up, blindly roaming through the small room, grabbing all sorts of clothing and other stuff to throw it into his beat up duffel bag. 

“We have to go now Mikes, right now. I can’t wait until tomorrow!”

Mikey sighed and furrowed his brows.   
“Gee, I don’t think that’s such a good idea, it’s pitch black outside and it’s cold as fuck-“

“I don’t care, Mikey!” Gerard snapped, shoving the groceries into the duffel bag. “It’s my fault that Frank got caught up in this, it’s my responsibility to get him the fuck out again and end it! Mikey I can’t keep running forever! _We_ can’t keep running forever! You are too fucking young to throw your future away like that, you hear me? We are gonna go back to Jersey, and we’re gonna explain everything and beg your principal to take you back and finish the year, and then we’re gonna get you a scholarship and you’ll graduate and become a lawyer or a surgeon or a fuckin manager one day and you’re gonna have a goddamn high end loft in New York and a model girlfriend and more dough that you’ll ever be able to spend and then you’ll buy me a small apartment ‘cause that’s what brothers are for, right?” Gerard tried a reassuring smile, but Mikey kept his expression stern. 

“I’m not going back, Gerard. I’m not gonna hand you-“

“Don’t you fucking see it, Mikey?” Gerard interrupted him. “I can barely even look out for myself, let alone look out for you! And I can’t take knowing that I fuck up your future any longer!”  
He took a deep breath.   
“It’s ruining us, Mikey! We barely have any money left and I can’t find a job. I mean yeah, eventually I’m gonna find one, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life moving around restlessly with only me at your side; finally stranding in some small, cut-off town in the middle of fucking nowhere, old, tired and full of regret? No, you don’t. And frankly, I don’t fucking like that idea of a future either. We should have never run away from our problems like that in the first place.”

 

“It’s Frank, isn’t it?” Mikey muttered. “I didn’t know you liked him _that_ much.”  
Suddenly Gerard became furious. “Stop trying to make this about Frank, this isn’t about Frank! It’s about getting closure! I can’t keep running from my nightmares any longer if I want to stay sane, I just can’t! And yes, Frank is part of the picture, but if it weren’t for him I probably wouldn’t even have worked up the guts to go back!”

Gerard zipped up the duffel bag and breathed in heavily. When he finally looked back at Mikey, his eyes softened.   
“Mikes, I know you are no little kid anymore; heck often you seem like you’re thousand fucking years old. But this time, I gotta have you with me. I _need_ to know you’re with me.” He paused for a heartbeat, dreading the answer. 

“Are you with me?”

 

After an eternity, all Mikey sighed. All he could bring himself to do was nod, but - that simple gesture was everything Gerard needed. 

 

\---

 

I don’t remember how long I lay in that fucking alley, but it couldn’t have been too long. I was hurting everywhere, the knees of my pants were soaked and I felt overall miserable and frustrated.   
The cut above my right eye had stopped bleeding, but my split lip hadn’t – I figured I must have bitten it when Shane hit my skull against the wall.   
My fucking head was pounding, and I just longed for sleep. I didn’t even think all too much about Gerard back then, I just felt wrecked and wanted to go home and treat my wounds, as pathetic as it sounds.   
I didn’t really give Gerard the blame for bringing me in that kind of situation even though in some way, it was his fault. I just thought of what he had to endure at Shane’s hand and thanked fuck the same hadn’t happened to me. I would have fought back to the end; that much I knew, but still – merely thinking about it gave me chills. 

For a while, I contemplated where to go next. I had no phone, so no chance of calling up Bert or Alicia to take me in and patch me up, and I didn’t exactly want to go back to the record store. I had barely even known Ray for about two weeks and wasn’t particularly keen on him thinking I was bad news or something. I mean that little pot dealing fucker was by no means a saint himself, but anyway, I liked the job and wanted to keep it.   
So I figured I had nowhere to go but home. 

 

Dragging my beat up ass home was about the worst thing ever. Once I finally almost collapsed at the doorstep, I felt like no ounce of strength was left in my battered body. I begged the gods that my mom wouldn’t be home, but no such luck. She must have heard me dragging my feet over the front porch and had the door worked open before I could even reach for my keys.   
She was about to open her mouth to greet me when she saw my face. I hadn’t seen myself so far, but from her expression I must have looked pretty wild; because the minute she saw me, she clasped her hands over her mouth and whispered “Oh god.”  
I tried to give her a smile, but with my swollen lip it didn’t work so much and she started crying. 

“Oh Frank, Frankie, oh god, oh god-“ She kept repeating it over and over again, tears streaming down her face with her arms awkwardly opened like she wanted to hug me but was scared she’d hurt me even more – it freaked me out a little, I have to admit. I stepped forward and let myself sink into her arms, mumbling “Mom, mom; it’s okay, don’t cry – please, it’s not as bad as it looks-“

Yeah, and that only had her crying even more. She pulled me inside and gingerly sat me down at the kitchen island. I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm my raging headache for a moment while she went to roam through the bathroom cupboards in a frantic search for disinfectant and some patches. When she finally returned, I had almost dozed off with my head on the table. She got calmer treating my wounds; it gave her something to concentrate on, to occupy herself with.   
“You’re lucky this doesn’t need stitches, Frankie”, she mumbled, cautiously touching the cut above my right eye. “-but you’ve already got one hell of a black eye.”  
I managed a raspy chuckle. 

Once I was patched up, I felt a little better. She gave me painkillers for my headache and threatened to drag me to the ER the second I showed any weird reactions.   
“Your pupils are contracting normally and you’re not delirious, but I’d feel much better if you’d let me take you to the hospital, Frankie. I have the night off, I could drive-“

“No thanks mom, I’m fine. I just need to sleep, that’s all. Thank you so much!” I stood up and gave her a kiss. The moment I made a step towards the door she grabbed my arm.   
I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.   
Letting out a deep sigh I flopped back onto the kitchen chair again.

“Mom, can we talk about this tomorrow?” I tried, hoping she’d at least let me get some sleep before she’d interrogate me. No such luck. 

“I don’t even think of it! Frank Anthony Iero, you just about scared me to death and now I deserve answers! What happened to you? Did someone mug you? Did you get into a fight on purpose? I am your mother and I love you – it’s been enough that you would barely talk to me for the past couple of weeks; never telling me where you were going or who you were going with, and now you are coming home looking like you’ve been on the receiving end of a serious beating-“

“You should’ve seen the other guy”, I tried lamely, but she cut me off with a stern look. 

“Frank, this is no joke. I thought ‘Okay Linda, your son is no child anymore, give him some freedom, he’ll come around eventually’; but this wasn’t the case. I prayed for us Frank, I really did. And what for? I’ve got enough!”

 

I let out another deep sigh; feeling quite torn in between not telling her but also sparing her a story worthy of a really fucked up movie or telling her everything and finally getting it all off my chest.   
I sat there for a long time, staring at the tiled walls contemplating, and not once did she push me.   
Finally, I dropped my shoulders in defeat. 

“Okay mom, what you want to know requires a bit of a back story to understand it. An ugly back story mom, it’s really the ugliest. And I’m sorry, I’ve fucked up in many parts along the way, I know. But if you really want to know the whole thing, I’m gonna tell you.”

 

And then I told her everything. 

 

\---

 

I have to say I felt a weird kind of pride for my mother. Not only did she let me get through the whole damn story without interrupting me even once, but she also managed to keep herself together although she did wince in pain at a few parts. Needless to say, I left out a few things – I didn’t tell her that I was in the store when Gerard was raped the first time and went without telling anyone – I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to tell the entire story, I honestly did, but I couldn’t do it. It felt as if my lips were sealed as soon as I touched a soft spot. And besides, that very thing alone was one of the monsters that kept me awake at night and terrorized my sleep. I also left out the part where I fell in love with Gerard – I mean this was still something to chew on for myself. My mother unfortunately is no oblivious person, and the way she watched me while I spoke about Gerard was more than curious, but she didn’t ask about it and so I thankfully didn’t have to tell. I don’t think I could have taken on a come-out of all things to add up to everything else that happened that night. 

Once I finished I could barely look her in the eye, so we just sat there, in the middle of the night, for a long, long time.   
Then, completely out of the blue, she got up and started making coffee. I almost sighed at the sheer smell of it, but I still felt uneasy – I had told her almost everything and she still hadn’t said a thing – it made me anxious.

“Mom-“, I began, but she cut me off. 

“I want to talk to that Schechter guy”, she said, placing a steaming cup of coffee in front of me and grabbing the other one herself. I had given it to her as a cheeky birthday present in fifth grade, and it said in a little washed-out, but still readable letters ‘Best Fuckin Mom’. I don’t know why, but it hurt, reading those words I had painted on so long ago. 

I saw no point in denying her to meet Brian, so I just handed her the number. I was tired and exhausted and I wanted nothing more than for this to be over. 

My mom grabbed the phone and left the room for the conversation, so all I could hear before I lost her voice was “Good evening, Mr. Schechter, Linda Iero speaking, I’m Frank’s mother. I am very sorry to be calling you that late at night, but it’s kind of an emergency…”

I figured she must have gone upstairs and I didn’t see much point in waiting in the kitchen anymore, so I grabbed my coffee and crept into the living room. Once I sunk down on out plushy couch however, I realized I could barely even keep my eyes open, so all I managed was setting down the cup on the coffee table and draping the old, fuzzy blanket up to my shoulders before I fell asleep.

I still remember the last thing in my head though, because it was so ridiculously petty: the comic book I had given Gerard for Christmas. I really wondered what had happened to it, if he still had it, and if maybe, it made him think about me…

 

\---

I woke up later that night when the doorbell rang, feeling disoriented and confused. I didn’t bother getting up though, because my head still felt pretty run-over and just opening my eyes caused me a feeling that resembled needles poking into my eyeballs. Carefully not moving more than necessary, I rolled over, groaning faintly.   
I was asleep again almost a minute after.

 

The second time I woke that night, daylight had begun to break outside. My headaches had calmed down enough to leave me with a dull thump in the back of my skull, but the taste in my mouth was more than rotten, so I slowly got up from the couch and made my way over to the bathroom. I was more than a little surprised to hear faint voices sound over from the kitchen as I tiptoed by – my first instinct was it being Brian, but it did strike me as a little odd that he had stayed that long to talk to my mom about me. 

 

The moment I saw myself in the bathroom mirror I understood why my mother had begun crying at my sight – I really looked awful. The skin beneath my right eyebrow was swollen and red under the patch, the black eye was literally black and my split lip didn’t look all too sexy. Add that to stringy hair and bloodshot eyes and I could’ve easily played the main role in a cheap horror production. I sighed heavily – I seemed to be sighing more than a bitter, old granny lately – and went on brushing my teeth, suddenly glad as fuck Shane hadn’t knocked some of them out. You are never as appreciative of your teeth as in the moment you realize how close you were to losing them, trust me. 

I was still feeling tired and beat up (hey, who could blame me?), but I also knew I had to face mom and Brian eventually, so I slowly made my way over to the kitchen.

Upon entering I was greeted with Brian’s uncannily awake looking face. He was wearing a suit, probably the one he wore to work, with the jacket draped over the back of his chair and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. He really had full sleeve tattoos and didn’t seem to bother with covering them up in front of my mom. I liked that about him. 

He saw me first and greeted me, offering me a lopsided smile I returned. “Morning, Frank!”   
Mom whirled around and sprung up as soon as she noticed I had entered the room; throwing her arms around me and ruffling my hair before flinching back as if she’d hurt me. 

“Frankie! I’m sorry I let you sleep on the couch, but Mr. Schechter-“ – “I told you to call me Brian, Linda!” – “-Brian and I talked a lot about your situation and lost track of the time… do you want some coffee?”

“Um yes, thanks” I flopped down at the kitchen island next to Brian, who promptly looked me up and down, whistling through his teeth.  
“Holy fuck dude, you _do_ look like crap”

“Brian!” my mom chimed in, sounding indignant. “No swear words at this table!” Brian winked at me and all of a sudden I was flashed with this fucked up illusion of a perfect little family except I got beat up and my boyfriend was missing and Brian wasn’t even my father, but anyway. It was so strange it made my brain hurt. 

“No seriously Frank, I think – and I’m sure you agree; that it’s time to do something about this.”  
I stared at the wooden pattern of the table and grabbed my coffee, staying silent.   
“Your mom and I talked all of it through, connecting bits here and there you left out telling each of us”, Brian went on and I felt myself drift off again. I found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying; not only because of my headache, but also because my mind kept wandering to Gerard. To his soft skin and his tiny teeth and his stupid, lopsided mouth.   
I wanted to feel frustrated and sad, but after months of constant frustration and sadness, I just felt numb. 

“Okay Frank, I’m afraid you won’t exactly love me for this, but I have this old high school buddy of mine who is a detective and a few hours ago, while your mom and I were talking, I gave him a ring – he’s willing to listen to your story and your mother is fine with him coming over and talking to you. He won’t come if you don’t want him to, though. It’s up to you, buddy.”

I merely nodded, because after all, what should I have said to that? They were right, they were so right and I was so tired of hiding and postponing the inevitable. 

 

\---

 

Brian’s detective friend, a guy called James Dewees, arrived about half an hour later, at six in the morning. Brian himself had waited until he arrived and then excused himself, explaining he had to check on his wife and kids briefly before heading to work but promised he’d call in the afternoon. His friend the cop had dirty blonde hair that stuck out from beneath his uniform cap and began sticking even more in all directions as soon as he removed it. 

Mom invited him to sit down with us and offered him coffee, which he, and god knows why, refused. 

“Hi Frank, I’m detective James Dewees, New Jersey State Police, but I’m sure Brian already told you a little bit about me” He was offering a smile and being nice and all, but suddenly I didn’t really feel too cooperative anymore. In fact, I felt rather thronged. 

“No, he didn’t.” I said bluntly, uncomfortably hugging myself, watching that Dewees guy closely. 

When he scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously, I could have groaned with frustration. That guy seemed way too young and inexperienced to even be a detective. I had hoped on someone tall and bulky, someone who could scare the shit out of Shane, but with that piece of asparagus sitting right in front of me, Gerard’s and my chances were slim to none. 

I sighed and glanced outside the window, where the sky had taken on a pretty lilac color scheme. 

 

“So, do you want to tell me about your friend Gerard?”

I was sick and tired of them all referring to him as my ‘friend’ and not even considering there could be more behind it. For a second I wanted to scream into their pretentious faces that Gerard was my goddamn boyfriend and that we _fucked,_ thank you very much. But as soon as that moment was gone, so was my desire to say anything. So I merely shrugged. 

“Come on Frank, I want to help you. But you gotta give me something to work with, or I won’t be able to.” He didn’t sound irritated or pissed, he sounded calm and sympathetic. Obviously, he’d had to deal with defiant brats like me before. 

“I’m just not all too crazy about telling the whole fucking story again, that’s all”, I drawled and could almost hear my mom suppressing a hiss of irritation behind me. 

Dewees however stayed calm. “I understand, Frank, believe me, I do. Talking about things like this is never easy, but unfortunately it’s necessary if you want to get the people who abused your friend what they deserve.”

“What they deserve is to die”, I muttered and this time my mom couldn’t hold herself back anymore. “Frank! No deathwishes in this house!”

I ignored her, keeping my gaze down on the pattern of the table a little bit longer. Then I closed my eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath to collect myself – before telling the whole story for the second time in a few hours. 

 

\---

 

“So you’re saying that once he could take no more, thinking his dad was going to send him to rehab, Gerard grabbed his little brother and ran away?”

“Yup.”

“Without telling you.”

I grit my teeth together. “Yes.”

“Using a car?”

“Yeah. I think it was his grandma Elena’s car.”

“And she didn’t mind?”

I angrily set my jaw and resisted the urge of pressing my fingers against my aching temples. All of a sudden I was growing very annoyed. My head had started hurting again and I was fed up to the bone with all the questions that were just going in circles.   
“No she didn’t mind, because she’s fucking dead!” I snapped.

“ _Frank!_ ” my mother blurted out. 

“What?” I spat. “I’m tired and I don’t want to ask any fucking questions anymore! This is taking me nowhere; it was a mistake and it’s not gonna bring Gerard back, so fuck it!”

“Frank, that’s enough”, my mom thundered, standing up from her chair. Dewees got up too, obviously sensing the oncoming storm.

“Linda please, it’s okay. This has been a tough night for Frank. Would it be okay with you if I speak to him alone for a bit? I’m sure you must be tired staying up all night, so you could get a little rest in the meantime.”   
Much to my surprise my mother actually left without making any fuss – that bastard totally sugar-talked her, I have to give him credit for that. 

Once she was gone Dewees sighed a little. 

“Phew. Your mom is a really nice lady, but she’s also a little scary.”  
I had to chuckle at that despite myself, because yeah, my mom tended to have that kind of effect on people.

“Okay, so back to it again. You said Gerard left with his grandmother’s car?”

“Yeah. It’s a beat up Ford, but I’ve never seen it. She left it for him when she died, but his dad locked it away in the garage, telling Gerard since he was no man he didn’t deserve to drive. His grandma was the one who paid for his driver’s Ed.”

“Wow, what a douche…” Dewees huffed. He always said things like that once we were alone; things my mom would’ve considered unprofessional but I liked it. It made him seem much more human and less like an institutional machine. It made me feel a lot more comfortable in his presence. 

“No wonder Gerard ran away… With a father like that, I wonder who’d have stayed.” Dewees took a sip of his water before turning back at me.   
“How could Gerard and Mikey’s absence go unnoticed at their schools? Why were they even going to different schools in the first place?”

 

“Mikey goes to private school. He’s always been their favorite son, I guess, so…”, I paused for a moment. “-as far as I found out, their father took them off school claiming they’d be transferring to live with their aunt in Vermont and finish off their semesters there or some bullshit like that.”

Dewees nodded and went on taking notes in his tiny cop notebook. 

“Okay. See Frank, I can’t really file Gerard as a missing person, because he’s eighteen and therefore free to go when he wants to. With Mikey, it’s a completely different case, but we can’t do that much if their parents aren’t cooperative. I mean I can file a report, but with all the paper work necessary it will take months and I doubt it would take us anywhere. What I’m counting on right now is what you told me about Shane having your phone and going to contact Gerard. That’s good; we can use that to our advantage.”

“How on earth is that a good thing?” I spat, glaring at him. “Didn’t you listen when I told you what that piece of shit did to him?”

Dewees put up his hands in defense. “Calm down, Frank, what I meant is that this is most likely going to mean he’ll be coming back.”

That had me looking up. “What-?” I gasped, not believing what I just heard. “Why would you think that-“   
My mouth went dry and Dewees looked at me kinda funny. 

“Do you have a picture of him with you?” he suddenly asked, catching me off guard. 

“I-uh”, I went fire engine red and started fumbling with my wallet, pulling out the only photograph I had from Gerard. Actually, if it wasn’t for him insisting on stopping by that stupid photo booth, I wouldn’t even have that one photograph right now. It was before the concert, before it all went downhill. We were just strolling through the city without proper destination when he suddenly spotted that small, bedraggled photo booth near a metro station. It was too fucking tiny and we didn’t even fit in there properly, so it ended up with me sitting on Gerard’s lap and him giggling constantly, claiming my hair was tickling his nose. Looking at that photo then I was wondering if I had actually ever seen him happier than in that very moment.   
Dewees must have watched me staring at the photograph, because he suddenly cleared his throat and said with a soft, but firm voice “Yeah, he’s gonna come back, trust me.”

I looked back up at him and all of a sudden, I understood what he meant. And that he was probably right. It just hadn’t occurred to me so far. 

I just didn’t know if it was the right thing for Gerard to come back, or if he’d be better off moving on and leaving everything here behind for once and for all, including me. 

 

\---

 

“Here’s what we do”, Dewees said. “When Gerard comes back, and he will, the first thing he’s gonna do is check on you, to see if you are okay.”

“I really doubt this is gonna happen, but okay-“

“Oh I’m convinced this is gonna happen. You wanna know why? Because it’s exactly what Shane is counting on, too. Didn’t it occur to you that he might have been planning this when he bragged about how you’re each other’s weaknesses and how you both are gonna see him again soon?”

I frowned; feeling a little sheepish all of a sudden. I mean yeah, all this _had_ occurred to me, but I just hadn’t thought that Gerard would actually risk getting drawn into everything again by coming back. I mean _he_ was the one who left in the first place, ditching school and ditching graduation, leaving everything behind. He wouldn’t come back so easily. 

I don’t know why I had so little faith in whatever Gerard was feeling for me. Call it low self esteem, call it lack of trust, call it whatever you want. Maybe I was scared that he’d have moved on that easily. Maybe I was clinging to the idea of him thinking I could handle Shane. I just didn’t want to start expecting him to come back, only to have my stupid heart broken the second time when he didn’t. 

 

But now that everyone was talking about how obvious it was that Gerard would come back, I started believing it myself. And there was it again, that stupid warm, fuzzy feeling deep down in my guts that it thought I’d forgotten completely – it came back with full force. 

I tried my best to hide it but Dewees must have caught a glimpse, with the way he was smiling at me whimsically.   
I knew I was blushing so I turned my head away. 

“Listen Frank, as soon as Gerard calls, shows up on your doorstep or contacts you in any other way, _you_ contact _me_. Hey!” he snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Listen to me, this is damn important!”   
This was the only time I heard him use his ‘serious cop’ voice – it wasn’t very intimidating.  
I nodded eagerly, even though my mind had wandered off already. The thought of seeing Gerard again made my head swim. 

Dewees sighed, but it wasn’t an annoyed kind of sigh. It was a nice kind of sigh. He reached into his pocket and handed me a small card with his cell number on it.   
“I want you to call me, Frank, even if he doesn’t show up”, he said and then added, “-but trust me, he will.”

I took the card and stuck it into my back pocket. Dewees glanced at the kitchen clock and reached for his cap and jacket.   
“Okay, guess it’s been enough for today, I’m gonna be on my way.”

When he stood up I did too, regretting the action an instant later when my vision got fuzzy and I swayed a little for a second, having to grip the counter for support. 

“Easy there buddy”, Dewees said. “-and remember – call me.”

I nodded again and thanked him. Once he was gone and I had the door locked, I relished in the silence of the house for a few heartbeats. I was really fucking dead, I can tell you. Deciding against my bed, I flopped down on the couch again, draping the blanket up to my head, nuzzling my face into the depths of mom’s cushions. 

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about Gerard.   
I was barely lying there for a few minutes, and he was already invading my mind. His voice, his crooked smile, his hands, his stupid bleached hair, _his fucking everything._   
I realized I didn’t only want to see him.  
I _wanted_ him.  
I wanted him so much it made me hurt physically, and I despised it. I had just begun thinking I had overcome that shit,that maybe I could move on; and all it needed was for that bastard to show up in my life again and I was ruined. I hated it. I hated Gerard and I hated that I loved him so much. 

Most of all however, I hated the fact that I could once again sit at some and await his return like a fucking war widow with my hands bound, unable to do anything. 

 

_Just come back you stupid fuck._

_I need you._


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends so soppy I feel the need to apologize :')
> 
> Also I have developed strong feelings for Mikey. For brothers in general. Brothers with really close bonds are my Achilles' heel.

Mikey sat on the edge of the bed silently, motionlessly with his head bowed as Gerard rushed past him to pick up their few belongings. He had dressed quietly while Gerard had began roaming the bathroom, grabbing everything he deemed worthy of taking with them and throwing it into his duffel. 

The thing was; Mikey didn’t dare uttering even a single word, no matter how often he had opened his mouth to voice his anxiety. It’s been roughly half an hour since he had returned, broken down in front of Mikey and then announced he wanted to leave to find Frank. Mikey didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to even act in his brother’s presence; in fact Gerard’s fraught behavior scared him more than just a little.   
When he had tried to help his brother packing earlier and got in his way, Gerard had snapped at him and pushed him aside, so Mikey had returned to quietly sitting down on the bed without getting in Gerard’s face. 

He felt weird. Gerard was acting so cold all of a sudden. Not long ago he had been sobbing brokenly into his little brother’s arms, but now he seemed cold and distant. Even though Mikey was convinced it was just some kind of defense mechanism of Gerard’s, he couldn’t help but feel hurt. He was Gerard’s brother; he should know that Mikey would never judge him in any way.   
He wanted to say something, wanted to make the dreadful tension to go away, but at the same time he was afraid Gerard would shove him again or maybe even slap him if he said something wrong.

Frankly, Mikey wouldn’t even blame him. His brother had been raped.   
Raped. By their own uncle.   
He hadn’t said it straight, but Mikey could read it in his eyes. The fear, the abasement, it was all written there.  
Mikey knew every inch of Gerard’s psyche, sometimes he even felt like he knew his brother better than himself. He knew how proud Gerard was, how far a humiliation like that must have crushed him. And how grimly he was trying to keep up his walls; even though he now was closer to breaking than ever. 

Last year, a girl in Mikey’s grade got raped on school premises, and it was a huge thing. She had tried to commit suicide shortly after, when after a teacher had found out about it, it wasn’t long and the whole school had known. She had transferred then, but the whole ordeal remained a big topic for quite a while. Mikey’s literature teacher, Mrs Pauley, had talked a lot about it in her class. About rape and that its suffering wasn’t limited to girls only. About the fact that the abusers are often close family members.   
Back then Mikey had felt agitated about the topic; disgusted, shocked; but intrigued at the same time, so one time after class he asked her. He asked her how it could happen that a boy gets raped if boys are supposed to be the stronger ones. How a victim would possibly deal with it – now a lot of what Mrs Pauley had told him back then just clicked right into place. 

Mikey felt like crying, but he bit the tears back in case Gerard looked his way. The last thing he wanted is to be even more of a burden to his brother – he wanted to go over and hug him, smooth his rebellious hair down and tell him that he, Mikey, would personally see to it that no one wrong ever got to touch him again, but he was scared Gerard would feel cornered and yell at him.   
So Mikey once again remained still on the bed, silently weeping, cursing god for making Gerard the punching ball.

_At least you could have made dad hit me, not him._ Mikey thought. _Just why do you let him suffer so much? He doesn’t deserve any of this._

A loud sob then escaped the back of Mikey’s throat, and he quickly rushed to claps his hands over his mouth to suffocate the sound, but too late. Gerard had heard it; Mikey knew from the way he stiffened in his crouched position on the floor at the other end of the room. He didn’t turn around, but when he stood up, his knees gave a small, cracking sound. 

“Don’t cry Mikes”, he muttered softly. “There’s nothing to cry about.”

Mikey could barely keep himself together then, but Gerard’s defeated words crushed him apart. He desperately tried to muffle his sobs with his hands and his pillow, but Gerard could hear it all well and it was wrecking his heart.

“Mikey please-“, he choked out and finally turned around. He was feeling so unbelievably tired again. He felt that consuming urge to pass out and never regain consciousness. Just to sleep, as long as it would take for it all to go away.   
The sounds of his baby brother crying were tearing at his insides. He had tried so desperately to keep it all away from him; and now it turned out that his attempts had been futile.   
Quietly, Gerard walked over to the bed, sitting down beside his brother, who had curled up into a ball despite being full dressed already, silently weeping into his pillow. 

Mikey felt the mattress dip when Gerard lowered himself onto it, the warmth of his body radiating onto Mikey the second he got close. Gerard was always so warm. 

_It should be us against the world, Gee. I should have been able to protect you._

His breath got stuck in his throat when he sensed Gerard’s hand on his head, smoothing back his sandy hair. 

“Shh Mikes, it’s okay”, Gerard said in a soothing voice as Mikey shuddered from the force of his sobs. Mikey knew he shouldn’t be the one receiving comfort from his brother; he knew it should be the other way round, but he couldn’t help relishing in Gerard’s closeness.   
He felt so helpless, so weak. 

Gerard however slowly gained composure from comforting Mikey, even though his baby brother’s frantic sobs didn’t seem to come to an end. 

“I’m sorry I snapped at you before”, Gerard muttered quietly. “I’m just worried about Frank, I’m- I’m fucking scared Mikes-“ He regretted his words a heartbeat later when Mikey’s sobs got louder, wrecking his small body even further. 

“He hurt you”, Mikey cried; “he was hurting you all the time and I did nothing!”

Gerard knew he was talking about their father.

“You couldn’t have done anything, you know dad. He might have never hit you back then. But he sure as hell would’ve started to if you had tried to stop him from hitting me”, Gerard said; determined.   
Mikey only buried his face into the pillows, his body still trembling and shaking violently. Gerard kicked off his boots and swung his legs up onto the bed so he could sit properly next to his brother’s curled up form.   
Mikey could feel Gerard’s weight shifting and the next thing he knew was Gerard lying behind him, one hand still tangled in his hair, smoothing it, the other hand curled against his back, tapping it softly with his fingertips. Mikey felt so exhausted from weeping and sobbing so much, and the moment he felt Gerard nuzzle his face into the space between his shoulder blades, he just wanted to fall asleep with him like that.   
Like they had done so many times after their dad had kicked Gerard in the ribs or beat him across the back with his belt. Only then it had been Gerard who wept silently every time, his head buried in the crook of Mikey’s neck, while his baby brother was stroking his hair, keeping it together for the sake of both of them. Mikey reached out blindly behind him, searching for Gerard’s hand and squeezing it tightly once he got hold of it. He finally managed to calm down a little, his crying slowly becoming less hysterical.  
He closed his eyes in exhaustion, almost giving into his tiredness, when he suddenly heard it.

It was quiet at first, a choked up, raspy sound, but it became clearer and clearer as Gerard grew more confident with the lyrics.   
Gerard was singing for him.

He was singing for Mikey. To calm him down. To make him feel safe.   
His voice was quivering at the beginning, and it still had that rough edge to it, like sandpaper, but to Mikey it was like home. Gerard’s voice alone provided a feeling of _home_ Mikey had never in his life experienced anywhere else. 

He could barely remember the last time Gerard sang. He wanted to turn around and take in his face, but at the same time was scared he’d feel caught and stop. So Mikey stayed perfectly still, not even squeezing his brother’s hand tighter, not moving a cell of his out of fear he’d interrupt Gerard and cause him to stop singing.

Their grandmother always said Gerard could spit with the tongue of a demon if he was in the mood, but had the voice of an angel when he wanted to, and with the right song, Mikey agreed all the way. 

He could have listened to Gerard singing forever, even though it was barely above a softly spoken whisper, words he’d never even heard before, that felt meaningless, replaceable, when all that mattered was Gerard’s voice.   
But no matter how hard he tried to keep his eyes open; Mikey eventually surrendered to sleep before the song had ended, still clutching his brother’s hand tightly.

 

\---

 

Gerard had silently agreed with himself to let Mikey sleep at least for a few hours; to let him get some rest before the drive. He was planning on going as far as he could without any stops and it would be a tough time for both of them, so he figured a little sleep was the last thing he could deny Mikey, especially when it was his fault that he’d been up awake and worried for most of the night.

 

Gerard himself couldn’t close his eyes. He felt like he was sitting on needles.   
He’d taken off Mikey’s boots and jacket before lying him back down to sleep, so he wouldn’t be cold on the run tomorrow. After the exhaustion had gotten the better off Mikey and pulled him into its clutches, Gerard wandered around the room aimlessly, readying everything for their nearing departure.   
So they had 150 bucks left. The car’s gas tank was still half full, and they’d probably need about 70 bucks for the unpaid nights in the motel, so there’d be exactly 80 left for food, gas and other things.   
Gerard sighed and buried his face in his hands. After a while he gathered himself up and slipped into his boots.

He figured it was probably best to go down and pay Mauricio now, so he won’t get to make a big scene in front of Mikey tomorrow. Gerard wasn’t all too keen on him letting anything like that ‘offer’ from before slip in front of his kid brother who had just found out his big brother had been raped; more than once. 

Gerard sighed again, pulling his hoodie over his head. Once he and Mike managed to settle down for real he would have to see to it that Mikey got to talk to a therapist. 

_Ha, ha, don’t you think that maybe you’re more the one in need of a shrink?_

No. No he didn’t want to talk about it. Ever again. Gerard was determined to bury those things deep inside him where no one could ever dig them up; he would hide them so far away not even he himself would be able to find them again.

_Yeah, because that’s worked so brilliantly so far. You are pretty pathetic, Gerard. We are pretty pathetic, since I am you. And you won’t listen to me, so…_

Fuck. Gerard squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out his racing thoughts. Now was _not_ the time to lose it…  
He breathed in deep and ran a hand through his hair, throwing a quick glance at himself in the mirror. He actually didn’t even look half bad – in a fucked up, junkie kind of way. 

_You look like a hooker,_ the voice in his head taunted. _But you’re starting to get used to it, aren’t you?_

As it seemed, his subconscious was one sardonic, cynical bastard.

_You can’t blame everything on the voices in your head Gerard, that’s what crazy people do. And you’re not the crazy one here now, are you?_

Gerard gritted his teeth together and grabbed the money, silently slipping out of the room, carefully closing it behind him.

_It’s true, I am looking like a fucking hooker,_ Gerard thought bitterly, descending the stairs. _Well maybe that’s your profession now,_ his subconscious sneered; _you showed a lot of talent in that industry so far._

Gerard swallowed and tried to shake it off, but his mind instantly slipped back a few hours and there was it again, clear as day, like it was happening right now.   
The hand in his hair, tugging and twisting the strands, the breathy grunts filling the air, the salty taste tainting his tongue.   
For a second Gerard thought he was going to be sick, but then the feeling passed as he reached the hallway leading to the lobby. 

_You can’t let yourself let go like that, not now. Not now that you’re so close to getting back to Frank again._  
He closed his eyes for a brief moment. These voices were starting to give him a headache. 

_Oh yeah, because controlling yourself has worked so well for you, dumbass! You can’t do that every time you fall in love, get all codependent and clingy, like the other person is the air you need to breathe. It’s not fucking healthy, it’s-_

“Fucking _stop_.” Gerard muttered a tad too loud, since the couple slumped on the small couch in the corner of the lobby was suddenly looking up at him irritated. The woman, or rather the girl straddling the guy’s lap winced upon seeing Gerard and pulled down her short skirt quickly. You’d have to be no fucking smartass to grasp the fact that she was probably a hooker.   
Gerard felt sorry for her, right before he felt sorry for himself.

 

“The fuck you’re lookin’ at, faggot?” her ‘client’ barked. Gerard flinched and quickly averted his gaze, uneasily shifting his weight from one foot to the other in front of the reception.  
Great, now that he needed him, fucking Mauricio was nowhere to be seen. 

“Come on baby, ignore the fuckin’ cunt”, the guy half-groaned to his girl that was still staring at Gerard with her dark, haunting eyes, pulling her down lower on his lap. She wasn’t making any sound while he manhandled her around, and Gerard found himself silently praying for Mauricio to show up, but he didn’t.  
He tried staring at the wall for a while, glancing at the clock hanging there.   
It was ten past four am.

 

Gerard couldn’t help growing tenser by each passing second; he could feel his own anxiety showing in the way his palms got sweaty around the cash. Nervously, he first threw a glance over his shoulder and then stretched and bent over the counter in order to catch a glimpse into the small room attached behind it, but he saw no sign of Mauricio. For a second he contemplated writing him a note and stuffing the money into a folder lying on the reception desk, grabbing Mikey and just scoot, but then he was reminded of the sleazebag and his whore in the back of the room and threw the idea overboard, sighing heavily. 

Sleazebag was just busy shoving his tongue down her throat, fisting his dirty fingers into her charcoal hair when he caught Gerard’s uneasy glance.  
He broke off the kiss with an obnoxious noise and curled his lips into a small, taunting smile. 

“So you like to watch, eh? No faggot then after all, eh?” he mocked, licking his lips.   
Gerard felt his jaw tighten but swallowed it down, slowly turning his back on the guy. He couldn’t afford getting into trouble, not fucking now. He had to keep his focus on Frank. 

“You wanna get a shot?” sleazebag suddenly asked, pushing her off his lap. “Her name is Lindsey”, he drawled, chuckling. “But I bet that ain’t even her real name.” Gerard heard him getting up and felt his shoulders tense. Fuck Mauricio! Fuck that piece of shit for not showing up, fuck him for allowing fucking hookers in his hellhole of a motel, fuck Gerard for ever deciding to stay there in the first place.  
Fuck everything!  
Gerard closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable hand on his shoulder, spinning him around. He let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding, and slowly re-opened them. Up close, sleazebag looked even more disgusting, with his greasy hair and bloodshot eyes. He was a user.  
He had the girl in the short leather skirt dragged behind him, her wrist in an iron grip. Her eyes darted nervously from Gerard to her john and back to Gerard. Finally she set her jaw defiantly, pursing her crimson lips.   
She was pretty, Gerard decided, with her dark hair and pouty mouth, looking like she was barely even of legal age. He got so lost staring at her he hadn’t even realized sleazebags eyes go wide at him; his hand darting out to make a grab for his jaw. 

“What the fuck man, look at you!” he whistled through his teeth. “Are you even a fucking man?” He turned back at her. “Look at him! He’s almost prettier than you, for fuck’s sake!” His drunken laugh filled the dull room while Gerard and the girl just stood there, staring at each other in some kind of mutual look of bitter resentment burned into their eyes.  
Gerard felt the corner of his mouth twitching.

“Yeah he’s hot”, the girl suddenly breathed and then pulled the guy closer. For a second she looked like she might be sick but within the blink of an eye she was back to professional, whispering “But he ain’t paying me, so…”, running a hand down his leather clad back.   
Gerard ripped his face free from the man’s grip just in time for Mauricio to show up. 

“Tony, what did I tell you about bringing whores into my fuckin’ motel?” he scolded, half-jokingly, making Gerard want to purge. 

“You said nothing about it fat-ass, because I’m your fuckin’ cousin and you love me!”

Mauricio gave a sigh. “I know, but at least move that shit to a room, got it? ‘She even legal?”   
He eyed the girl suspiciously, but she merely shrugged, pulling the same crimson lipstick she was wearing out of her purse and re-lining her lips. Gerard had to admit that he was somehow fascinated by her lackadaisical attitude.   
Before she followed sleazebag up the stairs she threw one last, piercing glance at Gerard; one so intense it wrapped around his gut and held tight, like some kind of warning.   
He was feeling slightly dizzy by the time Mauricio finally acknowledged him standing there.

 

\---

 

Most of what happened after paying off Mauricio and reaching Jersey was like a blur to Gerard. All he remembered actively doing while Mikey had gone back to his stoic reserved self again, was throwing their stuff into the trunk of Elena’s car and driving, lots of fucking driving.   
In fact, for the following two and a half days, Gerard barely remembered doing anything other than drive, eat, nap and occasionally stop for a piss. Nap only because he barely managed to get any sleep at all with the presence of Frank in his mind startling him whenever he lied down to get any rest. 

Gerard felt bad. He felt guilty. He had noticed that Mikey had pretty much gone mute, but he was so far gone thinking about Frank he didn’t pay much attention to it. After all, Mikey often had his silent phases.   
And Gerard had so much else to worry about. Whether Frank would let him talk to him. Whether he’d even let him look him in the eye.  
Whether Gerard would be able to get to him in time. Whether Shane had already gotten to him before him. 

Whether Gerard would ever get the chance to make things _right_ between them.

When they finally reached the outskirts of the city, Mikey sat up in his seat from where he was slumped over the Amazing Spider-Man comics Gerard had bought him.

“We’re almost home”, he whispered, barely audible, and Gerard felt a lump form in his throat. He didn’t reply, focusing too hard on the road; tightening his grip on the steering wheel to the point his knuckles were turning white. 

After a while he choked out “Yeah, feels good to be home again, eh Mikes?”, nervously chuckling at his own joke. “I’m just glad the car didn’t die on us.”  
When Mikey didn’t reply Gerard threw a side glance at him. Mikey had drawn his knees up to his chin despite the seat belt, his arms wrapped tightly around himself. He sternly kept his gaze on the road, deliberately ignoring the solitary tear making its way down his cheek. 

“Mikey-“, Gerard began, unsure of what to say. 

“So what now?” Mikey gritted out, his voice seemingly void of any emotion.   
Gerard took a deep breath, turning the car and coming to a skittering halt at the side of the street. The moment he dreaded the most had appeared so fast he hadn’t even been able to prepare for it the least bit.   
“Mikey, I-“, Gerard began, turning off the ignition and unbuckling his seat belt. 

“Why are we stopping?” Mikey asked wearily. 

“Because we need to talk a few things through.” Gerard said, trying to downplay the tremble in his voice. “Mikey, I have to make things right with Frank. I have to. And you have to go back to school. It’s – we’ve been only away for two and a half months, you can still finish your semester!”

“No, I-“, Mikey protested, turning to face Gerard. “Gee, I-“, he began, but Gerard cut him off firmly. 

“Mikes, we already talked about this. I’m not gonna be responsible for fucking up your future. I’m not gonna run away from everything again. I’m set to finish it, you hear me? I’m gonna get Shane and fucking dad and everyone to put an end to this, for once and for all! I can’t do this anymore! So, I need you to-”

“Forget it Gerard!” Mikey hissed. “I know what you’re trying to tell me, I know what you’re fucking wanting me to do and the answer is FUCKING NO! I’m not gonna go back there, I-“

“SO WHAT, THEN?” Gerard screamed and Mikey flinched in his seat, curling in on himself. “What are you going to do, Mikey, huh? Where are you going to live? How are you going to survive, Mr. Know-It-All, _huh_?” he grimaced bitterly, crossing his arms and staring Mikey down, who was avoiding him, biting his lip and hiding away in the depths of his jacket.   
“Yeah, that’s what I thought”, Gerard spat, “You never think things through, Mikes. And for once in your life you will fucking do what I ask you to for the sake of both of us, and we will go back there if it’s just for one night.” A little softer, he added: “Just one night, Mikes. We _have_ to stay somewhere; you know we’ll freeze to death if we stay in the car overnight. But I promise you, the first thing we are gonna do tomorrow is find a police station and talk to the cops. Mikey look at me, I promise!” Gerard pleaded, but Mikey kept his expression void of emotion. Then finally he turned back to face his older brother, his face twisted painfully and his cheeks wet from tears.

“Know what Gerard, fuck you! You’re a fucking coward – or better, you don’t give the least shit about yourself, or about me! All you care about is fucking Frank! Where has he been your whole life? I have been the one that was always there for you Gee, not him! So you wanna sacrifice everything for him and you don’t even know if he would even take you back? You really want to go back into the lion’s cave? Fine, go ahead. Bury your own grave. You know he’s gonna kill you the second you set foot on out front porch. Or wait no, I bet he’ll wait until you get back from ‘sorting things out with Frankie’ and just kill you then. Or maybe he’s gonna call uncle Shane. Do you _want_ to get raped again? Dad’s got nothing to lose anymore! And what happens if he takes you from me, Gerard? What happens to me then? Have you for one second wasted one fucked up thought in your fucked up, self-destructive brain on me?”

The sharp sting of the slap didn’t even hit Mikey by surprise. He knew he had gone too far, and when his head snapped to the side it wasn’t the palm of Gerard’s hand that ripped his heart apart, it was the hurt and sadness etched on his face. It was his devastation that made Mikey want to cry helplessly, to apologize until his tongue started bleeding, to throw himself into Gerard’s arms just to have him hold him and forgive him.   
But he knew he had gone too far. And so he kept silent, and did nothing. 

Gerard didn’t utter a single word when he turned the engine on and swerved back onto the road, adjusting the rearview mirror and biting back the stupid tears that had begun welling up in his eyes. 

Mikey could feel his guts crumble as Gerard drove steadily closer to the very place they had run away from; knowing that this time there was no escape anymore.

 

\---

 

“Stay in the car.” was all Gerard said when he parked across their house and unbuckled his seatbelt. Mikey’s left hand involuntarily darted up to touch his cheek, feeling the remains of Gerard’s slap still stinging his skin. Biting his trembling lips he nodded once, but kept his mouth shut.  
He watched silently as Gerard opened the door and left the car, slowly crossing the street and walking up to their family’s porch, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his hoodie. Mikey felt numb being back there. The street he knew so well rolled out before him, dull and grey in a late March afternoon’s glow – he hated having to look at the house he spent most of his childhood terrified in again; terrified for his brother, his mother, himself. 

And now Gerard was walking right back in, and he couldn’t even stop him. 

 

Gerard set his jaw so tightly it started hurting by the time he walked over the icy pavement, the dull thump of his boots and a few kids shouting in the distance being the only noises to be heard – not even a single car was driving by.   
This felt like death lane to him. 

Despite it being March and barely even seven pm, it was almost dark outside when Gerard reached the front door of the house he despised so much. He hesitated for a moment, his fingers hovering over the doorbell. He didn’t feel ready to face the man who was his father on the papers but had become a nightmare in real life again, but then, taking a deep breath he figured that he probably never would, and reached out to press the button.

He was left in a gut wrecking silence for a couple of minutes actually, about to turn on his heel and leave, when he finally heard the deadbolt and chain being removed and the door was pulled open.

“Who the hell is-“, Donald Way barked, stepping out on the doorstep in a shabby bathrobe, voice hoarse and hair disheveled. He squinted a little before settling his eyes on Gerard, who suddenly felt terrifyingly small and weak again; narrowing his eyes down to slits.   
“ _You._ ”

 

Gerard stumbled a few steps backwards, almost tripping over his own feet. Fuck. He had so not planned this through. He had not kept in mind that the man who had terrorized his whole life would have the power to easily reduce him to a limp, scared little boy with his sheer presence. 

But his father’s lips didn’t curl into a cruel smile like they’d done in countless of Gerard’s nightmares; they just pressed together tightly, even hardening his expression. 

“What do you want?” Donald Way hissed after a while, crossing his arms; towering over Gerard. 

“I-I”, Gerard stammered, helplessly trying to find the words he had laid out in his head before, but it was as if his fear of that man paralyzed him, taking away every ounce of bravado he had managed to build back up. 

“You fucking worthless brat”, his father suddenly spat. “How do you even dare to show up on this doorstep again? Fuck off before I strangle you with my bare hands!”  
Gerard stared at him wide-eyed; every single time his father had hit, slapped, beaten or called him names rushing back to his head at once. Every single time his father had managed to make him feel worthless. He could feel his breathing becoming ragged and his heartbeat speeding up; making him feel nauseous and dizzy.

“Get the fuck away and leave me alone”, Donald Way hissed and was about to shut the door into Gerard’s face when he made a last, desperate step forward. 

“I-fuck, Mikey is-“

One look from his father got him silent again. In fact, Donald Way looked wrecked. He looked a mess of a man. He was reeking of Whiskey and seemed like he hadn’t shaved in a week or wore anything other than that filthy bathrobe. He looked angry and bitter.  
“Just- get lost, Gerard”, his father said, and it sounded tired.

“But-“, Gerard tried to push; but his father cut him off. 

“You took everything from me, Gerard. I should have known so long ago. You came out so wrong, and I didn’t do enough about it-“

“Oh, you did _more than enough_ about it”, Gerard muttered, his throat so tight it became hard for him to breathe at all. “You hit me so often, you called me names, you humiliated me in front of my friends countless times-“

“And yet you didn’t change”, his father said calmly. “You remained a filthy, ugly, good-for-nothing whore. Look at you, Gerard, just look at you. You were never a man. You look like a goddamn girl, but okay, I could have lived with that. But fucking other men? That’s-“, he stopped and spat right on the floor, next to Gerard’s feet. “That’s just plain wrong. It’s disgusting. Do you have any idea how it was to walk in on your own son one afternoon, moaning like a whore on a late night porno while he gets fucked by another man on the bed you bought him? You broke me apart then, Gerard, and you took everything down with you.”

“That’s not-“, Gerard gasped, feeling panic bubble up in his gut. “That’s not fucking true and you know it! You just jumped to conclusions and you never even gave me the chance to explain myself!”  
He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling this time. But when his father saw him crying, shuddering violently from the force of his sobs, he didn’t even look satisfied. He just looked hollow.   
Like all his hate and rage had eaten up everything inside of him, leaving behind a sole shell of the man he once was. 

“I hope you are satisfied, Gerard, I hope you really are. You took everything from me. The one son I had left, my wife, everything.” When he saw the flash of hurt and confusion darting over his son’s face, Donald Way’s lips parted into a bitter smile. “Yeah, you heard right. I want you to know that your mother was taken away because of you, Gerard. To a mental hospital. You took your brother and left , and she had a mental breakdown. I haven’t seen her for two months, and it’s your fault. Everything that went wrong in my life is your fault, Gerard-“, he stopped right there, fixing his bloodshot eyes on Gerard’s, grabbing his wrist and squeezing; hissing “Die knowing you ruined this family!” before shoving him back forcefully, slamming the door shut after him with a deafening crash.

 

Gerard felt numb. He felt his vision starting to blur; as if his senses had begun shutting off. For a moment he was sure he would pass out any second, but then a sharp slap on his cheek brought him back to the present. He blinked a few times, re-surfacing reality, and was more than a little surprised to find a crying, but more than a little pissed off looking Mikey standing in front of him, his face red from the cold and the tears. Mikey hesitated for a minute, before wrapping his arms tightly around his older brother, who still seemed a little catatonic. 

“Don’t let him get to you, Gee. I knew this was gonna happen. Did you really think he would take us in?”

“I-I”, Gerard choked out, his eyes glazing over.

“Don’t you dare!”, Mikey snapped, grabbing Gerard by the shoulders and shaking him. “Frank needs you! Keep your damn focus, Gerard! Don’t you waste another thought on that asshole back there, you have more important things to do!”

“I can’t”, Gerard mumbled absent-mindedly, sounding utterly defeated. “There is nothing left, Mikey. I’m done.”

“No you fucking aren’t”, Mikey grit out and grabbed Gerard’s arm, walking him back to the car, sitting him down on the driver’s seat, fastening the seatbelt over his brother’s waist. “I need you to drive to Frank now, Gerard. You can do this. This is why we came back, remember? Don’t let it all be for nothing!”

Gerard then snapped out of it, looking right through Mikey for a second before slowly turning on the ignition and getting back onto the road with jagged movements.

_I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. What if Frank rejects me? I just can’t, I can’t, I ca-_

“Gerard!” Mikey snapped in a harsh tone, before softening his voice, adding “Breathe. Just breathe. Focus on the road. Everything’s gonna be okay. You can do this. I’ll be right there, waiting. I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”

And much to his surprise, upon Mikey’s soothing words Gerard could really feel himself calm down; the road slipping away so fluidly beneath the wheels of the car he didn’t even acknowledge turning into Frank’s street and stopping the car in front of his house. When he turned off the engine and unbuckled his seat belt, Gerard felt strangely light-headed. Like his motions were mechanical, like it was someone else controlling his body while he was just standing there and watching, wondering what whoever was in charge of him would do next. 

He threw one last look at Mikey, feeling oddly reassured and calm all of a sudden; before getting out of the car. His feet seemed to move on their own; carrying him over the front lawn of Frank’s house, stopping only in front of Frank’s door, where his hands took over, fingers stretching out to tentatively press the doorbell. 

It didn’t take long before there was movement behind the door, but to Gerard it seemed like an eternity. When it was finally pulled open, Gerard could only stare at the person standing in front of him.

He hadn’t changed at all. Gerard wanted to cry. There was he, standing right in front of him, a towel around his neck and a hand in his damp hair, his still wet skin making the tattoos snaking down his arms appear darker and shinier than usual. His eyes the same heavy-lidded, calm expression in them, only now they were looking confused and then widening, almost comically, simultaneously to his jaw dropping. And then he dropped the cup of coffee he was holding.

Gerard only managed to stare while the piece of porcelain shattered to pieces on the floor. 

“Frankie”, he choked out. “I’m back.”

 

And then he collapsed into Frank’s arms, not caring about Frank’s dampness seeping through his hoodie, and this time the tears he cried were ones of relief.

 

He had come _home._


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reunion. I bet a lot of you have been waiting for that and I'm sorry it fuckin' took me so long. :')

I think my fucking heart stopped. Literally, I’m not even exaggerating it. 

But let me start a little earlier. It had been a little over two days since it all went to chaos; since Shane beat the crap out of me, took my phone and left me with all kinds of cryptic threats; since I opened up to my mom and we had Brian over, who later brought his convenient detective friend, James Dewees. 

It was a Thursday morning, meaning I had to drag myself out of bed and to school like every other fucking weekday morning. As if getting up lately hadn’t been hard enough, my entire body was screaming at me not to comply and just stay beneath the covers. I grunted as I peeked up from beneath my snuggly cocoon; my line of vision stained with grey. The cold, monotone march air held nothing promising for me. Every single fucking day was threaded with dreadful routine; it was as if I was back to ground zero.  
Back to where I started from; trying to escape said fucking routine, before I met Gerard and my life became one big rollercoaster ride; back to when it had become so static it depressed me to a degree where I was desperately looking for any kind of distraction. 

At school I found it hard to pay attention in class, but at home I had nothing else to kill my time with, so I studied. I figured I’d be even more depressed if I failed to graduate, so I studied.  
Frankly, I had begun picking up the books more frequently to keep my mind from wandering back to Gerard, which had been working more or less at least until he’d popped up in my life again three days ago. Since then I wasn’t able to focus on anything anymore, it was as if once I opened one of my text books, the words started floating around in my line of vision, blurring and melting together into confusing, warped shapes I kept staring at until my eyes began hurting and I had to throw it aside, shoulders heavy with defeat. 

 

With my friends it was a different issue. I hadn’t seen them outside school in over a month’s time now, and it depressed me. It depressed me not seeing them, which was kind of stupid considering the fact that it was actually my own fault I didn’t get to see them. I simply made no effort; refusing every time they tried and invited me over or went out to clubs or concerts, up to the point they eventually stopped asking. They tried talking to me a lot, especially Alicia and Bert; but I didn’t give them a chance. I was constantly feeling tired and pissed over the same few things, and I didn’t want to annoy them any further.  
I just didn’t want to take my fucking depression out on them. 

 

In the morning I got into a fight with my mom because I refused to leave the safe haven of my bed and go to school. 

“Mom, what if Gerard shows up? You know what Dewees said; he’s gonna come back and I don’t have my phone anymore! He can’t even contact me! And when he comes back and I’m not there he’s gonna fuckin leave again, mom, and I can’t let that happen!”  
I was wringing my hands in frustration because she just wouldn’t understand.

“Frank, I know you are worried about Gerard. No- let me finish! I know this all is occupying most of your mind when it shouldn’t, but you can’t leave your studies completely out of focus. You are going to graduate soon, Frank, and your presence at school really isn’t that satisfying. Your literature teacher called me last week saying she was worried about you because you were missing quite a few of your classes and when you were there, you didn’t pay attention!”  
She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at me, frowning. 

“I couldn’t”, I said in a small voice. “I tried, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t pay attention in class with all that shit hovering above me!” When I saw her anxious face, I rushed to add “but my grades are still okay, mom! I won’t be an honor student, but I’ll still do well!”

She looked at me sadly and I wanted to punch myself. 

“Frank.” I saw tears welling up in her eyes and got the sudden urge to hug her, but I just couldn’t move a muscle; instead letting the moment pass. “Please go to school, honey. I’ll be home the whole morning until five in the afternoon, so if Gerard and Mikey show up I will hold them hostage with cookies and hot chocolate until you come home.” She tried a little smile and I sighed. “I’ll be working the evening and whole night tonight, but by then you’re home anyway. We won’t miss him, Frankie. Just please, please go to school. Do it for me if not for yourself.”

 

I briefly closed my eyes before leaning over to press a gentle kiss on her cheek.  
“Okay mom”, I whispered and got eventually got up to get dressed. I could almost feel her relief. 

I tried my best to take notes at school, and much to my surprise keeping my mind off Gerard wasn’t even as hard as usually. Nevertheless the whole day dragged on much too long, and the second the bell rang I was on my feet and out the classroom, hastily calling the guys goodbye. I was a terrible friend, and I was completely aware of it; but I was determined to make up for all the times I had ignored them and behaved like a jerk. I just didn’t know how I would do that yet, but I would. 

 

When I came home my mom had already left for work. A quick glance to the kitchen clock told me that it was almost six, and I froze for a second. What if Gerard- I was lost in my thoughts when I caught glimpse of the small, crisp white piece of paper pinned to the fridge - a note from my mom.  
I carefully unfolded it, noticing small stains on the outside where she must have probably written it while cooking.

_Frank.  
He didn’t show up the whole day. Sweetie, I know what you’re thinking now, but it’s only the third day – you don’t know how far away he went; maybe it’ll take some time for him to come home.  
There is food for you in the fridge; I know it’s only leftovers from yesterday, but please help yourself honey, you need to eat. I love you.  
Mom_

Chucking the note aside I reached for the fridge handle, stopping mid-movement.  
What if- what if Gerard had somehow showed up during the time span between my mother leaving and me returning home? I pictured him, tired and probably freaking out, hammering against my door without getting any response until he’d finally stop and take a few steps back, still waiting, hoping I’d show up but I wouldn’t, and that would’ve driven him away.  
Again. 

I shook the thought off though a moment later, scolding myself under my breath, reminding myself to keep my fucking shit together, for everyone’s sake.

So I reheated the Italian pasta my mother had left for me, trying to ignore the fact how it tasted like nothing to me even though she’d done it like usual. I was simply overthinking everything again, causing my mind and whole existence to circle solely around Gerard anymore. It was my own fault I couldn’t enjoy simple things like food anymore. And it was so fucking hard to eat when everything tasted the same.

 

Nevertheless I managed to force at least half of my plate down my stomach, putting the remains back in the fridge. I tried to do homework until I almost drifted off due to pure fatigue; figuring I’d either go to sleep or step under a really fucking cold shower.  
For a moment I was tempted to just lie down, but a single glance at the clock kept me from doing it. It was barely nine.  
So I showered really, really fucking cold; so cold my bones started aching uncomfortably by the time I turned off the water and stepped out of the cubicle, dripping wet and shivering.  
I was just humming along to some unknown tune when I heard the faint ringing of the doorbell and my heart sped up. I hastily pulled on some sweatpants and grabbed a towel to sling around my neck to stop the water from dripping off my hair and running down my spine, making me shudder even more, and ran down the stairs, skipping the last few steps by jumping down and landing with a dull thump. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest, leaving me standing on the foot of the stairway paralyzed for a moment. 

_It won’t be him,_ a voice in my head whispered. _You’ll just end up frustrated again. Don’t get your hopes too high._

I cringed at the memory of what happened two days ago when the doorbell had rung without my mom or me expecting anyone and I had run down and almost jumped a fucking _Jehova’s witness;_ all doe eyes and hopeful glints. It was fucking embarrassing.  
Sighing a little I forced myself to calm down, grabbing the cup of coffee I had made earlier to not seem all too eager. My hand froze on the deadbolt for a heartbeat.  
 _But what if it really isn’t him-  
Fuck it._

I didn’t think any further and instead just unlocked the goddamn door and pulled it open to see who was standing on my porch. 

 

Fuck - I swear to god my heart and the stupid cup of coffee dropped at the exact same time. 

 

\---

 

I- I’d fucking gone mute. There he was, standing on my porch, stupid hazel eyes staring into my own like nothing ever happened, except my first impression was that he seemed a little gaunt. His dyed hair had grown out and seemed stringy; his forehead was creased with worry and he looked tired, exhausted.  
But it was him. It was Gerard.  
And I had to admit that even though a million different emotions were running through me at that very moment, I was still so undeniably drawn to him that the mere sensation of wanting someone so bad made my head hurt. 

 

“Frankie”, Gerard choked out, tripping over his own words. “I’m back.” 

The look that lay buried in his eyes and now broke to the surface was so many things at once; hopeful, scared, relieved, affectionate, ashamed- but his hazel orbs were as gleaming as ever, so undeniably Gerard. 

And when he finally collapsed into my arms even though I could read in his expression that he was terrified I’d push him away; it didn’t take me a heartbeat to pull him close and squeeze him, hold him tight with the sincere intention of not letting go for the next few days at least, when I had managed to make sure it wasn’t a fucking dream I was stuck in.  
I could hear him sigh against my throat and felt his shoulders slump in relief while he nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. We sank down to our knees awkwardly in the middle of the doorway; me still bare-chested and wet with the cold breeze tugging at my damp hair, but I honestly couldn’t have cared less about freezing my ass off than in that very moment.  
I was just so glad he was home and I got to have him back in one piece, so I kept holding him tight, tangling my fingers in his hair and massaging his scalp soothingly, relishing in the small content whimper I got in return. 

\--

 

Kissing Gerard felt even better than just holding him. I didn’t care about our teeth clicking together and his nails digging into my bare shoulders, scraping over the surface of my tattoos, tracing them forcefully. It was sloppy, it was desperate, and it wasn’t fucking enough.  
It was Gerard who eventually broke off; moving back a little to look at me, but I didn’t want to let go off him just yet, so I grabbed him and pulled him close again, burying my face in his chest. 

“I hate you”, I muttered against him, my words muffled by the fabric of his hoodie. “I fucking hate you.”

I thought I heard a choked sob but when I pulled away to look at him I saw him smiling, beaming with tears in his eyes. 

“I know.”  
I wanted to kiss right into that stupid fucking smile, when Gerard suddenly sucked in a sharp breath, his expression turning into a mixture of worry and anger as he narrowed his eyes.  
“Frankie, what- what happened to you-?” his voice was small as his hand darted out and his fingertips grazed over the facing bruise and healing cut above my right eye. I tried not to flinch too much but he must have noticed me wincing a little when his fingertips made contact with sore skin. 

“I think you know already, Gee.” I didn’t feel like lying or sugarcoating anything, because for one, Gerard wasn’t dumb, and two, I was tired of making up stories.  
He didn’t say anything, but his face alone told the whole story. Guilt was written all over it.  
I cut him off the moment he was parting his lips to ask the question I knew was burning on his tongue. 

“No Gerard, he didn’t.” I sighed, looking at his stiff expression, aware of how hard he was trying to keep it together. “I know you don’t believe me Gee, I can see it right in your fucking face!” I said it a little harsher than intended and softened down when he lowered his gaze in shame.  
“He beat me, Gee. He beat the shit out of me, but that’s it. He didn’t try anything else.” Which was only partly true, because after all Shane had made weird annotations; but it made Gerard relax visibly, so I left it be. 

He threw his arms around my neck again with a relieved sigh, muttering “I’m so glad Frankie, I’m so fucking glad.”

I gently but firmly peeled him off me then, standing up.

“I know Gee, me too. But I’d rather talk inside you see, as I’m not really in the mood for fucking pneumonia right now.”  
I offered him a goofy smile and a hand to lift him up which he eagerly accepted. 

“Sorry Frankie, I kinda forgot you were running around half naked”; he said, letting out that girlish, raspy giggle of his, wiggling his eyebrows so stupidly I just had to roll my eyes. 

“Yeah whatever, don’t tell me you wouldn’t appreciate the sight!” I teased him. 

“Oh I do, but Mikey wouldn’t so much and he’s still in the car”, Gerard added, a little flustered.

“Okay then, how ‘bout you get your brother and I get a shirt?”, I offered, winking at Gerard before I could stop myself. It was weird how we were just acting as if nothing ever happened between us, like we hadn’t broken up or been apart; how with him I was able to pick up right where we had left off.  
But it felt fucking strange. So much had happened and even if for the moment we were acting like we did before I knew it wouldn’t be long before that changed too.  
Nothing could conceal the fact that Gerard had left me, and if we didn’t sort that out we could never make it work, I was pretty sure of that. 

“Okay”, Gerard replied softly, as if he’d realized it the same moment I did. He was reluctant to let go off me, and as stupid as it was, I was too. It was as if I was scared that the second I’d lose my hold of his jacket he’d disappear into thin air. We held each other’s gaze for a long, strangely intense moment before breaking off at the same time and turning away awkwardly. 

When I came back down the stairs, pulling at the hem of my shirt, the front door was closed and both Gerard and Mikey were sitting neatly on my couch, a beat up duffel bag lying on the floor next to their feet.

I scratched the back of my neck nervously, scraping my fingernails over my damp scalp, feeling rather uneasy all of a sudden.  
The silence between us was growing like a shadow and I got the prompt, consuming urge to break it. “Anyone want anything to drink?”

 

Mikey shook his head politely, keeping his gaze on the floor. He looked even skinnier than I remembered him, his sandy, disheveled mop of hair sticking out beneath the hood of the too large sweater he was trying to hide in. obviously Gerard had made him take off his jacket and therefore had left Mikey with less layers to bury himself in; much to the younger one’s disapproval. 

“Coffee- please”, Gerard said in a strange, cautious voice; as if he was trying to conceal his emotions in front of his little brother.  
I tried to smile at him but my lips wouldn’t obey, so I grimaced instead and said “Coffee it is then, okay”, before retreating into the kitchen. 

When I re-emerged about half a minute later I could barely hear Gerard hissing “No! Mikey, cut it out!” before he noticed me entering the room and rushed to plaster a nervous smile on his face. 

“Coffee’s ready in a few minutes.” I flopped down on mom’s favorite armchair and studied their faces, patiently waiting for someone to speak up and say something.  
But no one did.  
None of us said a single word. The only thing that interrupted the ever-growing silence was the consequent ticking of the wooden clock at the wall. It was frustrating. Mikey was slouching on the couch with his arms crossed in front of his chest and his face lowered, bangs hanging into his eyes. Gerard on the other hand was sitting upright with his hands resting on his thighs, fingers digging into his flesh; chewing at his bottom lip. His gaze kept darting around the room but always ended up back on me.  
Heck, I couldn’t even stop staring at him myself.

 

After a while, Gerard cleared his throat. 

“I-I; Frank, do you have a washcloth?” I was startled by the question, so it took me a few heartbeats to motion to one of the living room cupboards. 

“Bottom left drawer, but why-“, I was cut off by Gerard rising to his feet, rushing over to retrieve the cloth and walking towards the hallway. I turned around searching for Mikey’s face in order to see if he shared my confusion, but he still wouldn’t look at me so I merely sighed and followed Gerard.

 

When I saw him kneeling in between a sea of ceramic shards I mentally slapped myself. 

“God fucking dammit, I totally forgot about that!” I muttered and crouched down beside Gerard, picking up the shards while he soaked up the spilled coffee with the fuzzy old cloth my mom always used for scrubbing the kitchen floor.  
“I’m sorry Frank”, Gerard said in a small voice. His hair was hanging into his face as he spoke, but it was still too short to entirely hide his expression. He was on the verge of crying. 

“I’m sorry that I fucking mess up every time I step into your life.”

When I stopped picking up shards he froze as well, tensing a little. I didn’t know what to reply to that, because yeah, he _was_ messing up my damn life in more ways than one, but at the same time he’d made it richer. Or maybe what I was feeling was just codependency, I don’t know. Fact was, I was growing more and more aware of the fact that I’d rather have him in my life, messing up; than being like I’d been before.  
Alone. Bored. Without purpose. 

Maybe I should have said that to him. Maybe I took too long to respond, because by the time I looked up again I saw the tears silently falling from his eyes as he continued wiping away the spilled coffee. I wanted to say something, but I felt I’d never been too good with words, so I just edged closer, not giving a shit about the smaller shards digging into my sweatpants and grabbed his face with both palms, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were glossy and red from crying, so all I did was tracing my thumbs over the soft curve of his eyebrows as he closed his lids and sighed a little.  
I watched more tears squeezing from between his lashes, before I closed the space between us and crashed our lips together forcefully.  
It felt like kissing Gerard was providing me with an answer I was too stupid to understand, but it overwhelmed me every fucking time.

 

We barely needed words, so it was all touches. A touch to the neck, a kiss on the temple, a simple slide of skin on skin when he put his cold hands beneath the hem of my shirt and up my sides that made me shiver. I knew what Gerard wanted, I could feel him against my thigh since we were both sitting on the floor so awkwardly close, and I wasn’t the least bit embarrassed to accept that I wanted him as much in return. I allowed myself to get carried away in the moment for a little longer, tangling my hands in Gerard’s hair as I pressed my lips on his again, before I, albeit reluctantly, pulled away.  
I hadn’t forgotten about Mikey. 

“Frankie, I-“, Gerard began before his eyes suddenly grew wide, staring right through me. “M-Mikes, you, ah, we-“  
I could see him turning red with shame and slowly turned around myself to see Mikey standing in the doorway, staring down on us with a face so void of emotion it set off a little kick of adrenaline deep within my guts. I mean I knew Mikey didn’t like me that much, but the way he was staring at me now, was- I just couldn’t put my finger on it yet. 

 

“I’m tired.” He finally said. “Can I lie down?”

“Uh, of course”, I said, rushing to my feet. “You can, ah, have my bed, if that’s alright with you. I mean for now. My mom will prepare the guest room for tomorrow night, but she won’t be home until morning, so-“, I had to stop myself from babbling. Mikey had wrapped his arms around his middle again, looking even more fragile and lost than ever before. I couldn’t help but notice the way he turned away from Gerard when he tried to hug him, and the flash of _hurt_ darting over Gerard’s face at the rejection.

Gerard stayed downstairs while I prepared my bed for Mikey, which didn’t surprise me that much. I realized I had so many fucking questions, but I knew I’d have to be patient. I contemplated for a moment whether to ask Mikey why he had rejected his brother’s affection just before; but then I made a different call. After all I had no idea what happened to them while they were out on the road. Interfering in the brother’s relationship would be a pretentious thing to do, and the last thing I wanted to be was a pretentious fuckin’ jerk.  
So I gave Mikey one of my shirts and some shorts and kept my mouth shut. 

 

By the time I came down the stairs again Gerard was rummaging through his duffel while looking like he was concentrating hard on not starting to cry again. 

“Gee”, I began, tentatively stepping closer. “We need to talk.”

I heard him sigh deeply; shoulders slumping down. “I know.” He said, sounding defeated. “But please, can I take a shower first?” he turned at me and blushed a little. “I don’t know when I last showered with hot water.”  
My eyes widened in surprise but I nodded, silently grabbing his hand and leading him upstairs, and into the bathroom.  
He didn’t tell me to go, so I stayed, watching him shedding off first his hoodie, then his shirt and pants until every single layer of clothing hit the floor and he stood in front of me naked, his front facing the wall, shivering slightly.  
When he hugged himself with his arms the sharp outline of his shoulder blades became visible and before I could help it I had stepped forward and lowered my lips onto the soft skin between the nape of his neck and the curve of his spine, mouthing along until I elicited goosebumps. 

He didn’t turn around when he muttered, voice barely above a huff; “I don’t wanna be alone.”

I hesitated for a heartbeat. Listening into myself, I tried to get an answer; some kind of walkthrough to this fucked up situation, but my mind was deafeningly loud and numbingly quiet at the same time. The number of thoughts rushing around and colliding made me dizzy, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut.  
I flinched when I felt Gerard’s hand touching my shoulder, keeping my eyes tightly shut as his mouth ghosted over my neck.

“Shh, Frankie, it’s okay.” He never stopped touching my skin with his lips while he undressed me, and weirdly enough, it was loosening the knots in my brain and I became able to think again. When I re opened my eyes, what I saw wasn’t someone that had been made a victim. It wasn’t someone who had lied to me, and left me. It wasn’t someone who had been stripped of all his trust. It was just a boy. It was just Gerard. And it was just me. 

 

And when we stepped into the cubicle, it was just us.


	29. Chapter 29

It was open mouthed kisses under a little too hot water. It was tentative touches with badly concealed neediness underneath. It was a forced, choking silence snaking through the steamy air. Gerard immediately had all but pressed Frank into the tiles of the shower cubicle, barely leaving him any space to breathe, choking, smothering him with affection he had bottled up too long.   
Frank was confused and frankly, alerted. They had not seen each other for quite a while and even if they hadn’t been together years before the split – Frank knew about Gerard’s tendency to being unstable and moody. A sudden, almost bipolar switch would be no surprise, so he was cautious with his words, cautious with his touches, until Gerard suddenly snapped; his voice muffled from the steady stream of water. 

“What’s the matter Frank?” he sounded tense and nervous, so Frank leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his temple. Gerard jerked back. “What’s the matter?”

Frank looked at him; irritated. He didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t sure how to even start.   
_How about I’ve been fucking hoping for the moment I’d see you again and make sure you are alive and well for months and now it’s here and you’re here and we’re fucking showering together and I can’t even process it in my goddamn brain so cut me some slack, Gerard, please!_   
He knew he kept silent for too long when he saw the slight shift in Gerard’s expression. 

“No, Gerard, no-“ Despite the narrowness of the cubicle, Frank took a step towards Gerard, who had started trembling slightly. 

“Are you cold? Is the water too cold, I can turn the heat-“

“No!” Gerard backed away a little, letting out a nervous chuckle. “N-no I’m fine, I just-“

“What?” Frank asked softly, wanting to comfort his boyfriend (god, that still felt alien to him); make him feel safe and loved, but not knowing how to do so without accidentally distressing him. 

“Y-you don’t need to tip toe around me, Frankie”, Gerard said, supporting himself with his left hand pressed against the slick wall, as if his own weight had become too much for him.   
“I’m fine.” He stopped and grimaced as if he were in pain, wondering who he was even trying to fool when he didn’t even believe the damn lie himself.   
“Okay”, he admitted in defeat; “I’m not fine. But I can make this work, Frank, I can make this work!” He almost tripped over his own words, grabbing Frank’s shoulders and pulling him closer. “I can make it work. I-“, he swallowed; taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself. “I’m just so fucking tired and confused, and- but it will go away, I promise. Just- don’t leave me alone, okay, I need some time! Frank, don’t leave me alone!” Gerard hated how clingy he sounded, how pathetic and weak. He was letting his guard down, and he was fully aware of it. When he looked up Frank’s furrowed brows relaxed, and his expression turned sad. Gerard didn’t understand.  
Why did Frank look sad? He could deal with Frank looking angry, or downright pissed, but this? The weariness in his eyes was killing him already.

“I’m not going anywhere”, Frank muttered, pulling Gerard into a close embrace; listening to the water rushing down on their heads and shoulders before almost whispering; “I’m not the one who left.”; hoping the water would swallow his words, but it didn’t. Gerard had heard what Frank said and stiffened in his embrace, beginning to shake slightly. In a quick attempt to save the mood Frank grabbed a bottle of his mother’s shampoo and popped it open. 

“Gee, relax. Just try to come down a little; you had a long journey. D’you want me to wash your hair? I mean I only have my mom’s shampoo since mine ran out earlier and you’ll smell like raspberries in the end, but- I always found raspberries sexy.” Frank stated matter-of factly, a playful glint in his eye. Thankfully Gerard swallowed the bait and relaxed enough to allow himself to smile. He even let out a small giggle as Frank turned him around.

“Okay”, he said quietly; closing his eyes and dipping his head back on his shoulders to grant Frank easier access to his hair. He immediately let out a content sigh when Frank’s gentle fingers made contact with his scalp, massaging the berry scented shampoo into his sore skin. 

“Feels good?” Frank murmured over the rush of water and Gerard nodded groggily. Suddenly, the whole journey back to Jersey caught up with him; hitting him with all its force and he felt the weariness creep into his limbs, causing his knees to almost give in under his weight. 

Unable to stop his own movement Gerard allowed his tired body to slide down the tiles until he was piled up in a sitting position on the floor of the cubicle. He could hear Frank smoothly sink down to his knees behind him, immediately continuing to work the shampoo into his hair. When he stopped and lifted his hands from Gerard’s scalp, Gerard let out a needy whine, causing Frank to chuckle. 

“I need to rinse that off, ya know? You don’t want that obnoxious berry scent permanently imprinted on your skin, trust me!”  
Gerard wanted to open his mouth and say that he didn’t care, that he couldn’t care less, that he just wanted to stay like that for a little longer; with that feeling of having someone taking care of him, but the attack came so sudden he wasn’t even half prepared. 

The sobs were ripping through him so forcefully Frank jerked away as if he had just burned himself on Gerard’s skin. 

“What’s the matter?” he asked carefully; wincing as Gerard’s sobs became more frantic and uncontrolled, leaving him howling as if he were in serious pain.   
“Gerard”, Frank urged, starting to feel panic crawl up his guts himself. “What’s happening? Are you hurting? You’re scaring me-“

“I’m sorry!” Gerard suddenly screamed, scraping his blunt nails over the skin on his forearms until it was red and sore. Frank dropped the shampoo bottle and lunged forward, grabbing Gerard’s arms and pinning them to his sides so he couldn’t hurt himself any further. He tried to keep his voice calm, but all that came out was a shrill, panicked yelp. 

“Gerard calm down, I’m here, you’re here; no one’s hurting you, please-! You’re scaring me, what’s happening? Please, calm down-“  
But it only got worse.  
As soon as he felt hands grabbing him Gerard thrashed out, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and screaming, screaming so brokenly it startled Frank for a second.   
It seemed like Gerard had, in this moment, completely lost his mind. His eyes were glazed over and he didn’t even seem to recognize where he was, let alone who he was with.   
And then the screaming. He just didn’t stop; it was like he was trying to scream until his lungs gave out, or until even the last ounce of strength would have left his body.   
Frank felt nauseous and empty. If Gerard would just stop screaming. The attack had come out of fucking nowhere; like from one second to the other the calm atmosphere was shattered into a thousand pieces. 

“Gerard! Look at me! I’m here, please, calm down!”

But Gerard didn’t stop. So Frank did the first thing that came to his mind and even though his hands were shaking pretty badly from the shock, clasped a hand over Gerard’s mouth to shut him up; trying to steady his own knees on the slick tiles of the cubicle and avoid slipping away, but it was hard with Gerard kicking and thrashing like a rabid animal in his daze. Once he realized he was being held; that he was being restrained and someone was trying to smother him, something inside Gerard’s mind just broke. Within seconds a whole wave of horrible flashbacks flooded his brain, pushing against his eyeballs from the inside of his skull, worming through his head and leaving him gasping against the hand on his mouth with a moan of agony.   
But Gerard was determined to never be overpowered again. Never. Or at least try. He had to. Had to try. For Mikey’s sake. For Frank’s sake. Never let himself get used again.   
_Never again._

To slam the back of his skull into his attacker’s face was such a simple movement it had Gerard seriously wondering why he hadn’t done it earlier. With his uncle. One simple movement like that and he would have been free. Free, and not thrown against the counter. Free, and not jumped on his own bed. Free.  
Gerard tried to shake the flashbacks off, blindly crawling away on the tiled floor as far as the narrow cubicle would allow, blinking through the hot water running down his face and trying to focus on the pained moan the man who had been holding him was giving.   
For a second, he was startled. It was so easy to fight that person off. Almost too easy. And then, under the unforgiving stream of water, Gerard finally slipped out of his episode. It hit him like a truck. Why it had been so easy to headbutt the person who had been holding him – because that person wasn’t Shane or his dad or any random man – that person was Frank. And he hadn’t been trying to do him harm, he’d been trying to calm him down. To get him to stop screaming.   
Gerard’s eyes widened in terror. 

“Oh god, fuck”, he choked out, initially not even daring to turn around. Behind him he heard Frank take in a sharp breath through his nose and hissing right after.   
“I’m sorry Frankie, Jesus, so fucking sorry-“, Gerard whirled around, his knees sliding on the wet floor; watching with dread the beads of blood dropping from Frank’s nose even though he’d pinched his fingers tightly over it, drop by drop onto the floor where they mixed with water and ran down the drain.   
Gerard couldn’t even begin to say how sorry he was. When he opened his mouth to explain it, he was bluntly cut off by Frank rising to his feet and stepping out of the cubicle; grabbing a paper tissue and pressing it firmly against his bleeding nostrils.   
Gerard felt as if the last bit of strength had just left him and sank back to the floor, pressing himself against it as if he was trying to dissolve through the tiles.   
“F-Frank I’m so sorry I hit you. I-I really didn’t mean to, i-“, he stammered, his voice laced with a quiver. “I didn’t mean to. I swear!”

He heard Frank sigh and grab a towel from the bottom drawer – then saw him cursing as he had to bend down in order to fetch it and his nose began bleeding even more profusely. 

“Just- just try to calm down a little, Gerard, okay? I’ll wait for you, right? I’m not going anywhere. Just – try to calm a little. I’m going to, dunno, get some ice for my nose.” Frank said with a muffled voice, cursing under his breath. He tried to make it sound reassuring, but it sounded shallow.   
Gerard didn’t want to cry even more, but the consuming guilt he felt as Frank left him behind in the small room mashed him to pieces. He bit down on his hand to cease screaming and curled up in the corner of the cubicle.   
Between his own choked sobs Gerard suddenly heard the faint closing of the bathroom door, and despite himself immediately looked up.   
“F-Frank”, he hiccupped disbelievingly, furiously trying to blink through his veil of tears. 

“Not quite”, came the dry reply. 

“Shit.” Gerard pulled himself up. “Mikey?”

“Who else?” Mikey said, sounding mildly annoyed. He was merely standing there, a towel in his extended hand and an indifferent expression carved on his shadowed face. Gerard swallowed and muttered a quiet thanks, stepping out of the shower and wrapping himself up in the towel while Mikey stepped forward and turned the water off.   
The towel was fuzzy and soft and Gerard just wanted to hide away in it. He wanted to step over and hug his little brother; dissolve all the weird tension between them and just keep him close, but moments passed and he didn’t manage to move an inch. 

After he had made sure everything was turned off, Mikey flopped down onto Frank’s bathroom floor, silently motioning for his brother to join him. Gerard sighed but sat down nonetheless.   
“Look, they even have heating in their floors”, Mikey remarked, pressing his palm onto the tiles. Gerard fixed his gaze onto his brother’s face, fighting with keeping the tears at bay. 

“So”, Mikey shifted into a cross-legged position. “What happened?” he asked softly, mentally preparing for whatever answer he would get.

 

\---

 

I had to get out of there. I know I probably should have stayed, and I still feel guilty about it, but in my defense – the whole situation just got too much for me. It happened so fast. One second I was rinsing Gerard’s hair and he seemed calm and relaxed and then –snap- and he freaked. It seemed like someone had pushed a button or flicked a switch inside his brain and he went from calm to completely hysteric in a matter of seconds; and that fucking scared me. 

It freaked me the fuck out. I’ve never witnessed someone having a panic attack that severe before. I mean Carrie had anxiety so I’ve seen her having attacks before, but they were nothing like this. Reliving the moment in my mind I wanted to slap myself. I still don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I grabbed Gerard even though I knew, I fucking _knew_ how damaged he was; but I panicked myself. I just- I just wanted him to calm down and stop screaming before some nosy neighbor would get an idea and call the police, so I acted on impulse. Clasping my hand over his mouth to shut him up was the first thing that came to my mind and hell, I would’ve never thought he was so far lost in his attack that he’d mistake me for – I don’t know. Shane, probably – I don’t even want to think about it.   
Just thinking I got Gerard as far as to believing I was an assaulter makes me sick.   
But it must’ve been like that, or he wouldn’t have headbutted me. 

When he smashed the back of his skull into my face I knew I’d reached my breaking point. The whole situation was two seconds away from escalating even further; so I did the only thing I could think of and left.   
I couldn’t even look him in the eye as I did, that’s how much of an asshole I am. My first intention was to get my fucking nose to stop bleeding, but the damn thing just wouldn’t comply, and since the bathroom was occupied, I fist bled into the kitchen sink and then after a couple of failed attempts at stopping the flow I just let it run free, wondering how on earth we ended up like this. 

About five minutes of pathetic bleeding and seven tons of tissues later my godforsaken nose finally ran dry. The sink looked like I’d just slaughtered a pig in it and then sacrificed it to Satan. Disgusted, I turned on the faucet and started rinsing it off just as I heard a loud thump from upstairs. 

I skipped drying my hands and just rushed upstairs; my only thought making sure Gerard was okay and not lying on the bathroom floor with his neck broken. The hallway was dark but the door to my room was opened just the slightest bit, so I slowed down my path before reaching the bathroom.  
I don’t know why my pulse sped up the closer I got to the door. There was muffled sobbing – Gerard, obviously – and a calm, quiet voice talking to him. Mikey. I knew it from the moment I’d seen my open door.

“You just have to tell him, Gerard, he’ll understand.”

“No, he won’t”, I heard Gerard reply, his voice thick with venom. I didn’t want to be eavesdropping, but I also didn’t want to disturb the brothers, so I lingered outside the room a little longer. 

“He loves you, he will.” Mikey said, his voice as calm as ever. 

“Who says he does? I’m just a freak, why would he-“, Gerard taunted, scraping – yeah it sounded like he was scraping his nails over the porcelain tiles. 

I felt my hands curl into fists. 

“Stop. Stop drowning in self-pity.” Mikey said, sounding distraught. “It’s all you ever do anymore. It won’t get better that way, okay? It won’t help you, okay? It’ll just make you fuck up and if you fuck up this time, Gerard, we have nowhere to run anymore.”

“FUCKING SUE ME!” Gerard screamed. “DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR ME? NO! I- I CAN’T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE, I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO HANDLE IT!”

“I’m not telling you this because I want to sound smart or shit like that”, Mikey said, raising his voice. “I’m just done with watching my brother ruining his own fucking life over and over again!”

The slap cut through the air like a knife, and I winced. For a second I wasn’t sure who had struck whom, but upon second thought – Mikey would never lay hand on his brother. Gerard on the other hand was a ticking time bomb. He had been hurt and betrayed so many times he didn’t even know who the enemy was anymore. 

“Fuck you Gerard”, Mikey spat, obviously getting up. 

“No fuck you, Mikey!” Gerard yelled. “You think you are so much wiser, don’t you? I can see it in your fucking eyes! Don’t – don’t fucking turn away from me, Mikey Way, look at me! You think you’re better than your stupid, worthless, weak brother who couldn’t even stop his own uncle from raping him! That’s what you’re thinking, now go ahead and say it! SAY IT!”

I burst through the door the exact moment to see Mikey with tears in his eyes, looking as if his own brother’s words had just hurt more than any slap could ever do. Gerard was still sitting on the floor, awkwardly wrapped up in one of my towels, hugging his chest with his arms and rocking slowly back and forth. He was shivering and his eyes were wide, and he _fully understood what he just did to his kid brother._

I tried to pull Mikey into an embrace but he simply ducked out of the way; walking out of the room like a robot.

“I’m sorry”, Gerard whispered, although I’m not sure who exactly he was seeking forgiveness from. 

I didn’t want to lecture him, and he looked like he was punishing himself enough already, so I simply extended my hand. He hesitated a second before grabbing it, allowing me to pull him to his feet. I handed him the bundle of clothes I had snatched from my room just before and he took it, slipping into the sweatpants and t-shirt without saying a word. After he was dressed he looked up at me shyly, not sure what to do with himself, and for a second I felt like I was back with him in my room, when I’d brought him home the first time. 

“You look tired.” I said. Brilliant wording, I know. I just felt like I didn’t know how to approach him anymore. “Do you wanna lay down?”

Gerard nodded slowly. “Yes please. I-I feel like I can barely stand straight.” 

“Alright, just gimme a sec, I need to get some blankets and stuff- you can, uh, go and make yourself at home on the couch downstairs meanwhile.”

Gerard went for a tired smile and then turned and walked away; shoulders hunched. Suddenly I realized how much I would give to see him walk tall again. To see him smile that cocky smile of his.   
To hear him deal out snarky remarks all the time.   
I shook the thought off and grabbed the blankets from my mom’s drawer, heading downstairs again. 

Gerard had already curled up to a ball on the couch, but despite the darkness I could see his eyes were open. Since I didn’t find any pillows I just piled the smaller blanket up and shoved it underneath Gerard’s head. 

“Scoot over”, I murmured, my voice raw even though I don’t know why. When Gerard barely moved, I wanted to huff out a laugh. “What, do you wanna be the big spoon?” Gerard merely looked up at me with his huge, stupidly pretty eyes and finally scooted back. I lay down and turned to my side, draping the thick blanket over us before reaching for his hands in the darkness. They were cold and a little sweaty, but I took them into mine anyways, noticing I was just too glad to have him back to care. After a few heartbeats Gerard nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck; never once letting go of my hands. He seemed desperate for contact, since he pressed as close as possible until his uneven breathing finally relaxed.

“That was the second time I hit him today.” Gerard muttered. He sounded so fucking broken; it made me want to cry. 

After a while, I spoke up.   
“You know- you shouldn’t take your emotions out on him, but – Mikey is your brother, and he knows you better than anyone else. He will understand. He will forgive you. You both just – we all just need time to figure out how to deal with this situation. But we’ll do it, just have faith.” 

“Frank?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I-I love you. Please, I know how cheesy it sounds, but – please don’t ever leave me.”

“I’ll try” It was meant a joke, but as Gerard stiffened in our embrace I rushed to add “I love you too, dumbass. More than I think I know and more than you believe you do.”

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Gerard sighed and buried his head in my chest. “Frank, I don’t know what to think, how to feel, how to act anymore. Around anybody. I have so many thoughts that are eating me up at night and Mikey can’t know, and-“

“He’s not stupid, he probably caught up on more things than you’d like.”

“I know”, Gerard whispered. “I- shit, Frank, are you crying?” Gerard made a move to sit up, but I held him back. For once I was really glad I let my hair grow out because now I could hide my stupid tears behind it.   
“I’m sorry, Frankie. For all the pain I caused you; I really am.” Gerard leaned forward and pressed a shy kiss on my forehead. I feared for my voice to crack, so I kept my mouth shut. In that moment I just wanted to keep him close and forget about everything else. Forget about the rape, and the tears, and the fear and the void, empty feeling in my stomach. Forget about the rage, and the cold blood. Forget about Shane. Forget about Donald Way. Forget about everything that wasn’t the warmth of this fucking moment right there.

 

And I almost succeeded.


	30. Chapter 30

First of all, sorry to all you lovely souls out there who thougt I was gonna post a new chapter - I just want to say I WILL UPDATE MY STORIES!(and sooner than y'all probably thought, hehe.)

The reason why I've been so inactive around the last few months was first my two month trip to the United States and second, a new relationship and lots and lots of university troubles. Also, my mental health was not always at it's peak, so to say. So I felt like if I had updated any of my stories, it would've been without soul, and not at the level I normally maintain.

But enough of this hiatus, I have regained fresh wind, and I will post new chapters to both my main stories before Halloween!   
Thanks again to all of you who sticked with me, and sent me all those lovely comments - you are the reason I'm still going!

So see you at the next chapter!


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